November 18

I woke up very early today. When I opened my eyes Hyoyeon was still sleeping soundly next to me.  I had been thinking of my next move a lot that night, I had barely slept and the few hours of rest I managed to get were filled with nightmares and worries.

At least now know what I have to do to find out who’s the one lying to me. Even though my logic says that I should trust Taeyeon my heart still leaves enough space to doubt her.

The sun had just risen and the streets were mostly empty. There were a few members of the Disciplinary Squad patrolling, a couple of them looked at my direction but most of them already knew I work for Kyuhyun. Being his secretary makes me more trustworthy I guess.

I got to Kyuhyun’s office in record time. I entered without checking to see if I was alone, I knew I was alone; I have a copy of the schedule of everyone who works in the Parliament House for safety reasons.

I went straight for his desk and started searching through his papers. All of the papers Kyuhyun signs, receives or sends go through me first but there are a few that even I am not allowed to see. He told me that it’s something for national security but I’m not so sure anymore.

None of the papers that were on his desk were what I was looking for. I turned to the drawers. The first two didn’t have anything interesting in them but when I tried to open the third one it was locked.

I was surprised, Kyuhyun never locks anything in his office because when he is not here the door is locked and it’s practically inviolable and the only people who have keys are him and me. Why would he lock that drawer?

I knew the information I was looking for was in there but I couldn’t open it. I thought of any possible places for the key to be. I couldn’t think of anything. Kyuhyun probably had it with him.

I sat on the floor and rested my back on the desk. Think Sunny, think I said to myself. There’s gotta be a way for you to open that.

“Mrs. Lee?”

My head snapped up and I hurried back to my feet as my eyes turned towards the door.

Choi Siwon, in a black suit – without a tie – was standing there. His hands were in his pockets and he was smiling accusingly at me.

I gulped trying to regain my composure. “Mr. Choi” I said “is there anything I can do to help you?”

He looked me up and down and smiled crookedly at me again. “Why are you here so early in the morning Mrs. Lee?” he asked me instead of giving me an answer.

“I forgot to give the Prime Minister some papers yesterday. I just wanted to make sure that he found them on my desk and looked through them” I lied smoothly. I had already thought what I was going to say if somebody caught me.

“You take your job very seriously, don’t you? I assume Kyuhyun didn’t find those papers, judging from your desperation when I got here” he said mockingly.

He knew that I was lying. My palms were sweating and my heart was beating faster but I tried not to show it.

“I’ll make sure he reads them when he comes here. My mistake won’t be repeated” I said hoping that my nervousness didn’t show.

“Very well” Siwon said. “Keep up the good work Sunny” he added as he walked away, my name sounding almost like a threat coming from his mouth.

My knees were weak so I had to use the desk next to me to support my weight. I could feel death hanging above my head. No, not yet. I can’t be sure of anything until I see Kyuhyun again, I decided. Maybe Siwon had bought my lie and that was just his natural face, being creepy and scary.

Kyuhyun arrived about two hours later. His attitude towards me didn’t seem to have changed but I kept my distance just in case. He was smiling at me like always. Maybe Siwon hadn’t talked to him yet. Maybe he was waiting until their meeting later that day.

I did everything Kyuhyun asked of me trying to look normal but Kyuhyun noticed there was something different. He didn’t say anything but I could see him looking worried at my direction.

And then the time for the meeting came. This meeting wouldn’t only decide for the future of the whole nation – Siwon had proposed a new taxing system that burdened everyday people even more and helped rich people become richer – but also whether I would live to see the sunset.

If Siwon told Kyuhyun that he caught me snooping around in his office I would be arrested and killed in the next few hours.

As I was sitting in my desk waiting, my face buried in my hands, I heard a soft knock on the door. I turned to look and saw Choi Sooyoung leaning against the wall with her arms crossed over her chest. She was smiling but her smile was so different from her brother’s, so warm and soothing that it almost brought tears to my eyes.

“Kyuhyun and Siwon are playing kings again right?” she asked. “Come on, I am going for a walk and I could use some company” she said and pointed with her head to the Royal Gardens outside the window.

 I had never spoken to her before, hell I think that was the first time we looked each other in the eyes, but I followed her without hesitation.

We walked for a few minutes in silent. Sooyoung had her arms behind her back, walking relaxed with her head held high. I, on the other hand, was dragging my feet, looking at the ground and my hands were hanging awkwardly at my sides.

“I hear you are pretty smart” Sooyoung said without looking at me.

“I guess you could say I pay a lot of attention to details” I answered.

“Yes you do, but you are pretty passive, you are the type that follows orders, you don’t give them”

I couldn’t find anything to answer.

“You let your emotions rule your life even though you are well aware of what’s happening around you” she continued.

Suddenly she stopped and turned towards me. I stopped and turned to look at her as well, she is a lot taller than me.

She pointed with her finger at my head. “You need to start listening to this more” - she said and moved her hand over my chest, somewhere near my heart – “than this” she finished.

“I am trying” I said weakly. I wasn’t exactly intimidated by her but I did feel like a student being scolded by her teacher.

“It’s good to hear” she said and smiled warmly at me again. “So, do you watch football?” she asked suddenly.

“No, not really” I said surprised. Football was the last thing I would think of that moment.

“Choosing which team to support is important” Sooyoung said in deep thought. She looked around us to make sure we were alone and then winked at me. “You know I think my team has a good chance of winning this year. Think about it” she said and started walking back towards the building.

“I will” I said feeling like we weren’t really talking about football.

The way back to Kyuhyun’s office was silent but now I felt like I had a lot more stuff to worry about. I felt like everybody was pressuring me to make a decision without being ready; Hyoyeon, Taeyeon, Sooyoung, even Kyuhyun without knowing was pressuring me with his sweet words to trust him unconditionally.

Kyuhyun still wasn’t finished with the meeting when I got back. I sat in my desk thinking about my life up until now.

Choi Sooyoung is right; I am a very passive person. Unlike Hyoyeon I prefer to sit and watch silently the events unfold, even if they have a great impact in my life. I have to change that, I have to take life to my hands. No matter how hard it is, I have to make a decision. But first, if I survive this day, I need to see what’s in that drawer.

When Kyuhyun returned I stopped breathing. I was sure he would be followed by either Yuri or Yoona or even both of them and he would order them to arrest me. I bet they would be delighted.

However Kyuhyun was alone and didn’t look pissed off. Maybe a little tired but definitely not in the mood to kill me.

“Sunny did anyone call while I was with Siwon?” he asked as he walked by me and towards his own desk.

“No, nobody called” I told him letting out the breath I had been holding. I was safe; for now.

The rest of the day passed like any other. I did try to keep my distance from Kyuhyun, however, to make sure that my feelings weren’t clouding my judgment. Still, I thought that I was acting pretty normal but I guess Kyuhyun pays more attention to me than I believe.

I was getting ready to leave and like I always do I left on his desk the papers he needed to read by tomorrow.

“I’m heading home” I said and I turned to leave.

“Sunny wait” he said and I turned to look at him. “Can we talk for a moment?” he asked.

I searched his eyes but again I didn’t see any sign of anger. “Sure” I said and sat at the sofa near his desk.  He sat next to me and took my hand in his.

“You have been avoiding me lately” he said tilting his head a little to look into my eyes.

“I have? I am sorry I am kind of tired” I answered looking away.

He turned my face towards him again, making sure I was looking at him. “No, you are not tired. You are keeping your distance” he said again.

“I… I just…” I couldn’t find anything to say.

“What’s the problem?” he asked. “I really thought that we were getting closer. I mean, you know, I thought the two of us –“

I pulled my hand away from him interrupting his words and got up. “I’m sorry, I have to go” I said and walked towards the door.

He got up and grabbed my arm before I had the chance to leave. “Is this about Seohyun?” he asked, desperation laced in his words.

“No” I said and then I thought again. “Maybe. I don’t know” I yelled at him.

My outburst surprised him and he released me. “Sunny” he whispered in a broken voice and took a step closer to me.

“It’s about Seohyun but also about something much more important” I said taking a step back. I turned and ran away, his voice calling my name filled my ears until I reached my apartment.

Hyoyeon wasn’t back yet, I was alone.

I have already decided to call in sick tomorrow. There is only one person that can listen to my problems right now and doesn’t want me to pick a side. I have to see Jessica.

~ ~ ~

I know this is soooo late but applying for university and driving lessons have been taking up all my time.