We were having a quick break between filming until Taeyeon unnie called me. I happily answered to ask if I was able to go on the trip, as a few of us had planned to go on a small trip together after the holiday season before Jonghyun Oppa starts his promotion for his solo comeback. When I picked up it the line was silent; I called her name a few time to make sure if it was a dialled. Just when I was about to hang up when I heard a few sniffling. "Unnie what's wrong? Why are you crying? Did something happen?" "He's gone."

"Who's gone? Zero your dog?"

"... No" 

She told me what happened. I don't know how to feel; I couldn't get my mind straight; I can't focus on the filming. I don't care what the viewers will think. I can't believe this is the reality. Taeyeon and all the members buy Key was already at the service place preparing for the wake. Before I had to go back to filming, I gave Taemin a text, telling him that I'm here.

It has been a whole day since the news broke, and it was everywhere. I was debating for an entire day whether or not to go to the wake. There were so many fans, and I'm scared of them, especially after I did the show. But this is someone more than just a colleague of mine; he's my friends; someone who's been there for me, a person where they could make the room shine so bright with just a smile. I've sent a few text messages to Taeyeon, Taemin, and Minho but of course, they didn't answer. How could they, I know the last thing I would want to do is look at my phone when someone very close to me is gone.

The members had convinced me to go. As I was getting ready to go, I was so angry. Angry at my self. 

All of these people were there for me when I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Why is it so hard for me to be a supporter of the people I love. 

I came with bags of clothes for all then to change into, as I know that they have been there before the company confirmed the news. I was lucky that not many people saw us go in. I handed the bag over to one of the managers to let them know later. As I walked further in, I could see everyone who came, all sitting to talk, all having too much sorrow. I was the last member to show my respect. 

I couldn't do it. Not because I didn't want to, but because my legs wouldn't let me go closer. I let other people go ahead of me as I couldn't stop staring at the picture in front of me. I was still trying to take it all in when I felt someone put their hand on my shoulder. It was Chorong unnie; she nodded her head as if it's to tell me that it's okay. Telling me that I need to give my respect. I finally took a step forward, and I could feel eyes on me. I was taking forever, I know it. It felt as if the longer I took, the longer I could deny what was happening. 

Once I gave my respect, I walked towards him. I've never seen him like this before, so broken. I was scared to stand to close as I was afraid that the slightest thing would break him down. As I got closer, he slowly lifted his head. One look at him and I knew. Without thinking, we both embraced each other as if our lives depended on it. After spending years together, I have never seen him cry like this, or cry in general really. I stayed holding him until he let go. "I'm here if you need anything okay?" He gave me a slight nod, and with that, I went to look for Taeyeon. After talking to her for a little bit, I bid goodbye to everyone and left. I was lucky that no one had an excellent capture of me leaving. I was a mess as I stepped out. 

It has been a month since I last saw anyone. After everything wrapped up, Taemin hasn't come back to his apartment, which is understandable. He's been staying with his parents or with Minho. Every few days I would go up there to replace some of the food in the fridge just in case he does come back. I've visited Taeyeon a few times, but every time I came over Tiffany or someone else would already be there. Not wanting to suffocate her with my presence I would ask them to let her know that I came by. I've called Minho once to ask if he needed anything, but he didn't pick up. Instead, he replied with a text asking for some space. 

When I finally dare to reach out to the people I care the most I get pushed away. Is this what it feels like, to be around me. I've always been the type to drive everyone away at some point.

I decided to go back home for a few days as I heard that my dad tried to take out another loan behind my back. After having a heated conversation, I needed to leave. I went to one of the only few places that make me feel at peace for a bit, the church. As I walked in, it was empty like usual. I was so focused on my praying that I didn't notice that someone had sat down next to me. I finished the prayer and slowly opened my eyes; it was none other than him. Even with a baseball cap, a mask, and his glasses on, I could always tell that it's him. We sat there in silence as we stared at each other. "Did you know that today was the day we broke up?"

I let out a small smile. "Yeah, I could never forget that day. It was also the day we lost Alex." At this point I couldn't look at him; the same goes for him as he hung his head low. "You named him Alex?"

"Well, I don't know if Alex was a boy or girl since it was early in the pregnancy. It just didn't feel right not to give the baby a name; it made me feel more connected to it if there was a name."

"Alex, the defender of men or brave. After a saint, good choice."

We've stayed there for a bit longer and prayed. I prayed for the people around me to feel the love that they have around them. I prayed for my family to give me a break, I prayed for my members lastly, I prayed for Alex. For Alex to know that they are loved, and if I had a choice, I would've done all I could have to protect it. After a while, we decided that it's time to leave. 

Being the nice guy that he is, he walked me back to my place. As we reached the front of the door, I turned to him to thank you. "Naeun-ah, I heard that you've been rejecting all the guys that have approached you. Is that true?"

"Yeah..."

"I know this is a lot to ask for, but do you think you can continue rejecting them."

Not proofread.