“It’s way colder then you thought isn’t it?” Joon asked digging in his coat pocket and pulling out a pair of black gloves. “Give me your hands.” He said, his breath fogging out in front of his face. He rolled his eyes as he put them on my hands and then looked away. “Put your hands in your pockets.” He told me and then we started to walk. I heard the music and instantly knew what I wanted to do. I stood back a while listening to the cheerful music and watched it as it went around in a circle and the flashing lights and colors all the animals. I couldn’t hide my excitement just standing there in my spot with big glossy eyes. Joon stopped and turned around holding the camera close to his face. “Joonie hyung and I are friends…aren’t?” Joon lowered the camera from his face, the wind started to blow really hard for a second and rustled across the ground. “Yah what are you talking about?” I didn’t mean to look so disappointed but I was sometimes his words came out ice cold when I wanted them to be warm and comforting. I wanted to me friends with hyung. “Don’t look down, would I hang around you so long if we weren’t friends?” He said walking back toward me. “We’re friends Doongie.” He said smiling faintly. “Let’s be close friends hyung.” It was kind of weird to say we should be friends and call him hyung in the same sentence but I didn’t want to stop calling him hyung just yet. “Fine, close friends it is.” He rolled his eyes as he wrapped his right arm around my lower back and grabbed my right hand, being sure to keep a strong grip on the camcorder as he urged me along. “What do you want to do first Doongie?” “I want to ride the carousel I want to ride it with hyung.” I put my glove covered hands to my face because my cheeks were getting really cold. “Okay.” There were two stories to the carousel and I wanted to climb all the way to the top and look over the whole carnival as I did rode in circles on my choice of animal. I was probably way more excited than all the other kids waiting at the gate to get inside and I’m sure I gracefully dashed past them to get to the top and claim my seat before anyone else. Hyung followed slowly after allowing all the children to enter before him. “Which are you riding?” He asked noticing I was feeling indecisive. “Just pick one now and we can ride it again later.” Hyung is so smart. Joon sat back inside a sleigh-like seat that was being pulled by a tiger just beside the elephant I decided to ride on. He laughed a bit as he recorded my excitement, the up and down motion of the ride made me feel so giddy along with the constant rotation of the carousel itself and the cheery music. I was so happy and even more so because Joon was with me and he said we were friends. He waved to me from behind the lenses and I happily waved back. I think I was probably laughing much louder than anyone there…

Joon’s point of view

“It’s really cold out isn’t?” I said noticing that some people were picking up the things and heading out toward the parking lot with their children. It was pretty empty after that, only couples were left and maybe some teenagers. I suggested that we went inside for a little while there was a show going to start, just some magicians and fortune tellers and a few animal trainers and acrobats. It was all really exciting to me and it was warm inside I could finally pry my hand from the camera after my body warmed up. First was the fortune tellers, we each had to go in alone and sit at the typical round table with the glass ball. “Let me see your palms first.” The woman said and I put out both hands on the table. She only just barely touched my hands before she jumped and pulled back. I was worried, I don’t usually believe in fortune telling, I just think it’s all in good fun but that reaction made me very curious. The woman began to look around then back to me. “Did you come here with someone else?” Before I could respond “A male, his energy is very pure” she added on. “There’s something in his heart, he is unsure of” She commented before she fully took grasp of my hands. “Ah I see, you feel unsure but I can see very clearly that your heart has made up its mind.” It was my turn to jump and I pulled my hands back and put them under the table. I couldn’t stop shaking after that. “I think I’ve had enough.” I grabbed coat from the back of the chair and bowed to her. “Thank you.” “Do send Sang hyun in.” O_O How did she know his name and his real name at that. “I-I will.” I stammered toward the out curtain. “Oh and Changsun”I forced myself to look back in her direction. “There is someone, you both care about, she’s ill isn’t she?” I gulped. “Do get back to her very soon. I’m worried about the outcome if you don’t.” I bowed again and exited.

“Hmm. Now Dongie, you have such a bright spirit though life has played you a deck of cards that are all quite unfortunate. I like that you’re smiling now and it is a genuine smile.” I heard her say through the curtain. “You came here with someone you care about?” Her readings started to sound familiar and I started to wonder how many people were getting the same general readings but then she went deeper. “I won’t say much more about it because I want your innocent heart to guide itself to where it wants to be so let’s talk about you mother.” She paused and noticed that Thunder’s smile had faded a bit. “She loves you very much, she asked you to bring her something back from here didn’t she?” Thunder, wide-eyed, nodded with his mouth agape he was clearly drawn in by her words. “She said it would make her happy if you bring her this item back, under the circumstances that she asked.” “Mm” he simply responded. “There’s no need to read any further then, you already have the determination enough to bring back exactly what she asked for without knowing the outcome from me.” She cracked a small smile for him and released his palms. “She wants you to have as much fun as possible today. She’s worried that you don’t have that opportunity enough. She wants you to be more honest with your feelings.” “Ah, thank you ahjumma. Have a pleasant holiday.” He bowed and made his way back outside the tent. “Oh Doongie, as far as what happens before you leave here, keep an open heart and mind and as far as what happens when you return home allow others to comfort you when you need it. Everyone wants to see you smile as genuinely as usual. Don’t hide your sadness or frustrations.” He exited and we decided not to discuss what we’d been told. “What now hyung?” “The show” We watched as acrobats jumped and twirled through the air above how heads some spewing fire to light large hoops and some jumping through the rings of fire. Sometimes they came really low and close to the crowd and it was almost like a watching a really realistic 3D movie only…everything really was happening in front of our eyes. Even the lions there jumped through hoops and roared loudly shaking everyone’s eardrums. Thunder held really tight to me while everything played out even when the magician only asked him to pick a card he did so delicately and never loosening his grip on my arm.  “Wow that was all so amazing, I never want to leave here” He had bright stars in his eyes. But I remembered what the fortune teller said and I did want to make sure that Thunder’s omma was okay but I didn’t want to bring her up either because I knew he’d worry. We agreed on a few more hours of fun before heading back home taking into account how long the drive is too. He rode the spinning tops and Thunder got his sweets, we rode the Ferris wheel and we shared some cheese fries. He held my hands and my heart skipped a beat. We were relaxing for just a bit, even after we sat down he didn’t let go of my hand and my heart was pounding. So annoying, I wished it would stop, I shouldn’t have been having that feeling in my chest because he held my hand and smiled at me. Just because he wanted to be close friends….just because I wanted to be more. It all felt so stupid. It was time to play the games. I got warmed up with some simple balloon popping games and such but the real game that had the real prizes was the bottle ring toss. There was a table that had at least 50 silver milk bottles on it. The table spinned too, neither of us was familiar with this version of the game (even Thunder had seen bottle tossed in books or on TV maybe but nothing like this). There were some bottles that had one yellow stripe on them and some with blue the rest were plain silver bottles. I had to toss my rings to the blue striped bottles that were scattered on the spinning table and Thunder had to try and get as many rings on the yellow striped bottles as possible. Getting them on the silver ones didn’t count. It was extreme and I’m pretty he shoved me with his elbow on purpose while we were tossing our rings. “Yah, I can’t play with you if you keep cheating.” “Yah who says I’m cheating you’re just whining because I’m beating you.” He replied with a smug face, he really got into it. I know that he wanted to beat me AND get the biggest prize which we made sure came from this game. He wanted to win it for omma but I wouldn’t let him win because of it so I focused and got into the game too. We watched as the man behind the counter slowly counted out my blue bottles that had rings on them. “24” he counted to me then he started to count Thunder’s “36.” He said and I sighed. I wasn’t too upset about losing though and even though she wanted me to win something for her by beating Doongie I didn’t go out of my way to do so…especially since my hands were freezing. I played a short game of “basketball” really just tossing the ball until time was up and won a little yellow and white monkey plushie. It was pretty shameful compared to the gigantic fluffy yellow duckling. “I’m so happy it’s a duckling, it reminds me of when hyung and fed ducks at that other park.” He said, I think, it was pretty hard to hear him from behind the massive stuffed animal his whole face was covered by it when he walked. He nearly fell and squeezed it tight while he tried to catch his balance and it…quacked. “Oooh hyung did you hear that, I didn’t know it did thaaat.” He squeezed it a bit more and giggle very rooster-like as he enjoyed the toy. “What now Thunder?” “Oh, don’t you want to decide on anything? You’ve been asking me that all day and I’m worried hyung isn’t having any fun.” Thunder made a slanted expression with his mouth as he looked down at his lap. “Yah, stop, I’ve a lot of fun. I’ve already decided that after whatever it is you want to do next that I would get a big slice or fresh apple pie and then we can head back.” “Mm” He said nodding “Then I want to ride the carousel one more time and take a photo booth picture.” I couldn’t help but giggled at his certainty. “Arraseo, let’s go then.”

                He picked a horse this time. A white stallion with a golden saddle, it was conveniently located by another sleigh so I prepared myself to sit there just as I’d did before. There weren’t any more kids, it was late and freezing out, all the couples probably went home to snuggle up to get warm and all the teenagers parents probably picked them up. “Joonie, you can take the front of this horse and I can hold on.” He had sparkly, hopeful, eyes when he soothed out his idea. I didn’t want to say no for a number of reasons but the main was because I liked that idea of him holding on to me. I got on and he got on behind me, wrapping his long arms around my abdomen and lowering his face to my back. “I’m so happy today, especially because you’re here.” His arms locked tight around waist and I felt my face getting hot. “Let’s take the pictures now so I can get my pie before they close.” He nodded and dragged me and the giant duckling behind him as he sprinted toward the booth. It was going to shut down for the day but Thunder….no one could resist his charm. “Please just one, this is my first time ever being here sir.” I sighed somewhat turned off by him begging the man to let us into the photo booth area. “Really ahjussi this is my first time and Joon is my first friend I want to have this memory for ever in picture form. I’ve never even been in a photo booth before please.” He started to tremble a bit when he squeezed my hand as he pleaded the man for entrance. “Is this really is first time?” The man asked glancing over at me. And I nodded. “Okay, don’t take too long.” Doongie lit up with the man’s words and rushed passed him to get inside. We picked a simple background just white with a heart at the top then the picture taking started…it was a very peculiar moment too. “Okay now hold my waist here. Hyung press your cheek to mine and smile. Silly face for this one” I went along for the motions with all of those but the last pose suggestion startled me a bit. “Now kiss my cheek” O_O “Yah why do I have t-“”hurry times running out.” I leaned toward his cheek hesitantly and when I did his face turned toward man… *thump thump thump* Why were his eyes closed, I never expected our lips to touch that way but it happened and I waited a few seconds and he didn’t pull back, the last flash came and I pulled back. He opened his eyes and looked at me as if nothing happened. “Doongie wh-“”I can’t wait to see how if came out!” He shouted jumped out the other side of booth and waiting for the strips to print. I was still shaken up by our kiss? I wasn’t sure if it was an accident or he planned it but he didn’t say anything. I got my pie and we sat down at a picnic table watching the rest of the guests leave. “Oh I want to try it hyung.” He eagerly announced wiggling next to the duckling. “This is mine I haven’t even had any yet and you’re asking for some.” He just giggled and grabbed the fork from me. He blew the steaming pie gently before putting it in his mouth. “It’s really good.” He said muffle by his chewing.

                Obviously after all the excitement he knocked out in the car on the way back. He breathes to lightly when he sleeps. He is a really beautiful person and I love being around him.

It’s just I worry too much and don’t let things take their course, but this isn’t the course I wanted I still wish I could’ve prevented it…it all hurts too much.

Joon’s point of view (again)

“This is 911 what’s your emergency?” I heard her say it, or at least I expected her to say that but I was numb from my head down and I wasn’t focusing properly I didn’t know what to do. We just got home and she wouldn’t wake up, she wouldn’t wake up and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t hear anything over him. His hysterical sobs I’d left the room to call for the ambulance to come and they were on their way then went back into the bedroom with Thunder and …omma. “Omma *sniffle* Ommaaaa. Wake up please. Look” He picked up the giant duckling from the floor beside the bed. “Look omma I got this, It was the biggest in the park. I beat Joonie hyung fair and square. I won this for you omma. Aren’t you happy? You said that you would be happy if I won, if I beat Joonie hyung. It’s the biggest ommaaa. Just look at it. Are you happy ommaaaa?” He sobbed into the duckling. “Why won’t you wake up. You’d said you’d be happy…” I had to take him out, the ambulance had arrived and he wasn’t helping the situation. He refused to leave so I had to force him. “Thunder come on now” I yelled pulling at his waist but he held onto the bed sheets. As he sobbed louder “I won’t let them take her,” “Thunder please stop.” I softened my tone and whispered he cried out more but loosened his grip on the sheets. He left the room and I looked back remembering what the fortune teller had said. The food I’d made was still eside the bed and her skin was pale grey. I handed Thunder his coat and forced him to walk with me. “Let’s go Thunder.” He calmed down eventually, there were some soft sniffles but he’d calmed down. The sky was full of stars that twinkled and reflected in his glassy eyes as he laid his head on my shoulder and tossed out some bread crumbs for the baby ducklings. “I want to see omma Joon.” “I know you do.” “She loves me. She has to see what I won for her before she dies.” “She won’t die Doongie, she could never leave you so soon. We can visit her everyday” Something came over me and I his hair. It was ice cold. “I should’ve gotten your hat too.” I commented lowly. “I love you hyung.” My heart skipped another beat. “I-I” “Never leave me.” He said softly. “I won’t.” I lifted his face to mine and wrapped my arms around his neck as I pressed our noses together as well as our lips. His body stiffened a bit, he whimpered but didn’t move for a few seconds until he finally return the kiss until it became like our lips melded together. He pulled back for a second and sniffled. “Hyung loves me too?” He looked up at me though I hadn’t let him out of my embrace. “More than I’ve ever loved anyone. Is that okay?” I’d never felt so unsure saying anything to anyone as I did in that moment confessing to him and at such an awful time I didn’t know what I was thinking. He sighed and his breath fogged out of his mouth from the cold. “Thank you for today hyung. Despite everything I’m still happy today.” He stood up after I let go I suddenly felt really small after kissing him in such a vulnerable state. I wasn’t even sure if it meant anything to him and that hurt me to be curious and I didn’t have to courage to ask. “Let’s go home, I’m tired.” He said watching some leaves fall from the trees when the wind blew. “O-okay.” I stood. It was dark but the lights and sirens of the ambulance speeding through the streets lit up the path as it passed by. “Don’t fight if it’s time omma. I’ll be okay.” He said under his breath and grabbed my hand tight before he covered his nose and mouth with his scarf. He was incredibly strong at that moment and if I’d ever realized it was at the moment… “I want hot chocolate when we get back.” “Okay, anything.” “I want ramen too and I want to cuddle with hyung.” O.O I just lowered my eye lids and smiled. “Anything you want.”

I was up thinking when he fell asleep, he was wrapped around my waist and lying in my lap. The hospital called, she needed surgery, she has for so many years and now it was dire and I didn’t think twice about. Four days from now omma would go into surgery and if it works out she’ll be healthy for good. She won’t be awake until then…but we’ll visit as much as we can.

“Mmm.” Thunder groaned, squeezing tighter in his sleep. “Hyung is mine now right?” He asked sleepily. “Oh, what do you mean?” I asked being sure to not assume anything and also take into account how he must be feeling. “I love hyung and hyung loves me. So we can be together now right? I want to belong to hyung and no one else.” It felt like I’d swallowed my heart when he’d woken up and said that. “Is that what you want?” He released my waist and sleepily sat up rubbing his eye and nodding. “Mm. I have for a while. I’m okay when hyung’s with me.”  I just smiled faintly wishing someone would pinch me. “Okay.” Was all I could muster as a response. He placed his cold palm on my cheek then moved in and kissed me gently. I only put my hand over his to warm it and locked fingers with his other hand on the bed. “Let’s rest then.” “Okay Joonie hyung. I am tired.” I lied beside him and turned the light out.