November 20

After my talk with Jessica I knew I had to find Taeyeon and tell her that I was going to join the revolutionary army. I didn’t know what I could do to be useful but I wanted to help no matter what. I want things to change because so many people have been destroyed already; so many children have lost hope before they even learned how to write.

If there is anything I can do so that no one has to lose their brother or sister or friend anymore I will do it. My generation is already scarred by all the fear and the hate, there is nothing more I can hope for but that the next generations will be luckier; that they will learn how to love and care for others and not how to betray them for their own profit.

I want to help now because I couldn’t help Hyomin, because, even though we didn’t like each other, neither Narsha or Nicole deserved to die. I want to help because there are people like Jessica that still give me hope.

But the only way I can help is to support Taeyeon. I don’t know where Taeyeon is, or where the revolutionary army is hiding. The only connection I have with them is Sooyoung. And so I visited her today.

I knew that I would find her in the public library because I’ve already spent so much time in there that I know that she often works all night long there.

I had never been to any other room in the library but the part of it that is open to the public. Sooyoung’s office is on the third floor and I would have never been allowed to get there if I hadn’t told the security that Kyuhyun sent me to deliver some papers.

I paused right outside her door hesitating. My heart was beating fast in my chest and my palms were sweaty. Was I making the right decision? I couldn’t be one hundred per cent sure. But it was the only choice I had.

I raised my hand, which I noticed was trembling uncontrollably, and knocked the door before Sooyoung’s voice asked me to come in.

She was sitting behind her desk going through some books about our law system. She had dark circles under her eyes, the back of her palm kept brushing against her forehead like she was trying to wipe away invisible sweat and she was yawning. She must have had a difficult night.

It never occurred to me before that Sooyoung is working very hard, harder than Kyuhyun and Jessica. I knew that she was spending most of the day in her office but I had never thought what that actually meant.

I felt so humble at that moment. Sooyoung doesn’t have to stay late, she doesn’t have to do anything if she doesn’t want to. Like Siwon prefers spending his day thinking of new ways to steal from the citizens while enjoying his favourite drink in his garden, she could be doing the exact same thing. She is his sister after all. But Sooyoung chose to stay and fight as much as she can for the citizens and even I have to admit that our schools have never worked so efficiently before.

Unlike me, who up until now could only think about my own problems, about my own safety. While I was busy being confused about my feelings for Kyuhyun, she was spending all her time working and helping the revolutionary army.

All these thoughts forced me to look away ashamed when Sooyoung turned her eyes to me. She was happy to see me, probably because she already knew what I had decided. She asked me to sit and offered me coffee but I decided to refuse. I had gone there for a very specific reason and I wanted to be over with it as soon as possible.

My body felt numb while I was explaining to her my decision. My hands were still trembling and in an effort to hide it I folded them over my chest. Sooyoung smiled more and more with every word I spoke. She was very pleased with the turn of events, even if she had already suspected that everything would go as she had planned.

Despite being tired she shot up from her seat excited when I finished talking and started walking up and down her office with the hands behind her back, mattering plans that I could be useful.

In the end she turned to me with a smile and approached me. She sat at the chair in front of me, leaned back and crossed her legs. She explained to me that Taeyeon had wanted somebody to spy on Kyuhyun for a while now but nobody was close enough to him to do it – nobody that she could trust anyway.

She never said I had to do it, she didn’t force me. She reassured me that if I felt that it was too dangerous I could always tell her and she would have something else for me to do. I admit that when she first suggested the plan, my blood froze in my veins. It has been pretty tense between Kyuhyun and me ever since our fight; was it really even a fight? Or just me being crazy and hurting him. If he really cares for me enough so I could hurt him with my words.

However insecure I felt about it, I agreed to do whatever Sooyoung asked me to. I didn’t tell her about my “relationship” with Kyuhyun because I wanted her to trust me but I think she had already figured out that there was something between the two of us.

I had to go to the office right after I left from the library. I knew I wasn’t going to be late but I hurried there anyway. I needed a few minutes alone there to be able to face Kyuhyun after all that have happened the last few days.

I was prepared for him to ignore me, I was prepared to be yelled at, I had even considered getting fired after talking back to him like that. But nothing had prepared me for what was going to happen today. Just thinking about it now makes my heart raise and my head spin like crazy. Hyoyeon, sitting across the room, is eyeing me suspiciously but I could never trust even her with this secret.

Today Kyuhyun came a little later than usual. His appearance reminded me of Sooyoung, like he hadn’t slept well yesterday either. He glanced at me with a hint of sadness in his eyes and greeted me as professional as ever. I was surprised; Kyuhyun had never addressed me formally, even when we first met at Jessica’s office.

Thankfully for him and unfortunately for me, his schedule for today was not very busy; he didn’t have any meetings at all, only an interview around the afternoon. Thankfully for him because he could rest a little bit and unfortunately for me because that meant that I was stuck in the office, which felt surprisingly small all of a sudden, with him for the rest of the day.

The first few hours it was pretty awkward between us. I didn’t know what to tell him and he looked uncomfortable and bitter around me. After that brief look when he first came in he refused to look at me and preferred to stare at my shoes whenever I was around him. As for myself I pretended to be busy, looking through papers even though we both knew that I had really nothing to do.

Things became worse when Seohyun decided to stop by. She came in accompanied by a couple members of the Disciplinary Squad (I was surprised she wasn’t with Yuri or Yoona but glad I would be spared their hostility), looking fresh as the morning breeze and lovely as flowers. Her face was radiating happiness and again I was mesmerized by how elegant she looked even when she did something as simple as brushing her hair behind her ear.

Kyuhyun at first was relieved when he saw her, maybe he thought that if it wasn’t just the two of us the atmosphere wouldn’t be so heavy. Soon he realized that Seohyun’s presence only emphasized the problems between us.

While Seohyun was going on and on about things that I can’t really remember, Kyuhyun and I locked gazes for the first time that day over her shoulder. I’m not sure what we were trying to tell each other. Maybe we were just trying to make the other understand our feelings.

It’s weird how a single person can be so important to your life. It’s funny how everything else fades away when your eyes meet. It’s almost unbelievable how nothing else matters but the two of you, how the room feels empty even if you are in the middle of a crowd. It’s scary how every decision I had made faltered so easily under his stare.

I’m not sure how long we were like that. It could be minutes but it could be hours too. I came back to reality when Seohyun suddenly got up and straightened her dress before laughing about her talking without giving Kyuhyun a chance to say a thing. Kyuhyun turned to her almost reluctantly and told her it was fine, that she kept his mind away from work. I don’t know if he had heard anything from what Seohyun had said, I know I hadn’t.

Then Seohyun pulled him up and holding to his arm pulled him out of the office, babbling about what they could have for lunch. The Disciplinary Squad followed them silently staying behind them like shadows.

When the door closed behind them I released a breath I didn’t know I had been holding. I lowered my head cursing at myself for being so weak-willed. No matter what I shouldn’t have let Kyuhyun have that effect on me, not anymore.

But it hurt to see him leave with Seohyun just the same. I can’t deny that. I could never deny my feelings because they are a part of me and because the fact I can have such feelings mean that I am still me, I am still human, I’m not a robot like most of the people.

Am I really that different from them though? I’m betraying Kuyhyun right now, aren’t I? But it’s not for my personal profit, it’s for the whole country. Or at least that’s what I like to say to myself. Maybe I’m just as selfish as every stranger in the streets. Maybe I’m just looking for revenger for… what? My sister or my parents? Or maybe the childhood I never had and the life I could have lived if it wasn’t for people like Siwon.

Lunch break was an agonizing ordeal for me. At least when I was with Kyuhyun I could keep my mind busy thinking that I am right, I made the right decision about siding with Taeyeon. When I am alone, I am consumed by all those dark thoughts, I doubt my motives and I doubt myself as well. I know there is no going back now and I know that even if I had the choice I wouldn’t reconsider my decision, but I can’t help feeling like that.

I can’t help feeling… lost.

Kyuhyun came back two hours later and with him came back the tension. Now I was the one who refused to look at him. I don’t know what he was doing but I kept my eyes focused on a spot on the wall across from my desk the whole time. We didn’t talk now either other than the necessary.

For three hours, which felt like years, we were stuck in that heavy silence without even so much as looking at each other by accident.

When Kyuhyun finally got up to attend his interview he informed me that he would go back home right after so I was free to leave. I quickly gathered my stuff and muttered a low goodbye before heading to the door.  

I tried to pull it open but he pushed it from behind me, preventing me from leaving. I could feel him standing so close behind me that his breath almost next to my ear sent shivers down my spine.

I turned trying to ask him if he needed anything else and before I knew it the only thing I could feel were his lips against mine. At first I opened my eyes wide shocked but soon I melted into the kiss. I took a step back until my back was resting on the door but he never let any space between us. My hands were clutching my shirt at my chest, trembling for the umpteenth time today while he leaned in to deepen the kill. He raised his other hand and caressed my cheek while he used the other to support himself on the door behind me.

I didn’t know anyone could feel like that. My whole body felt warm and all the blood rushed to my face as my heart started beating uncontrollably. My stomach had turned in a knot but nothing had ever felt so right in my life before. Nothing had felt so gentle and captivating at the same time.  

I felt light headed and my knees were weak but soon his hand slid down until it was around my waist pressing our bodied together as I shyly rested mine behind his neck. Even when I couldn’t breathe anymore I didn’t try to pull away. I felt like I had been starving all this time and I was finally allowed to enjoy a banquet but still nothing was rushed or desperate, just sweet.

When we finally broke apart he kept his face a few centimeters from mine as we took deep breaths to calm down. What was I supposed to say? Or do?

And then for the first time that day, Kyuhyun smiled at me warmly again and slowly pulled away. I didn’t completely understand how but in a few minutes I realized I was sitting in his car again, like when he had asked me to work for me. We were silent again but it felt more comfortable and Kyuhyun was definitely more cheerful.

When he stopped the car at the corner of my road I was fully aware of how shady and dirty it looked, much more than when Taeyeon had visited. He looked at me slightly frustrated and then back at the road. He said that he should probably give me a raise but I couldn’t be sure if he was joking or being serious because I was too busy feeling my face burn.

I weakly thanked him for bringing me all the way to my apartment and made a move to get out of his car. I thought whether I should say anything more for a second but he didn’t seem to expect anything else from me. He was waiting there until the door of my apartment closed behind me. I saw the car driving away from the tiny window.

Hyoyeon was already back form work and was looking questioningly at me. The only thing I told her was that she should talk with Sooyoung about joining the revolution as well. She was excited with the idea and that kept her quite busy while I was writing all these down.

It was hard, I kept taking breaks and thinking everything that happened today over and over. I have no doubts about spying on Kyuhyun, I just feel much worse for it now. Maybe I could convince him to leave. Maybe if Kyuhyun left the country Taeyeon wouldn’t have any reason to go after him and I wouldn’t have to betray him every second I spent with him.

~ ~ ~

Finally it's up. Extra long too even though Word was being a .

the KyuSun is killing me. Excuse me while I squeal and puke rainbows all over my laptop. 

Cliche much? I don't care it's too cute

I have good news and bad news.

The bad news is I'm going on vacation for two weeks and I won't have any internet. 

The good news is, I'm going the first week to an island, then coming back on Sunday (hopefully with an update for you) and then leaving again to visit family. Not sure when I'll be back from them but I won't stay there more than eight days.