So, as the title suggest this isn’t an update, it’s a personal story. I hope that’s okay, it’s funny and I was gonna try to somehow put in the story as some kind of filler or something but the way the characters are it wouldn’t fit. So hopefully you guys don’t get upset about this, it was just funny I thought you might enjoy two funny stories. 

So! The second story is the one that matters the most, but the first one like introduces how crazy my girlfriends family is. 

I have been with the same girl for about 10 years, it’s nine on 20th but I’ll just round up to sound cool. when I was 16 I came out to my parents and they were like nah fam. You gotta go, but we’ll help you and I was like I’ll do you one better and I just bounced. I moved into my girlfriend Kassie’s house with her parents. 

I moved into the basement with Kassie, where her father brought a huge bunk bed where I slept at the bottom and my girlfriend, who I had already been having with, slept on the top to preserve Jesus in the home. Now, my girlfriend is Irish. Her father grew up in a poor town in Dublin, had a tough time then joined the Irish military met his wife got married. 

William, my girlfriends dad, is horrible. Like I hate this man, holy crap if I had words to describe the hatred I have for this man I’d just keep going. He’s absolutely psycho, and he makes fun on my height and that’s ed up. But his wife, she is a gem. Heaven sent. I’m convinced that somewhere up above an angel messed up and god was like your punishment is to live with William for his entire earth bound like and they pulled a fast one and sent this angel Theresa instead. 

Someone Once said in the comments chefs kiss. And it stuck with me, this women is that. And like Jesus kiss. Gods kiss. All the kisses! She’s holiness on land. But i digress, Jesus all this talking and I haven’t even started yet. Anyway! 

While living with Kassie and her family I didn’t spend many big holidays with them. I went to grandmothers house for most holidays. My father is black and my mother is Puerto Rican and Ecuadorean. When I got kicked out my father told his family back in New York not to talk to me so I spent most of my older years with my mothers side. My mom tried to tell my family to leave me to but they were like absolutely not, she’s not just your child she’s ours. 

So the Ecuadorean side of my family would come up and stay at my grandmothers house where my Puerto Rican side of the family would congregate and we’d celebrate. But one Halloween when I was eighteen I had been sick so I didn’t go out. Now I had been dating Kassie since I was 13, so obviously I knew she and her family had weird quirks. But this was the first time I really saw it. 

So the Irish, or at least my girlfriends family does not with Halloween. They do not like it. I didn’t realize how serious it was, but every Halloween they would hang this terrifying iron ornaments outside the house like psychopaths. Now, one morning underneath the Jesus preserving bunk Bed I woke up. I wasn’t feeling well, I had a headache and my monster of a girlfriend was making all types of noise. 

It is important to note that I wear glasses, I am blind as . So I opened my eyes, and everything was just blurry and I was like I need my glasses before I yell at this women. So I get up, now I am not of the tall variety so when I stand up I am directly underneath this row of black things. And i can’t properly see what they are because I’m blind as hell, so I start fumbling for my glasses and I’m like yeah! Got em! 

I throw them on and BAM! Big ugly gargoyle front and center In my damn face. Just hanging there like it’s gonna eat my nose or something. I scream, I panic I run up the stairs where Kassie and her father are furiously hanging these demon creatures around the house and I am like yo! What the frilly in are you people doing! 

There is a saying, “white people are crazy” but dude no. Irish people are crazy. William, whips around and starts waving this weird iron ornament in my face and he’s like Ren! We need to defend against the evils. And I’m like damn right you do, cuz imma bout to kick you in yo if you don’t back up. 

William sits me down and tells me they hang these ornaments up to shield from the demons. Apparently these demons can come into the house, they take over your body and just wreak havoc. But this is not how William explains it. Instead! This 50 year old man yells, 

THEY COME INTO THE HOUSEHOLD. TAKE OVER! ME DAUGHTER! MY TOMATO PATCH! THATS A PROPER ING PATCH! 

and I’m like yo! Hold up. Rewind, whose gonna your daughter? But William doesn’t rewind, he doesn’t explain. Instead my girlfriend yells, NOBODY WILL BE ING ME WOMEN BUT ME! and then like nothing, runs around hanging again. It was ridiculous. 

But I tell you this story, because hopefully you can tell from that story that my girlfriend has a very loud and brash and confident personality. If not, my bad. Now onto our next story that happened last week. 

Kassie and I live together, and usually she does all the shopping. I just get home and poof there’s food. Now, when people meet me they’re always like oh she must be the ‘man’ of the relationship. I am bigger, not taller, than Kassie. I’ve got short curly hair, i dress real boyish. I’m from New York I talk aggressive, and I play football. It just all fits. Kassie is 5’6, tall, she played soccer in high school and college, she’s blonde she just looks girly. People are always thrown off by our height difference, but it! I climb that women like a mountain! 

Anyway! Kassie is on a health cleanse because she saw a documentary. And we went grocery shopping, in a chapter Wendy and Joy kinda banter about Joy’s top status and that’s inspired by reality. I felt as though I was top and I held it down.  So. While we’re shopping I say hey babe. Can we get the combo pack of ranch Doritos. 

Without looking at me, Kassie says no they’re unhealthy. I say, I want them. She says let’s get pita chips. I feel like my dominance is being put in question, so i stop up in the middle of this ALDI’s and I honest to god say. 

“Yo, I’m the daddy of this household. And if daddy wants ranch chips then daddy gets them!” I feel like a boss right up until kassie looks me in my brown four eyes and says. In front of everyone. 

“, this is not a democracy it’s a dictatorship. Now push my cart.”  

And that’s exactly what I did. That night it dawned on me, my is a service top. Hurt my little gay heart.  

So while Kassie was asleep, I put ice in her t-shirt because I’m a immature service top. 

The end! I hope that didn’t annoy you. Have a good day!