Jinki knew he had done the right thing, the only thing.  However, everything inside him ached to take it all back, to grab her hand and ride off together forever.  His mind told him how stupid that was, but his heart, his soul begged for it because what is life without happiness or love?  Everything inside him hurt. His heart and soul ached for the relief only she could provide him. 

     Jinki began to draw into himself as the days dragged on.  It was just too much; too hard to try and act like everything was okay when it was irrevocably not.  Miss Gwiboon was no longer coming to the stables, further convincing Jinki that she had finally accepted the reality of the situation.  It was another stab to his fragile heart but he had expected it. He had hoped for it. Seeing each other was too hard on them both anyway.  This was better. The distance, it was necessary for them to be able to go on. 

     The only problem was that everything seemed to remind him of her.  The clacking of boots resounding through the stables, the howl of the wind, the snow banks twinkling in the sunlight.  It was a simple and nasty turn of fate that he was put in charge of exercising Cheonsa through the winter. Everyday, he had to enter the stall where he first declared his love for her, where they shared their first kiss, where it all started.  However, he was reminded daily of her in everything that he did anyway, what was one more reminder?   

     The cold weather reflecting on his feelings, bitter and biting.  The nights long and the days longer as Jinki toiled at the palace daily with dead, lifeless eyes.  He threw himself into his work, hoping to distract from his mind and his heart from the endless battle raging inside himself.  He could feel the worry shot his way. Taemin did his best to be cheerful and happy, offering his help in any way he could and filling the silence with chatter.  Likewise, Madam Kim began to fuss over him more and more, tutting at how his muscular frame was starting to look haggard and aged, and pulling him into a motherly hug whenever she could. 

     Each day seemed to blend in with the next, Jinki did not have the desire to even keep up with the calendar.  What was the use? His life was a perpetual winter and he had resigned to simply live in it. As painful as life was, he dreaded the upcoming spring even more.  Spring, the season of celebration of new life, Gwiboon’s new life. Jinki didn’t have much to celebrate.

     “Jinki!” the call rang loud and clear through the empty stables.  Jinki jumped a bit as he was wrenched from his thoughts. He turned at the call, forcing a smile on his face.

     “Ah!  Sir Minho!  I did not know you were at the palace,” Jinki greeted him with a polite bow.

     “Yes, I had some palace business to attend to.  These are dark times, my friend. The borders again,” He sighed, “The work of a knight is never done I am afraid.”

     “Would you like—” Jinki began but was cut off.

     “Lord Jonghyun,” Minho said in greeting, his eyes locked on the man behind Jinki.

     “Minho,” Jonghyun’s reply felt colder than the snow outside.

     “How— how are you?” Minho asked, his tone uncertain.

     “Can we not do this?  We have said all there is to be said,” Jonghyun remarked, not seeming to care that they were not alone.  

     Minho nodded, dejected and painted with hurt.  The sound of Lord Jonghyun’s boots echoed through the hallway as he proceeded on his way.  

     “Sir Minho, I--” Jinki didn’t know what to say.  He wanted to admit his knowledge of the situation, to offer his condolences.  However, he knew the knight would not appreciate such a secret being out, even to one as lowly as he.  Jinki could never admit to how he’d overheard either… that would be admitting to his time alone with Miss Gwiboon as well.  “May I take Goin for you?” Jinki finally asked.

     “Yes, thank you,” Sir Minho responded.  Embarrassment colored his cheeks but Jinki pretended not to see.

     They were two sides of the same coin.  Different in every way, but they shared a common core.  Both of them were pining for a love they were not destined to have.  Both of them were denying their heart for the sake of another. Both of them were miserable.  It was comforting to know he wasn’t alone in his pain but it didn’t alleviate the sadness inside himself.  Their situations were hopeless.   

~~~

     “So, you know?”

     Jinki looked up from his work to find none other than Lord Jonghyun glaring at him.  Like usual, the Lord carrying around an air of importance and power that made Jinki feel uncomfortable.  However, today his face was set into an ugly scowl, not even attempting to mask his emotions. 

     “Whatever do you mean my Lord?” Jinki responded, polite and guarded.

     “Do not play dumb with me.  I spoke with Gwiboon. She told me that the two of you heard,” Lord Jonghyun sounded angry, annoyed at Jinki’s lack of forthcoming words.

     “Ay, that is correct,” Jinki confirmed, turning back to his task as if the conversation was finished.

     “Tell me why?” Jonghyun demanded.

     “Why?” Jinki’s tone shot up in question.  

     “Why did you keep it a secret?  She told me all. I know of you and Gwiboon.  I know your dislike for me that started long before she arrived at the palace.  You could have ruined me but you kept my secret safe. Why?” Jonghyun’s tone still angry but it was tinged with fear. 

     “You are to marry Miss Gwiboon.  Why would I tarnish the reputation of the one destined to protect her?  Would I not only be hurting her in the process?” Jinki shot back. He struggled to keep his voice even but something told him that Jonghyun cared little for politeness or class differences during such a conversation.

     “You truly have no plans to pursue her?” Jonghyun questioned, confusion coloring his expression.

     “I have nothing to offer her.  Being associated with me will only bring her shame and dishonor,” Jinki said, a difficult thing to admit to another but it was truth.

     “And happiness,” Jonghyun quipped.

     “Happiness is fleeting,” Jinki snapped.

     “Love and happiness are eternal,” Jonghyun said.

     “We are of different worlds, my lord.  I cannot take Miss Gwiboon from her life of decadence and power and ask her to live humbly beside me, working til her dying day for something as situational as happiness.  She deserves better and she shall have it,” the words hurt Jinki to say. To vocalize why he couldn’t ask Miss Gwiboon to stay with him. In order for them to be together, she had to give up everything.  The only sacrifice came from her while Jinki reaped the rewards. It was too much to ask of the one he loved.

     “You care deeply for her.  I can see that,” Jonghyun said with a nod of confirmation.

     “I do,” Jinki whispered.

     “And therefore you must hate me.  Knowing that she shall marry me when there is no love or feelings between us.  Knowing that I get the one you love when I cannot and will not show her the love and emotion that you can.”

     “Aye, I do,” Jinki said once again.

     Jonghyun’s lips quirked into a smile at Jinki’s honest words.  “I cannot blame you. I would feel the same if Sir Minho were to take a wife.  For what it’s worth, I will care for her like a sister. Miss Gwiboon has become a dear friend to me, someone I am growing to trust.  You needn’t worry about her wellbeing. While I cannot give her true happiness, I can give her family security and I can give her a life of status and power.  She shall be cared for and respected.”

     “I cannot ask for more,” Jinki whispered, his head hung low.

     “I am— I am sorry, Jinki.  The world we live in is unfair.  I wish, for both our sakes, that things were different.  That we could both be with the ones we love,” the raw honesty in his words was so foreign.

     “You aren’t such a bad person, Lord Jonghyun.  Forgive me for thinking ill of you all this time,” Jinki said.  He was starting to see how Lord Jonghyun wore a mask much like Giwboon.  He knew that Lord Jonghyun would never be a man he would like, but he was becoming a man Jinki could trust and respect.  

     “Thank you Jinki, but by all means, hate me if it will make the pain easier to bear,” Jonghyun responded with a crooked, friendly smile.  The first smile Jinki had seen on the Lord that didn’t look fake or forced. 

     Jinki’s lips upturned a bit at that, “I think I will, but it will be so much harder now, knowing the truth.”

     “The truth does not always change things.  You know this as well as I,” Jonghyun replied, giving Jinki a nod before walking away, leaving him alone with his thoughts.  

~~~

     The land was beginning to thaw, the snow melting and early spring flowers poking out from the damp earth.  Spring was upon them and Jinki would usually be grateful. This year however, the date of Miss Gwiboon’s wedding loomed over him like a dark cloud.  Each passing day meant it was that much closer, that much more real. Each passing day meant his heart sunk deeper and deeper into the black abyss of despair.  

     “Hyung?” Taemin called soft and gentle.

     “Yes?” Jinki responded, his tone weary, sounding far older than he really was.   

     “Remember what I said before?  You can always talk to me,” the younger told him, laying a comforting hand against his shoulder.

     Jinki’s lips upturned into a fond smile, the light not quite reaching his eyes, “Thank you Taemin, but there isn’t anything you can do.”

     “But maybe it would help to talk about it?  Do you need to take some time off to rest? We can talk to Joonha hyung.  I’ll help cover your workload! I just want you to get better hyung.”

     “Thank you Taemin.  I appreciate it, I really do.  There isn’t anything to be done though so please, do not worry about it,” Jinki tried to smile.  The motion felt foreign to his muscles now. He was sure smiling used to be natural to him but not anymore. 

     “Hyung, there is always something.  Tell me what’s wrong and maybe I can help you—”

     “Taemin,” Jinki groaned in frustration.

     “Hyung, nothing is impossible,” Taemin said, concern painted clearly on his face.  

     “I wish I were as optimistic as you.  Thank you, Taemin. Truely. I’m sorry for worrying you so.  I am going to go take my break,” Jinki said, ignoring the fact that it was still early morning and he still had work to do.  He needed space.

     Taemin nodded in understanding, a sigh of frustration falling from his lips.  Jinki ruffled his hair affectionately, giving his a small smile.  

     Jinki found himself on the roof once again, paintbrush in hand and a blank canvas, endless possibilities in his mind but his hand remained stationary.  What was the point? Drawing picture after picture that he would end up burning out of sheer annoyance? Putting his emotions into a painting wasn’t helping him sort out his emotions.  They were already sorted just fine. It wasn’t helping him deal with his emotions because what was there to deal with? All it was doing was helping him to hold onto his pain, using it to fuel his muse when what he truly needed was to let it go.  He had to let it go. It was literally killing him from the inside out. With an unsatisfied sigh, he left his canvas untouched, as bare as his soul.

~~~

     The date of the wedding inched closer, neither Gwiboon nor Lord Jonghyun made an appearance at the stables, but still, the gossip met his ears at every turn.  Lord Jonghyun was getting married .  The conniving snake was settling down with one woman, proclaiming it before God and man.  It was making his sick to his stomach. In the end, Jinki did the only thing he could; he decided to remove himself from the picture, anything to ease the suffering.

     “Hyung, I have something to discuss with you,” Jinki said, his voice strong, full of resolve.

     “What is it, Jinki?”

     “I plan to leave the palace.  I want to return home to see my family,” Jinki informed him.

     “Ay, it has been many years, has it not?” Joonha responded, not showing even a hint of surprise.

     “It has.”

     “Is that the only reason?” Joonha questioned, a knowing look in his eyes.

     “I—”

     “You do what you must.  Take your time, there will always be a position open to you at the palace.”

     “Thank you, hyung.”

     “I expect you to finish out the week but then you are free to leave or stay,” The elder said.

     “I understand,” Jinki nodded, the tension in his shoulders releasing.  Joonha knew all, he had expected this and wasn’t going to argue or try to get Jinki to reconsider.  

     “And Jinki,” He called out as Jinki made to leave the stable office.

     “Yes?”

     “Don’t leave until you have closed that door entirely.  Say your piece to whomever need to hear it. Do not leave until it is resolved.  It is cowardly to run from your problems,” Joonha said, his sage advice hitting Jinki to his core.  He nodded in understanding, heart heavy with the task Joonha had laid on him but for the first time in months he had hope, and a future to look forward to. 

     He was going to see his family again.