Not Coming Back From This

Fear Itself

This is weird, Idk why, but I kinda like that I got some strong reactions outta you. lol xD anyway, this is for you guys! enjoy! ;)

 

I laughed harshly, "Sooyoung there is barely an us to begin with! Hell we only went out on one date."

Sooyoung looked as though I'd punched her in the gut. I finished my glass of wine and emptied the remainder of the bottle down my throat before grabbing a beer out of my fridge, yeah I was on a mission to get wasted. Sooyoung shook her head and stepped closer to me, "Barely an us huh? Ok then Tiffany, can you honestly tell me that you don't love me? Can you tell me that there isn't something real between us? Say the words and I'm gone."

I ran her words over in my alcohol addled mind and opened my mouth to reply…

Sooyoung's POV

"I…I can't tell you that. I can't say I don't love you. I would never lie to you Sooyoung. I do love you, so much, but I have learnt after everything that has happened that love just isn't enough, no matter how much we wish it could be. I learnt that the hard way with Jessica and Eunjung. Right now I can't be what you want or need," Tiffany stammered. Her words were slightly slurred, the alcohol she had been practically inhaling starting to have effect.

I held back a groan of frustration. Couldn't this woman see how ing amazing she was? Couldn't she see how much I loved her? I know she had been through a lot but that just made her even more incredible to me. I locked my eyes on her slightly unfocused hazel ones and said with some frustration, "Don't you think I should get to decide who I want and need? Tiffany, Baby it's you. All that I want and need I can find here in you. Look you have had a horrible week so let's not talk about all this now, just know that I am never giving up on you Tiffany Hwang, no matter how hard you try to push me away. I'm not going anywhere."

Tiffany sighed and shook her head before staggering around the counter to fling herself on the sofa, rather gracefully for someone so drunk. I grabbed a glass of water and took it over to her. I perched on her coffee table and looked down at her. Even in a drunken haze Tiffany was the most beautiful woman I had ever met, I just wish she realized how incredible she was.

"Sooyoung you should just go," She slurred as she slumped back on the sofa cushions.

"Sorry Hazel that is never gonna happen, I'm not going anywhere. You need me Tiffany, even if you won't admit it," I said tenderly.

Tiffany suddenly leaned up and rested her hand on my knee. She fixed me with the most heart-breaking look and murmured, "Sooyoung why did Siwon and Eunjung want to hurt me like that? It must have been something in me or something I did if both of them wanted to do that to me right? I must be such a horrible person if they wanted to do that to me, if I deserved what they did."

I felt tears instantly fill my eyes, "Oh Baby no, it was nothing you did and nothing about you that made them behave so terribly. You did not deserve what they did to you, no one ever deserves that. Hazel, Eunjung and Siwon are two awful, weak people who feel better about themselves when they make other people feel small and powerless. Please don't think that you are responsible in any way for what they did to you because you're not."

Tiffany sat up a little and looked deep into my eyes, "You would never do that to me would you Soo? You would never hurt me."

I took her hand in mine and gave it a gentle squeeze, "You know I wouldn't Hazel. I would give everything I have to take away your pain and would never ever hurt you." It broke my heart a bit that she even had to ask me that. I hated everyone that had made this wonderful woman so afraid and so distrustful. Tiffany deserved so much more than what the world had thrown at her.

I felt Tiffany's hand go limp in mine and glanced over to find her asleep or passed out, it was a toss up really. I stood up and pulled the throw rug off the back of the sofa to cover her. I smoothed the blanked over her body and gently brushed some hair off her face. In sleep she looked peaceful, I hoped she had some beautiful dreams to give her some respite from the harshness of reality.

I picked up the glasses and dishes, loaded the dishwasher and cleaned the kitchen. I wandered down the hall to her music room. This room was my favorite in her apartment. It was so Tiffany. Just being in there made me feel close to her. She had told me once that it was her sanctuary.

I ran my hands carefully over the instruments as I walked around the room. I stopped at her violin and carefully picked it up. This instrument was so very like the woman who had mastered it. Like Tiffany, the violin was beautiful, captivating and could be haunting. It was strong but had a gentleness to it. The violin, like Tiffany, could take you to soaring heights. It was an elegant instrument with class and grace. Tiffany's choice of violin was rather perfect.

I laid the violin back in its place carefully, that thing was worth more than all my instruments combines, and walked over to her sheet music. She had such a wonderfully contradictory collection of music ranging from Mozart and Bach to Jimmy Eat World, Ella Fitzgerald and Metallica. Tiffany's music taste was certainly eclectic.

I went over to her piano to see what she had been playing most recently, there was only a blank sheet. I sat down on the piano stool and looked at the music posters on the wall as I thought about the woman sleeping in the next room. She had truly been through more in her life than I could even begin to imagine. I had always thought that I had been through a lot of , but I had nothing on Tiffany. She wasn't wrong when she said she had baggage, but that didn't matter to me. Everything about her just made me love her even more.

I wasn't lying when I told her I would never give up on her, the thought of walking away from the redhead was inconceivable to me. It had taken me this long to find the love of my life, my soul mate and I wasn't giving her up without a hell of a fight. There was no way I could live with myself if I walked away without doing everything in my power to be there for her, to make this thing between us work.

After sitting at the piano in deep thought for a while I headed back into her living room to check on Tiffany. She was curled up on the sofa in a deep sleep. I was glad to see her resting, the day, not to mention the week, had certainly taken one hell of a toll on her.

I kicked off my shoes and lay down on the other sofa, pulling a throw rug down over me. I lay there watching my beautiful redhead until I fell into a dreamless sleep.

I was awoken the next morning by the sound of retching. I got to my feet and followed the sound to the bathroom, where I found Tiffany hunched over the toilet reaping the benefits of her alcohol binge the night before. I stepped up behind her and pulled her silky red hair back from her face. She stiffened at my touch but allowed it.

I grabbed a band off her sink and put her hair into a messy ponytail as she began retching again. By this stage she was really just dry heaving, having already brought up everything that had been in her stomach. I put my hand on her back and tried to ignore the way she tensed up under my fingers, "Are you alright Tiff?"

She grunted something unintelligible and continued to retch. After a few minutes she struggled to her feet, ignoring my offered hand. She flushed the toilet and rinsed out before turning to face me. "What are you still doing here Sooyoung?"

"I told you last night that I wasn't leaving and I meant it Hazel, I just want to be here for you," I answered looking into her eyes, which she refused to fix on me.

"Well I have to go to work," She said somewhat coldly. It was a tone I really hadn't heard from her before and it immediately scared me.

"Um ok, well I could drive you to work and then pick you up to take you to band rehearsal later on if you like?" I asked tentatively.

Tiffany shook her head and brushed past me as she walked out into the hall way, "Um no I'll drive myself and just see you at band practice later. I'd better go get ready so I'm not late for work." Tiffany walked down the hall and was about to enter her room.

"Tiffany, I promised you that I wouldn't give up on you and I won't. I'll wait for as long as you need. I won't walk away from you," I called.

Tiffany kept her back to me and sighed sadly, "Well I think you might be waiting in vain then Sooyoung." She walked through her bedroom door and shut it softly behind her.

I wandered into the living room and sat heavily down on the sofa. I had no ing clue what to do next. All I knew was that I was losing her before I'd even really had the chance to have her.

Tiffany's POV

I had a quick shower and began getting dressed. I felt awful about how I was treating Sooyoung, but I honestly felt that I was being fair to her by pushing her away, she deserved so much more than me and what little I was capable of giving her.

I was a shadow of who I used to be, Siwon had seen to that. Sooyoung deserved all of me, which I just couldn't give her right now. I dressed in my standard work type clothes, tailored pants and a nice top. On this day the pants were black and the top was a fitted midnight blue sleeveless polo top. I slid on a pair of black peep-toe flats and ran a brush through my hair before I clipped it half back in a barrette.

I put on light make-up, mostly to cover the deep, dark circles underneath my eyes, and then picked up my jacket. After one last look in the mirror I wandered out of my room, really hoping that Sooyoung would be gone but knowing that she wouldn't be.

I saw her sitting on my sofa with her head in her hands and had to harden my heart to stop myself rushing to her. I couldn't be selfish, I had to think of what was best for her and that was definitely not being with me.

I went into the kitchen and made some coffee before pouring it into my travel mug and also a cup for Sooyoung, I was always brought up to have manners. I placed the cup in front of her on the coffee table. "Thanks Tiff," She murmured looking down at the cup.

I nodded stiffly and walked over to my bag. I threw in my phone and scooped up my car keys. "Um I have to go, just shut the door after you, it locks automatically. I guess I'll see you at practice later." I went to walk out the door only to be halted by a distressed cry.

"Is that seriously how you're going to leave things between us, Tiffany?" Sooyoung asked in a broken voice.

I swallowed around the lump in my throat, "I don't know what you expect me to say Sooyoung. I think I said everything I needed to say last night and this morning. I care about you but we can't do this. We can't be together. Not now."

"Are you ing kidding me? Why the hell not? I know you have been through hell, not just this week but for years, but Baby that is no reason to walk away from what could be a really good thing. I don't want to push you or rush you and we can take this as slowly as you need to," Sooyoung cried out.

"It's no good Sooyoung, I can't do this. You deserve so much more than me." I muttered trying to hold back tears.

Sooyoung angrily cut me off, "Stop telling me what I deserve! I'm the one who gets to decide that, not you! Tiffany I love you, I am in love with you. You are the one I love, the one I want and the one I need. Please don't give up on us."

"Sooyoung I am completely broken, this with Siwon was the last ing straw and now I don't think I am coming back from this. I merely existed for so ing long after Eunjung and then I had a few days of living, of actually feeling alive, with you only to have it all torn away by Siwon and now existing is about all I can deal with. Sooyoung I am not capable of being with you, or anyone. I have nothing left to give," I began to cry, hot tears cascading down my cheeks.

As soon as my tears fell Sooyoung's followed suit, "Tiffany you can get past this, I can help you if you'll let me. Please don't walk away from us," Sooyoung begged.

I walked up to her and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead as tears ran down both our faces, "I have to Sooyoung. I'm sorry." With that I my heel and ran from the room. I clattered down the stairs and threw myself in my car. I rested my head on my steering wheel and sobbed.

I sat there for about fifteen minutes before I was able to collect myself enough to drive to work. This was going to be a long day.

Sooyoung's POV

As soon as her lips hit my forehead I knew it was goodbye. I felt it in her touch. I barely heard her muttered words before she bolted from her apartment crying so hard I half expected to hear her tumble down the stairs. I felt numb, like my body was shutting down to protect me from the unbearable pain that was waiting for me.

I sank down onto her sofa and sat so still I must have looked like a statue. Part of me wanted to be angry at Tiffany, but I couldn't. She was what other people had made her. Tiffany's insecurities ran deeper than I had ever thought. She was a product of what other people had done to her.

I forced myself to my feet after about ten minutes of just sitting staring into space as the numbness seeped into my bones and through my veins. I welcomed it, because I knew the waiting pain was going to probably render me incapacitated.

I walked to her bench and scribbled her a quick note. Leaving it where I knew she would find it I picked up my bag and looked around her living room, a place where I had felt so many emotions from joy to sadness to heartbreak.

I dragged myself slowly out of her apartment and trudged down the stairs. I arrived at the bottom just in time to see Tiffany speed off, it looked as though she was crying. I hated that she was hurting, I loved her and what had just happened between us wasn't going to change that, I really doubt that anything could.

I knew that what Tiffany had just done was her way of protecting me from her and her issues. She thought so little of herself that she thought I deserved more than a life with her. On that we disagree. what I deserved, all I wanted and needed was Tiffany.

I slid into my car and took a few deep breaths before I turned the key in the ignition and began driving home. As I opened my front door the numbness began to slip away and the pain began to seep in. I let out a strangled cry as I staggered my way over to my black leather sofa, which was not nearly as comfortable as Tiffany's plush brown ones.

I lay down and that's when the tears fell hard and fast. I balled my hands up into fists and buried my face in my throw pillows to muffle the screaming sobs that tore violently through my body. My entire body was convulsing as I cried. I wrapped my arms around my body in an effort to hold myself together, it so didn't work.

I lay there until the stress of the last twenty-four hours caught up with me and I drifted off to sleep. I only hoped that maybe the world would look a bit better when I woke up.

I must have slept for a damn long time because when I woke up it was getting close to time to head to band rehearsal. I was seriously considering not going, I didn't think I was ready to face Tiffany and I knew I wasn't ready to have the rest of the band know that Tiffany and I was over before it had even begun.

But I knew I couldn't let the band down, I owed them more than that. Plus music was one of the few things that would be able to soothe me and ease my pain, even if it was just for a moment. That was something Tiffany and I had in common so I knew she would be at rehearsal.

I got into the shower and tried to keep the tears at bay, it didn't work. I let my tears mingle with the water running down my body, telling myself that once I got out the tears would have to stop until after practice when I was alone again.

I climbed out of the shower and wrapped a huge towel around myself. I grabbed any random clothes to throw on, I so didn't give a how I looked which had to be a first for me.

Once I was dried and dressed in a short jean shirt, a black t-shirt and an old pair of red Converses that I hadn't worn in years, I headed out to my living room. I grabbed my bag, slipped a pair of sunglasses on and scooped up my guitar case. I surveyed the room to see if I'd forgotten anything, satisfied I let myself out and headed down to my car.

I chucked my guitar in the tiny backseat of the Porsche and climbed in. It was then that it hit me, a realization that I couldn't believe took me hours to come to. I wasn't giving up on Tiffany. Just because she said we couldn't be together didn't mean I had to agree. I loved her and that meant something, something huge. I knew she loved me back and was just scared, confused and hurting. I wasn't going to walk away.

I would give her some space, but she had me whether she like it or not. I loved her too much to let her destroy us with her insecurities. I would be there for her, even just as friend if that's all she could give me right now. But I wasn't going anywhere.

Call me crazy, call me a glutton for punishment and maybe I am, but I just couldn't give up on her. If I gave up on her I would be giving up on a part of me and I wasn't ready to do that.

This isn't over Tiffany, I'm never going to stop trying.

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Thanks for all your comments, I love reading your thoughts, even when you're mad at me. so yeah, keep doing it? ;p

well then, I'll see ya in the next chapter? ;D

love yaa!

 

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maikimause123 #1
Chapter 26: This story is absolutely amazing. Please continue
far_awaySONE
#2
Chapter 26: author-nim...~
where are you???
its been years.well since the last update sam...are you alright?
jaekwons
#3
Chapter 26: i hope you don't abandon this fic as it's developed quite nicely :-)
Va_asianloverz
#4
Chapter 12: Please update soon
Bluesky235
#5
Chapter 26: author when you will update this story again??
i will waiting author ^^
jungbanhap
#6
Chapter 26: I miss this fic T.T
I missed you too~
poly_pala #7
Chapter 26: Continue!!!!
Sammy1020
#8
WHERE ARE YOU, AUTHOR????????? TT.TT
SooFany10113979
#9
Chapter 26: Continue AUTHOR-SSI
soosicfany33
#10
Chapter 26: LET'S CONTINUE THIS AUTHOR-SSI!!!

we're all here..hwaiting!!