As the end of the year ceremony gets very chaotic for all the artist in the industry, the company decided to host a party a few days after the new year. As everyone was having fun, catching up with one another, I was constantly checking my phone to see if Naeunie had come back from her last Japan schedule. It was the very last one before her decision on Apink contract renewal. 

Being visibly anxious, waiting for a reply. I stepped out to give her a call, knowing that it'll go straight to voice mail. Being the hothead that I am, I kicked the garbage can nearby. We had gotten into a fight about how she thinks I've become distant. Maybe I less willingly wanted to make time to see her. Shinee is gearing up for the upcoming world tour in a few weeks; the practice has been nonstop. After the concert, we had discussed that we would want to start preparing for our comeback. The year had just begun, but it's already fully packed.

It doesn't help that Dispatch had gotten pictures of us in the past and recently, where the company has been on my about not getting caught. I've just been lucky that I was able to pay them off. 

I know that she had given up on a lot of opportunities in the past to stay hidden from the press a bit less. She had suffered from our We Got Married days, the pain of Yookyung leaving the group; the constant hate she receives for just being her. I know about the loans sharks that were a burden to her, the unloved feeling from her family as she never felt anything more than a bank for them.

Remembering our first vacation with both mine and her family in Jeju-do, her father had pulled me aside to ask me to help him with the loan. From that point on, I had taken on the role to pay back the loan sharks for her. Of course, she doesn't have a clue. She didn't tell me about them for a reason; I have the same right for not telling her. I wanted to protect her; I need to. She's someone who only receives misfortune despite her loving and kindness that's within her. 

As I was about to go back into the room, someone came out. "YAH! Kai has been looking everywhere for you. Go look for him; I'm sick of him worrying about you. Is he my boyfriend or yours." Krystal from f(x) said with sarcasm, as always. I'm glad that they had gotten together after both playing the push and pull game. Although it was weird at first how both of my close friends started dating, I do wish nothing but the best for them.

 As I just gave a slight nod and a tight smile, I proceed to go into the room when she stopped me. "Hey, are you okay? Did something happen?" Before I know it, we were both seated at a nearby coffee shop. "Now tell me, what's going on? Is this about your love life?" Letting out a small chuckle, I forget how straightforward she can be. "Naeun and I got into a fight." "Okay, that's normal for couples. You fight, then you talk it out after it's resolved." 

"This time just feels different."

"What makes it different? What is the fight even about."

"She keeps saying that I've been acting differently lately."

"Well, have you?"

"Um... N-no I haven't." She looked at him with a raised brow, as if she knew it wasn't wholly the answer she was looking for. "Well... we've been caught twice already, and if it happens again this might be the last tour Shinee would ever go on; our comeback might not happen. We've been caught only recently too, which is only happening because Naeun has been doing more projects."

She let out a sigh and took a bit before opening . "Taemin-ah, you knew the risk of pursuing her after the show. You knew the pain she went through in the public eye with just the mention of your name. She can't be sitting around waiting for the day you want to retire and live happily. She's an idol too, she needs to make a name for herself, and not just some girl that got married to you on some show; or dating Lee Taemin. You want to have it all with ease. Why do you think it took Kai and I a while before we officially got together. We talked about the possible outcomes with us wanting to date. You need to think about what you want. Because as of right now, to keep both of these precious things to you; it'll one day go up into flames. Just talk it out." 

With that, she got a phone call from Kai asking where we were. We then proceed to go back to the party.

Here we are sitting in one of our favourite cafe not too far from her practice room. She looks so tired, skinnier than usual. She can barely look at me as if she knew what was going to come out of my mouth — taking in a deep breather to calm my nerves. "Naeun-ah, I don't want this anymore. It's too tiring. I'm tired of everything." I can feel something break from within. 

She's refusing to take a glance at me, her eyes shaking from the tears threatening from falling. "Why?" she said a whisper barely. 

"You knew that this wasn't what I wanted." I didn't want this at all. Not like this. 

"This wasn't something you wanted? What do you mean by that, for the past three years was nothing? You came onto me; you said it'd work!" She spat out like venom. 

No, I didn't want this. I don't want to lose this. Being with you has been more than I have ever wanted. To protect you, this would work.

"Look, you wanted to love for eternity, but I'm ju-"

She interrupted me by standing up. Still not daring to take a look at me. "Stop, I don't want to hear it." 

With that, she left.

Yes, leave me. Leave me as I can't keep my promises to you. Leave me as I'm selfish and need to prove myself. As I'm selfish and need you to walk away from me because I cannot.

As I was heading down to Naeun's apartment to surprise her with dinner, she is still filming for her show; I wanted to get everything set up before she comes back. Just as I was locking my door, I got a phone call. A call I never knew I would ever receive.

All the members were there as soon as we heard the news. After being told what needed to be done, I noticed Taeyeon noona was trying sneak off.  Being worried about her, knowing how everyone is not in the right mind to be left alone at the moment. 

"Naeun-ah, he's gone. I don't know what to do." I could hear sniffles and muffles. I couldn't move, I don't know how I feel about her finding out this way. I lost a brother, but I do know that he was there for her when I couldn't. 

The past day had been exhausted, with the constant different visitor. Many of whom I knew, a few I haven't seen in a while; and the very rare I've never seen. It amazed me about many people he was able to connect with. But with all these people who loved him, none of us saw it coming. 

When she finally came, I didn't know what came over me, but I just went straight into her embrace. This was something I didn't think I needed, the warmth that I miss so much. At that moment, I knew as a confirmation that she's my haven.

Not proofread.