November 27

Today is Sunday so of course I didn’t have to go to the office. I’m sure if Kyuhyun wasn’t scared to step out of his house because of the protesters he would have find an excuse to spend the day together but since there are so many tomatoes and other not so harmless stuff waiting to be thrown at him I guess it’s better that he keeps a low profile.

Hyoyeon was pretty excited today when she woke up. She sprang up from her bed like she couldn’t afford to waste a single second of her day and got ready to leave just as fast. She was jumping up and down in the front door trying to put her boots on when she suddenly froze like she just had the greatest idea.

She turned to me with this devilish grin and glint in her eyes and I had this strange urge to gulp.

“Sunny you are free today right?” she asked me.

I nodded my head unsure of whether I was going to like what she was planning.

“Then come with me, I promise we’ll have fun.”

I eyed her suspiciously for a moment before answering. “Where are you going?”

Meanwhile she had finally managed to put her boots on properly and was now trying to fix her hair that had fallen in front of her face. “Just to the Red Square.”

“Are you crazy in the middle of the protest?” I know it may sound weird that I of all people would be against protesting. The situation in the country has just reached a point where a change is unavoidable but I don’t think that this protest will be the cause.

All they ever do is stand in front of the Parliament House and sure they look pretty scary but they are too… peaceful.  I just don’t think anything will come out of this. I’m not saying that we have to start killing each other either but just silently waiting in front of a building won’t solve anything.

The way I see it in a couple of weeks, maybe a month, this whole story will be forgotten. Everyone will return to their everyday lives like nothing had happened. Or maybe not exactly like nothing had happened.

Tough times are ahead of us. I just don’t believe that many of those that are protesting today will hesitate to betray as many of the others as they can in order to have some profit. Sure they are united right now but once they go back to their houses they will forget everything about companionship.

It won’t matter if it will be a brother, a best friend or just a neighbor they are betraying; like it never mattered before.

Humans are selfish creatures. They stay together because they are stronger like that but they will always look for an opportunity to step on others. Always.

It will be massive slaughter. A silent one to be exact. Every day another person will disappear without leaving a trace behind and although everybody will know what happened to him nobody will ever say it out loud.

Sometimes I think that people disappearing has become so common that we don’t even pay attention to it anymore. It doesn’t make any difference in our life. It’s different from death. You can’t mourn or cry. Not because you are not allowed but because you don’t feel like doing it anymore.

 Growing up in such an environment, it’s no wonder we have no feelings of friendship or companionship anymore. It’s no wonder children learn to talk to the Disciplinary Squad about anything suspicious their parents or their teachers do, even if they just misunderstand something.

But the most twisted of all is that the parents approve of this. We approve of this, the whole society. Let’s be honest, the protest is not about living in a more fair country, a country where you can feel safe to express your opinion no matter what it is. What the protesters want is money. Once they get their wages back they’ll crawl back to their holes like the snakes.  

But once again I might be reading too much into things.

“Yeah sure, it will be fun,” Hyoyeon said putting her hands on her hips.

“What if someone sees me and tells Kyuhyun? Or what if they attack me exactly because I’m working for Kyuhyun?” I was reluctant to follow her. She was probably safe because there was nothing to connect her with the government. I can’t say the same thing for myself.

“Oh come on, you’ll be fine. We can get you a wig or something,” Hyoyeon said rolling her eyes.

Her answer caught me by surprise. My mouth hung open for a couple of seconds before my brain could start to form an answer again. “Are you crazy? You know that they are keeping track of whatever we are buying. Don’t you think that it’d be better not to draw attention on us by doing something so risky as to buy a disguise?”

Hyoyeon scoffed and tapped her foot on the floor impatiently. “Will you stop worrying for just a moment?”

I couldn’t believe in my ears. When did Hyoyeon change so much? Was I so caught up in my little world that I didn’t notice that she was getting more and more careless? Hyoyeon used to be more cautious than me; she always thought all the possible outcomes before she did anything. So what happened?

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” she said. “I’m going there almost every day.”

I felt my eyes grow in surprise. “Do you hear yourself? Why can’t you understand that you are risking too much?” I admit that I might have raised my voice ever so slightly. But I just don’t think that her response was justified.

Hyoyeon’s expression suddenly hardened. “Risking? I am always risking my life,” she said in a low voice that scared me more than if she had screamed in my face. “You are the one who is always playing safe. I am always fighting in the first line while you are hiding behind your desk all day long.”

Her words were completely uncalled for. Hyoyeon had never shown any signs of having a problem with me. Sure she had been quiet the last couple of days but we never had a fight before.

“Do you believe what you are saying?” I asked with a trembling voice.

“You have become Kyuhyun’s dog. He just snaps his fingers and you run behind him.”

I winced like she had just slapped me. Her words felt like daggers. She didn’t know about Kyuhyun and me and yet she still used the fact I spend hours with him to attack me. I felt cold sweat run down my forehead. Did I really have any right to talk back to her? I have been lying to her for months.

Hyoyeon put her palm in her forehead trying to calm down and paced around the room. “What happened to the girl I first met? The girl that was passionate and willing to risk her life for a purpose. Remember Tiffany? You were the one who wanted to run and find her before the Disciplinary Squad did. You would have done so if I hadn’t stopped you and gone myself. Remember that?”

“Tiffany was a completely different matter than what we are discussing right now?” I said trying to be reasonable. “Like you said, back then I had a specific purpose. Now you are asking me to risk my head for something that doesn’t have a chance to survive for more than a few weeks!”

Maybe I was out of line as well. I didn’t have to yell or raise my voice more than usual. I just wanted to understand her so how come I found myself fighting back?

Hyoyeon turned and gave me an incredulous look. “It doesn’t have a chance to survive?” she asked and then turned towards the window near the door. “This is the way to the future Sunny,” she said pointing outside the window. “They are fighting right now. Just because they are not holding knives and guns that doesn’t mean that they are not fighting.”

“Hyoyeon I never said that we need to have guns and knives in order to fight. I’m just saying that the protesters have no plan, they-”

“Well that’s what the revolutionary army is there for, right?” she asked looking me dead in the eyes.

The revolutionary army? How did this come into our discussion? This was like a bucket of water being thrown straight to my face.

“Is this what Sooyoung wanted from you?” I asked having regained my composure for a moment.

“Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I just don’t want to tell you anymore,” Hyoyeon said and left banging the door behind her.

She didn’t want to tell me anymore? She had refused to tell me from the beginning. Or maybe that’s what she meant? That the problem had started from back then. But I didn’t do anything to cause this. Did I?

Maybe if I had been honest with her from the beginning things would be different now. Or maybe if I had never met Taeyeon, if I hadn’t started working for Kyuhyun, if I hadn’t forgotten my diary in the library. If, if, if… So many possibilities but there is no point in thinking all of that. Because once you’ve made a decision you have to live with it no matter the consequences.

It would be nice if we could go back in time and change our decisions, take different roads and paths. But we can’t. So instead we have to throw ourselves in the turbulent ocean of life and swim to the best of our abilities to keep our head above the water.

We can’t let life overwhelm us. It’s difficult and unfair but it’s our life right? It’s what made us who we are today. Our choices, our memories, our experiences.

I know that we had just fought but I was still worried for Hyoyeon. She was alone out there, among the protesters. What if they stopped being peaceful and they got involved in a fight with the Disciplinary Squad? Almost every protest before this one started like this anyway.

It was a great risk but, although I would hate to admit it in front of her, Hyoyeon’s words had an impact on me. It’s like replaying everything that she said in my head provoked me to go out there and search for her. And that’s what I did; I went out to look for her.

Do you know what it feels like to walk through familiar streets but feel lost? Like you are in a bad nightmare where everything is so well-known and so foreign at the same time?

I wasn’t paying much attention around me, the other people where like shadows.

Until I reached the Red Square. And then I realized just how crazy I was.

There were thousands of people there. More than half a million actually. They were so many that even the avenues and the streets around the Square were filled with them.

I pushed through them, I searched for Hyoyeon, I called for her. Many gave me strange looks, many didn’t even bother to make space for me to go through. I was searching for her until my legs hurt; I was yelling her name until I couldn’t speak anymore. But in the end I had to admit that the chances she had heard me or seen me where slim.

I was nothing more than another face in the crowd, a desperate voice among a cacophony of demands and cries. I had become what I most dreaded, a mice in the crowd, unimportant, nameless. Whether I was there or not didn’t make any difference. Neither to Hyoyeon nor to Kyuhyun.

There was no point in continuing but I still did. I kept searching until it was so late that people started leaving, until only the most fanatic remained, those that camped outside the House of Parliament all day and all night. I stayed until even they had fallen asleep. But I didn’t find her.

How long was I searching? Hours definitely, but how many? It was still morning when I left the house and now the stars where shining above me.

I returned home hoping that Hyoyeon had done the same. But when I got there the apartment was dark and silent. No trace of life. My legs were numb from the walking and my throat hurt.

I collapsed but I was too tired to cry. I was too tired to do anything but fall asleep. In the last bits of my conscience, before the darkness engulfed me and I sank in a dreamless sleep, a part of me wondered if anybody had recognized me. But surprisingly, that didn’t matter anymore. 

~ ~ ~

It's up! It's finally up ^^

How is it? How is it? a little shorter than usual right? I'm sorry it took so long T-T

There are a few pieces in here that I read now and I am like: "Where did that come from? Was I high or something?"

But I am satisfied with it. 

Clouds quickly approaching Sunny's life. Drama and fights are my passion