Some race talk and political thinking in this chapter. 
-------------------

Choi Sooyoung hated her childhood. It was as if from the moment she was born she was already sub par. She was always racing to win but she could never see who she was racing against, they always seemed to be ahead of her though. “You can do better”. 

“An A would be better.”

 “Don’t you want to be something when you grow up? This won’t get you there.” 

All her dad ever did was tell her how bad she was doing. Why could he never hug her and tell her how great she was doing? It wasn’t like he was ever home anyway, she didn’t ask for much. Just a high five at this point. 

Sooyoung sat in bed just like every night and wondered if she would ever be enough. She got an A on her paper on geography. Would daddy even care? Mom said she was proud. Maybe that’s enough. The knock on her door pulled her attention and Siwon came shuffling in. “Hey youngie. Can you help me with something?” 

Sooyoung sat up and nodded, Siwon climbed onto her bed and smiled at her before placing his text book in front of her. He pointed a chubby finger at a number, “I don’t know how to do this problem”. 

Sooyoung looked down, 2-4(5+6). “Have you learned PEMDAS?” Siwon nodded, a frown setting on his face. 

“But I keep getting it wrong.”

“Well. Let’s break it down okay?” First we do the parentheses. Which is five plus six. How much is that?” Siwon put his hands up and counted quietly. 

“Um 11, I think”.  Sooyoung smiled and leaned closer shooting him a playful glare. 

“You think?”

“Um. 10? Maybe?” 

Sooyoung quirked a brow. “Maybe?” Finally the young boy pouted and flopped limply against the wall. 

“I don’t know!” Sooyoung drowned and set the textbook aside, she sat against the wall and looked straight ahead with Siwon. 

“What’s wrong Wonnie?” The boy shrugged. 

“I’m stupid.” 

“No you aren’t. You’re just struggling. There is nothing wrong with struggling.”

“Yeah. Easy for you to say. You never struggle. You always get it on the first try”. Sooyoung smiled wryly, if only he knew. If only he knew that she always got it right at first because someone else might have gotten it perfectly the first time. If only he knew that she never got it right enough. That she always seemed to be in second place to a girl she’d never even met. 

“That’s not true. I just practice a lot.”

“I never see you practice.”

“Do you always see the sun come up?” Siwon shot her a confused look. 

“No?”

“But does it always come up?”

“Yeah.”

“See. Just because you don’t see something doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.” Siwon smiled and leaned his head on Sooyoung’s shoulder. 

“How do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Always say the right thing?” 

“I learned.”

“From who?”

“Daddy”. 

“Really?” Sooyoung hummed a response and continued to stare ahead. “Like what?”

“Well. One time he told me those who lie with the wise one gain wisdom. But those who lie with the stupid gain stupidity.” 

Siwon blinked, “what does it mean?”

“It means if you spend time with smart people. You’ll get smarter. And if you spend time with dumb people you’ll get dumber. Like a healthy apple with other healthy apples stay healthy. But a healthy apple with bad apples turns bad eventually.”  

“Ohhh. Why did he tell you that?” Sooyoung smiled sadly, how was she to tell her brother that her father had said she was stupid. That she shouldn’t spend time with the girl and art students she loved because they made her dumb. But that she should study to be a doctor. Something to make her smarter. How was she to tell him that she was a disappointment? 

“He didn’t want me to ever lie with the stupid one. Now. Tell me why you’re upset”.

“I don’t know. I just feel like no matter what I do I always mess up. I hate math.” 

“Did you take a break?”

“A break?”

“Yeah. Walk away for a moment and take a breather. And then come back with fresh eyes.”

“No!” Siwon exclaimed, “if I left my room dad was going to ask if I finish my homework. You know how he gets.” 

“Well. Sometimes you have to take a step back no matter what. You need a birds eye view sometimes.”

“Birds eye view?”

“Mhm. It means that sometimes when you’re stuck in a problem it’s like you’re in a maze. When you’re in a maze you can’t see your way out. But by taking a step back, you get a birds eye view. You see it from a distance. From above. And you can find the way out.” 

“Did daddy teach you that too?”

Sooyoung shook her head, “I came up with it on my own.”

“Oh that’s cool.”

“Wanna try to solve the problem again?”

“Sure”. Siwon sighed. Sooyoung pulled the book back on to her lap. 

“Forget about the stuff on the left. Just look at the 5 plus 6. Let’s count together. You hold up five fingers. I’ll hold up six. Now count”. Sooyoung grinned as chubby fingers tapped onto hers and her brother whispered the count. 

“11.”

“Are you sure?”

“Um. No. Uh. Can I count again?” She nodded. “I think it’s 11.”

“You think?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why do you think you’re wrong Siwon?” The little boy shrugged. 

“I’m always wrong”.

“What color is the sky”.

“Um blue?”

“What’s one plus one”.

“Two.”

“What country do we live in?”

“South Korea.”

“Guess what. You answered all those questions correctly. Are you always wrong?” Siwon shook his head. “So they why should you be wrong about this problem?”

“I was wrong before.”

“Yes. But you could be right this time. So. You need to confident buddy. Have faith. Let’s count again. Out loud. 

“5..6..7..8..9..10..11”. 

“What’s your answer”.

“11”. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Good. And you would be correct. So. Now. Rewrite the problem.”

2-4(11)

“Alright. We did the parenthesis. Are there exponents?”

“No.”

“What’s next?”

“Multiplication.”

“Do we have that?”

“Yeah. The 4 and 11.”

“Is it a normal four though?”

“No it’s a negative four.”

“Nice. What’s a negative times a positive?”

“Um a negative?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Certain?”

Siwon huffed and smiled, “yes. Absolutely”.

“Good boy. You’re right. So. What is negative four times positive eleven?”

“Eleven time four is forty four. And with a negative it becomes negative forty four.”

“Good job. Now rewrite it again”.

2-44

“Now what?”

“Now. We take away a positive two from negative forty four.”

“And what happens when you subtract a positive from a negative?”

“The negative number, if it’s bigger. Gets smaller.”

“So what is it?”

“Negative forty two.” Sooyoung grinned and held her hand up for a high five. 

“Good job! Let’s go that was awesome. I’m proud of you.” Siwon shimmied and sang little oh yeahs in a victory dance. 

Sooyoung smiled as he danced. Would dad ever dance like that for me? Would he ever help me through a hard problem? Would he ever give me a high five for figuring it out on my own? “Should I show dad?” 

“Sure. If you want to.”

“Will you come with me?” Sooyoung nodded and together they walked to their father’s study. They knocked and waited for the quiet come in.  “Daddy can I show you something?” Siwon asked with a tremble in his tone. 

“Make it quick”. Siwon nodded and ran forward. Showing his father his homework, he pointed out the hard problem and told him all about his struggles and how his big sister helped him. Sooyoung smiled at the young boy. 

“You shouldn’t waste your sisters time with Siwon. You should be able to figure these things out. You need to pay more attention in class. Sooyoung is studying too. She can’t stop her studies to help you with easy problems”. Sooyoung’s mouth dropped in shock. How could he say that. How could he disregard his own child’s pride to put him down. Siwon looked down after being spoken to harshly. 

“Yes sir” he mumbled. The 10 year old grabbed his book and walked out of the room. He sniffled as he walked passed his big sister. Sooyoung swallowed and turned to her father who was once again focused on his work. 

“How could you do that?” 

Seo-Joon looked up. “Do what?”

“Shoot him down like that. He’s your son. He was just excited to show you how he overcame a problem”.

“There are many problems in this world Sooyoung. I cannot cheer him on for every problem.”

“But that’s your job! To make him feel confident. To make sure he knows he can overcome anything if he puts his mind to it.”

Seo-joon sighed and placed his pen down. “He needs to do better. You all do.”

“For what? Be better than who? We’re all straight A students. Who do we need to best? Who is out there that we need to beat? If it’s that other Sooyoung that you speak so highly about then tough luck. She ain’t real. She’s your imagination. Nobody will ever be better than your stupid ideology!”  

She had expected him to be mad. She hadn’t expected him to be this mad though. “You watch your tongue! She is your predecessor. You are supposed to carry on her legacy Sooyoung! She gave you your name. She is not some figment. She is real and tangible. And you must carry on her name by being better.” Sooyoung sighed. 

He would never understand. He would never know what it was to carry on the mantle of someone who never held it in the first place. 

————————///—————///—————-

This is how this would happen, isn't it. I would be the one with the ridiculous life. I couldn't just be happy and live a normal life. I couldn't just get married and be another adoptee in this vast open world. Nope, I would find my father in a fast food restaurant. Damn, you’re really out here playing practical hi-jinks out here big buy.

My dad huh. No, I have a dad. He speaks with a spanish accent, he likes Caso Cerrado, and thinks Marc Anthony is the messiah. Whoever this guy is, he’s just a name on a paper. He didn't want me. Summer looks like she wants to be anywhere but here and everyone else around us is staring. Why are they staring? This is New York, old people on table tops shouldn’t be weird. I need my dad. 

“Um, I. Uh. I- I need to go”. I can't get out of here quick enough. I didn't realize how close I am to Summer until I'm standing right in front of her trying to get away. Does she look like me? Do we sound alike? Didn't she say she has brothers? Does that mean I have brothers? Siblings that he kept. I’m about to side step Summer when her father pulls me back, he’s still crying, his hands are tight on my shoulders. Do we look alike? 

Do I look like Summer’s father? Her brothers? Seo-joon hugs me. Passed him Summer stares, I wonder if she’s mad. I hope not, she shouldn't be, he actually kept her. Smile Summer, he wanted you. I don't hug Seo-joon back, I don't think he notices. I thought I'd feel better when this day hit. I thought I’d feel comforted. Safe. happy. I wish I had never found out who he was, I felt better when he was just Summer’s father. He felt closer somehow. Now I’m just angry. 

“I never, I. I never thought I’d find you.” Find me? 

“Did you look?” I whisper against his jacket. Summer’s dad leans back and fixes me with a look, something in the look tells me he never looked, never even ing tried. Did you care?

“I, um. I couldn't find you. I knew I wouldn't be able to. But look, fate brought us together. And you are everything I thought you’d be. You’re smart and strong and just so beautiful. You look just like your mother.”

My five foot, freckle faced, tan mother? 

No.

The Korean woman who died, is that why you didn't want me Seo-joon? Because I killed the love of your life? “Why did you give me away?”

Seo-joon swallows and his lips tremble. “I couldn't keep you”.

“Why?”

He shakes his head, “I just couldn't”. 

“Bull. Why! Tell me why!”

Seo-joon tries to pull me close again but I can't, I can't let this man hug me. This imposter. He’s not my father, I don't even know who the this man is. I push him away, he stumbles back into Summer. I expect Summer to be mad at me, to make sure her father is okay. She doesn't catch Seo-joon, she sticks a hand out and he merely bounces off her palm. “Tell her why dad,'' Summer says. She doesn't look away from me. 

“I couldn't keep you Joy”. I shake my head, he probably doesn't even know why he gave me away.

“You didn't want me? That’s all you need to say. I can take it. I'm not weak. I’ve been abandoned, i’ve been harassed, I’ve run into burning buildings and been shot at. I can take it. Whatever bogus reason you have. I can take it. Was it because I had a lung problem? That why? Because I wasn't perfect? I didn't fit into your perfect little world? The hole patched up you know. Dead , all I ended up with was asthma. I don't even need a pump, that’s how okay I am. I was fine by the time I turned 2! I was fine! All I needed was time!” I don’t know when I start yelling, I don't know when I start crying. But nobody stops me, so what the hell. Might as well continue. “All I needed was time! Just a little bit of ing time! I would have been fine! Why couldn’t you wait! WHY! Why couldn't you just ing love me!”

“Because I was weak!” Seo-joon yells, his face is red when he yells. “I lost the love of my life Joy! I wasn't what I am now. I was a poor man trying to make ends meet, your mother had a better paying job than I had. I couldn't take care of a baby with a birth defect. I could hardly feed myself. I lived paycheck to paycheck. What life would you have had?” 

I swallow, what kind of life would I have had? “A loved one”.

Summer rests a hand on her father’s shoulder, “Appa. here,” she hands him a red credit card. “You remember my address right?” Seo-joon nods, but turns back to me with a pleading look on his face. “Go, I’ll be there tonight. I think Joy needs a break, I’m going to stay with her.” Summer looks at me and smiles, god she’s so beautiful. So heartbreakingly beautiful. “Besides, I want to get to know my big sister a bit more”. Seo-joon finally looks to Summer, he glares at the card in his hand. What’s on his mind? What does he want?

“Okay”, he concedes. He turns to me and I realize he’s crying again. “Can, I see you again?” I look at him, I mean really look at him. I turn to the crumbled papers on the table, the ring. 

“Okay”. Seo-joon smiles, I’m not prepared for the hug that he rushes me with. But I let him have it. I even pat his back. He doesn't smell like home. 

Summer pats her dad’s shoulder and he lets me go. He takes one more sad look at me, and then turns to Summer. They something in a language I don't understand, i assume it’s Korean. Summer smiles, her dad grins. I wonder what they’re saying. I should know. If he had kept me. Seo-joon looks at me again, he shoots me a sad smile and walks off. Summer looks at me and takes a step forward, she scratches the back of her neck and smiles. “Can I um, hug you?”

I’m struck with the urge to cry again, I nod. I just want to hold her, “Please?” I want to just feel her, be close to her. I stagger back from Summer’s bruising hug, but we stand there. Together, crying, holding each other in a fast food restaurant. 

“I know we have really only known each other like two weeks, and we barely know each other. But I honestly, really think I love you Joy.” I grin.

“I thought I was so weird for wanting to be around you all the time. My fiance told me she thought it was because I was a paramedic. But something told me that there was something between us. A connection almost. I wish I had always known you.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Summer and I are holding hands, not speaking. I keep looking at our hands, we’re different skin tones, but we match somehow. We’re alike. 

“I’m sorry by the way”.

“For what?”

“For my dad. Err, our dad”. I scoff and walk down the steps with Summer to the train station.

“He’s not my dad. He gave me up. He’s just a guy”.

“Well, I mean. He didn't just like give you up Joy. he was going through stuff, he couldn't take care of you.” I roll my eyes and let go of Summer’s hand to climb over the turn style. 

“It’s easy for you to say because he actually kept you Summer.”

“You know, we had it hard too. It wasn't all sunsets and rainbows just because he kept us.”

I turn to Summer so fast I think she thought I was going to hit her, “Are you serious? That’s so ing stupid. You dead actually had a life. You fit in. you look and match your own ing people. No matter what people will always look at me and be confused. I grew up thinking I was less than.”

“Yeah, I grew up in the shadow of a dead girl. My dad lied to me my whole life, and held me to a standard that didn't even exist. Just for it to turn out he’s full a , and this daughter he always wanted but never got is everything he actually hoped for. You’re a 26 year old with a successful career, you’re getting married to a dispatcher. A successful woman. You’re both under 30 living great lives. I’m 22 getting drunk at frat parties and relying on daddy’s money to get a job. Yeah Joy, you had it hard. But so did I. Everything I did was wrong. Every move I made was the wrong move. I lived on thin ice my entire life. My father just now started to relax. I know my dad loves me and my brothers. But we had it hard too, we were living in the shadow of someone who didn't exist. Wait till they find out you do exist, and you’re ing perfect.” 

I shaky my head at Summer as we board the train, “I’m sorry you had it rough Summer. But eventually your father will see that you’re perfect. For the rest of my life, I’ll be the asian girl with a spanish accent. People will always look at me confused. I will never belong Summer. I will always have to fight just a little bit harder. I feel a connection to people who do not feel that with me. Outside of my immediate family, I don't fit in. when I hear these stories about horrible things happening to the people I consider my people and I try to show my love, they treat me like some outsider. Puerto Ricans are a loving, beautiful people. But only if you look like them, if you sound like them. I have to work so hard, always have, for them to see me as I see them. Like family.”

“Puerto Rican’s aren't the only ones like that though Joy.” I smile at Summer and hold her hand again, her fingers are so thin. She needs to eat more. 

“I know that. Everyone is like that. All ethnicities are like that. I know. The italian mob would only let people be made if they were scicilian through and through. The KKK only thinks white people belong. The Cartel hates black people and believe only mexican’s are pure. MS13 was made to only protect Salvadorians. My friend Shawn, he’s black. But his mom is white, she ran out on him when he was a little boy so he doesn't know her, or anyone on that side of his family. Shawn is really light skinned. And his cousins, who are a lot darker than him see him as just another black guy, he’s family. But Shawn always says he has to act differently in public. Because although he feels more in touch with the black side of himself, he can't have the hair style they have, he can’t dress like them, talk like them. Because other people, see him as a white guy with a tan. Say he's culturally appropriating them. They come and they attack him. It’s just like me, I look Korean. But I sound Puerto Rican, I feel Puerto Rican, I was raised Puerto Rican. I am a Puerto Rican, but in the world. I’m faking it. I’m a wannabe. You don't deal with that Summer. Your struggles will eventually end. Mine will not.

And when I have kids, they will struggle. They will most likely have a mild accent that nobody will get. They will identify as half Puerto Rican and Korean. But they won't be Summer. My struggle and my fight will never end. Your fight will end once your father gets to know me, you won't have to fill anybodies shoes. Cause mine will be right there.”

Summer smiles at me, “You know. People aren’t evil right?”

“I know, I don't think anybody is evil. Humans naturally love other humans, despite color. It’s why you can go to a concert and see all types of people, black, white, blue, purple, brown. I can go to a Fluffy concert, and sit next to Cuban and we can laugh together. Humans aren't evil, I know this. But humans are also naturally territorial. They want to fit somewhere, and they protect it. And if you don't fit the mold they don't think you fit. And they protect themselves. Mexicans don't hate black people, and white people don't hate black people, and Puerto Ricans don't hate Dominicans. Yes, we have racism. But people don't inherently hate people, it is easier to love someone then to hate. But everyone thinks they’re better. And when you don't know where you fit. It’s hard to be claimed and protected by a certain group. Sometimes, I wish I was just dead. At least I'd fit into that mold of just dead. It’s hard trying to constantly prove yourself.”

“I’ve always had to prove myself to my dad.”

“You won't have to anymore.”

“And I don't think you will have to either. I think, maybe, in the future. In ten, maybe fifteen years from now. You’ll be seen as what you are. Not Korean, or Puerto Rican and your friend Shawn won’t be looked at as either Black or White, but you’ll both be seen as simply American. Because above all, when you google someone. Id doesn't say they’re Italian, or Irish. It says they’re American. Or Canadian. Or Korean. You do belong. You’re american. And on even simpler terms. You’re human, you bleed red. Just like everyone else.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Summer and i walked around for a couple hours after being dropped off, when the sun started to tease us with her presence i finally decided i had been out long enough. “Hey, do you want to come to my place? I have a futon you can sleep on.” Summer agreed and we walked to my apartment, when we got to the building there were two police cruisers downstairs. Weird, but it’s the bronx. 

When we got to my house, the door wasn't locked. Inside, were three police officers. And my entire family standing in the livingroom. Confused i pushed through, is Wendy okay?

“Is everything okay?” My mom gasped and everyone turned to me and Summer. I looked around the group and braced myself when Katy jumped into my arms and started kissing all over my face. “Oh Joy. Oh my sweet latin, so very tall beautiful friend. Oh man i thought you got kidnapped and trafficked or something. Oh jesus lord thank you”. With Katy koala hugging me i turned, trying to get to Wendy. 

“What is going on?” i asked, Wendy tiptoed and kissed my cheek before Katy pushed her away with her feet.

Wendy opened to answer when i felt a harsh slap to the back of my head, and then what felt like a thousand more onto my arms and back. “Y donde estabas huh! Fuiste! Porque! Todos estamos nerviosos!” (and where were you huh? You left! Why? We were all nervous!”

I flung my arm out to protect me, but Katy was firmly wrapped around me and i lost my balance and fell back onto the couch with Katy crushing. “Ya mama! Ya!” (Slang. Enough mom. Enough! Or stop.)

Wendy finally got my mom off of me, and then an officer for Katy off of me. But then everyone focused on summer and Katy was trying to jump over people to get to her. Seulgi held her back with an arm. “What in the world is going on!” I yelled. 

“We couldn’t find you babe. You’ve been gone for hours. You wouldn’t pick up your phone. We were scared.” I was going to explain myself and drop tonight bomb on everyone when I guess Irene and god had different plans. I say this, because Irene looked at Summer and went. 

“Sooyoung?” In response Summer went. “Joohyun?” And Seulgi was like. “What are you doing here Sooyoung?” 

And then Katy got mad again and tried to get at Summer, she yelled something about the taking my es now too before Irene yanked her back and said, “dude. Stop. Why are you trying to attack my cousin!”

Huh. Would you look at that. I’ve been in the presence of my cousin this entire time. Well. Ain’t that some .