Chapter 41: A Gap between Love and Guilt

Trigger to finale

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Jongdae

“Have a nice day!” Jongdae flashes them a smile before bowing and takes his leave. For the past four days, the younger’s aura seemed to be brighter and happier than before. He greets and smiles more and though it creeped out the staffs a bit, they were happy nonetheless. It’s rare to see Jongdae smile genuinely in the past and seeing him now all that, it made their heart swell with warmth and sometimes their heart races because their young boss is simply captivating and beautiful when he smiles.

Sungmin attends the cashier for this day and notices their boss approaching the kitchen, a small smile gracing his face that made the older smile at the sight.

“Jongdae,” Sungmin calls out and Jongdae turns his head towards him with a questioning face. Sungmin laughs and beckoned him to come closer to which the younger did.

“What is it, Sungmin?” the younger asks, a bit quick yet still defined proper and coherent.

Sungmin playfully smiles, “You’ve been smiling a lot these days. What’s the catch?”

Jongdae purses his lips, not wanting to really answer that question because he himself is also questioning it. So, when he saw customer comes by, he smiles nervously and sang ‘there’s a customer~’ and takes his leave, leaving a dumbfounded Sungmin behind who sighed and attended to the customer with a smile. Sighing as he finally got away from Sungmin, Jongdae enters the kitchen to switch from one of the staff inside. Tying the two strips of his apron at his back, Jongdae took out several fresh strawberries bowl out from the refrigerator when Eunhyuk yelled that the Strawberry Oblivion and Rose Bloom were already out from the cart.

After some hours being kept in the kitchen, Jongdae switched with the staff and takes his break. He watches his café with a small smile plastered on his face and Sungmin stood beside him after another staff switched with him. They both watched the café, the customers with smiles on their faces, the waiter and waitresses with their tired, yet still warm and happy smile when they serve the customer and the warm ambiance of the café made their heart settle in a cool rest and warmth.

“It’s nice to see this café lively again. Happy and warm, just like before, don’t you think, Jongdae?” Sungmin asks, a warm tone lingering in his voice and Jongdae smiles.

“Yeah, it’s been a long time and it’s nice to see this again.”

The two males chatted for awhile and Sungmin stopped abruptly midway from his talk when he spotted someone familiar entering the café. Narrowing his eyes, Sungmin remembered who that person is  and Jongdae looks at him quizzically before turning to where the older was looking at and his eyes widens who it is.

“Sehun?” Jongdae and Sungmin muttered at the same time and by chance, Sehun turned his head towards them, a smile spreading at his face when he saw them.

“Hello, Sungmin hyung and Jongdae hyung,” Sehun greets them when he approached them. The two male greeted him back with a ‘hello’ and Sungmin excused himself first when a staff approached him for his presence in the coffee area. Jongdae beams Sehun a smile and ruffles the younger’s hair a bit and Sehun whines in return. Jongdae laughs and pulls back and notices the younger holding a bouquet of flower. Narrowing his eyes a bit, Jongdae dismisses it, thinking that Sehun has someone to give that.

“What brought you here, Sehun?”

Sehun beams him a smile and nearly shoved the bouquet of flowers in front of his face, making him take a step back and look at the younger male with a quizzical look. Sehun apologized for his impoliteness and for being hyper and sheepishly smiled at him.

“I have a delivery for you, hyung!”

“Delivery?”

“Yes, delivery!”

Sehun hands him the bouquet and the former panics a bit on what to do, whilst Sehun takes a small card from the pocket of his coat and handing it over to Jongdae who took it unknowingly to what it contains.

“Mission accomplished. I’m going back now, Jongdae hyung.”

“Yah!”

Sehun left without sparing him a glance and Jongdae stood frozen at his place, dumbfounded at what had happened. The only time where he was pulled back was when he heard wolf whistles at his back and he turned to them with a glare. The staffs grinned and went back to their duties but not without a soft chuckle that made Jongdae smile a little.

Looking at the bouquet, Jongdae noticed his favourite flowers in it, decorated with rose, chrysanthemum, stargazer and baby’s breath and adorned with orange cream and viridian wrap with sprinkle of plastic gems around it. The young boss smelled the flowers, a twinkle of delight lingering in his eyes. Realizing that he has the folded card, Jongdae opens it and reads it.

Dear Jongdae,

I know my mistakes can’t be forgiven and that you still probably hate me for it. I won’t ask for you to love me again, I just wish for you to forgive me, even if it takes a long time. I’m willing to wait.

I hope you like the flowers! I’m sorry if I couldn’t give it to you in person since Baekhyun asked me for his help, so I need to rush over to him. But next time, I promise to give it to you in person. Take care and always keep up that smile. You look beautiful whenever you smile.

I love you, Jongdae. Forever and ever.

Truly yours,

Kim Minseok

Jongdae blushed furiously after what he read. He feels the warm feeling spread across his chest, the love settling down in his heart, making his heart races at each word. Tracing the words slightly by the tip of his fingertips, Jongdae skims over it again and again and stops at the last sentence.

I love you, Jongdae. Forever and ever.

Jongdae adorned a smile, a beautiful one that takes away your breath away in a second. He felt the genuine happiness filling his heart, the butterflies roaming in his stomach in return of it. A whistle broke off his sacred moment, turning at his side and found Sungmin snickering with a mischievous smirk on his face.

“Want to keep that love life in low profile?” Sungmin teasingly remarks. Jongdae blinks in return before realizing that he was at the dining area, where there are customers eating and possibly watching everything that had happened. Mentally face-palming himself, Jongdae’s panicky eyes looks around and found some were looking at him and giving him a small smile and chuckle that caused the poor male to blush in embarrassment and quickly excused himself followed by a laughing Sungmin behind.

Unbeknownst to them, a lone figure was peeking through the glass window, watching everything that happened. A wide smile graces his lips, his heart settling down in ease and comfort and burning love for the younger. He turns away and heads off to his destination, proud and joyful.

He needs to thank Sehun later.

Tao/Kris

“No. Tao. You-stop!”

Kris glares at the younger who just childishly smiled at him. They were at the children’s playground, due to one of the director’s 6 year old son’s birthday and Tao called him to accompany him to the birthday party since the son had grew a liking to him and Tao needs a partner and Kris is the victim.

Kris felt his head spinning from the running children, the colourful balloons around and the unearthly sunny breeze piercing his very own body. Kris shivered a bit by the cold breeze that passed by and he decided to sit for awhile. Taking a sit under the shade of the tree, Kris watched the children play and Tao playing with them with a youthful smile that Kris’s heart races a bit by that smile.

Looking away from the smile, Kris calmed his heart for awhile, trying to stop the feeling, but failed. Sighing, he rakes a hand through his hair and slumps his back on the seat, closing his eyes and places an arm on his face.

“I can’t possibly be having this,” Kris mumbles under his breath before he felt a tap on his shoulder that he raises his arm and met with a smiling Tao and a kid on his shoulder. Kris blinks and felt his throat constricts a bit and clumsily sat up straight, earning a loud cackle from the child sitting on Tao’s shoulder. Kris mentally cursed himself for being so clumsy and panicky these days, especially when he’s around with the younger for the past few days.

He felt a tap in his kneecap and turned to find a young girl (which he deemed her to be a 5 year old child) with a sad look on her face making Kris feel bad about her. Bending his body a bit, he asked what’s wrong.

“What’s wrong, baby?”

The child chewed on her bottom lip a bit and looks sideways which Kris turned to look at Tao who had a knowing look and nods his head. Realization struck him and he shifts his attention back to the child.

“You want me to carry you like Tao did?” he asks with a smile.

“Yes!” the young girl beams with a smile and Kris chuckles for a moment before ruffling her hair. Standing up, he picks up the girl and places her on his broad shoulder, pulling out a delighted smile from the young girl.

Looking at Tao who has a wide smile, Kris couldn’t help but smile  also, his heart racing from the younger’s smile.  It was a moment of shared smile and thoughts; a beginning of the unknown.

“Let’s take a walk with the kids, shall we?”

~

They decided to have a walk around the park, the children walking in their side, their hand clasped together with the small ones. The bushes were filled with flowers, rare hue of twinkle scintillated with the beams of the sun, radiating the water of the fountain and the small stream that they pass by below the bridge. The kids laughed a bit before running off ahead which caught them in surprise.

“Yah!”

“Catch us if you can!”

“Both of you are too serious!”

The kids grinned cheekily at them before sprinting off. Both of them were dumbfounded for a minute and looked at each other, their eyes widening in shock before sprinting off to catch the kids. The breeze sings with a joyful tune, the flowers sways with the kaleidoscope of the rainbow arch of the stream, the fishes dancing under it with a difference of fresh grain of sweep of light grazing them.

After some time of chasing the kids around, they finally caught them and Kris was ready to scold them, Tao ready to give his glare; the kids giggled and placed a chaste kiss on their lips, pulling back with a wide smile. They were both shocked at the sudden surprise action by the children.

“You guys are way too serious, you know.”

“And we want to help lighten the mood!”

“Forgive us?” They asked in unison, their eyes wide and twinkling in plead of forgiving them, a pout to back it up all. Kris looked at Tao and both blinked before smiling in their mutual silent agreement. Turning their attention back to the children, Kris crouched to level with the kids.

“Ay, we forgive you, but don’t do that again, okay? We were afraid that you might get lost and that your parents might kill us. Thank you for helping lightening the mood, though.” Kris ruffles both of their hair and Tao widens his smile as he watched Kris interacts and laughs together with the children. It pulled a string in his heart, beaming with joy as they laugh and smile, giving him more reason to love Kris more—thinking of him as a fatherly-like figure to the children and that his cold being isn’t really cold at all, but is warm.

Kris stands up and clasps his hand with the girl and Tao with the boy and both walked again back to the party. As they walk, Kris asked questions throughout and sometimes Kris delivers what Tao wants to ask them about. As they chatted happily, the two children looked at each other and had a knowing look at their faces after they took a look on their guardian. Slipping out from their hold, they joined hands and walks a bit ahead of them before stopping and turns around, facing them.

“You know, both of you look good together,” the boy says with a proud face. The girl nodding beside him in agreement.

“Yeah, you both look like couple!” the girl remarks with a wide smile. Both kids giggling before they turned around and walks off, hand by hand. Tao and Kris looks at them in astonishment, bewildered a bit before a smile graces their lips as they look at each other. A mutual feeling they share. Tao looked down, a faint blush appearing in his cheeks and Kris just turned to look at the children walk with swinging hands ahead. Looking at Tao, Kris heart races once more at the younger’s shy form, breaking one of the chain in his heart and Kris tries to keep his racing heart down.

“Let’s go?”

Tao looked at him before nodding his head, a childish smile appearing on his face that it caught Kris’ breath for a moment before he bit his bottom lip and nods his head. Both sauntered down, their hearts racing together as the breeze passes them by with joyful tune, the birds dancing across the blue sky.

Kids are always right.

Baekhyun’s POV

Chanyeol tells me a story, but I don’t understand it. He keeps giving me a story, but I don’t get it, why it hurts me. He tells me a story of two boys, vowed to be together forever, but the older of the two broke that promise and left, leaving the younger all alone. Years later, they met again, but the older doesn’t remember him and all was missing and the younger was broken by it.

He tells me another story of a boy who mended his life back together throughout the years, living a dull life, yet still sticks with the reality because he couldn’t fall short between the distance of him and his best friend.  So he mended his life back again, hastily and quickly forgetting to stitch back the head in the right way. Too bad, as Chanyeol says.

He narrates another, a boy falling in love again, yet doesn’t see the truth beyond those lies that the other male is making him believe in. He doesn’t see the truth and by the end he’ll see the reason why everything is a lie and where everything will turn upside down from there on.

Chanyeol is confusing me. The way he smiles and utters every word with his dark-rich voice with his brown orbs that glistened under every hypnotizing lopsided smile; he is hypnotizing me. I don’t like it. I don’t like the way I feel because I feel like I’m going to regret it all in the end and that is something I don’t want to happen.

But whenever I would part ways with him and had free time, I would remember him, see his smile and hears his laugh and soothing deep voice just right next to my ear. It quickens my heart. It gave me a feeling that I did not want to know, yet gave me this excited fear to delve in further into this feeling which I’m afraid to acknowledge.

My heart beats faster whenever I’m with him. I feel my breath hitched whenever I see him smile or make any contacts with me. My cheeks burn whenever he would laugh or speak; it makes my mind hazy and blur. This is something all the others have, what they call it as a precious matter that will lift you up and see more beyond the world.

“Baekhyun? Don’t you remember anything from your past?”

“Honey, this is impossible, Baekhyun’s is not young anymore, he coul-“

“It happens, Hao Min. He could forget everything, even the most precious.”

“Will it return?”

“If he wants to claim it back.”

“Hyung?” Chanyeol’s voice pulled me back to the reality and I gazed at him and saw a worried expression written all over his face. Where am I? Oh, right, Chanyeol took me a ride in his bike, telling me he wanted me to feel the air pass us by a swish than a whoosh. He took a stop near the café after a few blocks from the park after maybe sensing that I was out of the world which I am. 

“Do you want to take a rest? Or do you want to eat?” Chanyeol says with concern and I gripped the small seat that has been supporting me all this time, before I relaxed and nodded my head at his choices, whispering a broken ‘okay’. A vague answer, I know. He nods without word and takes the pedal again and started to move. I feel the wind brush against me, and watch the people walk back and forth and I thought of my parents. If they were alive, they must have been one of the crowds, hurrying down because they were late because of me childishly wanting more time with them before I sent them off to work. I smiled bitterly. It must have been funny.

The bike took an abrupt stop and I was almost thrown off, my racing heart barely making me register what is going on for a moment. When I got a hold of things, I looked at Chanyeol’s back, slouched and his arm seemingly rubbing something from his eyes. I tapped his shoulder and he turned to me with a confused yet startled look.

“…t’s…rong?” I feel stupid sometimes whenever I attempt to form a coherent sentence, but then Chanyeol understood me no matter what and I was glad for it. I feel happy to know that he still understands me even though I couldn’t form one sentence right without getting hoarse and cut off in  every syllable that are too heavy to utter out. I searched his eyes for something, but I never saw what I called a moment of fear, but merely a surprised eyes. His hand reaches up to his face again and he rubs his left eye, and I almost hissed at him to stop that, but never got to when he spoke.

“It’s nothing, hyung. Something caught in my eyes since I didn’t wear my glasses which I never told you about. My eyesight is a bit blur without those glasses, guess the dust particles makes an attack, huh?” he laughs a bit before muttering an apology to me that I must have been startled by the sudden brakes. I waved my hand, dismissing it and telling him that it is nothing to worry about and he furrows his eyebrows in doubt and I chuckled.

This kid, really. I punched his arm playfully, a smile adorning my face, before a lopsided smile crept its way to his face that took my breath away and he pedalled again, this time my heart racing, not because of the incident that happened awhile ago, but the smile that trapped the air in my throat.

I seriously can’t be falling in love with him.

~

“Yeah, right. Can’t be falling in love? Oh, please, Baekhyun. You and I know that you like the boy and that you are denying that fact.” Minseok snorts mockingly at me and I gave him a frustrated growl and he raised a challenging eyebrow at me.

“I don’t like the boy, Minseok. He is merely my brother and friend. Nothing else and nothing more. What I felt is merely adoration for the younger,” I mouthed back with a hiss and he rolled his eyes on me.

“Pshh, adored? You like the kid, Baekhyun. Let me guess, you can’t stop thinking about him, don’t you? Your heart races whenever you are with him, aren’t I, right?” I’m not backing down. Oh hell no. I gave him my best poker face and he mirrors mine, mocking me that he doesn’t believe me at all. Buying it at 0%.  Just as I was to challenge him again, to prove to him that I just adored Chanyeol, my phone rang. Great timing, phone. Like, really.

Letting out a sigh, I took my phone out of my pockets-Minseok eyeing me carefully while he drinks his coffee-and my breath hitches when I saw who it was. It was Chanyeol. My palms became sweaty all of a sudden, and I gulped without realizing before answering the call.

“…llo?” I mentally cursed in my mind, but was easily broken when I heard Chanyeol’s happy voice.

“Hyung! Ouch, stop it Mark.  Yah! Stop it!” I was literally frozen in my seat. I was listening to Chanyeol have fun to whomever he is with right now. 3 hours later after parting ways, I met up with Minseok hyung to talk about my life and now, he calls me and wants me to hear him laughing together with another man? What the hell did he call me for? Did he seriously thin-wait. Why am I getting jealous for? Surely, I don’t love the younger, so why am I getting angry for nothing? Okay, Baekhyun, this is nothing.

“Ah, Baekhyun hyung. There. Sheesh. Sorry, hyung. Mark’s being annoying since the last time I met with him. He’s being cute and all and yah!” I couldn’t hear him speak after his conversation with me was cut off when he yelled at Mark and I hear a faint sound at the background, but I don’t really care much about it since I was busy gritting my teeth without me knowing, blocking Chanyeol’s rants about Mark and then between the intervals of anger and blocking the sounds, I questioned him.

“Eh?” I think I heard something wrong.

“Huh? Hyung, were you even paying attention? Yah, Mark, stop it! Gosh, hyung, how I wish you were with me by side right now. I couldn’t put up with this dog. Like seriously, me and tackling me to the ground.” I couldn’t hear more of what he said afterwards. The word dog ringing in my head like a mantra and I let out the breath that I was holding which I didn’t notice that I was holding before. I loosed my tense nerves, now realizing what I have done.

“Dog?” I asked stupidly and Chanyeol hummed before scolding Mark again. Oh gosh, what have I done? The movement in front of me took me back to the reality and revelation sunk down on my head—really deep and hard.

A smirk was visible on Minseok’s face and his eyes twinkled in triumph and mischief and I knew he had won. My eyes widen and my cheeks burned in embarrassment resulting to a racing heart. I lost. .

“Hyung? Are you still there? I’ve wanted to ask you if you wanted to help me take care of Mark. It’s our family dog and I want you to see him, so…would you like to come by and take care of him also? I remembered you liked dogs.”

I watched Minseok made a ‘shoo’ motion, telling me not to mind him and continue on. I bit my lip and nervously gulped, feeling my throat tightens a bit before I give up. I sighed dramatically away from the phone, not wanting Chanyeol to hear that so that it won’t cause any misinterpretation. Putting back the phone on my ears, I glanced a bit at Minseok who still had his smirk before closing my eyes and muttered my answer.

“Yes.”

I could feel the happiness radiating from my phone and I could feel his smile just beyond it, my heart races and .

“Thank you, hyung.”

I like him.

Joonmyeon/Yixing/Kyungsoo

Joonmyeon felt relieved, happy and contented, though the stinging pain in his cheeks hurts; Joonmyeon claims that his heart hurts more despite the disturbing feeling of being relieved and happy. Yixing finally woke up, after a week and four days. The older was overjoyed and close to tears when he saw the younger’s fingers moved a bit and slowly the younger regained consciousness.

Flashback

“I want you to take care of him, Joonmyeon,” Zhu Yix commands, calling Suho is birth name that caused the younger to flinch a bit.

“Yes, sir,” Suho replies a bit solemnly before hanging up the call. It’s as expected that the news had gotten to Zhu Yix due to Daehyun’s participation. Suho heard all Zhu Yix’s worry, lectures and rant and he could only keep his silence and spoke when he received the order. It was heart-wrenching, for his heart was dealt with guilt already and this has to be added to it.

Closing his eyes for a moment to regain his composure, Suho opens his eyes and turns to Yixing, who was still sleeping in his cold bed. Approaching the bed, he takes a moment to admire the beauty of the younger, smiling as he does so.

“I’m sorry, Yixing,” Suho apologizes once again with sorrowful voice. Lifting his hand, he ghosts over the delicate boy’s features, afraid to touch it with his bare hands. Clenching his hand, Suho reluctantly pulls his hand away, sorrowful and guilty. Just as he was to turn away, in the corner of his eyes, he saw Yixing’s fingers move.

Turning his head to the hand, he tries to tell himself that this is true and not merely a hallucination and this was proven when the younger’s fingers moved and Suho was enlightened by the fact. Shifting his attention back to the younger’s face, Suho watches Yixing’s eyes slowly flutter open, so ethereal and rare.

Suho couldn’t help but put up a wide smile, excited like a kid who is happy to see his father come back home from work. Yixing slowly opened his eyes, wandering and lost before shifting his gaze to Suho, who frantically sputtered his worried and cracked words.

“Yi-Yixing! You’re finally awake!”

Yixing merely stared at him for awhile and Suho felt his stomach churn for a bit, feeling the atmosphere around him turns a bit cold, but Suho dismissed it, thinking it was just at AC. The younger stares at him for another moment, before slowly sitting up on his own, unusually slow and sluggish, but Suho dismissed it as an after effect of being asleep for more than a week.

When Yixing got into his sitting position, blank face and eyes somehow filled with nothing, Suho should have expected it. He knew he should have it coming, but he didn’t. Because he thought of Yixing lowly, forgetting that he was human also, just like him.

“Yixing, you don’t have a-“ Yixing raises his hand slowly, a blur of Suho saw, but only the younger’s face as he rants, “-ny idea how much-“ And he was cut off.

SLAP!

End of Flashback

The sting on his face hurts equally as his heart, but his heart shattered more when he felt the pain settled down on him. Shock registered on his face and turns slowly to the frail boy, who has a blank look first before it contorted into a painful and angered look and Yixing’s eyes were filled with anguish and sorrow.

“你为什么在这里？ (Nǐ wèishéme zài zhèlǐ?) (Why are you here?)” Yixing mouths with sorrow.

Suho looked at him with a confused gaze yet remained with a tensed face causing Yixing to grit out the soundless words.

“我不需要你来这里. (Wǒ bù xūyào nǐ lái zhèlǐ.) (I don't need you here.)” Warmth was lost to Yixing, and so was his hope and happiness. The only thing he has was his shattered heart, tending it with care and pity while pain is heavily marked upon his core.

“不要出现在这里了. (Bùyào chūxiàn zài zhèlǐle.) (Don't appear here anymore.)” Yixing seems so utterly calm, yet the heavy pain in his words were incomparable to it. Suho’s eyes widened a bit and Yixing grits his teeth before letting out the words that he couldn’t imagine saying to anyone—even to his wicked mother.

“我恨你. (Wǒ hèn nǐ.) ( I hate you.)”

“Yixing,” Suho calls out, tensed and panicky. His heart pounded in pain and it was the most disastrous thing that he could hear from Yixing. He wants to know why. Why Yixing is like this and why he hates him. Because why?

Yixing fought back the tears that pooled on his eyes, ready to flow to cry his heart out. He closes his eyes and softly mouths the words,“脱身. (Tuōshēn.)  (Get out.)”

Suho was about to protests, but when Yixing opened his eyes and gave him that helpless, pathetic, sorrowful, and broken look, Suho slowly closed his mouth, and lips pursed into a thin line before nodding reluctantly and left the room.

When he arrived in his office and shuts the door, Suho slides down abruptly to the cold tiles, so utterly cold and lonely. He didn’t know that Yixing’s words were painful, so heartlessly painful to his heart and self. Suho wishes he couldn’t understand Mandarin, but he does. Because of Ji, he understood the language of her former lover and because of it; he understood Yixing’s words were. So perfectly.

The younger doesn’t want him. He doesn’t need him. Yixing hates him.

Suho could feel his world crashing down on him, because this is wrong, so wrong. He knew he should have expected it, but he didn’t imagine it would be this worst. Suho realized that this as his fault. His fault for leaving Yixing’s side and because of that, the Zhangs were able to come in and harass him—especially Li Mei. He could have ditched the director and stayed by Yixing’s side, because the younger is more important than anyone else.

Suho scolded himself for being stupid, rash and for not thinking of what may occur to the younger. He really deserves this, especially from Yixing. He deserved to disappear from Yixing’s life. He shouldn’t have hurt the younger. He shouldn’t have let his feelings for the patient to be in so deep, because now it terribly hurts. Way beyond that he could imagine—probably the worst than the death of Ji.

Tears left his eyes one by one, a pearl dimmed from its natural beauty and glint. It was replaced by the howl of loneliness of the ocean. So terribly cold and lonely. He was no longer worthy to be called a nurse also, after self-claiming of that he is no longer worthy to be a doctor, Suho deemed himself also of not being worthy to be a nurse, because he is not worthy of it. He lost the friendship. The happiness and the trust.

 He lost his patient.

He lost his title as a guardian.

~

Yixing felt heavy, lightheaded and worst. He felt his head shoot up with an enormous pain after Suho had shut the door, his tears finally spilling out while he screams in anguish and sorrow silently. It hurts. Everything hurts and he wonders why.

Ah, right, it was all because he was born.

That’s right.

It’s because of himself which is why he is hurting. If it weren’t for himself, he shouldn’t have been hurting like this at all. Funny, though, he hurt someone again. Someone so precious and rare and he hurt him pretty badly, but Yixing thinks it is for the best because Suho wouldn’t feel the sorrow and hardship with him anymore if he stayed together with him.

“You don’t belong here, Yixing. You weren’t supposed to live. Without those medicines and equipments, you are nothing.”

Li Mei’s words rang on his ears several times, choking him till he gasps for air. He breathes in and out softly, shaken and tired. Looking at his pale hands, Yixing closed his eyes and tends to his heart, picking up the shattered pieces on the floor and tries to place it back.

Glazed with undefined emotion, Yixing picks up footsteps coming from not afar, but paid no heed to it for he couldn’t recognize who it was.  When the door of his room opened, Yixing opened his eyes and looked at who came. Recognizing the man, Yixing made no attempt to smile however, while the surgeon approaches him with a blank look.

“You’re awake,” Daehyun says flatly, no particular emotion lingering on his voice. Yixing merely stared at him, meeting with the cold gaze of the older male in front of him and wondering a bit why he is here to begin with.

“I bet everything has come to light, hasn’t it, Zhu Yixing? Your mother, father and your past. How did it feel, if I may ask?” Daehyun was playing with fire and he knows it. Taking for granted the situation, Daehyun muses himself with playing with the emotions of the younger, simply to entertain himself a bit and to fix up the problem that he was assigned to.

Daehyun wasn’t expecting any answers, but when he saw a tear slipped out from the younger’s eye; he knew how much it had an impact to the younger, breaking him fully in the process. Drawing out a sigh, Yixing saw a flicker of worry and sympathy in the surgeon’s eyes before it settled into a warm gaze, making him clench his fists and want to break down.

“I see. Your father wants to tell you to hold on. And that you need to trust Suho and hold onto him no matter what it takes. That Suho is only the way for your heart to heal and the way where you’ll find your rest and peace. Even though everything may be a mess, Suho will be only your haven. Zhu Yix promises you that you’ll never regret loving Suho,” Daehyun repeated Zhu Yix’s words, smiling after he finishes when he saw Yixing relaxed a bit, and a sense of recognition flashing before his eyes.

Daehyun didn’t spare him another glance and takes his leave after he delivered those words. It is not his place to barge in another life and he wasn’t in the position to comfort the younger either. He was merely a messenger that needs to patch up the broken ways.

Yixing’s POV

I feel exhausted. Everything feels so surreal that I don’t know anymore. Everything is so twisted that I want to die and see the reality again.

After Dr. Daehyun’s visit, I resigned to sleeping again, because it became a habit to me to sleep to wash away the pain and because it is the only way. Not too soon, an hour maybe, I was roused with some soft footsteps along the corridor, so soft and cautious. Who? I recognize it, twice back then when I still haven’t a private doctor, probably it is someone who just walked along, but these footsteps are different than others. Taking a sit, my shoulders are slouched in utter depression and my state seems to be lagging, declining very fast. Perfect.

The door opened slowly, a short, doe-eyed, petite man comes in, a hesitant look on his face. I stared at him, my eyes never leaving the figure, wondering who this is and why he is here. He approaches with cautious steps, familiar and ringing in my ears. The more I stared at him, the more I realized who this is. No, it can’t be-

“Lay? Um, yes, I’m Kyungsoo,” he stutters out with hoarse voice and I almost cringe.

Kyungsoo. How lovely to meet Suho’s ex-lover. I feel honoured though, yet I feel the pain in my shattered heart again. Stupid heart. He was the same; just like the several photos that Suho had shown me back then. It was the same, all of it and Kyungsoo is still breathtakingly beautiful. I feel my lips curves into a painful smile, wanting to acknowledge the male in front of me, because it would be rude if I wouldn’t acknowledge him.

He stares at me, right to my eyes as if he is reading my soul, just like they say the eyes are the window to your soul. How amusing. I wonder what he’ll find? I felt my hand clench a bit before it loosens up into complete relaxation, my mind hazy and blank, blinking away the remaining tears that I haven’t realized which must have appeared during I was asleep.

The next few moments were staring at each other, sharing a silent communication and the next thing happened was he was closing me into an embrace. I felt my breath hitched, my body tensing into an enormous fear and anxiety and I felt the need to push him away, because it’s all too frightening and I’m scared. I haven’t felt this a long time, after which I have accepted Suho and was okay with him making contact with me and no one else except Yi Fan.

I almost screamed while my eyes darted around the room in fear and panic, but Kyungsoo’s voice soothes me out in a tuneful hum, calming down and letting my body relax in his lullaby. His voice was soothing, though a bit hoarse, I felt peace while hearing his voice, as if like I’m able to lay down all my problems aside and have this heaven for a moment.

Soon, he pulled away and smiles tenderly at me and I almost wanted to break down, but I held it up, not wanting to look weak. Kyungsoo looked at me in the eyes and took my hand, tensing a bit before resting in his hold in which he smiled a bit.

“Let’s take a walk, shall we?”

~

Kyungsoo told me his story, his version of stories after Suho told me his; about his past. It was a bit different, but nevertheless the same, fitting it perfectly just like a puzzle piece and I’ve always wanted to wear a bitter and painful smile, but I listened throughout like a curious child. He also told me about how he got his voice back, how he missed the sound of his voice and it was all achieved because of the kid named Jongin.  The way he talked about Jongin was amusing, I must say. He described and talked about the kid like he was having fun and was truly happy and I came to a conclusion where I feel triumphed of knowing it.

“You like Jongin, don’t you?” I mouthed to him with a wide grin on my face once we settled on the canteen and after he had gotten us food. His face expressed into a complete shock, blush spreading across his creamy-white cheeks and I knew I hit a jackpot.

“W-what?”

“You like him, don’t you? The kid that helped you.” It was still a theory, but when Kyungsoo didn’t make any response, I smirked and knew I was right. Oh, sweet love. I hope the younger feels the same, though. Taking the bowl of bacon macaroni, I devoured it with delight, finally eating properly after a week and a few days of slumber. It was refreshing to eat something that is finally real. While eating, I gazed at the frozen male in front of me and patiently waited for any reaction at all. And when he did, I merely raised an eyebrow.

“I-no, it’s not that. I just grew fond of him throughout the days that we spent our time together and besides, Jongin has a boyfriend and the fact that I knew his boyfriend is something which I cannot interfere,” Kyungsoo excused and I rolled my eyes.

“Just admit it. You like him and no matter what the circumstances are, you like him and that’s the fact.”

He lowered his head and sighed afterwards, making me automatically smile which meant that I won. Finishing up my food, I watched him eat his share, slow, yet fairly taking his time as if he wants to talk about something.

“Lay.”

And I was right. I feel my stomach churn a bit. This is bad. What is this?

“About Suho…”

The bowl hit the tray, creating a loud sound that caught me startled and some others who are at the cafeteria. It was by instinct that I felt repelled and choked by that name and tenderly, Kyungsoo reached out for my hand, squeezing it to give a bit comfort to me where I relaxed a bit.

“Lay, I have something to tell you.”

I took a deep breath and prepared for what is to come.

~

What hurts me? Is it the past or my parents? Who am I and what am I?

And I realized that I have the answers all along. I have wronged Suho. I take it back. All of it. I shouldn’t have said that to him. I never truly hated him. No, I couldn’t. He was after all, my life, my whole being and is my air and blood. He was all of who I am and he will always be the person who I will love, no matter what.

He is my life.

He is my air.

My blood.

My friend.

My doctor.

My guardian.

 

“Meet me at the garden, Suho.”

Jongin’s POV

“Jongin?”

“Yeah?”

“If someday, I would turn my back on you…will you hate me?”

I opened my eyes, staring at the white ceiling with something inside me breaking into pieces. The feeling of hopelessness and the claws of betrayal tearing out slowly my sanity and my heart. It feels so hard to swallow, so hard to breathe, so hard to see, and so hard to see anymore.

Taemin’s gone.

Again.

I found a note in the night stand, telling me that he’ll be busy again, but he’ll try to come home. That he’ll text me, call me and whisper to me his love for me, forever and ever.

Bull.

That’s not true. And it’s not even going to happen at all. Why? Because he’d done it for the first time and he could do it again in the second time. Not calling, not even bothering texting on how I am and what he’s up to. Just like that.

I sat up, feeling the alcohol winds up at my head, making me dizzy and in pain. Having a hangover is the worst part of it all, but that’s okay, at least I could wash away the pain  in my heart, the betrayal that is soon to come.

“Do you love me?”

“Yes. I love you Jongin. Always.”

Lies. Lies. Lies.

I laugh, louder than I think it is from my usual laugh, but I don’t care about it anymore. The sun is setting soon and I’m losing it slowly, the one that I love with all my heart, fading away too soon.

I cried. Cried once again in this pitiful house, so scared and pathetic. It hurts. Everything hurts. He’s gone again, in a moment he’s her and he disappears in a blink, leaving pain as a mark. How could he do this again? After I saved our relationship because I’m pathetically in love with him, after up all the pain and the cries, he did it again.

Just why? Why does he want to leave me again? Why does he want to inflict pain in me every time he comes barging in my life after I’m so close to erasing him in my life, then leaves again? Just why? Why can’t he understand my heart? Why can’t he see me? Why can’t he see our memories, our laughter and cries, why can’t he see it?

After I was so close to erasing him, just as I was about to move on, thinking that I could live another life without him in my world; I was wrong. I thought he would be crying, crying over the loss that he’ll never get back forever, crying the fact that he lost something precious that he’ll only get once in his life, but I was wrong. Instead of him, it’s me. I was the one who’s crying, crying that I’m going to lose him soon, crying for the fear of losing him forever. Why? Because I love him. And it’s all because of that.

“Don’t go,” I whispered brokenly, my throat itching in pain and hoarseness. I just can’t let him go. Not like this. Unless something happened that I deem worthy enough to let him go, then that’ll be time I’ll let him go, because I know I can’t fight the battle, that I lost a long time ago. Because winning his heart means that you’re worthy of him and his heart; everything.

But until then, let me just hold onto him, just for a few moments. Just let me.

I can’t lose him yet. Not now.

Sehun’s POV

Who knew that love is so complicated? That it could cause you unimaginable pain and could destroy your heart and sanity? Who knew?

No one.

I guess that’s how life works. We live through each day, breathing and walking, seeking of the things we need to do. The time passes without a whim of care, and yet we are so caught up with it, panicking on losing time and everything, because we grew attached to it too much that we can’t let it go anymore in the end. Yet we are the losers because we lost too much and regret of not letting it go early comes pounding us to realize our mistakes, which we could have something better, something more than we could imagine having. We’re just too blind in love. Blind to even realize that everything precious around us is slowly fading away beyond our thought and grasp, so easily and without a goodbye.

I realized it now when I saw Jongin lying on the cold floor of the living room, pale and almost-looking dead. Running towards him, I cradled his head in my lap and tried to wake him up, but to no avail. Cursing under my breath, I picked him up and carried him to his room.  Nursing him, I sighed in relief when I checked his pulse, weak, but still alive and that is all that matters. After tucking him warmly with his blanket, sat by his side, watching how he grew thin and looking more distraught than ever. He was never happy, I know. I know that from the bottom of his heart, he was never happy with Taemin.

Jongin’s a coward, a coward to blind himself in love. But it’s human’s nature to carelessly delude yourself in forged happiness when you could have someone better. He’s much of a coward, just like his mother told us when we were young. That Jongin couldn’t handle something or someone lose in his grasp. That he’s afraid and a coward to accept the fact in which putting his trust and heart for someone so easily and can’t let go was too easy to break.

I always thought that Jongin was prone to pain and I was right. He’s suffering now. Those years of happiness couldn’t even match up the pain he’s feeling now. Because betrayal is the far worst thing you could do for someone who loved you so much with the bottom of his heart.

Brushing away his fringe and tucking in the loose hair behind his ear, I ghost over my finger through his face to his heart, clenching it and throwing away nothing. I tried to take away his pain, his suffering and grief. To save him from his misery and from drowning in depression.

Patting Jongin’s shoulder, I stood up and gave him one look before I left him. I just came in to check up on him, because Kyungsoo wanted to know how he is and also for my will to know how he is doing also. Clenching my fists on the paper that I found in the night stand, I burned the paper in the kitchen before dumping it in the trash bin. A waste.

I didn’t take my leave yet; instead I cleaned the house for awhile before I took my leave. Kyungsoo hyung wouldn’t like what I would tell him. Should I lie?

~

I realized that I’m not thinking much of Luhan anymore like the past few years that I have done. It’s not that I don’t care about it anymore. I care, yet everything seems too heavy for me to carry. Kyungsoo had told me to take care of myself more and that I should trust that he’ll be back and live my life. It brought me to a conclusion that I’m also losing it, that I’m also blind because I can’t let go of Luhan. I just can’t let him go, not at all, not even a heart of moment.

Luhan made me live, made me realize what it is have a life and what to do with it. He gave me smiles, happiness and warmth, throwing me into dungeons of the worst and of the best and pulled me into his ways. He brought me to his world. And the world without his master couldn’t function in which I’m here. To take care of his world that he left behind and when he comes back, we could live again just like last time.

I’m too blind to realize my own mistakes.

Too blinded in love.

“I’m sorry!” the person I bumped into apologized and I just nodded as I readjusted the cap in my head, my tied hair barely making contact with the cap that is halfway covering my face. I nodded my head, whispering ‘it’s okay’ before heading off. Just about an earshot, I heard the person’s name when someone called him.

“Yes, this is Kim Himchan speaking. Who might you be?”

The name rings, but not enough. But only it did ring a bell when I got to the flower shop that I realized that it was one of Luhan’s best friend and long distance cousin.

I’m close, aren’t I?

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So, I'm back! After a long time, I finally updated!

So what happened here? Tell me what you have summarized so far :)

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