Chou Tzuyu’s Point of View

 

Everything’s been quite complicated lately. With so many things happening around me, I do not know where to actually concentrate. I don’t know where to begin. I do not know what really is going on, I am in  a state wherein I am just very confused. I am not just confused about one thing. I am confused with almost everything that’s going around in my life right now. It’s just overwhelming. Everything is overwhelming. 

 

With the academics pulling me by the hair, the school festival bruising my ribs, the pressure from my family for me to go home, everything about that ing lunatic Min Woo, and my growing feelings for Sana unnie. Everything is just … it’s all so complicated. I just wish I could disappear, just for a day and not be involved with anything. Just me and this entire blankness. That would be nice. I would want that. 

 

All of this is exhausting. I don’t even know if I have the right to complain. Am I allowed to complain? That’s okay, right? It doesn’t matter, right? I’m the only one who could hear my thoughts. I guess that’s the only nice thing about this. I can be very stressed but at the same time I can  just appear okay on the outside. No one can hear my thoughts. They don’t know what I am thinking. No one knows what I am going through. 

 

I just sigh  and prop both my arms on the table, resting my chin on my palms in the process. Is peace not the norm? Is that what life is all about? Chaos? That must not be it, right? There must be some other answer to all these questions. Is this the peak of my life? Does everything go downhill from here? Will I grow old and become miserable? Sometimes, being alone scares me. All these thoughts, all these thoughts consume me. I am stressed out, everything is just so noisy. Can’t things be quiet even just for a day? Just for a day, that’s all I want. 

 

“Yoda-yah, what is it?” Kim Dahyun slides to the seat next to me. I almost didn’t notice her because of the things I’ve been thinking . Damn, I need to manage my thoughts. I stared at her and gave her this look of acknowledgement, as if telling her ‘hey’. She just bobbed her head up and down, as if jamming to some music inside her head. 

 

“Great. You actually came.” I smile at her, I don’t even know what to feel right now. Everything’s just so confusing. She stared at me for a while and then she gave me this look. The type of look that suggested she’s confused. 

 

“Yeah. You want to talk about something?” She asked me, she almost sounds nonchalant. I had to scratch my head, I don’t know where to begin. Should I just dump all my thoughts to her? No. That would be rude.

 

“Do you want chicken and beer?” I asked her, her eyes lit up and she immediately nodded.  Well, that’s all I need for confirmation. 

 

We both had to get out of that restaurant, I always thought it might be nice in there but it seemed like the place was suffocating. We both needed a place which was open, had natural light, and generally just not stuffy. We both need that. These days I feel like being in a stuffy room is the norm, I just need a break. I think Dahyun needs a break too, she’s just like me too. 

 

“That would be fifty thousand won.” The delivery guy mumbles under his breath, he was obviously tired. The poor guy had to locate us over and over and check where we actually situated our seats in the Han River.  

 

“Fifty?! What? Is that chicken fried in gold infused oil or something?” Kim Dahyun started to nag, I can hear her even though I am reasonably far away trying to set up our seats. What is her problem again? 

 

“Maám?” The delivery guy stammered, he was obviously taken aback with how the blonde girl reacted. The guy just stood there with our delivery. I had to walk over to them.

 

“Fifty thousand won? Isn’t that a little too hefty?” Dahyun complains once again. “I’m usually polite but isn’t  that too damn steep? It’s just chicken.” She adds, her voice becoming increasingly frustrated by the second.  

 

“I uh…” The delivery guy scratches on the back of his head. He’s probably stressed enough and now he’s got this nagging customer. 

 

“Can’t you re-compute it? I’m pretty sure it's supposed to be 35 thousand won.” Dahyun says this kindly.

 

“Hey, I’m sure that’s not necessary.” I smile at Dahyun and at the Delivery guy. I immediately fished the money from my wallet and paid the person. The guy seemed thankful, as he handed us the delivery. Glady, I took the set and we walked over to the spot where I was installing our seats while ago. 

 

“You didn’t have to go so soft on him.” Kim Dahyun chuckled as she plopped on the newly installed chair overlooking the Han River. The scenery was awesome, the air breeze somehow made me feel a little calm. The breeze made some of my thoughts go away. For a while, atleast. 

 

“I wasn’t soft on him, I paid him because he needs to deliver to his other customers too.” I reply as a matter-of-factly. She just nodded, as if saying ‘Whatever, kid.’

 

“He clearly overcharged.” She insisted, she sounded as if she knew what she was talking about. 

 

“No, he didn’t. I was the one who ordered, right? It’s a set, beer was included with the order.” I told her. 

 

“Whatever.” She laughs as she opens the first can of beer, she is facing the river. It was almost sunset, the scenery at its peak. 

 

It’s not the weekend so the Han River isn’t packed. Thank goodness because people can be overwhelming sometimes, not that I hate people. It’s just that, I want to enjoy my fried chicken and beer in peace that’s all. I look over to Dahyun who’s currently just looking at the river. 

 

“Are you some chicken and beer master ?” I jokingly asked her. She just stifled a chuckle. I’ve never been alone with her before, I never knew she was this cocky. 

 

“No, I used to deliver chicken.” She blankly replies. 

 

“Great, never knew you were sarcastic too.” I replied, still looking at her. She sipped on her canned beer, I can see her smirk. 

 

“I’m being serious here.” She turned her gaze to me, I just stared back. 

 

“For how long?” I asked, almost too immediately. 

 

“Two weeks.” She laughed, she almost spilled her beer on herself. That’s when I started laughing too, I immediately grabbed some tissue and gave a handful to her. She thanked me and started wiping her now beer soaked fingers. 

 

“Jeez, I thought you did it for like a year or something.” I chuckled, reached for the box of chicken, opened it, and handed some to her. She smiled and fished a piece of chicken. “Anyway, you didn’t have to be mean to him. I hate it when customers are mean to me, but what can we do right? We just smile.” words just escaped my mouth without noticing it. Damn, I’m chatty.

 

“What do you mean you hate it? You had a part-time job before?” She asked almost immediately. I just stare at her, hoping that she wouldn’t ask a follow-up question. 

 

“Sure, whatever that is.” I laughed, trying to make the mood between us lighter. 

 

“But it doesn’t add up though.” She said this as if I wasn’t telling her the complete story. 

 

“Life isn’t about addition, Kim Dahyun.” I reply as I take my first chicken piece. 

 

“You’re not a scholar, right?” She asked me. 

 

“I’m not.” I reply, without thinking. I noticed she’s finished all her chicken so I hand her some more. She smiles at me and takes another piece.

 

“So are you really working? Are you sure? You having a part-time job doesn’t add up. At all.” She smirks, as if she’s solved some none existent puzzle.

 

“Well, I work. But it’s my parent’s cafe.” I truthfully tell her, what’s the point of not telling her anyway? 

 

“Oh, so you're stinking rich.” She snorts. 

 

“We live a comfortable life.” I roll my eyes and just look at the river. She’s cocky. 

 

“That’s what rich people say!” She exclaims as if she’s really figured me out, I just stared at her. I want her to know I was unimpressed.

 

“Sure, we’re rich. Is that a crime?” I ask her. 

 

“At least I got to know you, right?” I hear her chuckle. 

 

“That’s cool. We had to do it one way or another.” I reply as I grab my can of beer and open it. I take a sip and just look at the beautiful scenery. There was an awkward silence for a short while until KIm Dahyun spoke. 

 

“Why’d you want to meet anyway?” She asked, so I look over to her and catch her already staring. She didn’t take her gaze away though, she looked blank. Not cold but just very bored. 

 

“I just wanted to hang out.” I lied through my teeth, she stared for a while and then just shrugged. She believed me, I think. I hope so. 

 

“You? Hang out with me? Please, why didn’t you contact me sooner?” She cockily reached for another piece of chicken. “Hey, how much is the rent fee for these chairs?” She asked, pertaining to the foldable chair we were using. 

 

“I’m not sure.” I answer.

 

“Rich kid indeed, you don’t even account your expenses properly.” She smirks. 

 

“That’s not the point.” I reply.

 

“Oh, so there’s a point?” She cockily replies. 

 

“This.” I point out her way of speaking. “Why do I feel like there is a tension between us? I don’t even understand what’s happening.” I tell her honestly. To be honest, I wasn’t aware that a tension does exist between us. I just sort of noticed it while talking to her. I just stare at her. I’m not sure why I’m even making an effort to reach out to this person.

 

“I’m kidding!” She laughs. “What do you want me to say? Tell you how much I love you in mandarin? This is me. Get used to it, ma’am.” She smiles at me and she offers me another piece of chicken. 

 

“Hey, I want to tell you something.” I start, hoping that all goes well. 

 

“Sure, what is it?”

 

“I know what’s going on between you and Sana unnie.” I start. I said this bitterly, as if  my own words were choking me. I hated saying it, because the more I say it, I feel like the more likely it would come true. But I have to do what I have to do. 

 

It’s true, I’ve known. I mean, I didn’t intend to know but it just kind of happened that way. It was the sleep over at Jihyo unnie’s rest house, everyone was drunk and unruly. Chaeyoung and Mina unnie were nowhere to be found,I don’t really care. 

 

But what bothered me is it’s been fifteen  minutes already since Dahyun and Sana have been sent upstairs, and they haven’t come down yet to join us. I was worried, very worried to the point I couldn’t enjoy the other’s company. Thankfully Jihyo unnie asked me to go to the rooftop to ask them to join us in the living room, but to my horror, I see them kissing in the bathtub. They were told skinny dip, not makeout. Of course, I went down immediately. You could say I was a little shattered. 

 

“Excuse me?” She asked, Dahyun seemed nervous. 

 

“I know you guys are a thing.” I reply and stare at her. 

 

“When you say a ‘thing’ what do you mean by that?” She asked, she seemed careful. 

 

“Well, you guys are a couple. Right?” I asked her. All this time I’ve always assumed they were a couple. I see her chuckle, why is she chuckling? “What’s so funny?” I ask her. 

 

“It’s just that, Sana and I aren’t a thing.” She stares at the river, she grabs the beer can and sips. I can see her trying to prevent herself from smiling. It’s as if everything I’ve told her is amusing. I just take my gaze off of her, and look ahead to the beautiful scenery. 

 

“Are you enjoying all of this?” I ask her, pertaining to my constant prodding. I am still looking ahead. 

 

“What? The fact that you paid for all of this or you being nosy and asking personal questions?” She asks, she sounds really calm. She doesn’t seem annoyed, which is a great sign that this conversation may continue more. 

 

“Well, I was being nosy. Whatever that is.” I answer her honestly. “Hey, you’re barely eating the chicken. Don’t be shy.”  I encourage her, even though she’s almost finished with her third piece. 

 

“I’ve got a question for you though.” She sounded careful. I shift my gaze back to her. “How can you ask me something so taboo? Aren’t you even a little taken aback that Sana and I are both girls?” She asks me, I can sense that she’s being really genuine. 

 

“No, it doesn’t bother me.” I answer.

 

“How come? I didn’t expect that.” She chuckled. 

 

“Well, you know!” I playfully shrug and chuckle. 

 

“Don’t tell me…” Dahyun trails off, she had this look on her face that suggested that she was surprised. I knew what she was going to ask me. 

 

“Oh, no. No. Not that way no.” I lie through my teeth. Yes, I am. Yes, yes, yes. Yes I am. 

 

“Oh, so you’re not into girls.” I hear her trying to clear the questions inside her head. 

 

“I, uhhh...No. I’m not.” I tell her. I don’t know why I am  lying, I honestly do not understand why I’m doing this. I felt bad, for not telling her the truth. I know I shouldn’t lie about who I am. It’s sad that I can’t be true even to myself. 

 

“So you’re the wealthy straight heiress from Taiwan. That’s your brand.” She laughs out loud and I just had to stare at her. I slowly fetch a piece of chicken and offer it to her, hoping she would laugh a lot less louder. She just stared at me, as if I had committed something very horrible. “What? Is that it? You wanted to ask if Sana and I were a thing? That’s it?” She asked me, trying to understand. 

 

“Well, I know it’s not my place to say this but…” I trail off. 

 

“Well, you already dragged me out here. So just ask what you need to ask and just say what you need to say.” She replies. 

 

“Sana unnie isn’t doing well right now.” I tell her. 

 

“By that, you mean?” She asked.

 

“Well, you know what I mean.” I hesitate, feeling as if what I am doing isn’t something that should be done. 

 

“No, I don’t.” She swiftly replies. She had this look on her face, as if she’s really curious with what I was about to say. I know it’s not my place to reveal things but I just have to do it. This is for Sana unnie’s good. 

 

That’s when I told her to go visit the place where Sana unnie works, I told her to visit before midnight today. It’s because Sana unnie’s work schedule sometimes changes but for today she’s on night shift. I didn’t tell her Sana works there, I just told her to go visit so that she could see for herself. Of course, because of this maybe she has become a little curious. She had questions that I didn’t answer, I just told her to go see for herself. 

 

My time spent together with Kim Dahyun seemed pretty chill and she was a very calming energy. She didn’t over react about anything which helped a lot with my mood. We went our separate ways after that, she told me how she enjoyed our time together which made me feel good too. 

 

These days, it feels like nobody wants to go home. Mostly everyone is just out doing their own thing. Especially after Nayeon unnie left for the countryside, things have indeed changed here. It seemed as if things had become calm. Boring. It’s sad around here, ever since the incident with Min Woo. I can’t believe I teased Chaeng to him. 

 

The dormitory’s deafening silence just didn’t sit well with me, I just sat on the sofa. I endlessly click and click for Channels. Nothing seems to be good for viewing, or is it just me? I feel myself sink deeper into the couch, the dorm’s silence is rendering me borderline insane. I reach for something inside my pocket and feel some loose change. I immediately stand up and walk inside her room. 

 

She doesn’t have to know about this.

 

I immediately find where she hides her piggy bank and slip my loose change in there. Yes, I am the one slipping money inside her piggy bank. No matter how many times she says she’s doing fine and that she’ll figure everything out, I just don’t believe her. I can’t just let myself look at her go through something and not help. She won’t figure it out. Kim Dahyun is about to find out about her situation anyway. After all of that happens, I’ll be in peace because I know someone will be there to help her through this hard time. 

 

I stare at the piggy bank and slide the money in. I smile. It’s the thought that counts, right? Not all feelings are supposed to be reciprocated back, I just came too late in their lives I guess. She has Dahyun now, I don’t have to worry about her. Maybe liking her from afar is the best way for me to guard my heart. 

 

KIM DAHYUN’S POINT OF VIEW 

 

“Sana…” I trail off, I feel this disappointment creep on me. It’s eating me inside, I don’t know what to feel, it’s as if I have just been punched in the gut. A strong punch, the type of punch that blows the wind right out of you. I just stand there, I can’t believe what I am witnessing. 

 

“What are you doing here?” Sana seemed flustered, a lot more flustered than I was. The look of embarrassment is painted all over her face, I can tell. Her eyes were wide, her cheeks were flushed, and she seemed to have become frozen. She just stood there, her palms lay flat on the counter, is it for support? 

 

“What are you doing here?” I asked her, I was confused with what I was seeing. She just rolls her sleeve up and looks at her wrist watch. Her jaws were clenched and it seems like she’s a little annoyed because of my presence. 

 

“My shift finishes in 5 minutes.” She says this with a distasteful tone. I know what she meant, but I still stared. I didn’t understand what was happening, it’s just so noisy. My head right now, it’s noisy. There are so many questions but she knows better, it was the best that I just walked myself outside. None of my questions would be answered if I try to push more. 

 

Not more than five minutes of waiting later, Sana emerges outside of the convenience store. She seemed tired, worn out and just in general not in the mood to talk. I just stare at her. I felt her frustration, why did I have to come at her so strongly? I could have just been more gentle. She stared at me, I saw her sigh. This isn’t a good sign. 

 

“Let’s get out of here. My treat.”  I smile at her for the first time today, she doesn’t smile but she just nods. The both of us, didn’t really talk. We just walked silently to the nearest snack tent. It seemed as if her soul had left her body, she looked pale and just dead. It seemed as if she was dead inside. 

 

Thankfully the snack tent wasn’t packed, this made me a little comfortable. At Least she can hear things a lot more clearly around here. She doesn’t really talk, she would just nod and smile. Is she okay? Is she embarrassed? I don’t even know what’s going on with her. 

 

“So, care to tell me what’s up with you lately?” I ask her, my tone seemed a little too sarcastic which made Sana lookup, she was half way through her food. She just had this look on her face, is it distaste? I don’t know. There are a lot of things that I do not know at this point in my life. 

 

“Well, you saw what you saw. I don’t have to tell you anything that you can decipher yourself.” She replies coldly. I’ve never seen her like this before. I have been fooling around with her for quite some time now but never have I ever encountered her like this before. It surprised me, this isn’t something that she does. 

 

“Huh.” I sigh to myself, it just doesn’t seem like she is glad that she saw what I saw. I just nod and signal her to finish her food. 

 

“Cool.” She replies as she continues to dig in her food. I just continue to observe her, not saying a word. It seemed like she noticed this and looked straight at me. “What is it?” she asked. 

 

“Finish your food first and we talk.” I tell her frankly and that’s when she sets her food aside and she gave me this look. She seemed emotionless, just tired of everything. 

 

“So, what is it?” She asked, this time she sounds a little calmer than she seemed before. But still, a little too plain sounding for Minatozaki Sana.

 

“To be honest I don’t know what’s happening to you.” I start. It’s true, it’s as if the both of us have become distant. It just doesn’t feel right, everything about this just feels so alien to me. 

 

“Same. I’ve got no clue too.” She replies sarcastically, so I just stare at her. 

 

“You’re being sarcastic I don’t even know why you’re acting like this. I’m just asking you a simple question. Why are you being difficult?” I asked her, words just kept coming, I couldn’t help it. Sana was being difficult, I don’t even know why she’s so upset? 

 

“First of all, I don’t owe you anything Kim Dahyun. I don’t get to know anything about your personal life and you get to know anything about mine.” She replies back and to be honest, her words hurt. Her words hurt because they were true. 

 

“Well, who’s the stupid punk who said that? Who ever said I don’t get to do that?” I ask her in defense, I just think she needs to hear me out. I want to know. 

 

“You’re the stupid punk, Kim Dahyun.” She gives me the side-eye, that’s when it hit me. I am the stupid punk, I was the one who set all the boundaries, and now I regret everything. 

 

“Yeah?” I ask, I was obviously beaten.

 

“Yeah. Quit asking, all of this is tiring. It’s almost 1 in the morning, what the hell are we doing here?” She asked. 

 

“No. Not yeah. The opposite. I want the opposite.” I try to protest. 

 

“What are you trying to say? What opposite?” I can hear frustration in her voice. Sana wasn’t pleased, I know she’s about to lose it. 

 

“I want to erase everything. Let’s trash all the agreement.” I tell her, I know I wasn’t thinking properly. The agreement was made because we both want to establish boundaries. Though she was hesitant of the things I was trying to propose, she eventually agreed. I...I don’t know what to do anymore. All of this is frustrating and confusing. 

 

“What? You think it’s that easy?” She snorts, she had this look of mockery written all over her face. I just had to look at her, I needed to respond to her properly. 

 

“Yeah, I’m saying it’s trash. We’re putting it in the trash, that’s where the agreement belongs.” I smile. She just stared at me, she looked dumbfounded which made me feel a little off. “Why are you looking at me like that?” I ask her. 

 

“Why do you think, Kim Dahyun?” She asked me sternly. 

 

“I don’t know.” I answered her, truthfully this time. I really don’t know. 

 

“You’re so full of yourself that you don’t even understand why I am upset.” She says this calmly. 

 

“I don’t know what you’re feeling. I’m not some mind reader, if you want me to know just tell me.” I answer back. 

 

“You don't need me to tell you what’s wrong. You should’ve figured it out the moment you started opening your mouth.” She replies back. 

 

“What the hell are you talking about? What’s going on?” I ask her, my frustration growing more every second I spend with her.

 

“You’re so full of yourself.” She looks me in the eye, she said this so distastefully. My jaws clenched because of what I had heard. 

 

“Where is all of this coming from?” I ask her, trying to figure out where things went wrong. “We were just talking about what’s been happening to you and trashing the agreement. That’s it, why are we fighting?” I ask her, my heart beating fast in frustration. 

 

“You have the nerve to ask me where all of this is coming from?” She asks, I was just so confused. I do not understand what was going on, nothing was clicking inside my head. 

 

“What else am I supposed to do, Sana? What do you want me to do? Tell me so I can do something right!” I raised my voice at her. I see her change facial expression, she seemed taken aback that I raised my voice at her. This is the first time that this has ever happened, she just stared at me. Her cheeks were flushed, I can see that her jaws were slightly clenched. 

 

“Why are you asking? You’ve never asked me about my day before. We just meet, do it and get it over with. We never sleep over. That’s it. Why are you being so curious?” She asked.

 

“I’m concerned.” I tell her honestly. 

 

“We hook up, concern isn’t exactly something that should be involved in whatever relationship we have.” She replies. I just stared at her, I felt her words. They were bitter, like black bile sliding through my tongue down to my esophagus. I feel everything. 

 

“That’s why I want to revoke our agreement.” I answered her, my feet felt cold and I felt jittery. 

 

“Revoke? This isn't a Visa application, Dahyun.” She  replies wittily. 

 

“No, what I meant is…” I trail off, trying to figure out the right words to say.

 

“You know what this is all about? This is all about convenience.” She chuckles, a distasteful chuckle. She wasn’t pleased at all.

 

“What are you talking about?” I ask her. 

 

“You want things to go easy for you. Have you ever thought what I would feel?” She asks me. 

 

What does any of this have to do with convenience? What the hell does she even mean? I just, I just want to be with her. Why is she being so difficult? Why is she swerving so much? None of this is making sense. I just wish I would know what’s going on inside that head of hers. I just feel so helpless and trapped right now. I don’t know how to respond to all her draining inquiries. 

 

“I just want to know what’s going on. I’m confused to see you there, working at the convenience store. I have so many questions inside my head right now.” I answered her properly, I was sad because I honestly thought she’d tell me things. I kind of expected she’d do that, I mean, I kind of expected that to happen lately.

 

“You’ve prevented me from kissing you on the lips, I can’t even hug you, you never liked being cuddled, we can never sleep over, and we don’t even ask each other’s condition. You’ve told me this, right? You knew I liked you from the get-go, you knew. That’s why when you offered me this arrangement, I agreed immediately.” She was me in the eye intently when she said this, I feel as if my heart has sunk. 

 

“I know, I know the things that we’ve agreed on.”  I tell her. 

 

“For months I felt empty, I may be hooking up with you but it felt like this vicious repetitive cycle. You've always been adamant of keeping things separate. I’ve built walls, Kim Dahyun. Walls that are difficult to build. Over time, I just learned to enjoy and just set my feelings aside for you. I have been trying, Kim Dahyun. I’ve always understood you.” Her voice cracked, that’s when tears started to fall from her eyes. Seeing her cry made me break from the inside. 

 

“Sana...I’m so sorry.” That was all I could mutter.

 

“How can you be so selfish and just kiss me like that? Do you think you can do anything you want because I have feelings for you? You are unable to think about what others would feel because you’re only concerned about what you feel. You are selfish and you are ignorant.”  She sniffs. “Do you think I’m easy? Do you think I am someone you could just order around? I am more than just someone you can sleep with.” She cries even harder. 

 

I stared at her, her words were like bullets. Her words shot me, they hurt and I don't know what to say and what to do. Everything that came out of is true, I am selfish and I love convenience. I am ignorant and I can’t do anything right. I am nothing and I act like I am everything. I just stared at her, she looked lovely as usual but this time the sight of her was heart wrenching. I feel as if my heart was torn into millions of pieces, I’ve never felt this way before. Tears were streaming down her eyes. 

 

“Sana, I didn’t know you felt this way.” That was all that I could say, my voice broke. I am an for not knowing the right words. 

 

“Well, now you know.” She replied, she seemed tired. “I don’t want to see you for a while Kim Dahyun. Let’s not meet alone for a while.” She stood up and took off. I just stared at her as she walked off. 

 

Just like that, I was alone.I was left in the snack tent all alone.I slumped down, I never knew I had become the toxic one. I never knew that she felt that way. All this time, all I thought about was how to avoid having feelings for her but because of my own precautions, I am now alone. I’ve lost her. How can life be such a ? Why did I catch feelings now that she doesn’t want me?