Jiyong and Seunghyun were lost in their own thoughts for the small remainder of the night. They would occasionally catch each other’s eye and give a small smile before going back to work. Jiyong’s music player was dead so they spent the ride back in thick silence.

“Hyung, you won the bet. What is it that you want?” Jiyong said quietly while looking out the window on the bus ride.

Seunghyun sighed. It seemed so trivial before but now things were different. He could feel it in the silence and their words both. They weren’t the same kids they were this morning.

“Meet me at the park between our houses tomorrow night at 7 and I’ll tell you.” Seunghyun said, ruffling the younger’s hair, which made him tense up a little.

Seunghyun got off at his stop. He looked up and his home’s window with the light on and started to choke up at the sight. His mother was waiting for him again. She really did care for him. If only he could repay her somehow. He was such a terrible son.

He inched his way up the stairs into his house like his legs were cement blocks. Today was a roller coaster of emotions. He hoped he would have the courage to go on with his plans, beginning with tonight.

Seunghyun walked inside, neatly taking off his shoes. He didn’t have to look at the table to know his mother was sitting there. He walked into the kitchen and filled the teakettle to heat on the stove while getting out 2 mugs, tea infusers, and the relaxing chrysanthemum tea blend. He walked over to sit across from his mother. Looking at her face made him feel years older and wiser.

“I’m home, omma. I’m sorry that I have hurt and scared you. I was getting math tutoring from a friend. I should have told you. I’m sorry I’m not a better son.” Seunghyun said while holding her small frail hands in his.

He looked to see tears starting to fall from her eyes. He felt his own eyes start to fill with liquid. He never meant to hurt her. He just didn’t know what he was doing. He was following his heart because his head wasn’t good for much anyways.

Soon the teakettle whistled and Seunghyun got up to brew the tea. He needed a good talk with his omma. He needed to hear her comforting voice. He was really scared of all the thoughts he has been having. He brought the hot liquid over to the table where his mother was wiping her tears on her sleeve.

“Seunghyun-ah. Please sit down. I want to tell you a story.” She said while sniffing.

Seunghyun sat down and gave her the mug. She sat there in silence staring into the mug like she didn’t know where to begin. Seunghyun touched her hand, letting her know it’s okay.

“Many years ago there was a girl who liked to draw. She loved to take what she saw and make it alive on what was once blank paper. Her friends complimented her work and she felt so pleased with herself. Soon it was hard for her to focus on her work. She loved to look out of the window and sketch everything she saw. One day her teacher approached her and told her that she needed to straighten up or she wouldn’t go to the next grade. It was really hard for her. Her sketches were so much a part of her but they wouldn’t help her with her future.” She said before pausing, looking like she was in large amounts of pain.

“Seunghyun-ah, she slowly stopped drawing and focused on her studies. She wanted to make her family happy. The itch never left her and turned into agony and depression. Her grades suffered and she barely made it out of school and didn’t have any choices for her future but to marry.” She said, starting to cry again towards the end. She reached over and put her hands on his after taking a long sip of tea.

“You are a lot like your omma. You always like to see the beauty in life and the world, Seunghyun. Don’t lose that. Don’t become bitter like I have. I only realized what I have been saying to you as I sat at this table tonight watching the clock.” She said, tears glistening in her eyes.

“Omma.” Seunghyun said softly. He had no idea. She never got to finish her dreams and seeing her son being like herself she wanted him to do better than herself. His heart felt so sore from all the feelings. He wanted to help her see all the beauty in the world again. He wanted Jiyong to know he was special. He wanted to be someone who could make them proud.

He sipped his tea, hoping it would mend his heart with its warm mild flavor. He didn’t want to become like his mother but now he understood her so much more as he watched her sob across the table. He could see himself becoming like that if he never rapped or wrote poems again. Losing so much of himself. He walked around and crouched by his omma, putting an arm around her shoulders.

“I found someone like me, omma.” Seunghyun said softly.

Her crying slowed but she didn’t speak.

“He is really amazing. I really don’t know what to do. He makes me enjoy myself. I get nervous around him. He likes to spend time with me too and loves rapping and music like I do. I find myself thinking that I never want to lose him. I feel so confused, omma. What should I do? What does this mean?” He said, feeling a smile creep onto his face thinking about Jiyong while also feeling fear at what his mother would tell him.

Several minutes passed by in silence and Seunghyun started getting really anxious. He knew this was bad. He knew he shouldn’t have told he mother about Jiyong. These feelings weren’t normal. He really was crazy.

“Seunghyun-ah, have you ever liked someone before?” His omma said in a gentle tone like she used when he was a child and she told him stories before bed.

“Well, yeah. Well, I think I have.” Seunghyun said. There was one girl in elementary school that was really pretty. Her hair liked to reflect the sun as she ran around with her friends. He never knew her name but he’d never forget the image. He also liked a girl when he was in kindergarten. She should remember that. He kissed her right in front of the house for his mother to see.

“Does this person make you want to be better? Do you feel like something is eating your stomach when you see them? When they smile does the whole world seem to dissolve around you? Do you think about them so much that you think you have gone crazy? If they started dating someone else, how would you feel?” She asked him with that same tone.

Seunghyun felt his mouth going dry and his heart racing. He liked Jiyong? He never really liked anyone else? He wanted to be with him forever, sure, but weren’t all best friends like that? He thought about the last question. He pictured Jiyong with a giggling girl with long hair; she clung to his arm as he walked her to school. She called him oppa, which made him smile. Seunghyun felt his heart break into a million pieces at the image.

He liked Jiyong.

Seunghyun’s omma leaned over and put her arms around her son. She could always read him and knew when something was wrong. Seunghyun felt his head get really heavy. Tears started to fall.

“I’m so sorry, omma. I know it’s so wrong for me to like a boy. I’m so sorry.” Seunghyun sobbed.

“Shh…gwachana-a. You are still my son. I still love you.” She said soothingly, rubbing his back softly and humming a song she used to sing him when he had nightmares as a child. It was about a bird being locked up for years and longing to fly outside of it’s cage until one day the door was left open and it was free to soar. This caused Seunghyun to cry even harder, his head falling on the table. He laid there and sobbed until he fell asleep.