December 5

Dear Sunny,

I know I shouldn’t have read your diary, even if Yuri already had. But I couldn’t go on with my life as if nothing happened either. It was not easy. There were many times that I just wanted to throw this little notebook away and forget about it but I never could.

I now realise how different my world is from yours. I would have never guessed all the things you described through your entries and at first I was reluctant to believe it. But why would you lie in a book you thought nobody would ever read?

I grew up in a protected environment. My family is what you would describe as one of the few privileged. I don’t have the experience you have with the outside world. Without realizing it I’ve been closed in a gold cage my whole life. From the moment I was born, to the moment I got married someone else is making the decisions for me.

I was shocked when I saw the dull colours with which you coloured me whenever I appeared in your writing. Did I really leave that kind of an impression? Did I really seem to you like a pretty doll with no brain?

Maybe I have been living in a different world from yours all this time as I now realise. There are things you describe that I could have never even imagined. The orphanage and how the other girls treated you, Jessica Jung’s involvement with the Golden Dawn, even Golden Dawn itself.

For me it was easy to hide behind my sisters and to rely on Kyuhyun for everything but nobody else can say the same. I feel ashamed for myself. I was too busy strolling around in my glass palace that I couldn’t take a moment to look at what was happening outside its walls. But now that I can actually look past them I see all the things you describe.

I can see all the desperation in the protesters’ eyes and I can hear the anger in their voice. I can now understand that just because I had everything I needed that doesn’t mean everyone else was the same.

On one hand I feel I should apologise for my sisters. Their hostility towards you is a side of them I have never seen myself. Even if they had their reasons I would have never thought that the caring and protective Yuri or the cute and playful Yoona could be so cold with someone. But then again it wouldn’t make sense for them to be heads of the Disciplinary Squad otherwise, would it?

On the other hand they were right from the beginning weren’t they? About you and Kyuhyun. 

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame you. If it wasn’t you it could have been someone else. I don’t blame Kyuhyun either. But I do blame myself. I always knew that our marriage was more of a deal our parents made than anything else. I can’t say I didn’t love Kyuhyun but I also see that I never had the feelings you have.

For me Kyuhyun is a companion. He is someone I could talk to and be with to have fun and unlike my sisters, I didn’t have any regrets for letting him take care of me. I don’t want to admit it but it could have been anybody. It didn’t have to be Kyuhyun. But it’s not the same for you, is it?

 Maybe it’s my fault for never trying to get closer to him. I was content with staying with him like that. As if we were strangers. Did you know, there were times that we hadn’t spoken to each other for days even though we live together. I mean that we were talking to each other but we were never saying anything of importance. You’ve been in front of many of our discussions so you should know.

When I got married to Kyuhyun I saw it as an opportunity to get away. To get away from my parents. Kyuhyun was already a pretty important person in the politics so I knew that money wouldn’t be an issue.

Does it shock you that I admit something like that? That for me Kyuhyun was a chance for a better life? But where I grew up that’s what happens most of the times. My mother has never said it but I know it was the same with her.

I was lucky. Kyuhyun proved to be better than I expected. He was good and understanding with me even when I could see that he really didn’t want to listen to my useless talk.

December 6

Dear Sunny,

Kyuhyun is worried about you, I can see it. I have spent the last few days watching him pacing through the rooms of our house always in deep thought with dark circles under his eyes. He doesn’t sleep here anymore. He only comes home to take a shower and change clothes. Maybe eat something from time to time.

I know that if he continues like that he’ll get sick. Just like I know that he spends every minute of his time searching for you. He doesn’t have to tell me but I can imagine that apart from Yuri’s men there is also a small army looking for you. It’s touching to see he cares so much about you. But at the same time it breaks my heart to admit that he would never go to such lengths for me.

I know you’ll probably never read this but still I have to tell you. If you love him as much as you claim then come back.

Maybe I don’t know much about love but still it’s clear to me that you should care about your lover’s wellbeing more than anything else. Even if you are scared for your life, shouldn’t your love for him make you come back?

Maybe I will never love him as much as you do and he will never love me like he does you but right now it seems like I care for him much more than you do.

I’ve been reading your diary again and again. You always say you want to be strong and protect the others but in the end you always hide behind someone don’t you? Whether that’s your sister, Jessica or Kyuhyun.

You say you want to be able to support the others but you always end up making things revolve around you. Your life, your feelings for Kyuhyun, your need for a friend, your pitiful past of losing a sister.

You opened my eyes about the misery of the people of this country but how is it possible that you are so blind to it? How come your problems are bigger than anything else?

I’m a brat. I’m weak. I’m a coward and until recently I was blind to the problems of this country. But now that I know, my little misfortunes pale in front of everything I found out. Maybe I can’t join Golden Dawn like you did. Maybe I can’t help people like Choi Sooyoung and Jessica Jung but there are things I can do.

The least I can do I will do it. Things that I know are probably not possible, I’ll still try to accomplice them.

Because I want to change and I want to see this country change as well.  And I know exactly where to start from.

December 8

Dear Sunny,

I haven’t forgotten about what I said. I’m trying as hard as I can but there are a couple of obstacles in my way right now.

Meanwhile Yuri is like a lion in a cage. She still can’t believe you escaped from her. She is doing everything in her power to find you but I guess that’s useless. If they couldn’t find Golden Dawn’s HQ all this time what would change now? Assuming of course that that’s where you are hiding.

Yoona is worried. She is worried because just like Kyuhyun, Yuri doesn’t sleep or eat trying to track you down.

Right now it’s a race. The one who finds you first gets to decide your fate.

I remember when things were much simpler. Before Yuri even thought about joining the Disciplinary Squad.

Believe it or not, both Yoona and Yuri are pretty sweet and funny girls. As long as I can remember it was the two of them that took care of me. Father and mother were too busy with their lives to pay much attention to us.

I guess I never thought about it before but Yuri was the one who had it the hardest. She didn’t have anyone to care for her. Yoona had her and I had both of them.

You might think that a girl growing up in such an environment wouldn’t have the heart to care for her younger sisters but Yuri always thought about us first. She did her best so that neither Yoona nor I ever felt that we weren’t loved.

I think she didn’t want us to feel the same emptiness she did because of our parents.

Whenever Yoona and I had nightmares or when we fell down and hurt ourselves, it was Yuri we ran to.

Yuri made sure we had eaten our food and she was even helping us dress every day.

The worst memories I have from my childhood are those of my parents and their ‘civilised’ conversations. They never fought. They never raised their voice and neither of them hit the other. But from their tone and their eyes it was obvious even to a child that their relationship wasn’t the best.

When that happened Yuri always dragged us to some other room and played with us to keep our minds away from our parents.

But what about Yuri? There was never someone to take care of her, there was never someone to protect her.

Yoona was the first one to realise this. I’m not sure when it started but after a while Yoona seemed to have matured a lot before her time. She spent a lot of time with Yuri, laughing and talking with her and they went out together a lot.

I remember feeling left out back then. Now I realise that I would have just been a burden to Yuri if I had followed them. I would have been another worry on her mind the scarce moments she could forget about everything.

I think that was the only reason Yoona followed Yuri’s footsteps and joined the Disciplinary Squad. She wanted to stay close to her and help her. I think it was only thanks to Yoona that Yuri didn’t break down. Up until now Yoona still makes sure that Yuri doesn’t overwork herself and she eats properly.

I just don’t know if this is enough anymore.

December 9

Dear Sunny,

Yoona worked her magic once again. She managed to convince Yuri to take a couple of days off to get some rest. Unfortunately that means that she has to work twice as hard.

Yuri didn’t like the idea at first; she didn’t like it at all. I have no idea what Yoona told her to convince her but right now she is sleeping soundly in one of our guest rooms.

I wish I could do the same for Kyuhyun but he doesn’t pay any attention to me anymore. He is lost in his own world for now.

It was hard for my sister to relax at first. I kept her company and talked to her about any irrelevant topic I could think of. She finally started forgetting about you and the rest of her problems after her third cup of tea.

We remembered the days when we were children. She smiled and she laughed remembering the troublemaker Yoona used to be and what a chubby baby I was.

While I had fun as well I couldn’t help but notice how Yuri looks much older than what she is. She is very pale lately and she has wrinkles around her tired eyes.  Her smile, although always bright, fades away quickly and there are many times it looks forced.

I’m worried for her but at least now I can help her by being by her side.

You know sometimes I think we are not that different after all. Maybe I’m the hypocrite. I keep judging you but I never stop for a second to judge myself.  

December 10

Dear Sunny,

It wasn’t easy. I think if I wasn’t married to Kyuhyun they would have never paid attention to me but as the First Lady I have a lot more power than I expected.

At first they didn’t want to do what I was telling them but in the end my mission was successful.

I think one of the parts that moved me most in your story was Jessica Jung’s breakdown. I have never met Tiffany Hwang and it appears that you don’t really know her either but from your writing I could understand that a lot of other people trust her and rely on her.

I visited her. She wasn’t in a good condition. I don’t know what she had to go through but it must have been awful. I didn’t see any wounds on her but her scared eyes and the way she had her arms around her body trying to protect herself, said much more than any open wound would have.

It took a lot of convincing and I had to pay a lot of money but I did manage to arrange for her to be released until her trial.

Choi Siwon tried his best to keep her in jail but with all the protesters waiting outside his office and his house and the problems that have aroused with some of the congressmen he didn’t have enough time in his hands to deal with me as well.

I know she knows where she has to go but I’m not sure how to help her to get there. She never talked to me while I was visiting her. She was only looking anxiously around her.

But that’s a start as well right?

Maybe I can get Choi Sooyoung to meet her. She can probably help Ms. Hwang more than me.

December 11

I’m not allowed to see Ms. Hwang anymore. Actually nobody is allowed to see her anymore. She is staying in a small apartment near the Royal Gardens. Of course a couple of Yuri’s men are always guarding her.

Today I visited Kyuhyun in his office. Even I could feel the emptiness after you disappeared. Maybe you were like a piece of furniture for me, one more of the hundreds of people that work with Kyuhyun but now it feels weird not to see you sitting behind your desk making phone calls and arranging meetings for him.

I don’t think Kyuhyun noticed me. I don’t think he even realized I was talking to him. He just mumbled something as an answer to anything I said and then went back to looking through papers aimlessly.

He is at his limit. I don’t know how much longer he can go on like this. It breaks my heart to see him like this and know that there is nothing I can do to help him.

Maybe if I tell him about your diary, maybe if I show him everything you’ve written he’ll feel better. 

A.N.

So I'm back after a loooong time. 

I'm so sorry I was so late updating this. But to make up for this I have a double update.

Well the second chapter is like.... super short but it had to be that way.

So here, basically Seohyun has started writing in Sunny's diary.