The first snow came that night, it was bitterly cold and made for a miserable morning. Sangchu protested leaving the warmth of his stall and the deep snow made for a long and unpleasant ride to the palace.  Jinki had spent all night tossing and turning, his heart heavy with longing and regret and his mind refused to let go, instead replaying the whole interaction over and over again. It was a restless night that left him tired and irritable and only fed into his bad mood all the more.  He couldn’t blame Gwiboon for her reaction. She had taken a big step, making herself vulnerable only to be turned down; he had bruised her pride and embarrassed her. He hadn’t meant to appear so callous; he had been shocked more than anything. He’d all but convinced himself that his feelings were one-sided because that kind of hope would have been too much for his heart to take.  It was so much harder to know that she felt as he did, that she saw him as a man, not just a commoner or a stable hand. It was harder because he couldn’t delude himself any longer, he couldn’t pretend or avoid reality. However, it still didn’t change anything, and that made it all the worse.

     Jinki hated the unfairness of it all. It wasn't uncommon for noblemen to take a mistress that was beneath their own class, but the rules that governed noblemen were far different from noblewomen.  If anyone suspected them… Gwiboon would be ruined. She would never be able to marry; her family wouldn’t recover from such a social fall. Gwiboon and her sister would probably be shipping off to a nunnery, never to be seen or heard from again. As for himself…. he would be lucky if all he lost was his job.  The reasons to stay away from each other were obvious, so why was it so difficult? Why couldn’t his heart accept what his mind knew so plainly? 

     Jinki knew she wouldn’t come to the stables again, not any time soon.  The snow was a good excuse for her to break her usual routine but Jinki knew that wasn’t the reason. She wasn’t one to wallow in self pity but rather to fuel herself with righteous anger.  He didn’t know what to do, how to handle such a situation. Jinki couldn’t fault her for avoiding him. He deserved to be ignored. He deserved her anger, her hatred. He deserved it all for allowing things to get so out of hand.  Despite it all, he… missed her. He’d grown accustomed to seeing her in the stables, talking and laughing together. She’d become a part of his life and the best part of his whole day.  

     The day felt so long with nothing to look forward to anymore and without any distractions from his blackened thoughts.  He felt so filled with contradicting emotions; happiness, sorrow, hope, guilt and fear. He didn’t know how to process any of it.  More than anything he felt… regret. This was for the best. They both knew that. They absolutely could not be together. It was against… nature.  A commoner and a noble? In love? It would be laughable if it weren’t so soul-crushingly real for Jinki. He knew he was making the best decision for them both, so why wasn’t it easier?  If it was the best thing for them both, why did it hurt so much?  

     He muddled through the morning in a fog, his mind too wrapped up in Gwiboon and their situation to think about his work.  His body worked off of muscle memory alone, getting through his chores without any of his usual enthusiasm.

     “Hyung?  Is everything okay?”

     Jinki jumped a bit a Taemin’s sudden question.  To be honest, Jinki hadn’t even realized the younger was there until he had spoken.  How long had Jinki been standing there? He was supposed to be cleaning out a stall but he’d been lost in his own head, leading against the pitchfork rather than putting it to use. 

     “Yes, Taemin.  I’m fine,” Jinki responded, straightening up and trying to shake himself out of his head, he had work to do, he needed to focus. 

     Taemin looked unconvinced but said nothing more on the matter.  What else could Jinki say? He couldn’t tell anyone what happened, it was his secret and his burden to bear. 

~~~

     Days passed and Jinki’s mood seemed to dwindle.  he couldn't focus on his work, he couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. He knew he'd made the right decision, but it weighed on him more and more with each day. The woman he loved hated him now, she never wanted to see him again. It was a level of despair that he didn't know how to handle. Every day he hoped to see her, he longed for any interaction with her.  Let her yell at him, let her use all of her anger on him as long as it meant he could see her again, be near her once more.  

     His darkened mood did not go unnoticed, he was irritable and snappish around the barns.  Most stable hands simply avoided him, only those closest to him dare speak to him when he was in such a state.  He spent more time than usual training the wild one, it was a good excuse to stay out of the stables and away from others however, the horse also picked up on his mood and was skittish and difficult.  Her lack of progress only further blackened his day.  

     He couldn’t go on like this but he had no idea how to let go.  Everything was still raw; fresh. His heart felt like an open wound inside his chest and it was impossible for him to do anything, to focus on anything but the intense sorrow that clutched his heart.  

~~~

     “Child whatever is wrong with you?  I haven’t seen anything but ale enter your mouth in days,” Madame Kim chide, her usual playful tone was absent, true concern shining in her eyes. 

     “I’m fine,” Jinki muttered, unconvincing even to his own ears.

     “He’s been like this all week, Madame Kim.  He won’t talk to anyone,” Taemin chirped, throwing Jinki to the wolves without a second thought; earning himself a glare from Jinki.  

     “What is it, my dear?” She pressed.

     “It’s nothing,” Jinki said, really not feeling like telling the whole kitchen, and by default, the whole palace, that he was in love with a noble.  He knew that Madame Kim wouldn’t let this go, but what else could he say? 

     “I’ll be the judge of that,” she responded.

     “I’m going to go take a break,” Jinki muttered, standing up; leaving his meal untouched as usual.

     “You can play with your paint set after you eat something.  You don’t have to tell me what has erased that smile of yours but you do have to eat something before I’ll let you leave this kitchen.  Don’t test me,” Madame Kim responded, her tone filled with iron. She continued to study his face, searching for clues.

     Jinki’s lip twitched in an affectionate smile, sitting back down without argument and taking up his spoon.  

     “That’s a good boy,” She muttered, patting his head before getting back to her duties in the kitchen, leaving him to finish his meal.

     “Hyung, you know you can talk to me, right?” Taemin whispered to him. “I know you think I’m just a kid, but I’m not, and I’m getting worried about you too.”

Jinki felt his sad heart lift just a little bit as gratefulness washed over him.  He really had a lot of people in his life who cared for him. It helped ease the ache inside him if only a little bit.   

     “Aww does our little Taeminnie like his hyung that much?” Jinki teased, veering the conversation about from the heavy emotions and into something lighter.  

     “Hyung,” he whined, “Don’t call me that!”

     “Don’t call you what?  Taeminnie?” Jinki’s smile widened.

     “Hyuuuuuung!  I’m not a little kid!  Stop treating me like that!” The pout on his face telling the exact opposite of his words.  

     “All right Taemin, I’ll stop.  And thank you, but it’s really nothing for you to worry yourself over,” Jinki assured him.

     “But… you look so sad,” Taemin said, a frown pulling at his lips.

     “And I’ll get over it,” Jinki said, talking to himself more than Taemin.  It was the reality and the sooner he accepted it the better. He was heartbroken, but he would get over it.  He had to; there was no other option. The sooner he accepted that fact the sooner he could start mending the pieces of his heart and try to get his life back on track.

~~~

     Jinki’s paintings were getting darker, the vibrant colors he usually loved lay unused in favor of black and gray tones.  Charcoal stained his fingers and clothes rather than the usual splatters of colorful paint; his color choices always did match his mood.  The current picture depicted a ship lost at sea, being tossed by a rough storm. It is about to topple over by a wave, the foamy tendrils looking suspiciously like fingers.  It was far from the most original of pieces, a simple ship at sea, but it expressed his feelings rather plainly. When does this storm end? How did he end up in this situation to begin with?  When had he allowed himself to view someone so unattainable with such intense feelings? He wanted to call it weakness but it was more likely sheer stupidity. He had considered her a friend and that was his first mistake.  He viewed her as different from other nobles. And she was. But that did not, in any way, erase the title. He had gotten too comfortable and his heart had run away before he quite realized it. But now what was he to do? He still wanted her.  He still wanted to be near her, be a part of her life, even if only as friends. Even if that meant he was only her preferred stable hand. He wanted that but he wasn’t sure his heart could take it. Jinki was selfish. He wanted all of her. Not a tiny sliver of her attention, he wanted her all and he wasn’t sure he could ever be satisfied if he didn’t get it.  But none of that mattered because now she was too upset, too angered to even look at him. What was Jinki to do? What could he do?

~~~

     When Jinki does see Miss Gwiboon again, it is not at all how he envisioned it.  Yes, he ran into her in the stables like he expected. However, what he didn’t expect was to see her on the arm of Lord Jonghyun.  Jinki had always known that she was still meeting with the Lord. He knew, but ever since he and Miss Gwiboon had started to draw closer, Jonghyun had been all but absent for her life in front of Jinki.  He knew he wasn’t allowed to care about such things. He have given up any right to care when he turned her down, he never really had a right to care in the first place. None of that mattered though. The truth was he did care, very much so.  He hated the sight of the stocky Lord and his snake-like smile. He hated how good they looked next to each other. He hated the fake smiles and the obvious touches. He hated it so much because he was green with envy.  

     He had always been jealous of nobles, that was only natural given the stark class differences, but he had been raised to appreciate what he had and that had always gotten him through his life with a smile.  Now though, all he could think was how unfair life was. If only he were of noble blood. Then maybe, things would be different. Maybe he could be the one strolling through the stables in fine winter furs and that perfect woman on his arm.  He knew that he could never have what came so freely to nobles. He had accepted that long before these rogue feelings had developed inside himself. What he couldn’t seem to accept is that she would choose another. She would choose a man to fill the spot Jinki was coveting with all his heart.  It only made it that much harder that she had offered him the position and he had turned it down. He had no choice, they both knew that, but it only made the wound fester inside him.  

     Jinki stood outside the stall door, his heart cracking deeper with each step the couple took.  Miss Gwiboon didn’t spare him a glance, her boots clicking against the stone floor resounded in Jinki’s ears long after they had gone.  The little thread of hope inside Jinki that had been holding onto, the hope that maybe she would forgive him, that maybe she would allow him to remain close to her despite everything, that hope was crushed under the heel of her riding boots.  She was choosing Lord Jonghyun. She was choosing a man who could give her what she wanted and needed. She was choosing someone far better that Lee Jinki, the stable hand. However, understanding and accepting were two very different things.

     He watched Lord Jonghyun, the epitome of everything Jinki envied, wrap his arm around Miss Gwiboon’s shoulder and it triggered something deep and primal inside Jinki.  Suddenly Jinki wanted to fight. He needed to fight, against Lord Jonghyun, against the society that said they shouldn’t be together. He wanted to do whatever it took to replace Lord Jonghyun with himself in this mental picture.  Consequences be damned, he was in love with that woman and he wouldn’t let go without a fight, without trying.  

     The spark of rage faded as the couple walked away and rather than acting out any of the, albeit satisfying, mental images of putting his fist through Lord Jonghyun’s face, Jinki turned away, crawling up into the hay loft to hide the embarrassing tears that were collecting at the corner of his eyelids.