The cold that gripped the land felt ominous of Jinki’s life.  He wouldn’t say he was avoiding Miss Gwiboon, but there was a tangible barrier between them that hadn’t existed before.  Even when they were alone, Jinki kept more of a distance, both physical and mental. Every touch was hesitant and he took pains to keep his speech polite at all times.  The cold made it harder to find time alone anyway. Miss Gwiboon was not stupid nor Jinki blind to the hurt in her eyes. Jinki hated it. He hated it so much but what else could he do?  In an instant their euphoric bubble had been shattered by reality, she wasn’t his; she was going to marry another man. She was going to have a life, a family with someone who wasn’t Jinki.  This dangerous little affair they were toying with was going to end. They had been playing with fire from the very beginning and Jinki was just now realizing that he would be engulfed in flames if he continued.   

     He knew they should talk, be mature about the situation and get on the same page, but Jinki just couldn’t.  He knew how this ended and he wanted to delay the inevitable as long as possible. She was not oblivious to his change in demeanor, her smile falling each time he turned down her offer to go riding, claiming he had work to do and did not have time.  She didn’t push him for answers, just sighing in tired understanding. It only served to make him feel worse.  

     “Jinki,” Joonha’s sharp call pulled Jinki from his thoughts.  He had a tendency to do that these days, drifting off into his own mind, reliving each painful and wonderful moments they had shared and stressing about the future.  It was distracting and he knew it was obvious to anyone at this point. 

     “Yes, hyung?”

     “Come,” the elder commanded, leading him to the tack room, shutting the door behind them before fixing Jinki with a hard stare, “Talk.”

     “What?” Jinki said.  Joonha had always been a man of few words.

     “What is bothering you boy?  It’s eating you alive. Get it out.  Talk,” he commanded again.

     “Hyung I— I’m fine,” Jinki started to argue, panic spreading through his veins.  Joonha couldn’t know. No one could know. What Jinki and Gwiboon were doing was dangerous.  It could ruin them both. If Joonha had figured it out then who else might have as well? 

     “And I’m not stupid,” the elder said dryly.  

     “Hyung I know I’ve been rather distracted lately.  I’m sorry. I’ll do better,” Jinki responded but the words were tight in his throat. 

     “It’s about her, isn’t it?” Joonha uttered, his voice dropping lower.

     “Her?” Jinki focused on keeping his voice and his breathing even, failing on both counts.  

     “Jinki, I said I’m not stupid,” Joonha glared in annoyance but his eyes remained understanding and Jinki could tell, Joonha already knew everything.  The elder could read him like a book after all these years, filling in the gaps with educated guesses to solve the puzzle.  

     “I— yes,” He whispered, his whole body sagging at the confession.  The weight of hiding the truth vanished from his weary shoulders. He would have been relieved but there was too much pain in the truth for that. 

     “How long?”

     “Not long.  A fortnight?  We both— the feelings have been there far longer but we tried to keep them in check.”

     “No one has seen you?”

     “No one,” Jinki confirmed.

     “You haven’t told anyone?”

     “No one.”

     “What do you plan to do?”

     Jinki’s silence seemed to serve as the answer Joonha was looking for.  

     “I heard she is to marry Lord Jonghyun?” Joonha said.

     “Yes.  It has not been announced officially but… yes.” The words tasted foul on his tongue.  He hated to even think the truth, let alone have to say it aloud.

     Joonha nodded, laying a comforting hand on Jinki’s shoulder, “You already know what will become of the two of you.  If you truly care for her then don’t risk her reputation, it will only make things harder once the inevitable comes.”  Joonha slipped from the room leaving Jinki with his thoughts. 

~~~

     Jinki was not surprised when Miss Gwiboon announced her intentions to visit her family’s manor once again.  She must announce their intent to marry after all. Joonha looks at him with pity while relaying the message that he must once again accompany her to the northern city.  It appeared Lord Jonghyun couldn’t make it to the happy occasion so she would go alone. Unfortunately, or fortunately, that meant Jinki would be alone with Miss Gwiboon once again.  Something he had managed to avoid for quite some time now. The conversation with Joonha had served as a much-needed wake up call to Jinki. They were both risking so much for the most fleeting moment of happiness.  They both knew it was temporary, they both knew it must end before they were found out. The fragile web they had woven was now being tested, torn down by the realities of this world.  

     The morning was frigid and eerily quiet.  Neither of them spoke as Jinki went about preparing the carriage, his fingers numb from the cold and they hadn’t even left the stables yet.  He could hear the wind howling through the trees, promising a rough journey.  

     Jinki had prepared well for their trip.  The carriage packed to the brim with blankets and a few pieces of fur to help fight away the cold.  Madame Kim had really outdone herself with the food rations. Undoubtedly, the woman had not forgotten about the previous issues they had encountered while traveling.  

     “M’lady?  Are you ready to depart?” Jinki asked her, keeping things polite even though they were the only ones around.  

     Her teeth worrying her lip as she nodded, her usual attitude was gone, replaced by a meek, quiet woman who looked weary and aged beyond her years.  Without any fanfare they set off on the lengthy trip, Jinki lost in his own world of thoughts, unsure how this weekend was going to pan out. The bitter cold helped to distract him from the painful ball of emotion that was sitting on his chest; all too aware of how alone they were right now.

~~~

     The trip was dull and muted in comparison to the last.  The silence was deafening between them, neither seemed to know what to say or if they should even try.  The weather was dreary, the remnants of the past weeks slow dripping from the trees and making the ground soft and sludgy.  The only sound to be heard was the horses’ hooves squishing in the mud and the creaking of the carriage wheels. Jinki sat numb, his fingers stiff and his face felt frozen from the cold.  He could feel how the wind burn his cheeks, but still it wasn’t enough to distract from the mess within his mind. The hours ticked by, the weather making the trip take longer than last time.

     Jinki pulled his many layers tighter around his body, fruitlessly trying to block the wind when Miss Gwiboon startled him out of his thoughts.

     “Jinki.  Please stop the carriage.”

     “M’lady?  Is something wrong?”  Jinki asked. They were the first words she’d said to him all day and he clung to them like a lifeline.

     “Ay.”

     Jinki pulled the horses to a stop, jumping down from his perch and pulling the carriage door open.  

     “M’lady, whatever is the matter?”

     “Get inside, you are letting the warmth out,” She scolded.

     “M’lady, what is going on?” Jinki questioned, not making a move to follow her instructions.  

     “We are spending the night,” She said responded, her tone final.

     “Miss.  There is no need.  You shall be home soon enough,” Jinki said.

     “I said, we will spend the night.  The manor is not expecting us until daybreak,” she responded.

     “Miss Gwiboon,” Jinki began, fluster and wholly unsure what he was supposed to do in such a situation.  He was trying to avoid this woman and she was really not going to let him, was she?

     “Go tend to the horses,” She responded, pulling the door shut with an authoritative snap.  

     Jinki sighed, uncomfortable with how this evening was playing out.  With a heavy heart he set about pulling the carriage off the road, getting the horses tethered to a nearby tree and covering them with thick woolen blankets before giving them a healthy ration of oats for the night.  He wanted to stall, to delay the inevitable but it was too damn cold.  

     He knocked on the door, opening it once she responded.  He slid into the carriage, sighing in relief at the lack of wind biting at him.  Gwiboon passed his a few of the blankets, allowing him to get comfortable as the tension between them heightened.  

     “Miss Gwiboon, why are you doing this?”

     “You do not know?  I cannot stand you avoiding me for a moment longer,”  she said.

     “M’lady, I let my emotions get the better of me before and for that I apologize.  I have caused you shame and gambled with dangerous odds because of my selfishness.  I don’t plan to do it again,” Jinki’s words were calculated, planned. 

     “And why is it your decision alone?  My reputation is not your concern, Lee Jinki.  I made a choice that day too and unlike you, I meant every word!” Her words bled with emotion.

     “M’lady thinks me insincere?” He questioned, a humorless smile pulling at his lips.  Everything he’d done was for her sake, because he was hopelessly in love and couldn’t bear the thought of his own status pulling her down or shaming her.  

     “You embrace me with passion one day only to shun me the next.  What conclusion should I draw from such actions?” she countered, her eyes daring him to deny it. 

     “Do you not understand, m’lady?  Are you so blind? We are not destined to be!  I cannot give you what you want, what you need.  There is no future for us. I selfishly reached for something beyond my ability to grasp and now I must suffer for my greed,” he said, all but pleading for her to understand.

     “You think me so dim?  That I do not understand what I am asking?  What I want is you, what I need is you. There is nothing else.  My station is questionable as is! All I have is my pride and I offer it to you!  Why must you make me beg?” Jinki’s heart clenched in pain. He could see it so clearly, just the two of them living in a cottage in a little town far away from here.  Simple pleasures— riding together, starting a family, growing old together with gray hair and happiness. He could see it and he wanted it so bad. He wanted to just take this carriage and flee together.  As beautiful as that picture was to him, he knew they couldn’t. She had a family and responsibilities of her own. He couldn’t ask her to sever all ties with her loved ones to come live a humble and low life as a peasant in the countryside.  She would be miserable and grow resentful of him. Their happiness would be short and worst of all; she could never go back. She would be a tainted woman, forever resigned to a servant, unable to return to her old life no matter how much she wanted it.  He couldn’t do that to the woman he loved. It was unfair. It was selfish. It wasn’t what she deserved. 

     “M’lady, do you not see?  You are to marry Lord Jonghyun.  You will have your station and your pride.  You can have it all!” He needed her to understand, to see reason.  It wasn’t that he didn’t want her. He did. So much it pained him. But her livelihood was more important than his happiness.

     “To marry a man who doesn’t care for me?  A man will always look to another forever?  I heard as well as you, don’t think me a fool.  I am not and will never be what he wants. Nor he what I want,” her voice was raw with honesty and unshed tears.

     “M’lady, marrying for love is a luxury few will ever know.  Fate is not on our side,” he responded softly, looking down at his hands and avoiding her gaze.

     “That is it?  You do not even try?” 

     “M’lady, I— I must do what is best for those I care about, my family, and you.  I jeopardize my family’s well being by daring to even think of you so. And I risk your reputation.  If any were to discover us, this… I could not protect you. What kind of man am I that I cannot protect the woman that I love?  You think me cowardly but for me, it is far more cowardly to risk so much for my own selfish desires when I have no ability to protect you.” 

     “There is nothing I can say, is there?  No way to change your thinking?” Her voice growing shaky.

     “M’lady, Gwiboon, love is not enough,” he whispered. 

     Jinki felt his heart shatter at the tears in her eyes.  She looked so defeated, as if her only hope was riding on this conversation and he had just stepped on it.  He felt his resolve weakening, the possibility of them being together swimming around in his head like a dangerous harpy.  He wanted it as much as she, his heart pleading for him to let go of his worries and embrace her like he longed to, like his fingers itched to.  They wanted each other and it was a cruel twist of fate that they were allowed to see how perfect they fit together before being ripped apart. 

     Jinki leaned forward, taking her hand in his, relishing how it made the butterflies flutter inside his chest, “Gwiboon, please understand me.  I want… I want to be with you so much it scares me. I never imagined I would ever meet a woman I was so enthralled with. And it hurts me in ways I didn’t know were possible to hurt because I cannot have you.  To know that you will give your hand, your heart, your body to another man, I feel so hurt and angered just by the thought but I have no right to. I long to embrace our childish drive to flee, run away where we could be free and happy and together.  But you know as well as I that we cannot. It is not our fate. What is best for you is to stay far away from the likes of me. I— I love you Kim Gwiboon, so I will make the decision you will not,” Jinki’s words hurt, burning his throat on their way up but he knew, deep inside himself it was necessary. 

     “Jinki—” the tears kept streaming down her face, hopelessness marring her perfect features.  Rather than pulling away, she flung her arms around him, tears wetting his neck, sliding down to collect at his collar as she sobbed, broken before him.  

     He held her close, savoring the moment for as long as it would last, letting her scent, her presence imprint on his memory forever as he whispered the only words he heart could muster up, “I’m sorry” and “I love you.”  

     She cried herself to sleep in his arms, Jinki holding her like she was the most precious thing in the world.  Jinki stayed up as long as he could, enjoying the feeling of her warm body pressed against his, arms looped around his waist and her cheek pressed into his shoulder.  He allowed himself to indulge, to enjoy the bittersweet moment and pepper her temple with tender kisses. No longer feeling the need to remain strong before her, he let his tears stream in silence down his face, as his eyelids grew heavier, pulling him into a dreamless sleep.

     At daybreak he slipped from her embrace, readying the horses and setting out once again for the Northern city, his heart empty and his mind blank. 

~~~

     Rather than enjoying himself in the new city like he had done the last time, he hid in the stables at Miss Gwiboon’s family manor.  He spend far more time than necessary caring for the horses before he found a dark, out of the way corner, sliding down to the floor, and allowing himself a quick nap to ease his exhausted mind.  He slipped away easily, his mind overworked and tired from all the newfound stress in his life.  

     He slept the afternoon away, startled awake by an unfamiliar stable boy shaking him and announcing that Miss Gwiboon was ready to return so it was time to prepare the horses.  Jinki went through the motions rather mechanically, still hazy from sleep. With the aid of a few of the stable workers, they had the carriage hitched and the horses prepared for the journey ahead of them.  Jinki drove the carriage to the front, waiting in patient silence despite the frigid cold for Miss Gwiboon to emerge. Mercifully, she didn’t keep him waiting long, her demeanor solemn and her eyes puffy, contrast to her family's joyful attitudes.  She let the page load the carriage with packages before getting inside herself. Jinki gave a nod to the other servants before setting off at a quick pace, eager to get home and out of this cold weather. Soon the city lights were behind them, entering the thick forest, heavy with darkness, the layer of snow making it feel eerily quiet. 

     Not a single word was shared between them during the trip back.