Telling Joonha had been the easy part.  However, Jinki still had to find a way to break it to Madame Kim that he was leaving.  While she always pestered Jinki about going back to visit his family, he knew she thought of him as her own blood and would hate to see him leave.  Likewise, he hated to leave her. She meant more to him that he could put into words. She was truly like a mother to him and he loved her dearly. She was so important to his life; he feared it would be just as painful to separate from her as it had been to be parted from his real mother. 

     He hadn’t the heart to tell Taemin yet either.  He had figured it would be easier to tell them together.  However, he questioned that decision now as he felt like he was walking to the guillotine rather than the kitchens with a happy, oblivious Taemin by his side. 

     The kitchens were as busy as usual, but rather than being comforting, the intoxicating smells made him feel nauseous and the noises made his head ache. 

     “Jinki dear, are you alright?  Are you ill?” Madame Kim asked; her eyes worried as she took in his haggard appearance and lack of appetite. 

     “I-- umm… can you sit down?  I have something to say,” Jinki said, squaring his shoulders and building his resolve.

     “Oh dear,” the woman muttered, wiping her hands off on her apron before grabbing Jinki’s hand and settling herself in the seat beside him.

     “What’s wrong, hyung?” Taemin asked, his food sat, forgotten before him.

     “I— I am returned to my family in a week's time,” Jinki finally said.

     “Oh Jinki, that’s wonderful!  Your poor mother has been missing you for far too long.  How long will you be gone? When do you leave? I will prepare you a feast!  It is a long trip, is it not? Tell me and I will prepare everything you need,” she said, ready to jump up and begin preparations.

     Jinki couldn’t bring himself to smile as he laid a calming hand on her arm, “I think you misunderstood, I am not… I’m not just visiting.  I am leaving the palace.”

     The hustle and bustle around them hadn’t subsided but a deafening silence overcame the three, lost in their own bubble of emotion.

     “Hyung… why?” Taemin asked, his voice shaky and unstable. 

     “I need a change.  You both know that I am no longer happy here and I wish to spend time with my family again.  It has been many years. I miss them terribly and everyday here seems to be harder than the day before.  I feel my time here is coming to an end,” Jinki explained. How could he stay when the one he loved was to marry another?  

     “I’m not stupid, hyung!  This is all about her, isn’t it?  You are leaving us because of some noble-blooded  who trampled on your heart,” Taemin’s words were like acid spilling out.  The hurt was obvious in his eyes but his anger lashed out instead.

     “Taemin!” Jinki said.  He hadn’t thought such words could come from Taemin; he was such a kind, mild-mannered child.   

     “I’m glad she’s marrying that horrible Lord.  She never deserved someone like you in the first place,” Taemin spat out, stomping from the room earning more than a few curious glances from the others in the kitchen. 

     Jinki felt like he had been slapped in the face.  It seemed he simply couldn’t win. If he stayed he would be miserable and if he left he would make those he cared for miserable.  Madame Kim pulled him into a tight hug, cooing softly into his hair, “He doesn’t mean that; he’s just upset. He’s just a pup, he doesn’t understand.” 

     Jinki nodded weakly against her chest but the tears welled up.  He hadn’t expected that reaction from Taemin. “You aren’t going to ask?” he whispered.

     “Ask what?”

     “Don’t—“ His voice was clogged with unshed tears.

     “There’s nothing to ask, my dear.  Have you forgotten? I am Madame Kim and I have known you since you were a small boy.  I knew where you heart was long before yourself was aware,” she whispered against his ear.

     “Was I so transparent?” He asked, pulling away to look up into her warm smile.

     “No, darling.  I’m just that good,” she said, trying to lighten the mood.

     “Do you feel the same?  Do you think me stupid for allowing this to happen?”

     “No, Jinki.  And neither does Taemin.  He is but a child. He has no concept of love and the power it wields over us all.  The heart wants what the heart wants and it knows no bounds.”

     “I’m just trying to— it hurts.  Counting the days til she is wed to another.  Equal parts hoping and dreading that she will walk into the stables, needing to see her and knowing I will never move on if I see her face again,” Jinki tried to explain but there were no words for the pain and longing that warred inside of him.  

     “You poor child.  She feels as you do?”

     Jinki nodded. 

     “This a sad world we live in.  For two people to find love in each other is rare indeed.  Tis a cruel twist of fate to keep you separated,” she held him close, rocking gently to soothe his weary soul.  “You feel it best? To leave?”

     “What else can I do?  I feel my very soul is dying within me.  I cannot change this fate; I must learn to live with it.  I just want to get away, for the palace, from this part of my life, from…her.  It is too painful.”

     “Then go.  But know there will always be a place for you here.  I shall miss you,” she gave him a firm squeeze.

     “I will miss you too,” Jinki said.  He would miss them all.

~~~

     It took a few days for Taemin to come around.  The calendar ticking closer and closer to the day Jinki would depart and soon enough the younger decided to lay aside his resentment and make peace.

     “Want to eat lunch together today, hyung?” Taemin asked, his voice soft and meek as he leaned over the stall door where Jinki was working. 

     Jinki blinked at him in surprise, “I would like that,” Jinki agreed.

     Taemin nodded.

     “Don’t you think we should talk first?” Jinki asked, a soft, understanding smile pulling at his lips.

     “I was kind of hoping we could skip over that part,” Taemin mumbled, digging the toe of his boot into the dirt and avoiding Jinki’s eye.

     “I’d like it if we didn’t,” Jinki said, his words soft and kind.

     Taemin nodded again, stepping to the side so Jinki could exit the stall.  Following silently behind as Jinki lead the way to the hayloft for a bit of privacy.  They settled down in the soft hay, both a little apprehensive to speak.

     “I am really sorry, hyung.  I shouldn’t have said those things,” Taemin finally blurted out.

     “I know you didn’t mean them.  It’s okay.”

     “It’s not okay.  I was being hurtful,” Taemin frowned.

     “Because you were hurt.  I understand,” Jinki responded.

     “Thank you hyung, for understanding.  I just feel really close with you and it is hard to think of you leaving.  But I was being selfish, I know that. You have to do what is best for you,” Taemin said, showing maturity beyond his age.  Perhaps Madame Kim had gotten to him first and softened the edges of his hurt.

     “Thank you, Taemin.  Please know it’s hard for me to leave here.  You are like a brother to me. You are a part of my life, my family here at the palace and I will miss you dearly.  And I don’t want you to feel ill will towards Miss Gwiboon either, tis not her fault. She— she wanted us to try. She wanted to fight for us.  It was I who resisted, who pushed her into his arms. She is not at fault. She is doing what’s best for her, and I for me. Please understand that,” Jinki explained.

     “You two love each other and you are just going to walk away?  Do you really believe that is best?” Taemin asked, skepticism in his tone. 

     “Yes.  You are young, Taemin, you may not understand but Miss Gwiboon... she does not belong in this life.  She was born of privilege and she deserves more than I could ever give her,” Jinki explained, his voice trailing off.  

     “Perhaps you are right and I am too young to understand but… if you both desire to be together I see no reason why you cannot.  You say you are doing what is best but you are both miserable. I’ve seen her, there is no love or happiness in her eyes when she is with Lord Jonghyun.  Miss Gwiboon is pledging her life to a man she cares not for and you are giving up a life and a job you were once so passionate about in order to flee from your problems.”

     Jinki sighed, “It probably seems that way, doesn’t it?  I just… I love her. And I want her to have the best life, the life she deserves.  Being with me would bring shame upon her and her whole family. Her family needs this marriage.  How could her younger sister ever find a reputable marriage with this blemish to their name? Lord Jonghyun can provide her family with security and a name associated with status and power.  Her and her whole family will be cared for in a manner they are accustomed to. She may feel that love is enough to deal with the consequences but… I do not share that confidence. She loves her family as I love mine, as you love yours and it would hurt her deeply to cause them such troubles and pain.  I fear she will grow to resent me if I give into our childish whims. I know I shall be happy and satisfied for the rest of my days, but I am not sure she will feel the same in the future. I can think of no greater pain than the one I love to grow hateful and bitter towards me for the life she is forced to live,” Jinki explained, he felt disconnected from his emotions anymore.  The words no longer hurt to think, to say. They were the truth. He had started to accept them as such.

     Taemin was silent and pensive for a moment, processing Jinki’s words, “I guess I see what you mean but… you are still running away because of fear, are you not?  Have you spoken to Miss Gwiboon about how you feel? She does not seem like the kind of woman who would be happy about you making decisions for her,” Taemin argued back, growing passionate in his disagreement with Jinki’s decision.

     Jinki smiled sadly, “You are correct.  I have not spoken to her of these fears for that very reason.  She would disregard my words, too blinded to see into the future.”

     “You can’t see in the future either, hyung.  You are speculating. Maybe she does love you enough to withstand all the problems.  You will never know if you don’t try.”

     “Thank you Taemin, but I’m afraid my decision has been made,” Jinki’s words holding a sense of finality.

     “I wish you would reconsider,” the younger grumbled.

     “Taemin, even if I were to pursue Miss Gwiboon, we would have to leave the city, go far away where we are not known,” Jinki reminded him gently.  

     “I know but… at least then you would be happy,” Taemin said.  “You leaving wouldn’t be so bad if I knew you were happy.”

     “I wish I could be as idealistic as you, my young friend.  Now, I feel we have both said our piece. I do not wish to leave here with any unresolved anger between us,” Jinki said.

     “Of course, hyung.  I shall miss you terribly but I wish you well.”

     “And I, you.  We shall keep in touch, all right?  Joon is a dear friend of mine. Please seek him out when he returns to the palace, he will relay any message you ask of him.”

     “I will, hyung,” Taemin said.

     “Good.  Now! Let’s go enjoy a meal, I am starved,” Jinki said, his smile genuine for the first time in ages as he followed Taemin back down the ladder and towards the kitchens to enjoy one of his last meals with his palace family. 

~~~

     It was Jinki’s last day at the palace, the stable hands all enjoying a meal and pints of ale as a farewell celebration.  Madame Kim had outdone herself as usual, the meal extravagant by commoner standards. The table was heavy with slabs of meat and baked goods Jinki had never even had the pleasure of tasting before.  The moment was bittersweet at best. It was a kind gesture and he appreciated it but it was hard to leave. He had spent so many years of his life here, practically growing up under Madame Kim’s guidance.  His life was here. He was excited to see his family again but he would miss his family that lived here in the capital as well. They spent the time laughing and celebrating, Jinki’s inevitable departure far from their minds as they all enjoyed one last night together.  When he bid them all goodbye, a heartfelt embrace was shared with those he was closest with, Joonha, Madame Kim and Taemin. Madame Kim was a blubbering mess, wiping her eyes on her apron and pulling him into hug after hug. He savored each one.

     Goodbyes were hard, but staying would be harder.