(Jaeseop POV)

I made that promise. I made it. Now I had to keep it.

Kevin didn’t come to our room that night. He stayed with Soohyun, and Hoon came and used the spare bed that was in my room. I guess the leader knew that I was going to question the fish and didn’t want any more drama for the night. It was horrible really, after everything, he would still go and pull a stunt like that.

I thought that he really cared for me, but obviously I was mistaken. He and I needed to have a long conversation, and this time I wasn’t going to fall prey to his false words. This time I will do what is right for the both of us. We couldn’t keep lying to ourselves. This wasn’t working out. And until he was over Eli, it never would.

Right now, he had made me feel so worthless, like nothing more than a grain of sand people step on as they walk along the beach to get to the one they love. I was one of millions who loved Kevin. The only difference being that I got to be with him, for a little amount of time. I got to call him mine, but then again, he was never really mine was he? He has always been Eli’s, whether the pigeon realises this or not.  It was inevitable that I would be hurt by the visual maknae. It was inevitable. I just wish that I had realised sooner.

Rolling over I looked at the clock beside my bed. 5am. We had to be up in two hours to go to dance practice. I sighed. There was no way in hell I was getting back to sleep now.

With every ounce of strength I had left, I dragged myself out of the bed and into the bathroom, grabbing a towel on my way.  Above all else I just needed to clear my head. I couldn’t deal with all of what was going on lately. It was too much, although I guess some of it was my fault. I should have seen the signs. The thing I don’t understand is, if he loves Eli and not me, then why did he have with me. Why did he give me his ity if he didn’t even want me to begin with? Then again, the answer was obvious. He used me, like a pawn in his vindictive games to make Eli jealous. I couldn’t help but feel slightly bitter towards Eli. I know it wasn’t his fault. But I just didn’t understand what he had that I didn’t.. Aish. It was all to god damn much to deal with right now.

I the shower, letting the water heat up to a temperature that was sure to burn my skin. Not that I cared all that much. I’d take the physical pain over the emotional pain I was feeling right now, any day. Why was life so messed up? Why couldn’t it just go my way for once? Every time it seemed like something was going good for me, something else had to come and tear it all down and bring me back to a place I never wanted to be in again.

I sighed and turned to the sink, and brushed my teeth quickly. Figuring I may as well do it now and not later.

I got out of my clothes and stepped into the shower, letting the scolding water pour over my body, sending my skin red within a second. It was soothing almost. As odd as it sounds. It was… a release, in a way. That was my chance then. To let it all out, to try to get all of the hurt and pain out of my body. Well, as much of it as I could. I knew full well that this… what ever you call this emotion I was feeling, would never leave me fully. I would always be scared by it. Always.

“Wae Kevin… Wae would you do this to me…” I whispered, not wanting to wake anyone. The tears I had been suppressing made their appearance at that point.

They fell and fell, making my body shake with how hard the sobs ripped out of me. It was a whole new world of pain.  People say that a good cry will make you feel better, it’s a load of crap! If anything I feel worse. I feel like I’ve let myself down. I feel weak and like nothing can make me feel whole again. Kevin…. He was… I don’t even have words to describe what he meant to me. I loved him. So. God. Damn. Much. And what do I get in return? Betrayed. Lied to. Hurt. Torn apart. All because I’m not worth loving? What made me so bad? Why am I not worth anything? What did I ever do to be treated like this? I don’t even know the answer to that…

I don’t know when, but somehow I had gotten myself into a sitting position, my knees to my chest, my arms wrapped around them. I had my chin resting on my knees as the hot water poured over my body. I knew that it should be warming me.. Burning me even, with the heat it was at. And yet, I still felt cold. So very… very cold.

I felt like I was being torn apart. It wasn’t until I heard a knock at the door that I realised how loud I was sobbing. I stood up and turned off the water, stepping out of the shower, I wrapped the towel around my waist and placed my clothes in the hamper.

Opening the door, I came face to face with Hoon, who wore a look of grave concern on his face. He shot me a sad smile before taking my hand and leading me back to my room. It was only 6. Still another hour before we needed to be up.

I felt useless at this point.

Hoon sighed before sitting me down on my bed and heading over to the closet and pulling out some clean clothes. I didn’t even object when he took another towel from the shelf and began to dry me. Neither of us spoke. The atmosphere was enough to convey what didn’t need to be said aloud. I still had tears falling from my eyes. And something told me that Hoon had been told what Kevin had done. And I’m guessing he knew that I knew too.

Once he had finished drying me off, he helped me to dress.. Although I wasn’t much help really.

After that he sat me in front of him, on the floor so that he could towel dry my hair.  

“Hoon…” I wimpered “K-Kasahamnida”

“Ah, Jaeseop.. Aniyo. Don’t mention it. It is the least I can do” He smiled so sincerely it was almost sad.

“I… I just..” I said, suddenly rocked with another wave of tears. “I.. n-need to e-end it d-don’t I…” I sobbed

He wrapped his large arms around me, and I buried my face in his shoulder, staining his shirt with my tears. “Shhh, Jaeseop-ah. It will be okay. Don’t worry. It will all be okay, it will take time, but you will learn not to hurt. I will be here to help you through. But I cannot tell you what you should do with Kevin, it is not my place. You need to work that out for yourself”

“M-Mainhae H-Hoon.. I j-just… I don’t k-know what I s-should do any m-more” I cried into his shoulder.

“I know.. I know, and I am sorry there is nothing I can do to stop you feeling this way right now. But it will get better. I promise you” he cooed.

“Kas-saham-ni-ni-da” I stuttered through a round of tears.

He pulled back and stood me up. He smiled slightly before fixing my hair. “Any time. Now, go wait in the living room whilst I get ready, I won’t be long”

I nodded and headed into the living room quietly. Only to find Eli sitting there. This should be fun..

“Hey Aj.. How are you feeling?” He said, moving up so I could sit beside him.

“I’ve been better” I said, oh what I must look like. No doubt my eyes were red and puffy, I must have tears staining my face. I must have looked a wreck.

“So you know then…” He said sadly

“Ne. I know.. I overheard Soohyun and Kevin talking last night about it… Well, I mean after I heard what he’d done I kind of just… walked away, but yeah…” I said. Trying not to start crying again.

“I’m really sorry about all of this AJ. You don’t deserve any of this. I am sorry for all the hurt I have caused you” he said, looking down at his hands.

I couldn’t believe my ears. Eli was apologising? But.. why? He’d done nothing wrong? He had no reason to feel guilty. I mean, I know I was saying that he was a bit… yeah in my books at the moment.. but not only had Kevin made me this broken down mess, he had made it so that Eli thought he had hurt me? This was beyond a joke now.

I was pissed off to hell with Kevin.. And yet, there was still that part of me that couldn’t even be mad at him. Because I loved him. Too bloody much!

“Eli. Don’t please. Don’t be sorry. You have done nothing, I repeat, nothing wrong. You haven’t hurt me at all. Kevin is the one that hurt me not you. Okay!” I said, pulling him into a hug

He hugged me back and sighed “But if it wasn’t for me…”

“Aniyo! Kevin is a grown-up. He knew what he was doing. And he and I will be having a little chat later about all of this” I said, cutting him off. And letting him go.

“Are you going to…. End things with him?” he asked, looking a little shocked.

“I honestly don’t know at the minute Eli. I guess we will cross that bridge when we come to it.. But the way it is looking at the minute, that’s how it seems. I just don’t know what to do with him anymore. I mean, I feel like he isn’t the same person I fell for. He is being deceitful, and lying and i just never thought that he would be capable of being so damn mean. I’m not sure what is going to happen now..”

“You guys really need that talk don’t you.. Geez. I am really sorry about your situation AJ. Nobody deserves to be treated like this. I don’t know what has gotten into the stupid fish lately. It’s like he has lost his mind. Because he clearly isn’t thinking straight.” Eli sighed.

At that moment, we were joined by Hoon and Soohyun. Closely followed by Dongho and Kiseop. Then a swollen looking Kevin.

Soohyun then informed us that we are to leave Kevin alone for the time being, he will come to practice but he was just to watch. I sighed, he refused to meet my eyes when I tried to look at him.

Kiseop made his way over to Eli, finding his way into the pigeons arms right away. They shared a kiss and you could see just by how they were that they loved each other very much. I was very envious of that. I mean, I was happy for them of course, but a part of me wondered why them and not me and Kevin. Then again, I wouldn’t wish what I was going through on anybody else, so it was for the best that they were in love and happy.

“Alright guys, enough of that, come on. To the van” Soohyun announced and we all followed the leader out. When we reached the van, Hoon, Kevin and Dongho climbed in the very back, the fish clearly didn’t want to be near me. That hurt. Especially after what he’d done. Then in the middle was me, Kiseop and Eli. Soohyun of course sat in the front with the driver.

It wasn’t a long trip to get there but it was long enough for me to get my head around things.

I needed this to be done, I needed all the pain and hurt to just go away and there was only one way for that to happen, and that was by keeping the promise I’d made to myself.

I held back what was left of the tears that wanted to leave my eyes, hoping that nobody would notice my state.

I loved him. I really did, and this was going to take everything I had to get through, but it needed to be done, because if we were to remain how we are, then it will just result in more pain and more heartache. And I don’t know if I can deal with anymore of that..

We pulled up outside the studio and made out way up to the practise room. Just before we he could enter the room, I pulled Kevin to one side. Making sure the others took no notice, I lead him into the locker room.

“J-Jaeseop… W-What’s wrong..” He stuttered. He looked so fragile like this. So much so that it made me not want to go through with this.

Even after all the hurt he caused me… I didn’t want to see him upset.. but never the less, I made a promise. And I needed to keep it.

“Kevin… We need to talk” I said, my voice cracking slightly.

“A-About what?” he asked, tears forming in his beautiful almond eyes. Stay strong Jaeseop.

“Us. Kevin, this isn’t working…” I said, the held back tears now making their escape. “I know what you did..”

“Jaeseop…. I…”

“Aniyo Kevin. Please don’t. You know as well as I do that this relationship is going nowhere. I can’t do this when I know you want someone else. It hurts too much Kevin” I sobbed

“What are you saying.. Jaeseop please…. Don’t… please…”

“Kevin…”

“Jaeseop… Are you… Are you breaking up with me?” He asked quietly.. the tone in his voice breaking my heart once more.

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A/N: Such a sad chapter T^T

Ahh.. here it is guys. Hope this was okay.

Sorry for any mistakes/type-o's

What will Jaeseop say? Is this the end of Jaevin?! Who knows?!

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Until next time \(^.^)/

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