Around 10:30 Seunghyun sat up on the bed. He pulled at Jiyong’s blanket trying to pull up all the courage he could. After around 15 minutes he got up and started pacing the room. After what seemed like the thousandth lap around the room he heard the front door open and shut. He felt the air evaporate from his lungs. He felt the butterflies return to his stomach despite his efforts to push them down.

He heard Jiyong talking to his parents about work and other small talk details while he stood motionless in the dark waiting for him to enter the room. After a few minutes the door opened and extinguished much of the darkness with light. Jiyong looked exhausted and slightly depressed. He didn’t look up before shuffling to his bed and flopping down on it, face down. Seunghyun walked up to him and nudged him.

“Jiyong? Please don’t go to sleep yet. We need to talk.” Seunghyun pleaded.

Jiyong laid on his bed with his face in his pillow as if dead. No sound or movement could be detected. His dark hair looked like it laid alone on his pillow, attaching to his neck. He was still in his school uniform which had a few bleach spots on it, probably from all the cleaning he did. Had he already gone to sleep? He couldn’t have. His finger was just about to poke Jiyong in ribs when his voice cut in.

“I know how you feel, hyung.” Jiyong said in a muffled tone.

Seunghyun’s blood froze in his veins. He knew. He was obvious. Now he braced himself for the worst that came after the wave of shock.

“I know you like me. You don’t have to say anything. I know how you have been feeling.” Jiyong said.

Seunghyun couldn’t speak. It was if this was a natural disaster, something he couldn’t avoid. He only braced himself for the atrocity that was coming in his direction.

“I’m really tired tonight. Work was so hard. Can we just talk some other time about all these things?” Jiyong asked with a little pleading.

“But I’m going home tomorrow, Jiyong. When will we be able to talk about this? I can’t even go to your work to see you for who knows how long.” Seunghyun replied.

The room remained silent for what seemed like an eternity in Seunghyun’s mind. He could feel himself aging and hear the ringing in his ears returning. His nerves were on fire. Something had to happen soon. He could feel the pessimism taking precedence in his mind. Jiyong didn’t like him. He didn’t want him. He would never like or want him. He was embarrassed by him and his appearance. He didn’t even want to be friends anymore. He thought he was a freak. He fell on the ground as his legs gave way. It was as if the weight of what was said was too much for them to take.

Soon the tears started to fall and he felt desperation setting in. He needed to do something, anything. He couldn’t be without Jiyong. Left all alone. Should he apologize? Should he beg? Would he still accept him as a friend to stay by his side even though he felt these feelings? Maybe he could ignore them, banish them away so Jiyong would keep him around even in a small way.

Just as Seunghyun was about to start openly sobbing on the floor, Jiyong spoke.

“I’ll just call you at your house and we can talk about it on the phone. That may be easier anyways. I don’t know when I’ll be able to call you but I will when I know what to say and do.” Jiyong said softly with a sigh.

It wasn’t a total rejection but it wasn’t acceptance either. He probably just needed to wait a while longer, as hard as it was. He would wait until Jiyong was ready, however long it would be.

“Okay, Jiyong-ah. I understand. Sleep well.” Seunghyun said, turning on his side, tears fresh on his cheeks.

He didn’t get all the answers he wanted. He still had a ton of questions. It seemed that his bravery evaporated when Jiyong spoke. He wasn’t all that brave. He thought he was. How long would he be like this? Why couldn’t he stand up for himself? He was such a softy for this boy. He felt angry with himself. How long would he be left waiting for answers? Why did he keep hurting himself?

He clutched the bearbrick tight in his hand and tried to hold back the emotion that pushed to leak from his eyes. He couldn’t cry. That would give him away. This would be good. He just had to remain strong and become a better person, for Jiyong. He needed to be someone he could be proud of, someone who he would never abandon.