Seulgi climbed the steps of the tall building with a small frown etched into her delicate features and pulled the cap further down on her head to shield from the beaming Thailand sun. She pulled open the glass door and stepped in, her shoulders relaxed in the air conditioned lobby. She strode with purpose to the uniformed man standing in the middle of the lobby, he held out a hand and a smile. “Good afternoon Seulgi”.

 

“Hello Niko. Is the general here?”

 

“Yes miss, he sent me here to fetch you and take you upstairs. He just got out of a meeting with some higher ups about new tactical lights.” Seulgi followed the tall man to the elevator and half listened as he spoke about the general. “He misses you, you know?” Seulgi simply nodded, she knew that. How could she not? She just simply didn’t miss him. “This way Seulgi.” 

 

Seulgi stared at the large red stained oak door, she pushed it open. A man she once thought was seven feet tall, who she now knew was only 5’11 stood with a bright smile. He held out a hand she once thought was big enough to hold the whole world, she now knew it was only big enough to strangle any freedom she may have. 

 

“Hello Seul. It’s great to see you.”

 

“Hi dad”, her father was broad chested and square jawed. His hair was cut into a classic military buzz, his hair maintained its youthful black. He was muscular, Seulgi always wondered how he maintained this as a man nearing his fifties. 

 

“How have you been?” He ushered her to a chair to sit. 

 

“I’ve been well. I came to give you this.” Sungmin looked down at the paper his daughter was passing him. 

 

“What is it?”

 

“To join the police force you need a cover letter explaining why you want to join. I would like you to go over it and tell me if a recruit wrote it if you’d consider them.” He sighed, and stood. 

 

“Seul, I thought we spoke about this. You shouldn’t do this. Especially in the states. It’s just not safe.” Seulgi scoffed and began pointing around the room. 

 

“Do you see this? All of this? How can you have spent my entire life in the line of fire, but the minute I intend to do the same you stop me? Do you not see the hypocrisy? Look at these medals. These photos. You are at war in all of them.”

 

“It was a different time Seulgi. I had no choice, you have a choice. You can be anything, why run to gunfire?”

 

“I want to protect people. Why can’t you understand that?”

 

“Doctors protect people. Chefs keep people fed. Why do this? If you must do this, stay here. I can push you along, work with the military here. With me.”

 

“For what? So you can control everything and I spend the rest of my life in a desk pushing paper?”

 

“You’d be safe.”

 

“I’d be suffocated. Just like I’ve been my entire life.” Sungmin shook his head. 

 

“You’re my child. My job is to protect you, when you have one of your own you’ll understand.”

 

“I won’t understand. I would never do this to my child. I would never hold them back from their potential. From their dreams.”

 

“Seulgi. Your dreams are dying in a nameless street around people who only pretend to have your back.”

 

“How can you say that? You’ve called these men your brothers since I was a child.” Sungmin stood up and began walking from his daughter. 

 

“The United States is a scary place to be an officer Seulgi. Being an officer anywhere is hard, but nobody knows you there.”

 

“I have Irene. Wendy.”

 

“Yes, two women. In a country that has 282 million people in it. You are so very protected. Seulgi the path you want is a hard and scary one. You will see things that you shouldn’t. Things I do not want for you.”

 

Seulgi threw her hands up. “You know what general. It doesn’t matter what you want. I came here to involve you in something because my mother asked me of it. Because I thought you’d finally stop trying to stop me and instead just held me. I don’t need you to be scaring me, I need you to be fortifying me.”

 

“Seul there is nothing I can do to protect you against the feeling of killing another human being. I have nothing in my arsenal to hold you when you clean the blood of your brothers off your hands. I have no advice for getting over seeing a dead child. I have nothing for you but warnings to not do this. If you choose to fight me then okay, but this will not end well. When saving lives no one bothers to wonder about yours. You’ll be helping other souls in exchange for yours”. 

 

Seulgi rolled her eyes, “forget it general Kang. My plane leaves tomorrow at 3 am. I’ll see you on my next visit.” 

 

Sungmin watched his child go, knowing in a couple years she would be back and her eyes would be as dead as his own. 

 

———————/////——————/////———————/////————/////————

 

I woke up to the smell of cigarettes and the weight of Wendy on my chest. I looked over to the black clock on the nightstand. 3:26 in the morning, as gentle as I could I slid Wendy off and placed a pillow in her arms to hug. Stepping quietly out of the guest room I followed the scent of cigarettes to the balcony where Seulgi sat on the floor leaning against the railing, a cigarette glowing between her lips. 

 

Her eyes lazily tracked me as I stepped out onto the balcony, there, I noticed the six pack sitting next to her. “As a Puerto Rican I am offended there isn’t one Corona in there. But I’ll let it pass seeing as I also enjoy a Budlight here and there.” 

 

Seulgi snorted and I flinched as ash fell off the cigarette and onto her white t-shirt. I settled myself next to Seulgi and also leaned my back against the railing, reaching over I pulled the cigarette from her lips and took a drag of it before throwing it over my shoulder and over the railing. 

 

“That was my last cigarette”, Seulgi murmured. 

 

“As it should be.”

 

“Of that pack”, Seulgi laughed as she reached into the box with only two beers left and pulled out a green and white carton of Newport cigarettes. 

 

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” I chuckled. 

 

“Nope!” Seulgi sang, before falling back heavily against the railing and ripping the plastic off the pack. “My dad used to smoke these, I used to throw one out the window everyday. I wonder if he ever noticed.”

 

“Why did you do that?” Seulgi shrugged and her head lolled to face me. 

 

“I thought that if I threw one out for everyone he smoked I’d be helping him. It was one less cigarette he’d smoke. It was stupid.”

 

“Did he stop?”

 

“y’know. I’m not sure. There came a point where I stopped throwing them out and just started smoking them myself. And then I couldn’t keep it up, and just got my own. Can’t really share a pack with someone when you smoke a pack a day yourself.”

 

Seulgi set a cigarette between her lips and grinned at me, “do I look cool?” She asked with slurred speech, she pointed to something next to me. 

 

“Cooler than anything I’ve ever seen”, I said and reached for the purple lighter I had accidentally sat on. I held the open plan to the end of the cigarette and watched Seulgi’s walls break as she took a drag and grabbed a beer. 

 

“Want one?”

 

“Sure.” 

 

“Does Wendy know you’re out here?” I cracked open the can and shook my head. “Is she asleep?”

 

“Yep. Snug as a bug in a rug. Is Irene asleep?”

 

“Yeah, knocked out. She sleeps well, and rarely wakes up in the middle of the night. She says she used to wake up a lot as a teen.”

 

“Maybe she just feels safe now so her body relaxes.”

 

Seulgi grabbed herself a beer and cracked it open. “Maybe. Why are you out here Joy?”

 

I shrugged, “can't I just spend time with my favorite ninja? I’ll be pregnant soon man, gotta get in all my bad habits before it’s too late.” I took a sip and let the cool wash down my throat before tapping Seulgi’s chin. “Let’s make a deal.”

 

“I don't like deals.”

 

“You’re a cop. You guys always make deals.”

 

“We don’t make deals with terrorists.”

 

“I’m not a terrorist.” 

 

Seulgi took another long drink from the can and laughed, I felt the urge to grab the cigarette that was about to fall from her fingers but decided that maybe Seulgi needed to get burnt to wake up. “Well, I am terrified.”

 

“Is it happening again?” 

 

Seulgi nodded and turned to me with trembling lips. “You too?” I shook my head. “Oh”.

 

“Will you tell me what’s going on?”

 

“I see them. All the time.”

 

“Durrel?”

 

“No. Everyone else. Do you know, I have the highest accuracy rate? It’s why I’m always in the front, because there’s a higher chance that I’ll hit the target faster and more accurately than anyone else in my team. Did you know it’s rare for women to do that? It’s why it’s rare for there to be women snipers.” 

 

“You’re a rare breed.”

 

“Or sick.” Seulgi downed the rest of the can and pointed to mine, “You gonna finish that?” She slurred. I held it out to her. “Thanks.”

 

“Have you seen anyone about this?” Seulgi shook her head. 

 

“I don’t need a shrink. I’ve got these guys!” Seulgi laughed, motioning to the pack of cigarettes and cans of beer lying around. 

 

Oh buddy, what’s going on in that head of yours? “Seulgi have you ever heard of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?” She nodded. “Do you think maybe you have some of that going on?”

 

“I’m not a soldier.”

 

“So? It doesn’t just affect soldiers. It can affect anyone who has gone through a traumatic experience.”

 

“I haven’t gone through one though.” I scoffed. 

 

“Seul, you killed two men today.” Seulgi jumped as if I had burned her and glared at me. 

 

“I don't like it when you say it like that. How do you know about that?” 

 

“Katy was training a newbie and they were on your scene for the little kids. She told me.” 

 

“Tell Katy to mind her business. Those weren’t men. Those were monsters that prey on the weak. I saved lives today.”

 

I nodded, “yah Seul you did. I’m not saying you didn’t. But it’s gotta be hard.”

 

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

 

“Okay fine. We don’t have to talk. But can we do like we used to? Just hang and talk? We don’t have to talk about anything serious, I just want to be here like before.”

 

“I told you I don’t make deals with terrorists.”

 

“I told you I’m not a terrorist.” 

 

“And I told you I’m terrified.”

 

—————/////————/////—————/////—————/////———/////———-

 

Katy glared at me from across the table. I shrugged. If our friend needs help then she should be willing to help. It doesn’t matter if she’s not on the best terms and friend is a friend is a friend and you gotta be one. “Do you even understand what you’re asking me to do?”

 

“Hey! You guys keep in contact.”

 

“Yeah. As in she shows up in New York. Leaves a voicemail. I return the call. We go running together. Have breakfast. We don’t see each other again for a year or two. That’s it.”

 

Is this chick stupid? That’s a lot of contact. “Katy. That’s a lot more in touch than you think.”

 

“How! It’s one day!”

 

“Yeah but you eat and work out together. You don’t even work out with me!” And I bet! Katy’s description of working out is burning calories through . 

 

“Saeron has a six pack. What do you have?” I gasp. I’ll have you know Wendy loves my belly. 

 

“Hey! I don’t need a six pack. I have definition.”

 

“Yeah the definition of a flat stomach. That is it. Nothing else. Seulgi is jacked. You are flat. Yuri is ripped. You have . Saeron was modeled after Zeus and chiseled by stone. You simply exist.”

 

I hope she trips into dog . “I hate you.”

 

“Don’t hate the messenger. Hate the message.”

 

“Oh screw you, are you going to help or not?” 

 

“Joy, I haven’t spoken to Ron since Eric and I got together. It’s a bit weird. She didn’t even tell me she was in town this time. How am I supposed to ask her for help?”

 

“Okay fine. Don’t. Just give me her number and I’ll talk to her.” Katy’s face blanched, oh god. Is she choking? “Katy?”

 

“Um. No. I’ll do it.”

 

“But you just said”.

 

“Nope. I’ll do it. It’s fine.”

 

“Why don’t you want me to talk to Saeron?”

 

“Cause. Like. That’s weird.”

 

“How?” I raised a brow at Katy who started stuffing chips in . “Oh! You’re keeping secrets! We don’t keep secrets!”

 

“I’m not keeping secrets!” She yelled with chips flying everywhere. 

 

“Gross. And yes you are! Your ears are as red as a dirty tampon!”

 

“Oh that is just disgusting. You couldn’t come up with a better description? Ew man.”

 

“Oh hush. What are you keeping from me?”

 

“It’s nothing really. Just. Like. You’re not Ron’s favorite person in the whole wide world.” Me? What did I do?

 

“What? Why?” 

 

Katy visibly gulped, oh god. Do I wanna know? “She thought I had a crush on you back in college.” I stared. 

 

“What?” Katy shrugged. 

 

“Look, I was a ty girlfriend okay.”

 

“But what does that have to do with me? And what does her thinking you had a crush have to do with you being ty? Just cause she thought it doesn’t make you ty. She should have known better.” 

 

“Well I should’ve shown her my focus was more on her. She felt like I spent more time with you” I waved Katy off. 

 

“If a woman can’t tell the difference  between friends and girlfriends she’s stupid. She shouldn’t have canceled all your guys' plans. I mean really. Who makes plans one minute and then just cancels them literally within the same hour? Saeron was a loser.” Katy choked on her juice. What an idiot. 

 

“Yeah. Totally.” She punched at her chest. “She def shouldn't have. Like totally. So many canceled plans. A loser. Completely.” 

 

“Well allv that stupidness aside. She’s still a marine and she can help Seulgi through her stuff.”

 

“Is it the bank stuff again?”

 

“No. It’s just the job. She sees so much bad stuff daily. She has killed. She has been shot at. She’s lost friends. She’s seen children hurt. She literally is knees deep in the world's most disgusting and dangerous people. She’s just wading through the muck of the world man.” Katy sighs and leans over to hold my hand. 

 

“Tell me something, when you were talking to her. Did it feel like it was something that talking to a friend would help, or like she was going to need something a bit more?”

 

I squeeze Katy’s hands and shrug, “I don't know. She looks broken and I’m scared. I just want her to talk to someone for now. If after talking to Saeron she does nothing and gets worse. Than I’ll try to convince her to get help.”

 

“Do you think it has anything to do with Irene being pregnant”

 

“It probably makes things worse. Before she was stressed and now she’s scared. Will you talk to Ron?”

 

“For you. Yes. And for Seulgi. But enough about that. Let’s talk about the wedding. Four months. When is the trip to Pattaya for the venue and stuff?” 

 

“Thirteen days.”

 

“And when do you get the y’know in your who-hah.”

 

“ you have slept with half of the Bronx and you can’t say when am I gonna get turkey bastered? 

 

“Oh god. You really just said that! Daddy is so proud of you.” I threw a fry at Katy. 

 

“I hate you. And that’s in four days.”

 

“So like how are you gonna do this? Ride the turkey baster? Missionary? Ohh doggy style?” 

 

“Oh what the !” I yelled, jumping from my seat and covering my ears. I hate her. 

 

—————/////————/////—————/////————/////———/////———

 

Because I am a good person. A child of god you could say. I invited everyone out to a nice seafood dinner. “It’s pretty over here.” Wendy pointed out. 

 

“When we were kids Joy and I planned to move here. Remember Mari?” I nodded at Junito who was sitting in the back seat with Saeron. 

 

“Really? You guys were gonna move here?”

 

Wendy turned to Junito and Saeron. “So like. Question. Is it gonna be weird for you guys?”

 

“Weird?” Saeron asked. 

 

“Yeah. Being around all our friends? If it Is that’s totally fine I’ll not leave you alone for long.” 

 

“Miss Wendy, I disarm bombs for a living. I think I can manage around your friends for a day. Bedsides. I have Juni. And I know Katy.” 

 

Wendy smiles, “okay good. And maybe you and Joy can be super friends like Katy and her.” Junito chuckled and I rolled my eyes. She thought Katy had a crush on me. We couldn’t be friends. She’s blind. 

 

“Of course”, Saeron laughed. 

 

We pulled up to Johnnys reef and followed the sound of yelling because there was no way Katy was just quietly eating shrimp. “The last time we ate here, Katy and Irene had a full out brawl.” Wendy told Saeron as she walked around my car to hold my hand. 

 

“Why?”

 

“Because Katy is one fall away from going full retard.” 

 

Inside Katy was telling a story to Irene and Seulgi. Oh thank god they seem to be getting along again. Where’s Eric? “Hey guys” I greeted. 

 

There was a round of hugging and kissing before I settled down next to Katy. “Where’s Eric?” 

 

“He said he didn’t feel so good, I offered to stay with him but he said he didn’t want me to get sick too so I came.” I nodded and watched as Wendy passed Saeron around the group like a golden lamb. 

 

“I’ve already met everyone Wendy.” 

 

“Oh yeah. I forgot. Well sit sit. Let’s eat. Honey let’s get clams too, come with me.” But I don’t wanna get up, I pouted but got up anyway. 

 

At the line, Wendy yanked me to the ATM in the entrance, “babe what the hell!” 

 

“Shh!” I winced as Wendy shoved a finger over my lips. “Oh baby I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s okay amor.”

 

“Oh you’re so cute.”

 

“No you’re cute.”

 

“Well you’re cuter”

 

“Nope! You are.” 

 

We jumped when someone clears their throat behind us, “uh I gotta get to the ATM.”

 

“Oh, erm. My bad bro.” I pulled Wendy outside. “What did you want to tell me?”

 

“Oh yeah. Babe! Do you see what’s happening?”

 

“Uh, people are eating shrimp?”

 

“No! Katy’s ex comes back, the one you said she was all broken about. And then! She doesn’t bring her boyfriend to the next outing? Doesn’t that seem suspicious to you?” Hmm, now that I think about it. 

 

“I guess. But Katy said Eric was sick.”

 

“So why didn’t she stay with him? I always stay with you when you’re sick.”

 

“He told her to come. She said she offered to stay.”

 

“Yeah but if someone feels bad they’ll always be like nah I’m good. Or they’ll say something like it’s up to you. They’ll never say yes or no. She should’ve just stayed. And Eric seemed fine when we saw him at the clinic a couple days ago.” I shrugged. 

 

“All good points. But it really could just be coincidence. Let’s not read into it. I asked Katy to talk to Saeron so she could talk to Seulgi about some of the things she’s going through.” Wendy’s face morphed from Sherlock Holmes to angry in like a millisecond. 

 

“I knew it!” She whisper yelled before punching my arm. Ow! “I knew you and Seulgi had something going on. What is it? Irene says she’s been acting weird. Do you know she has a book with newspaper clippings of all her kills with S.W.A.T.”

 

“Dead ?”

 

“Yeah!”

 

“Oh that is not healthy. Well I brought Saeron in hopes she and Seulgi could talk and she could give her tips or something.”

 

“Hopefully”, Wendy sighed. Eventually we made it back to the table after ordering more food. I smiled watching everyone get along, Saeron and Katy seemed to be avoiding each other’s eyes which is fine. I refuse to look into it. Katy says she really likes Eric so I trust it. Besides, Saeron is a jealous woman. 

 

“So! How did the appointment go?” Seulgi asked, sipping from her piña colada. 

 

“It was good. In like four days we have the other half of the appointment for the big stuff.”

 

“She said she’s going to ride the turkey baster”, Katy pipped up, mouthful of shrimp. 

 

Irene sputtered over her lemon water and gaped. “Did you really just say that?” 

 

“What! She said she was! She said, and I quote. I am going to roll these Latin hips all up on-“ I slapped a hand over . 

 

“I said no such thing you sinner.” Ew! She just my hand that nasty woman. 

 

“Is that like a Puerto Rican thing?” Saeron asked, eating grin plastered to her face. It wasn’t long before everyone was making jokes, poor Irene looked like she was going to pass out from the jokes. 

 

“Hey! Is that a gun?” Seulgi spun around where a woman was pointing to Seulgi’s hip. We all looked up to watch Seulgi, I glanced at Saeron like she might save us if something happens. She looked confused at the woman. 

 

“Yeah, I’m a cop.” Seulgi said, still facing the woman. 

 

“That is so cool. Can I touch it?” She stumbled forward and it felt like within a blink of an eye Saeron was up and standing between Seulgi and the woman. 

 

“Hey let’s not do that.” 

 

“Get the off!” The woman yelled, man I bet her breath smells. I jumped up following Seulgi who had stood up after Saeron. I felt Wendy tug on my hand and tried to wiggle free before the woman slapped Saeron. 

 

I gasped when the woman shot forward again to slap at Irene who had stood to grab Seulgi, Katy lunged forward on the table to yank Irene back before Seulgi simply and soundly yanked her taser free and tazed the woman. 

 

“Oh my god!” I yelled. I walked around to grab Irene so she wouldn’t be around the scene. Saeron started yelling Seulgi’s name, who was standing and just tazing the flailing, screaming woman. “Seulgi! Stop!”

 

“Joy stop! Let Saeron stop her.” Wendy yelled when I tried to pull Seulgi back. 

 

“Jesus!” I yelled as Saeron wound an arm around Seulgi’s neck and began tightening her hold. “You’re choking her!” Irene yelled. 

 

Jesus what is going on. “She won’t stop!” Seulgi’s face turned red as she started pulling at Saeron’s arm, her legs buckled and she fell to her knees with Saeron still holding tight around her neck. 

 

“Relax Seulgi. Everything is gonna be fine. Let’s just breathe okay?” How is she supposed to breathe with you choking her? It fell silent when Saeron had Seulgi out on the floor, Irene was the first one to be beside the unconscious Seulgi. 

 

“What did you do?” 

 

“She choked her out”, Katy said, rolling Seulgi onto her back to check her airways. “We need to get out of here.”

 

“I agree. Wendy. Drive my car. I’ll take Seulgi and her car, it’s bigger so we can lay her down. She’s gonna be up in a couple minutes.” Like we were preparing to run from the police we started getting everything ready to run. 

 

“I’m gonna stay for the police to get here.” Katy said as I closed the door behind Seulgi. 

 

“What why?”

 

“Seulgi tazed that woman for over 30 seconds. She could have done damage and we just left. I’m gonna stick around. Make sure she’s okay.”

 

“But you came with Irene and seul.”

 

“I’ll stay with her.” I turned to the voice behind me, Saeron was walking up to us. 

 

“I’ll stay with her, Junito said he’ll come back for us in his civic. It’s fine. Go ahead.” I turned to Katy and eyed her with that best friend telepathy. 

 

“It’s fine. Go ahead. Talk to Seulgi. Whatever that was, wasn’t normal.” I nodded, kissed Katy on the cheek and hopped into the truck. 

 

———————/////——————/////———————/////————/////————

 

Seulgi watched as Irene paced, she looked so upset. “Jagi I’m sorry.” 

 

“Just. Stop. Please don’t talk. I just, I just need to think.” Seulgi nodded but stood anyway. 

 

“Can you at least sit. I don’t want you to get dizzy and fall or anything.”

 

“Seulgi do you hear yourself? I’m not going to fall. And even if I did I’d be fine. People fall all the time. The bed is right there.”

 

“But Rene, the baby. Something could happen to the baby. Just sit please.” Irene glared at her before taking two long strides to Seulgi. 

 

“Okay. I’ll sit. But only if you explain what the is going on right now.” 

 

Seulgi swallowed harshly but nodded, guiding Irene down onto the mattress. “Are you okay? Do you want something to drink?”

 

“Kang Seulgi. Explain. I don’t want water. I don’t want food. I don’t want anything but for you to explain yourself. Do you understand what you did today? You assaulted someone. And then we ing ran from the cops.”

 

“I am a cop.”

 

“That doesn’t mean you’re allowed to just taze people.”

 

“You’re my girl and the future mother of my child. I don’t care about all these other people, the world be damned if it thinks it’ll hurt you. I don’t feel bad. She was trying to hurt you.”

 

Irene stared wide eyed. Was this even Seulgi anymore? Was this the same Seulgi that locked herself in a dog cage? The same Seulgi that drove a banana car into a falafel truck? The same Seulgi that fell for every prank? Who is this woman? 

 

“Seulgi. What happened to you?”

 

“What?” 

 

“You. What happened to the cute ditz I fell in love with?”

 

“A cute ditz can’t protect you Irene.”

 

“You managed it for nearly ten years.” Seulgi dropped to her knees, grasped Irene’s hands and squeezed. 

 

“You’re pregnant Irene. This world is an evil place. I’m only trying to keep you safe.” 

 

Irene’s eyed Seulgi, took in her sharp eyes. High cheeks and chapped lips. “You sound like your father.”

———————/////——————/////———————/////————/////—————/////————

 

Irene looked like she’d been crying for two years straight. After dropping Irene and Seulgi off last night Wendy had offered to stay but Irene said she wanted to talk to Seulgi alone. Whatever the conversation had turned into, Irene was here now at six in the morning looking like death. 

 

I looked around, is Seulgi not here? 

 

“Hey Irene. Come in”, Irene nodded, tears rolling down her pale cheeks. Oh man, my favorite couple. Irene stepped forward and then as if she just had no more strength simply stopped in front of my chest and dropped her head against my shoulder. I wrap my arms as tight as I can around her and just hold her, sometimes all you need is some human contact. “Do you want to sit?” 

 

With a hiccup Irene took a step back and nodded, she looked like a lost three year old. Oh I just wanna give her a Caprisun and tell her it’s gonna be okay. “Go ahead. Sit down. I’m going to lock the door.”

 

“No don't.”

 

“Don’t?”

 

“No. Seulgi is sitting downstairs.” She brought the woman she was trying to get away from?

 

“Um. Is she coming in?”

 

“No. But she might just take a battering ram to your door. She had no problem just tazing a woman!” I bit my lip at Irene’s outburst, she’s so tiny and angry. 

 

“Okay. Did you bring her because you didn’t want to drive?”

 

“No. She wouldn’t let me leave upset unless she drove because she thought I would crash the car into something.” I shrugged in understanding and sat next to Irene. 

 

“Well I mean. You shouldn’t drive upset or sad. You could drive erratically.”

 

“It’s bull. She’s acting just like her father.”

 

“Wendy says he’s in the army. Is he a hard ?”

 

Irene snorted and shook her head, “don’t let Sungmin hear you say that. He wasn’t in the army, he’s a Navy general. And no, he isn’t a hardass. He’s a very paranoid man, he didn’t let Seulgi really have a life as a child so they don’t have the best relationship.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Well firstly. He moved the family around a lot, so Seulgi has always felt she didn’t belong. And then, he was always afraid something would happen to her so he never let her have a life. He never let her get a job, her first job was the police force here in the US. Even then he did his best to get her not to come. Seulgi always said she would never be like him but now look at her.” 

 

I grabbed Irene’s hand in mine and squeezed it, “when I was a little girl my mom used to baby me. Not too much different than how she is now. But she was just there, just always hovering. One night titi (aunt), Junitos mom. Went to my mother and told her that the more you hover and the more you smother the more your child fights you. And then my mom said, pendeja callate (shut up stupid).”

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“It means shut up stupid.”

 

“Um was this supposed to be like an awe inspiring story or something? Cause if so it needs work.” I laughed and kissed the side of Irene’s head. 

 

“There was a point. The point was what my mother said afterwards. She told my aunt that my aunt would never understand because she looked at me like a miracle. That while she understood that Tití loved Junito, that she simply didn’t understand what it was to want something so bad and be told over and over you couldn’t have it, but then achieve it. 

 

She said it’s like saving up for a car when you’re a teenager, it becomes your baby because you worked so hard for it. You did everything you could despite people saying you couldn’t. When you have it, the idea that it could leave terrifies you. So despite my aunt asking my mom to relax, my mother just kept on. Unlike Seulgi though, I never felt smothered or like I wasn’t allowed a life. My dad balances my mom well.” 

 

There was a knock on the door before Seulgi’s head popped in, “Seulgi. What are you doing!” Irene yelled, tears already coming back. 

 

“I’m just checking on you”, Seulgi whined from the doorway. 

 

“I don’t want you to! I’m here! I’m fine!” Irene yelled back. I fought my laugher as Seulgi stayed behind the front door, but started jumping in place like a child. 

 

“But I needed to see you!”

 

“You see me! Now go!”

 

“But you’re crying! I can’t leave now.”

 

“Then go stand outside!”

 

“Look. I’m just going to”, Seulgi yelped as Irene chucked one or Wendy’s throw pillows. Better not rip those, Wendy’ll never find the right combo again and I’ll have to shop for hours on end again. “That wasn’t very nice.”

 

“You tazed someone!”

 

“I was protecting you!” 

 

“What in the world is going on?” Wendy asked, face all red and hair a mess. Oh isn’t she just the cutest thing you’ve ever set your eyes on? 

 

“Hey baby, I’m just setting up my own episode of Maury in the living room. It’ll be fine.”

 

“Is that my pillow?” Wendy asked as she took a step forward and kissed my head. “Baby! You let Irene throw it! You know she has talons for nails and I’ll never find the perfect combination again.” 

 

“Sorry she threw it before I could stop her”, I defended. Standing up to throw a stern look at Irene and Seulgi. “No more throwing things!”

 

“And Seulgi why are you standing in the door like a creep?” Wendy asked. 

 

“Irene won’t let me sit inside.”

 

“You might taze one of them if they sit next to me “. Oh that’s cold. 

 

“I would never! I love Wannie and Joy’s your cousin!” 

 

“That woman could have been my cousin!”

 

“She was a random woman!”

 

“Well with my uncles track record who knows! Joy was a random woman!”

 

“That woman was white!”

 

“Shut up!” Irene yelled again and threw another pillow. Wendy groaned and tucked her head into my neck. 

 

“My pillows!” She cried.

 

I pat my brave girl on the , this has got to be hard. “Be strong love bug. Be strong.” Finally Seulgi grew some balls and just came inside. I wanted to choke her for coming into my house with a gun, when she learns to relax hopefully the whole going everywhere with a gun thing stops first. 

 

“Seulgi I said leave.”

 

“I’m not leaving when you’re upset like this.”

 

“You’re the reason I’m upset.”

 

“Well let me fix it then.”

 

“That’s a good idea”, I piped in. “Seulgi. Why don’t you sit here with me. And Wendy baby you sit with Irene. Let’s all just talk this stuff out. Everyone cool with that?” A bit more whining and another pillow later, and we were all seated in a trusty trust circle passing around a wrapped tampon as the speech stick. 

 

“So we can only talk if we’re holding this?” Seulgi asked. I nodded. 

 

“Yep. It’s called the taking tampon. Or the trust tampon. Doesn't matter. You can only talk if you’re holding it.”

 

“Okay. So do I go first?”

 

“No. Rock paper scissors.” Four rounds of Rock Paper Scissors later, because Irene swears everyone cheats. Irene was holding the trust tampon. 

 

“I’m worried about you Seulgi.”

 

“There’s-“ I held a hand out, “ah-ah! You don’t have the talk tampon!” I chastised. 

 

“You’re acting weird Seul. You’re scared and paranoid and you bring your gun everywhere. I saw your book in your drawer. Why would you want to be reminded of your kills?” Seulgi let out a shuddering breath and turned to me. 

 

I leaned forward and snatched the trust tampon, “let me get your a beer.” 

 

“You could’ve-“ I threw the trust tampon at Wendy. 

 

“No talking without the tampon! Jeez babe! Set an example.” Quickly I ran to the fridge and grabbed a short six pack can of Coronas and ran back to the living room. I grabbed the tampon from Wendy and looked at Irene, “Sorry. You’re pregnant. Do you want juice?” She opened to speak and I glared. 

 

Irene pointed at the trust tampon and I handed it over. “Do you have lemon water?”

 

“Of course!” I said, but not before grabbing the tampon. One can only speak when holding it! Finally once again settled and Irene sipping on lemon water. Seulgi began. 

 

“I don’t keep the book to remind myself of some sick kills. I’m not like that. You should know that. I keep it because I don’t want to forget the lives I saved in the place for the ones I took. 

 

Sometimes I feel like I’m just some thug they have a license to kill others. I just need to see that I’m helping and that the blood on my hands isn’t just me fighting a winless battle. And then I get scared. Because I love you. I’m in love with you and I always have been. 

 

When you said you wanted to start a family I was so excited. I was so ready to teach a little is how the world works, but then I met a man who took children and hurt them in the worst kind of way and all I could think was. What if he was my baby’s teacher? And then I arrested a man and woman who made drugs and sold them to teenagers who didn’t even understand life yet. And I thought, what if they tricked my baby? 

 

Everywhere I looked all I saw was danger and what if’s and I’m scared Irene. I’m ing terrified. I can’t lose you and I can’t lose this baby. This world is so sick and twisted and I don’t know any way to keep everyone safe, but to always be prepared.” Seulgi broke open a can and took a sip and I think my heart is breaking. Wendy leaned forward and slid the truth tampon from Seulgi’s hand and spoke. 

 

“Seul. You don’t need to protect everyone. And you’re not a murderer. You have every right to be scared because you’re right. This world can be evil. But this world and this life is always what we make it. Right now my life is beautiful. I’m getting married, I’m going to have a baby. I’m going to be an aunt. And my best friend Kang Seulgi is a superhero who rides in a truck and takes down those who would hurt my way of life. 

 

I know this isn’t easy. And I know what I’m saying is easier understood than believed. But you aren’t a monster. And you are going to raise a strong baby who will know right from wrong and will be able to rely on you also. Everything is going to be okay. But you need to be okay too.”

 

Seulgi took a deep breath, “can I please talk without grabbing the tampon?” I rolled my eyes at seulgi’s whines but allowed it for the sake of the trust circle. 

 

“I’m not ready to talk about everything else. Not here. Not with you guys.”

 

“Why not? I’m literally pregnant with your child.” Irene countered. Seulgi opened , but Irene was already talking again. See this is why I instituted the talking tampon. “I mean really Seul. We share everything. Why can’t you share this?”

 

“Because you wouldn’t understand Irene. You don’t understand the dreams. Or the shakes I get. Or the fear and the anxiety. The only time I feel in control is when I’m holding my gun and getting ready to shoot.” 

 

Oh that hurt. Seulgi looked down like she was ashamed and pulled the tab off the can. Wendy was looking at me as worried as I felt. It was so quiet. Irene looked stunned, what do I even do in a situation like this? 

 

“Seulgi. If I found you someone who did understand. And went through similar things. Would you be willing to talk to them” Seulgi shrugged and I smiled at my wounded warrior. 

 

Maybe Saeron could help.