Seulgi blinked rapidly. What the hell is going on right now? Oh god she’s gonna choke. Oh lord. “Katy!”

 

“Mm?”

 

“Maybe you should slow down.” Katy looks up, sets her burrito down and leans back in her chair. 

 

“Was I being too much?”

 

“Just a bit? Why are you eating like you’ve never eaten before?”

 

Katy frowns, clears , her eyes flit up to the sky and she blinks rapidly. Oh my god, is she about to cry? “Oh god Katy, what’s wrong?” Seulgi rushes out, leaning over to hug her smaller friend as Katy seems to break down and begin crying wholeheartedly. “Oh sweetie, what’s wrong?”

 

“I can't do this anymore Seulgi. It just hurts so bad!”

 

“What hurts hon? What hurts? Talk to me.” Katy swallows harshly and leans back. 

 

“Every morning Joy wakes me up Seul. So early. So. So. So early. I wasn’t made to be up at the asscrack of morning Seul. God hasn’t even begun watching people at the time she wakes me up. And then she makes me run! So. So. So much running. It feels like my legs are going to fall off! She makes me want to die Seul. My has never been so sore. She makes me do squats Seul. Squats! ing squats!” Seulgi blinks once, twice, three times. She shakes her head, left, right and again. 

 

“What?”

 

“Are you kidding me? Why aren’t you listening to me? This is serious Seulgi. I’m exhausted. I can’t keep doing this!”

 

“Why is she waking you up?”

 

“Well, as you know. They finally ed-“

 

“Language Katy.”

 

“Sorry, they finally rubbed coochies.”

 

“That really isn’t any better.”

 

“Hush. Listen. So as you know they finally made sweet sweet love. Joy is scared that she has chichos and she’s trying to make them go down and somehow in her twisted horrible Spanish brain bringing me along sounds right and I can’t be mean and say no. So every morning I die a little more! I feel like that Rihanna song!”

 

“What Rihanna song?”

 

“The one where she’s cheating on the guy. And she feels bad but she comes back to him but still cheats.”

 

“What does that have to do with you jogging with Joy?”

 

“Because! I feel unfaithful I’d rather gorge out in jelly donuts and shrimp burritos! I feel like I’m gonna die!”

 

“Why don’t you just tell her? Also, what are chichos?”

 

“They’re love handles.”

 

“What’s wrong with love handles?”

 

“Some people don’t like them. You’ve never had them so you wouldn’t understand.”  

 

“Well Joy shouldn’t be insecure. These chichos you describe mean she has good child bearing hips.” Seulgi was, for the first time, met with a profound silence from Katy. A silence so profound she looked over to her friend in fear the younger girl had collapsed and begun silently seizing beside her. “What?”

 

“Child bearing hips? What kind of 1950’s Jane Austen book did you just fall out of?”

 

“Who’s Jane Austen?”

 

“Gah!” And with that, Katy was grabbing her burrito and running off. 

 

“Wait! You didn’t pay! Oh that !”

 

——————/////—————/////———————/////————

 

“And I told her! What kind of 1950’s Jane Austen book did she fall out of!” Katy huffs, falling back onto the bed. “And numb nuts had the audacity to go, who’s Jane Austen?”

 

“Well Jane Austen is from the 1700s so you’re wrong there. And why would they be taught about an English novelist in South Korea? Americans struggle with understanding old English as it is why would a bunch of people who don’t speak it try to understand it?”

 

“How are you so smart Ron? You know we went to college together right? Like shouldn’t I be as smart as you.” With a soft chuckle, Saeron finishes buckling her belt and sits beside Katy on the bed. 

 

“You are smart. You just like to play dumb because you think that’s your role in your group of friends. Junito does the same thing.”

 

“You know my friends are your friends right?”

 

“Mmm, I don’t think so. But I have friends. I have you, Juni, my combat buddies. I have friends. But back to this smart thing, when you see that you’re more than just a pretty face, a dirty one liner and whoever you allow into your bed you’ll understand.”

 

“Understand what?”

 

“How special you are.”

 

“How am I supposed to let you go when you talk like that!” Katy whines, rolling over and wrapping herself around Saeron. “I’ll die without you!” 

 

“Now, now. If you keep me here I’ll be considered AWOL and they’ll come searching for me. So it’s best you let me go till next time.” 

 

“How long are you going to be this time?”

 

“I don’t know love.”

 

“Where are you going to be?”

 

“Iraq”.

 

“Where’s that?”

 

“The Middle East bub” Katy nods, tightening her arms around her once lover. Humming when Saeron threads her fingers through her hair. “I’ll be okay”, she whispers, massaging down Katy’s nape. 

 

“I know. You’re strong and brave and so smart. I bet you could do anything.” But be yours, Saeron thinks. How long had they been doing this? She shipped off for the first time in what? 05? It’s 2006 now, a year? A year of being a springtime lover? 

 

“I have to go now hon, I bet Junito is downstairs waiting for me.” 

 

“Okay”, Katy sighs, allowing Saeron to stand and leave. “You know I love you right?” 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“Please be safe.”

 

“Always”, and with a last lingering kiss to her forehead and then her lips Saeron grabs her bags and heads out the door leaving home and the girl she loves behind. It was too late for them now, their story would always be one she’d revisit but new pages never to be added. 

 

This is okay, this is fine she tells herself. Pressing the ground floor on the elevator Saeron battles with the idea that she may win any war on the battlefield but Katy’s heart and devotion was simply too hard to conquer. She’d bleed out long before Katy was completely hers. And that’s okay. 

 

Junito is all smiles when she gets to his car. He’s bouncing and singing something to her off key. He’s full of she knows. He isn’t actually happy, his eyes are red rimmed and his smile doesn’t reach his eyes but he’ll smile for her. He’ll sing for her. He’ll do what needs to be done to send her off happy. To send his best friend off to ricocheting bullets, 20 hours days and bloodshed. 

 

“Girl when I see you, the heavens open up and even Jesus goes. Danggggggg”. Saeron laughs, shakes her head and hugs Junito tight. 

 

“You’re retarded, you know that right?”

 

“Only for you cuz! Here let me get those and we’ll head off.” When her bags are secured in the backseat the duo takeoff. Junito does not ask about Katy. Does not voice his worries. Does not talk about where Saeron will be. Does not talk about his uncertainty, his worries or fears. They talk about music, some girls , food his aunt brought for her. Anything and everything that doesn’t make his throat tighten up and Saeron’s heart squeeze. 

 

Is this what a best friend is? Is this what complete love and devotion feels like? Saeron isn’t sure, but she smiles brightly at Junito and forgets where she’s going for now. She laughs loudly and carefree, she feels loved. She feels cared for. 

 

The hour drive to the airport is much too short for the best friends. He won’t go in with her, right here at the sidewalk is there goodbye. His feet won’t step any further, won’t allow himself to push his friend into the arms of violence. But he’ll be there when she’s back, he’ll yell and wave his sign with her name. He’ll always be there to pull her back into the safety of his arms and his world. Their not there yet though, so for now he hugs her tight. Makes her promise to be safe. Tells her he loves her more than anything in the world, tells her he’d sell Joy off to the highest bidder if it meant Saeron never left him again. 

 

And then she’s gone. 

 

Jackson Wang, Kris Wu and Flynn Colnduchi are her brothers here. Are her back up. She’d face god himself for these men and for her they’d do the same. She jumps onto Flynn’s back when she sees him and he es about it because that’s what Flynn does. Kris teases, because that’s what he does and Jackson laughs because that's what he does and Saeron hangs on, arms locked tight around Flynn, because that’s what she does. 

 

In the future, when Flynn ceases to , Kris teases less, and Jackson hardly laughs. Saeron finds she’s barely hanging on, somehow coming full circle Saeron stares at Katy who swears she loves her but isn’t in love. Katy pretends to be sorry for crushing her soul in the middle of this stupid public ing airport. Saeron lands in another state more broken than before at the anniversary of her friend's death. The same friend she swore she’d take on god for. 

 

Dianne’s cheeks are sunken in, it’s been two years since Flynn’s passing and she still seems so broken. Is this what love is? Is this what happens when you give your whole self to someone? Dianne is warm in Saeron’s arms, she hugs back weakly but that’s okay. Whatever strength the woman cannot muster Saeron, Jackson and Kris have sworn to offer up themselves. 

 

This is a brotherhood they were told. This is a family. Together we are United. Let no man tear us apart. 

 

“Thank you for coming sweetheart. There’s food in the kitchen, Jackson is making Margaritas. Kris just stepped out to grab a couple movies from the Blockbuster.”

 

“Alright sweet, I’m just gonna leave my bags upstairs. And then it’s chow time!” Dianne smiles and punches her cheeks. 

 

“You’re so sweet. Flynn would be so proud to see-“ her voice cracks and dies away. “He loved you all so much.” 

 

Another hug, another kiss on the cheek and Saeron steps away and upstairs to her guest room. “Hi Ron!” 

 

“Hey Nessa what’s up?” The four year old shrugs and holds up her stuffie. “Whatcha got there?”

 

“It’s Patrick star”, she mumbles before sighing much louder than any child should. 

 

With a furrowed brow, Saeron places her bag down in the hall and scoops the young child up. “What’s up princess? Why the long face?” 

 

“I miss mommy.”

 

“Why? She’s right down stairs?”

 

“No.”

 

“No?”

 

“That’s mommy”, Nessa mumbles, tiny finger pointing to a picture hanging in her room of a smiling couple. “That’s mommy and that’s daddy”, she says. 

 

—————

It’s sometime in the future that Saeron’s heart will begin to mend. That she will look into the eyes of a baby girl and finally truly understand what love is. She will wrap her arms around the woman she loves and look into a crib at a sleeping baby and finally find her place. Finally see where her story truly begins. Finally find a love filled with devotion and wholeheartedness. But that’s a tale for later, a book to crack open and explore the pages of next time. 

 

Right now, it’s December 2008 on the last day of my trip in Pattaya Thailand with my best friends, with my future wife, with my family and a big lion. 

 

“So help me god Kang Seulgi if you go anywhere near that tiger I’ll gut you myself.”

 

“But baby look, she’s so sweet!”

 

“She is the apex predator of the wild! Do not touch it! Oh my god she’s touching the tiger. Oh Jesus the mother of my child is going to die. I’m going to be a single mother. I hate you Joy. How dare you bring us here!” 

 

“Baby I used to come here all the time as a kid! She’s safe.” Irene looks like she’s going to pass out, any other moment and it would be hilarious is Katy wasn’t climbing me like a monkey on a tree. 

 

“Katy! Get off!”

 

“I can't Joy. What if the tiger gets loose? I need to get to high ground!”

 

“I’m taller than her”, As best I could with an adult child on me I turned to my sister eating a churro. 

 

“Yeah but I don’t like you.”

 

Summer rolls her eyes, and offers me some of her churro. Bless her heart. “I love you so much this is so delicious”.

 

“Seulgi!” Irene screeches. 

 

“Babe just take the photo and I’ll be off.”

 

“Oh my god she’s touching her. Oh dear lord. Wendy! Go get my girlfriend before she’s eaten.”

 

“Me? Why do I have to do it?” Why are my friends all crackheads? If there was an award show for crackheadery I think we’d win. My merry band of es. 

 

“Katy get off!” I start shaking around like a wet dog trying to get this woman child off of me. She has a grip like a ninja! Dear god! 

 

“Just walk towards the tiger”, moonbyul offers, arm around Wheein’s shoulder. 

 

“Don’t give her ideas Blondie! Joy! Don’t you dare!”

 

I’m not sure what’s scarier, the thought of losing my hearing because of Katy screeching into my ear or the tiger making eye contact with me. “Okay okay! I’m getting off. Just carry me to Eric where I’m safe.”

 

“Why didn’t you just climb onto him?” I ask, Eric is taller than me! In what world is high ground me? He’s like six feet!

 

“Because if I slip off you as a last ditch effort I can latch onto your hits like handles. If I slip off Eric the last thing I can hold onto is his and that’s too low to the ground for my liking.”

 

“The ground isn’t lava, it’s a tiger.”

 

“Your point! Wheedoodle?”

 

Where does she come up with this ? “Why is she so mean!” Wheein yells, stomping her feet and bum rushing Moonbyul. Is that how they show affection in Canada? Just rushing into people’s chest? I wanna try that one day. 

 

With Katy finally off of me, I found my way back to Wendy. “Mamita (term of endearment for a female), wanna take a picture?” 

 

“Sure, you want me to take it of you?”

 

“No, let’s get one of the scaredy cats to take the photo of us. It’ll be cool.”

 

“Okay, Irene. Can you take a photo of me and Joy by the tiger?”

 

“Are you nuts! Absolutely not. It will eat you whole!”

 

Wendy pouts and turns to me, “Irene won’t take it”, with a soft laugh I give my baby a kiss and wave over our tour guide for the day. 

 

“Hey can you take a photo of me and my wife with the tiger?”

 

“Of course ma’am.” 

 

You know, in word taking a photo sounds super cool. But walking up to the tiger, that’s a bit different. She is a big girl. Wendy and I take our places on either side of the tiger and sit, with a bit of a shake in my hand I pet the tiger gently. 

 

“No sudden movements!” Irene screeches before Seulgi lifts her up and starts walking away. 

 

“I’m just gonna take Irene for a walk before she scares the tiger.”

 

“I’m coming with! C’mon you tall beautiful let’s go!” Katy yells before getting a running start and jumping onto my sisters back. Where’s Sunny?

 

“You called me your wife by the way”, I turned to look at what may be the most beautiful woman on the planet. And last time I checked, Beyoncé is on this planet. 

 

“I did, didn’t I? It’s hard not to. You feel like it already. You feel like my everything.”

 

“Oh that was a beautiful photo! I took three!” Our guide squeals before passing me the camera. He took the photos already? I hadn’t even noticed. I laugh and thank him before grabbing Wendy’s hand and following after our band of idiots into the rest of the zoo. 

 

“Wanna feed the elephants?” Our guide asks us ten minutes later. 

 

“Absolutely not. They can feed themselves. Let’s go get lunch guys. This is enough sight seeing for today. I am just simply famished.”

 

“Oh I am just simply famished!” Katy and I mimic in a dumb English accent. Who says things like that? Famished? That’s dumb. “Irene, calm down and have fun. Seulgi would sooner commit an act of treason and shoot every last one of these elephants before letting you get slapped by an elephant trunk. Relax. Sir we would love to feed some elephants.”

 

“He-he. She said slapped by a trunk” Katy cackles from beside me. What drugs are my friends on?

 

—————/////——————/////—————/////—————

 

“You want to what?” Wheein asks for what feels like the fiftieth time. 

 

“Once again, Joy reasoned that since we're one big family that it might be nice to have everyone vote on a wedding venue. And on the ride here Eric said something that piqued our interest.”

 

“Getting married in a smelly zoo?” I do not appreciate how Irene asked that question! 

 

“It wasn’t smelly. But it is unique and so us. Today Katy climbed three people. We petted a tiger. Wheein body checked Moonbyul for a hug. We’re such a weird group. Wouldn’t it stand to reason that Wendy and I get married in a weird place?”

 

“But it could be the most normal thing you do? Getting married in a church or something. Like don’t you want one normal thing?” Irene asks, I shake my head. Why be normal? What is normal? It sounds boring and fake. 

 

“But that’s not what we are. We’re a group of complete weirdos. But if you guys don’t like it then okay. We’ll choose a different venue.”

 

“No, no”, Summer waves. “It’s your wedding and you guys seem in love with the idea of getting married in a zoo. The least we can do is get excited with you guys. Let’s do it. Let’s have a super awesome wedding a zoo.” I shoot my sister a thumbs up as a thank you and nod at my friends. 

 

I’m gonna get married in a zoo. 

 

With our last night coming to a close, I left Wendy to sleep and enjoy the Egyptian sheets and went to find Summer. Which, turns out, was easy. “You’re eating! Again?”

 

“What!” Summer huffs, mouthful of sandwich in . 

 

“Didn’t you just eat?”

 

“So? I was hungry again. Sunny started watching some reality show called level up project and all the girls were eating and I got hungry.” 

 

“Oh I think I’ve seen that! Doesn’t one of the girls kinda look like Irene?”

 

“Yeah! That’s what I was thinking the whole time. Anyway, wanna bite?”

 

“Nah I’m all good. I actually wanted to talk to you about something.”

 

“Oookay, what’s up?”

 

“It’s about your dad.”

 

“Our dad.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“He’s both our father. It’s okay to say that. He’s as much my dad as he is yours. It’s okay to acknowledge that.”

 

“Okay, it’s about our dad.”

 

“What about him?”

 

“Well, as you know I’m pregnant and all.”

 

“I do.”

 

“Well”, Wepa! This is harder than I thought it’d be. “I wanted to tell him. But I didn’t want it to have a lot of fanfare or anything. He’s still my dad and all so I thought it only fair to let him know he was gonna be a grandfather. But with your guys relationship and stuff I didn’t want to tell him and then you feel like I’m once again one upping you. So I wanted to talk to you first.”

 

Summer nods at me, sets her sandwich down and stares at me. It gets weird by the ten seconds mark. “So, you want to talk to me about telling our dad you’re pregnant but you think he’ll once again be more excited about you than me.” I nod. “Sounds about right. The way I see it, it’s your life Joy. If you had never, y’know, for lack of a better term, ‘died’ would you be having this conversation with me?”

 

“No, I suppose not. But your life would have been different I think.”

 

“If your mom never died, I’d cease to exist. There would be no me to have this conversation with.” No Summer? Oh that hurts. No little sister? No family? 

 

“You don’t know that.”

 

“Mm I think I do. Listen, the past can’t be changed. I had an emotionally stunted father. It’s okay. My father now is pretty cool, he learned as I got older. I don’t hold any animosity for my dad anymore. You don’t have to ask my permission sis.”

 

“I know that. I just want to punish him for what he put you guys through.” Summer smiles and shakes her head at me, her hand is warm when she holds mine. 

 

“You don’t have to do that babe. I don’t need revenge. I’m okay now, I got over it. And besides, did you see my aunt? She whooped my dads I’m all set. He’s being punished enough for his stupidity. Now, if you wanna punish him for yourself then by all means. But you don’t have to worry about me.”

 

“It’s so weird.”

 

“What is?”

 

“This, us”, I say, motioning between us. “It’s been what? Like 7 months that we’ve known each other. I feel like I’ve known you my whole life. It’s weird, I really really love you.”

 

Summer smiles and it just lights up my chest with this weird sense of giddy glee and I smile back. “Maybe it’s fate. Maybe it’s god. Whatever it is whenever I see you I’m reminded of my childhood dreams. My little brothers were so important to me. They looked to me to pave the way, to guide them. But all I’d wish for was this phantom older sister to guide me. Some people pray to god, some look at a crystal ball. 

 

But me? I’d talk to you. I’d ask you guidance while at the same time hating you. I’d show you my good grades and imagine your smile while my father shot me down. I’d cry to you when I struggled. All I wanted was for my dead big sister to pave my way and help guide me. But all I had was this outline that I could never quite emulate. I hated it. But now, when I’m scared, or when I get a good grade you’re just a phone call away. I think I loved you long before there was a you. And now I’m gonna be an aunt.”

 

Oh man when did I start crying? “I wish we were twins. So I could have been there from the beginning.”

 

“No. Because who’d have helped my brothers? Our brothers. I still haven’t told them about you, dad either. They have no idea. I’ve been unsure how to tell them.”

 

“I want to meet them. I kind of want to just touch them, is that weird?” Summer shakes her head. 

 

“Nah, it makes sense. They share a bit of you, y’know. It makes sense. So, back to our dad. Are you going to tell him?”

 

“Originally I was going to have you tell him as a screw you. But maybe I will do it in person. With Irene’s mom and all of them. Are they still here?”

 

“Last I spoke to Irene about it, they cancelled their tickets back. And have an open ticket for return.”

 

“God I feel bad. I haven’t spoken to them and they’re just sitting and waiting for me. I just wanted to focus on the wedding and everything. I couldn’t have anything else weighing on my mind.”

 

“I get it. Just let them know when you’re ready. They waited 26 years. They can wait another couple weeks.”

 

————————/////——————/////————/////—————

 

Clothing, check. Toiletries, check. Phone, check. Charger, check. Keys, check. Nice, all set. 

 

“Amor!”

 

“Mmm?”

 

“I’m all packed. Are you all set?”

 

“Yeah, I’m calling the car rental place so we can return the car.”

 

“Okay. I’m gonna bring our bags downstairs and check in with everyone else.”

 

With a final okay from Wendy, I dragged out bags down the hall and down the steps to the front door where Katy was eating whip cream from the canister. “That’s disgusting, everyone eats from that.”

 

“I’ve been doing this all week, did you enjoy all our indirect kisses?” 

 

“I hate you.” Katy smirks and begins spraying whip cream onto her hands. “Don’t you dare”.

 

“Don’t you wanna taste?”

 

“Katy Kim, touch me and I’ll kill you!”

 

“Just a taste Joy!”

 

“Te voy a matar! Te lo juro!” (I’m going to kill you. I swear)

 

“Ven aquí y!” (Come here y)

 

“Oye!” (Hey) 

 

“What is going on here?” 

 

“Seulgi help me! She’s trying to get me with whipped cream!” Seulgi looked so, so lost and so, so funny when Katy changed targets and just absolutely slapped the ever living out of Seulgi with a handful of whipped cream. 

 

“Oh you . It’s on”. Seulgi seethed, whipped cream sliding off her face and onto her shirt. 

 

“Oh !” Katy yelled before running away.