December 12

I can’t believe I’m holding this again. I can’t believe I can feel the familiar paper against my skin one more time. I thought I had lost this little book forever.

But I guess you can never lose something forever. It feels weird writing again. It’s been only two weeks since I last wrote something but it seems so unfamiliar right now. Maybe because so much has changed since the last time I wrote. Maybe because so much have changed in my life since that night.

I can’t sleep well. Whenever I close my eyes all I see is her. I see her eyes begging me for help, I see my hands covered in her blood, I see her lifeless body being left behind in the shadows.

I don’t want to think of that night but the nightmares still hunt me. I wish I could forget. I wish I could keep her in my memory the same way she was when I first met her. Happy and alive and breathing. I wish I could see again her bright smile and kind eyes but even remembering is becoming difficult lately. My own guilt won’t let me forget that I killed her. I am the reason she is dead.

The nights are the worst. When I am alone with no one for company but the darkness and the silence. At least in the morning I keep myself busy helping around. Taeyeon said I could be useful by helping Jessica out. I’m still not sure what kind of job that is. All I do is follow her around and make sure she has everything she needs. I am no different than a servant.

Jessica is trying to be understanding. She is always trying to keep me busy so I will stop thinking about Hyoyeon hoping I will stop blaming myself. But there is so much she can do. Kyuhyun is right. The revolution cannot be stopped. They are already planning to invade the House of Parliament. I don’t know exactly when but they are rushing now.

Ever since Tiffany arrived here everyone has been working twice as hard. Jessica keeps meeting with Taeyeon and her men to revise their plan again and again.

Tiffany and I have spent a lot of time together since she arrived. Jessica immediately told me to keep an eye on her and help her as much as I can. I can see that they are good friends and Jessica cares for her.

Tiffany doesn’t talk much. She doesn’t talk at all actually. When she first came here she extended her trembling hands to Jessica and gave her my diary. “For Sunny,” she said and that was the last words that came out of .

Tiffany is a shadow of herself. I don’t know what they did to her but it must have been horrible. She doesn’t look anyone in the eyes anymore. She is afraid of even being touched by someone else. She spends most of her time sitting in a corner in the room Taeyeon gave her and she stares at the walls.

There is no sign on violence in her body. There are no bruises and there are no scratches. But there are some wounds that the eye can’t see. I don’t know what happened to her. But I know that it must have been awful. So awful that drove her almost insane.

Sometimes I see myself in Tiffany. I see the same desperation in her eyes that I see in mine when I look in the mirror. I see the same fear.

I like being with Tiffany. It’s weird. It doesn’t make me feel any better. The exact opposite actually. Sitting with Tiffany in silence feels like sinking in a sea of sorrow and regrets. But a part of me thinks I deserve this. A part of me thinks it’s only right I suffer now because I couldn’t help Hyoyeon. And that part of me keeps reminding me that no matter what I’m not suffering enough. That part of me won’t be satisfied until I have become like Tiffany. An empty shell, a soulless body. But I deserve that right?

Being closed up in here sometimes feels like being in a prison. Sometimes I just want to run away and forget about everything. Looking at the empty white walls around me drives me crazy.

If I could feel anything when I first arrived here then I guess it would be surprise. Taeyeon is a very smart woman. I’ll give her that. She found an abandoned underground shelter that was probably used during the Great War and she had her men expand it. It’s huge. It might be as big as a small village. It must have taken years to complete it.

From the few things I hear from the people who live here – and there are dozens of them – the revolution isn’t anything new. Apparently the plan started with Taeyeon’s father but he was discovered and executed, leaving his supporters and his daughter to continue his legacy.

I don’t see Taeyeon much. I guess now that I have nothing to offer to her she doesn’t have any reason to pay attention to me. But I am still thankful to her for sheltering me. Whether she did it for Jessica or because she felt she owed me after all the information I intercepted for her I don’t know. But I still feel grateful that she accepted me without questions that night.

That night that still haunts me. I would give up anything to be able to forget. I would do anything to be able to forget about everything.

Or at least that’s what I thought until today. That’s what I thought until I read his letter. How can there be someone with so much power over me? How is it possible that the only thing I need is a word from him and my heart starts bleeding until I am by his side again?

Even as I am writing these words all I can think about is how to get away from this place and run to him.  I know that it’s dangerous and I know I shouldn’t trust him, but I can’t help it. Maybe it’s just my own wishful thinking but I want to believe in him. I want to believe in what he is saying and what he is promising me.

With everything going on right now, I am drowning in a dark ocean with no chance of escaping. His letter is like a little ray of hope. He is my safe harbor, his side is the only place I feel safe.

Maybe I am too selfish. I’ve been here for less than a month and I already want to leave. These people have taken good care of me and they have given me a shelter when I most needed it. And I’m already ready to throw all these away and betray them with just one word from him.

Taeyeon has been giving me weird looks since yesterday. I don’t blame her. It’s weird that Tiffany had my diary with her. Of course she hasn’t asked to see it but even if she did I have already hidden Kyuhyun’s letter so she won’t see it.

But she did try to get information out of me. It was a couple of hours ago. I left Tiffany’s side for the first time since she arrived to get her something to eat. I met Taeyeon by chance – or at least I think it was by chance – on my way back.

She looked me up and down like she had done the first time we had met.

“How’s she doing?” she asked me.

I assumed she was talking about Tiffany. After all she was part of her army and from what I hear a very important part of it.

“The same. She doesn’t talk. I just hope she will eat something.”

Taeyeon nodded but I could tell from the look in her eyes that she was thinking about something completely different.

Back then I thought she was just under a lot of stress and pressure because of the revolution she was planning. I was under the impression that she must be feeling quite horrified, knowing that inevitably many people will lose their life following her, or fighting her.

“That book she gave you,” she started surprising me, “where did Tiffany get it?”

“I don’t know, she won’t tell me,” I told her trying to hide the fear in my voice.

“Is that so?” She turned her eyes away from me, pursing her lips together until they formed a thin line. Taeyeon is a stong-minded woman. And while my experience with her is limited I had expected her to be more straightforward with me. She never hesitated before to say what was in her mind, not even when she had no idea whether or not she could trust me. So why didn’t she say exactly what she wanted at that moment?

“That little book was your diary, right?” she asked me once again, her eyes stuck on an invisible stain on the wall.

“Yes,” I answered unsurely. Did I really want to continue with that conversation? “Like I said, I don’t know where she got it.” Truthfully if I could I would have avoided meeting Taeyeon at any cost.

“Yes, of course,” she muttered and then, as if she had just remembered I was standing there, she turned to me with a huge smile on her face. “Well keep me posted with her situation, ok?”

I nodded my head frantically and watched her walk away quickly.

I returned to Tiffany as fast as I could. Not only because I was worried about her being alone but also because I didn’t want to give Taeyeon another chance to interrogate me… If you could call that an interrogation.

Well whatever that was it surely didn’t make me feel comfortable.

Or maybe I’m just imagining things because I’m feeling guilty because I am about to betray her.  

I still have two days to figure out how to leave this place.

December 13

I’m pretty sure Jessica knows something is going on. Even though I’ve spent most of my time with Tiffany since she arrived, the few minutes that I saw Jessica and talked to her she eyed me suspiciously.

Jessica is the only reason I haven’t ran away already. I don’t think I’ll be able to look at her in the eyes again if I left now. Jessica has always been kind with me. She even got out of her way that night to get me. She did it to protect me, even though she could have been killed herself if they had caught her helping me.  I don’t think I can look her in the eye anymore. I owe her so much, my own life, and I am ready to betray her without second thought.

At least I know that her family is safe. They were the only thing in her mind from the beginning and knowing that they are now away from all the danger makes me feel somewhat better. Jessica loves them very much. Maybe she won’t forgive me for leaving but at least I know that she will always have her sister and her parents to turn to for support. Even if I can’t be there for her, I know that she won’t be alone.

December 14

Jessica definitely knows that I’m planning on leaving. And she also knows why.

I don’t know how she figured it out. Maybe Tiffany said something to her while I wasn’t with her, or maybe she knows me better than I think. The important thing is that she knows.

She pulled me aside a few hours ago saying she wanted to talk to me and of course I followed her because I never thought what she was about to tell me.

“You are leaving, aren’t you?” Jessica cut straight to the point, taking me by surprise and not allowing me to think of an excuse.

“You don’t have to lie to me Sunny,” she said coming closer to me with her arms around herself.

For a couple of seconds I was seriously thinking of faking a smile and telling her that she was just imagining things. But Jessica deserves more than that. After all she has done for me she deserves the truth.

“Yeah, I am leaving,” I simply said.

A bitter smile formed in her lips. She opened her arms and hugged me tightly. My mind needed a moment to realize what was happening and order my own arms to hug her back. Her warmth and her scent, things that have become so familiar to me after being friends for so many years brought tears to my eyes.

Just like a child is afraid to leave her mother or a bird is afraid to leave its nest, just like that I was afraid to leave Jessica.

In the turbulent storm that is my life the past few months, she has always been the one stable point. Jessica represents a big part of my life, my whole life before Kyuhyun. I trust her so much that I would give my own life for her.

But I know that staying with her would just mean that I am afraid. I am afraid of the change that will inevitably come.

So while I have the choice to stay, for me the only possible choice is to leave. To go and find Kyuhyun and face whatever is to come with him. To finally put myself out there, in the front lines of the war and not hide behind others.

Maybe then I can finally let Hyoyeon rest in peace.

“I never wanted to hurt you,” I told her trying to hold my tears back.

“You are not hurting me by leaving,” she answered and stood a step back to be able to look at my face. “Just make sure you take care of yourself. If anything happens to you… then I will be crushed,” she said. I can see that her lips are trembling but Jessica doesn’t allow me to see any other signs of the emotional turmoil inside her.

She releases me and leans on the wall behind her. I join her without a word.

“Do you love him that much?” she asks and I can hear the pure curiosity in her voice.

Back then I didn’t ask how she knew about Kyuhyun. It doesn’t really matter after all I guess. I just nodded my head and couldn’t help but smile at the thought of him.

She must have seen my smile because she shook her head, making her long hair dance in the air. But she was smiling too.

“I just hope he lives up to your expectations.”

“I know he will,” I answered and even I was surprised at my confidence.

“When are you leaving?”

“I have to leave today if possible.” Either way it’s the last day Kyuhyun will wait for me.

“You remember how to drive right?” she asked me and I nodded my head.

I learnt how to drive when I had just been hired to work for Jessica. Back then she wasn’t a very big name in the politics so I had to drive her around in addition to being her secretary.

“There are many cars in the base,” she told me and took a pair of keys out of her pockets. “Here, that’s the keys to one of them. Just press the button to see which one will unlock. Use it until you reach the nearest village or city and take a bus from there to the capital. It will be harder to track you down like that.”

I couldn’t believe what she was telling me. “You don’t have to do this.” I tried to push the hand she was extending to me away but she put the keys in mine and then grabbed it with both her hands.

“If Taeyeon finds out about this,” I tried to say but she stopped me.

“It doesn’t matter. She has other things to think about right now.”

There are so many things I want to say to her but in the end I just bow my head and thank her.

“You might want to hurry up,” she instructs me with a final hug.

I turned to leave but then I remembered something Kyuhyun had mentioned in his letter. I don’t know why I had to know but I asked her anyway.

“Is it true? That Taeyeon is responsible for all those people disappearing?”

Jessica took a deep breath, probably trying to find the right words.

“You know Sunny, things aren’t as simple as they may seem. There really aren’t any good and bad guys here. Life doesn’t work that way. There are just those that can offer more to the majority of the people than the others. It’s not about who is honest, it’s about who is more capable than the other. And I can tell you that both Taeyeon and Kyuhyun are both very smart and capable people. It’s just that Kyuhyun is restricted by the political system of this country, or rather the way it has turned out to be. Taeyeon has her own weaknesses as well, but at the given moment she doesn’t let them get in their way.”

I wanted to ask her what she meant but the look in her eyes stopped me.

And so I left. And here I am now. In a small city a few kilometers away from the capital. The bus should be here any minute now. Just a couple more hours and I’ll be with him. I’ll be with him no matter what that means for my future.

A.N.

You guys I'm so sorry for the long hiatus. It's just that so many things happened in such a short time and my math professor is an T-T

But anyway now I'm back (hopefully for a long time) and I bring you an update.

This is part 1/2 for todays update. The next chapter (which will also be the final one T-T) will be posted in a few hours (or maybe many hours).

Anyway I would have posted it now but I want to look at it one more time only I was supposed to meet my friends ten minuted ago and I have already stood them up so.... yeah... I guess I'll see you later for the final chapter.