This is just a little author's note in the beginning. While writing the part of Donghae's past, I was listening to BEAST's "Fiction" (!Orchestra version) And it inspired me well, so if you wish to add some 'soundtrack' to this part of the chapter, I think this song would fit :)

   Hyukjae was nervous. He felt like a 16-year-old going to his first date ever. But he wasn't 16. And it wouldn't be a date. However, he prepared for the visit at Donghae's like it would. He decided to wear his best clothes, but remembered not to look too fancy. Because it WOULDN'T be a date.

   He put on his green v-neck t-shirt and a nice jacket in a darker shade of green, his favourite black jeans and he styled his red hair neatly so that the bangs covered his left eye. He checked himself out in front of the mirror and grinned with content.

   As he approached the gate, he could literally feel his heart in his throat. It opened with a creek, and in a second Hyukjae found himself facing the door. He knocked and waited. And waited. He knocked again, feeling anxious. Has something happened? Didn't Donghae hear his knocking? He pressed the doorbell. And one more time. Still, nothing.

   Hyukjae sat down by the doormat and checked the time.  2:12. Normally he would just call the person, but now... What was the point of sending a message? He groaned in disappointment. Maybe Donghae was inside, but changed his mind and decided not to meet Hyukjae ever again? And maybe something happened to him? Fainted? Slipped on the wet bathroom tiles, fell, hit his head and was now lying unconscious, bleeding himself to death? Hyukjae shook his head, not wanting the darkest thoughts to occupy his mind any more.

   As he looked up, he saw Doghae entering the yard through the gate. A flush of warm, comforting relief spread through his whole body. He smiled at the boy widely, getting up. Donghae was holding two bags filled with all kinds of food, mostly vegetables. When Hyukjae greeted him with loud and enthusiastic "Hello!", he returned the smile.

   "Let me help you" said Hyukjae, reaching both his hands out. Donghae agreed gladly, passed the bags and started rummaging through his pockets. After a few seconds pulled out the keys. Before opening the door, he gave Hyukjae an apologetic look.
"You don't have to be sorry," he said, guessing the younger's thoughts. "I didn't wait long", he assured. He felt flattered, seeing that Donghae wanted to prepare some food during his visit. Or at least hoped that Donghae had made the shopping with this intention.

    Finally they went inside and once again Hyukjae followed Donghae to the kitchen. His prediction turned out to be correct. Donghae turned and signed something which Hyukjae understood as 'would you like something to eat?'
"You want us to have a meal together?" Hyukjae asked, wanting to be sure he understood.
Donghae nodded.
"Sure, why not? Do you need some help preparing it? My friends tell me that I am quite good at cooking, to be honest. You should try my seaweed soup! Every time some any of my friends has a birthday, they ask me to cook it! When is yours?"
He looked at Donghae, who shook his head in amusement. The boy put one finger on his own mouth, signalizing for Hyukjae to be quiet.

   "I know, I am a real chatterbox. I feel like words are my friends, but sometimes I definitely talk too much. This is why I wanted to rap so badly. It makes me feel like a fish in the sea. Once I start talking... Not many people are able to stop me. Well, I guess it started again, see? Bla, bla bla..." he laughed, seeing Donghae's eyes widening in disbelief, wide beautiful smile spreading on his face. "Told you," he giggled. "I guess this is the first time meeting someone like me, judging by your reactions."
Donghae cut Hyukjae off with a wave of his hand, putting a pile of carrots and a leek on the table in front of him and handing him a knife.
"Yes, chef, I think I know what to do" Hyukjae said, saluting.
Donghae rolled his eyes and started preparing the meat. Hyukjae thought that it was the most beautiful thing in the world, Donghae rolling his eyes. As he chopped the vegetables, he nearly cut himself three times, because this image kept reappearing in front of his eyes, again and again.

~*~*~

   After the silent meal, which turned out really tasty, Donghae took him upstairs. There were 2 rooms, a bathroom and a wide hallway turned into some kind of mini-living room. Donghae gestured, inviting Hyukjae to seat in one of big, leather and extremely comfortable-looking armchairs. He himself went into one of the rooms and came back after a second, holding a few sheets of paper. He passed them to Hyukjae and sat in the other armchair, staring at Hyukjae. He pointed to the paper. 'Read.', his eyes spoke for him. Hyukjae started reading.

   Once again, I would like to apologize for my reaction yesterday. You don't hear that someone likes you everyday. Especially me, the mute guy. No one told me that since... But later about that. I just want you to know that I don't mind you being gay. I used to have male friends who liked other guys. I was just totally bewildered and somewhere in my mind appeared a horror scene in which you suddenly jump at me and male me do things I don't want to. But you aren't one of this kind, are you?

   I won't tell you the story of my whole life, it would be too boring. But you probably want to know why I can hear, but not speak. Most often people are born deaf and therefore don't speak at all, or they lose their ability to hear and the muteness is one of the consequencences. I am one of these rare cases in which the cause of muteness isn't quite common.

   It all started only five years ago. I was 19, popular, people liked me. I enjoyed talking almost as much as you do. I wanted to be a journalist, or, as you already know, a radio DJ. When I started my university, people told me I had been talented. Everything was going great, but then my father died. He suddenly fell ill and I didn't have time to prepare for this at all. Is it even possible? I loved him so much that after he had passed away, I felt into depression. I wouldn't go out at all, I became all grumpy and miserable. No one could make me feel better. I didn't even want anyone to comfort me. But then I met her.

   Her name was Jessica. She came from the USA, her Korean was terrible, and she wanted to improve. I agreed to tutor her, although reluctantly. What surprised me, she was the only person who didn't try hard to cheer me up. But she did, anyway. She knew what state I was in, she saw me sobbibg quietly in my room before our meetings, but it didn't discourage her in any way. She became my permanent guest, she visited me often and stayed after finished lessons. She made me smile, she saved me from my depression. Then I noticed she was prettier than any girl I han known before. In the end, I fell in love with her and we started dating. It was like oblivion, like heaven, the time spent with her. We became inseparable. We started planning our wedding, despite our young age. I was happy like never before.

   But then it all crashed in one moment.

   She was attending modern dance classes, we both loved music. One day I came to pick her up. I parked my car by the dance school and waited. She knew I was going to be there, so after her class she run straight to me. But she seemed to have forgotten that there was a very busy street between us. I didn't manage to warn her in time. I watched a truck hit her mercilessly. I watched as her tiny body was thrown away by the force of impact. I watched her bleed as I ran to her, blind to the surroundings. I watched her die in my arms. Her name was the last thing I said.

   I couldn't stand the pain in my heart. It was as though a hole was burnt in my body. It hurt literally, physically. Also, wounds in my soul that were healed by her after my dad's death opened again and I didn't... I didn't see the point of living anymore. After 'saying goodbye' to two people I had loved the most, I felt silent and never spoke again. My mind turned off the option that allowed me to communicate with the world, because this world didn't deserve to have me as a part of it after it had made me suffer so much. I hated this world and I didn't want it to hear my voice. These are harsh words, but this is also the truth.

   I had to quit my studies. There was no point of dreaming about journalist career any more.

   My mum lives in our hometown, but we don't really stay in touch. We write letters to each other, but they're becoming more and more lacking of true feelings. They consist of dry, meaningles words.

   This is it. The end of my story. It has been almost four years since Jessica's death. The pain lessened, but I don't want to forget. It is much easier now, though. If you have andy doubts, believe me, time really is a healer. Still, I smile, but I don't laugh. I enjoy myself, but I'm never excited. Luckily, I have Siwon, who is my good friend and he showed me that there is still hope to be a little happier. He convinced me to learn sign language so I could exist, communicate. I obeyed him, but I still don't like to react to the world. You saw it in the supermarket. People scare me, but you are a little different. Your babbling makes me forget about my own disability at least for a moment. Psychologists and neurologists keep telling me that there is a chance of me speaking again one day, but I don't believe them.

   I thought that telling you this would make me feel even better and I was right. Perhaps the time to open up has come now, together with you.

   Hyukjae torn his gaze away from the words written by Donghae. He had tears in his eyes. "Donghae..." he whispered "I am so sorry..."

   Donghae shook his head and smiled, showing that it was OK, that he didn't suffer so much anymore. Hyukjae stood and without much thought, hugged the younger. He felt Donghae's body stiffen a little before accepting the hug. "Thank you for telling me this." he said in a small voice. "Thank you for your trust." He got a nod in responce.

"Now I will not let you down."

A/n: Whoa, this was challenging. You know, there are loads of HaeSica fics. I have never read one because I prefer , but when I imagined Donghae's past, she just popped out and I decided to make their relatioship really happy and I must admit I felt terrible to end it in such a cruel way ;(
 

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