November 25

I was surprised that Kyuhyun never mentioned anything about our kiss the next day. Not that he was pretending that it didn’t happen but he seemed like for him everything between us is crystal clear.

Am I the only one who is still confused? He is married to Seohyun so I guess that makes me… what? His mistress? Kyuhyun never talks about his wife, at least not in front of me. From what I’ve seen Seohyun is happy with her marriage, it’s just Kyuhyun that doesn’t pay any attention to her unless she is standing right in front of him asking his opinion for something.

I feel worse and worse every time I think about Seohyun. My conscience keeps screaming at me that I’m the bad guy in this story, even if Kyuhyun was the one who approached me first. I feel guilty and I thank God every day that I leave the office and Seohyun hasn’t made another one of her surprise visits. I’m not sure if I can look at her in the face anymore, I’m not sure if I can even sit in the same room with her knowing what’s going on behind her back. But I just can’t help it anymore.

Of course nothing can be compared to how I feel around Kyuhyun. Because with just one look of his at my direction my stomach starts fluttering and it feels like all the air has been knocked out of me. Every time he leans closer to steal a kiss or just brushes his fingers against my skin even by accident my skin is tingling and my head feels light.

Kyuhyun doesn’t lose a chance to show his affection and he often makes me feel embarrassed but I admit that I’ve never been happier. I’ve never felt so content, like everything I ever asked for or needed is suddenly given to me. It’s almost like I was stranded in the middle of the desert for weeks without water and suddenly I find myself in front of a waterfall.

Except I can never enjoy the cool water fully. No matter how much I want to be with him there is always this dark shadow over my head, this heavy feeling in my chest. Every time I look into his eyes I think that I am a traitor, that I am an awful person, that I don’t have any right to be so loved.

How can I lie to him so smoothly, so effortlessly? Whenever we are together I’m spying on him, I’m working with Taeyeon against him, and yet I want nothing else but to be with him. I know that Kyuhyun and Prime Minister Cho are two different people, I know that now. The man that is so caring and loving with me is only a part of Cho Kyuhyun just like the man who is governing this nation and has no hesitation to betray even his own wife for his personal gain is another part of him. Is it so wrong that I choose to see the side of him that I love? Why can’t I just turn a blind eye to all his wrong doings?

Why? Because I have experience of what they have brought upon this country. Because I grew up without parents, because I lost my sister, because every time I returned to my room I had to look behind my back nervously to make sure nobody was giving me a strange look for more than sixteen years. Because I’ve seen children betraying their parents and I’ve seen brothers killing each other in a struggle to survive, because we have reached a point where all these are normal.  Because, although he is not the one who started it, he is the one who doesn’t do anything to stop it.

I’m an awful person, I know. Sometimes I’m sitting next to Hyoyeon, who is already sound asleep, and I wish that he could be someone else. I wish the he was different, that our whole lives were different. I wish I didn’t know anything about his mistakes, I wish I could allow myself to open up to him. I just wish I could allow myself to feel alive next to him instead of being forced to drown in an endless sea of guilt and self-doubt.

Love is supposed to make you feel like everything is beautiful, like everything around you, even a leaf of a tree has a much deeper meaning. So how come I can only feel that I’m doing something wrong?

I don’t want Kyuhyun to get hurt but I can’t allow him to destroy the country with his selfishness. How will he react once he finds out that I work with the revolutionary army? That everything he tells me – relevant to politics at least – I transfer it to Sooyoung in a matter of hours?

Sometimes I just want to scream at his face to stop being so sweet and so perfect and so protective with me. I want to tell him what a terrible person I am, how much I love him and hate him at the same time, how much I want to be with him and let myself completely free to feel, to love and be loved.

But I can never do it. I can never say neither the negative nor the positive emotions. I want to cry when he kisses me and makes me feel that I’m his reason for living. I just want to disappear from the face of the earth when he is defending me. Like two days ago with Siwon.

I will never understand how a single man can be so greedy. How is it possible that he has everything he could ask for and yet he wants more? How can he possibly ask for more when hundreds of citizens are killing themselves because of their debts? Debts that were made because all their tax money was splurged by politics like him for almost a century.

He came to Kyuhyun with a new law for more taxes. More taxes… How can anyone possibly pay more taxes when they have barely enough to buy a loaf of bread?

Kyuhyun was reluctant to agree with him. Even he has started to realise that the citizens’ patience is at its limits. No matter how much control he has over this country, no matter how easy it is for him to make a person disappear in a few minutes without questions or evidence left behind, even he can’t go against millions of people.

Already the number of protesters gathering outside the House of Parliament everyday has reached 500.000. That’s almost one fourth of the city’s populations. There are people of all ages, teenagers, parents with their children and even a few elderly people. The scary part is that they are standing a few meters from the entrance, with only the Disciplinary Squad keeping them from barging into the building and killing each and every politician. Kyuhyun is slowly but surely losing control and he knows it.

Many of the congressmen have left the country in the middle of the night. They know that their time is finally over.

Only Siwon doesn’t seem to be faced by all these. He was sitting in Kyuhyun’s office with his usual nonchalant expression announcing him his plans for the new law. Kyuhyun was hesitating to tell him his opinion. However I could easily tell from the look in his eyes that he was disagreeing with him. He tried to explain to Siwon that there was no way he could announce something like that to the public now. Siwon told him that the country was at the verge of bankruptcy, they needed more money. His self-satisfied answer was so disgusting that even Kyuhyun cringed.

“What we need to do right now is to start using public money more efficiently,” Kyuhyun said trying to reason with him.

“That’s a great idea,” Siwon exclaimed. “Let’s start by firing all the useless employees in the public sector. How about your secretary first? She doesn’t do anything else but serve coffee anyway.” He crossed his legs and smirked at Kyuhyun who looked dumbfounded. I do believe that I had the exactly same expression on my face.

Kyuhyun regained his composure quickly though. “Leave her out of this. She is working harder than you anyway,” he hissed.

Siwon peered at my direction over his shoulder and told me to close the door. I looked at Kyuhyun but he nodded his head in agreement so I had no choice but to comply with his demand. Like I had done so many times before, I stood next to the door to overhear their conversation.

“Protecting your mistress?” Siwon asked and I could hear the sneer in his voice.

“I’m protecting an honest and hard-working girl,” Kyuhyun answered. “Maybe I should have protected people like her long ago instead of helping idiots like you.” He was angry but his voice was surprisingly calm and cold.

“Kyuhyun you know that there are bigger benefits at risk here than your girlfriend. How do you even know you can trust her?” Siwon was still talking with his usual cool tone, his words laced with a hint of irony.

“Benefits? Siwon you are out of control!” I heard a banging noise, probably Kyuhyun slammed his fist on the desk. Siwon had been provoking him a lot lately.

“Remember where you came from Kyuhyun. If it wasn’t for our support you would be another one of those desperate mice out there instead of the Prime Minister.” Siwon’s tone was threatening. It sent chills down my spine.

“And if it weren’t for you we wouldn’t have so many problems right now, would we?” Kyuhyun spat back. I admit that I felt a slight tug at my heart that he didn’t care that Siwon was referring to the citizens as mice. Are they really only pests to him? If he hadn’t met me, would I be another pest among the crowd?

“We can destroy you just as easily as we created you.”

By then I could imagine Kyuhyun pinching the bridge of his nose trying to stay calm. “Destroy me?” he asked him bitterly. “Haven’t you already destroyed me? I take all the blame for you and your friends.”

Siwon scoffed. “Don’t act like you are innocent. You gained a lot yourself, didn’t you?” I heard the chair being dragged on the floor indicating that Siwon had stood up. “You are as deep in this as we are. If we are going down, you are coming with us.”

His footsteps echoed closer and closer to the door. I rushed back to my desk and sat there just as he exited the room. He walked past me and left without looking at either me or Kyuhyun again. 

Kyuhyun approached me smiling reassuringly but the only thing I could think about was one sentence. How do you even know you can trust her? Siwon’s words were stuck in my head all day. Even then my feelings were conflicted. On one hand I was again sent in an endless torture of guilt because Kyuhyun was so sure about me while I was stabbing him from the back and on the other hand I was worried whether Siwon knew something about me working with Sooyoung. He had caught going through Kyuhyun’s papers anyway.

Kyuhyun offered to drive me to my house again at the end of the day but I declined telling him that I wanted to visit the library. I wasn’t lying; I really went to the library. Just not for the reasons he thought.

I went straight to Sooyoung’s office, this time the guards let me pass without problem, and briefed her in about what went down between Kyuhyun and Siwon – without mentioning Siwon’s comments about me of course.

I can’t say that I did it light-heartedly. It actually killed me inside that I was betraying Kyuhyun’s trust yet again. The only thing that made me feel better was that Kyuhyun had acted very reasonably.

Sooyoung was content with the information I brought her and she was excited to hear Siwon was pushing the public to its limits.

“That’s good, that’s good. If he keeps going like that we will have a revolution without the revolutionary army’s involvement,” she said and leaned back in her chair lacing her fingers together and resting her elbows on the chair. “You’ve been doing a great job up until now Sunny, Kyuhyun trusts you more than I had thought at first.” She lifted her eyes and eyed me.

I could have sworn that I saw sadness at her eyes but the next second it was gone. She got up and paced around the room like she often did when she was thinking about what I had told her.

“Taeyeon will be very pleased. Things are going better than we had expected, much better,” she muttered under her breath. “But we need to give it a little push, make things go faster.”

Suddenly she came to a halt, her eyes wide open, staring at empty space like she just had an epiphany. She turned to me with a strange glint in her eyes. “Say Sunny, that friend of yours, Hyoyeon, she was also interested in our cause, right?”

I had a strange feeling in my stomach but I answered anyway. “Yes, Taeyeon has met her as well.”

Sooyoung grinned and rubbed her hands together excited. “That’s perfect. Send her here tomorrow; I want to talk to her.”

I had this heavy feeling as I was leaving her office again but I just assumed that it was because I was feeling guilty again.

The elevator reached the ground floor and the door opened only to reveal Siwon standing outside. My breath got caught in my throat and I instinctively took a step back, raising my bag to my chest.

He raised his brows questioningly when he saw me and for a couple of seconds he was at a loss of words just like me. But soon he sneered at me and stepped to the side, extending his hand to show me that I could get out. I hurried out of the elevator with my head low and thanked him with a voice so low that it was close to a whisper.

He stepped in the elevator and pressed the button that would take him to his sister’s office. “It’s nice seeing you again Ms. Lee,” he said as the door closed and the elevator started moving.

For a second I was left looking at the closed doors. Siwon was definitely looking at me like he had figured out what I was doing there. He knows. I don’t know how but he does.

Siwon has caught me red-handed enough times already, this time he was going to tell Kyuhyun, I was sure of it. He was going to tell him about me snooping around in his office and visiting Sooyoung without him knowing.

Does Siwon know that his sister works with Taeyeon? If he does everything is over. Everything will be over before the revolution even begins.

I was tossing and turning in my bed all night long. Hyoyeon couldn’t sleep either but she was excited to meet Sooyoung. I didn’t tell her about my meeting with Siwon, I didn’t want to worry her. I didn’t want her to get any more involved in case Siwon talks with Kyuhyun.

But when I went to the office yesterday Kyuhyun didn’t make any comments about it. So Siwon didn’t tell him again? Just what is he planning?

It feels more and more like I am a pawn in this game; like I am a soldier in the war between the two Choi siblings, between Taeyeon and Kyuhyun.

Hyoyeon came back from meeting Sooyoung more excited than I have ever seen her. She refuses to tell me what they talked about though. “I have to keep it a secret. The less people that know about it, the better,” she told me seriously and then strolled to the kitchen humming to get a glass of water.

I can feel that we are about to witness history being written first-hand. I just don’t know when or whether I will like the outcome.

Taeyeon has disappeared again in the mystery she emerged from, Sooyoung is always speaking nonsense to herself without giving me any useful information and Hyoyeon refuses to talk to me.

Siwon is preparing something and I don’t know what. Just thinking about all the power he has in his hands sends chills down my spine.

Soon. He’ll do something soon.

~ ~ ~

A.N.

So in the end I had to reupload this. I'm sorry it took so long. Is this why I lost a few subscribers? T-T

I'm sorry guys I promise I won't let you down again.

Next chapter will be up soon.