"Jonghyun oppa."

He let me into his apartment where he was drinking with Taeyeon. He sat me down, and from there I couldn't stop crying. I told them both about everything. Apink was disbanding with a few members wanting to focus on different things, the weight of always having the loan sharks after me, my sister getting signed to a company, and the best part of it all; the end of Taemin and I.

That whole night all three of us drank away our sorrow as I was not the only one who had issues. As many of the fans who watched the show knows that Jonghyun oppa was the person I chose as my ideal type, after the show I slowly got closer to him as I would see him more frequently at shows. With being with Taemin for so long, it was only a matter of time where I would get close to some artist from his company. Nothing like best friends, but close enough to hold a conversation. 

It was in the middle of the night when I woke up with a sharp pain in my stomach, and blood running down my legs. I called for both of them as I couldn't handle the pain. "What's wrong? What's going on?" 

"I'm in so much pain. My stomach hurts so much."

"We didn't drink that much. It can't be alcohol poisoning like that. Omo why is there blood down your legs?' Taeyeon unnie expressed. "Let take her to the hospital."

"No! We can't, what if they see us; I can't let the paparazzi see me like this."

"I know a place; we need to make sure that you're okay first. Look at how much pain you're in."

With that Jonghyun Oppa carried me to his car and drove to wherever it is. Throughout the whole ride, Taeyeon held onto to hand and would reassure me that everything would be okay. But would it be? Something tells me that it's not going to be the same after this, after last night.

As I was waiting for the results to come back, I could see them both talk outside my room. They seem to be in an intense conversation when finally Taeyeon came into the room with a small smile. I know that she's only smiling to try to make me feel better. Soon he came into the room as well, looking a lot more calmed. "Can you guys please promise me something? Whatever happens in this room stays in this room. Don't tell anyone unless I tell them myself. You can't tell anyone, not even Taemin okay? No matter what happens."

I can see them both looking at each other, deciding who talks first. They're holding themselves back, I can tell. At the perfect timing, the doctor came into the room. "Ms.Son I'm so sorry to inform you that you lost the baby." 

Baby....baby? I let out a nervous laugh to try to shake off what I just heard. "Wh-Wha-what do you mean baby?" 

"It seems like you're experiencing a miscarriage."

"No that can't be, I-I-I wasn't... I was late."

"Ms.Son it seemed like it was very early in the pregnancy, as it would've been tough for you to have picked up the signs. I'm so sorry." With that, he left the room.

What a cherry on top for everything. I didn't notice that I was crying until I felt two pair of arms that embraces me so tightly.

After I left the hospital, I stayed at Taeyeon's house for a bit as I can't go to Jonghyun oppa's place and the very last place I would want to go to is my own. She took care of me and looked after me very carefully. For the first couple of days, I couldn't even get out of bed, all I wanted to do was sleep; as all I wanted was for all of this to be a dream. As I noticed that she was starting to have to get to her schedule, I believed that it's my time not to bother her any longer. The day I left, I booked a flight to Japan as I needed to get away for a little bit. Even after I left she would still text me to ask how I was doing, man you can't understand how grateful I am for her.

As everyone is still talking with the company for the contract renewal, many of us had time off. Perfect timing isn't it. Of course, that doesn't stop the loan sharks or even my parents from constantly blowing up my phone. Even with a break, I could never be able to catch one.

After the day of finally telling him, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder. After all this time many people who knew kept on telling me that he at least had the right to know. I didn't agree as there was no longer a us, and no longer a baby; so making it pointless to make an effect of letting him know. That day seemed like it was a turning point for me. Se-Eun took the test and turns out she's not pregnant at all, and a few hours later she ended up getting her period anyway. I paid off the last loan that I knew of, and I got offered a small part in a special remake. An offered that wasn't given from those connection, but an offer someone who thought of me for the role. 

As the months passed with me having a consistent schedule of movie filming, remake special, and Apink's show I felt more at ease. For some reason, I stopped getting these stacked individual schedules like I used to. No more requirements for these special club appearances, but didn't see a drop in my reputation or income. 

Taemin and I did meet up to get coffee once or twice to talk about us. We both agreed that right now is not the right time for us. Although he did acknowledge that how he was acting was not okay, he was having some problems during that time as well, but wouldn't tell me. I don't blame him. I was going through my own stuff. I don't think I would be able to handle what he was dealing with. From this point on we agreed to keep going on our lives to make us better. 

After talking, it felt like the world was actually by my side where I didn't run into him as often. It was like the more I wanted to avoid him the more I would see him, but if I let it be, then there's nothing for me to worry about. If we run into each other, we would at least bow to another, and that was about it. The very rare how are you would come up. 

Slowly we started to have a casual conversation over text. I also started to spend more time with other people besides my members. I never thought I would say this, but I have gotten very close to Taeyeon and Boa. They have been nothing but supportive and loving towards me. I wouldn't know how to thank them. Same for Jonghyun oppa, and Minho oppa. Jonghyun oppa was always checking up on me and sometimes come to see me. As Minho Oppa and I was filming for the special remake, we've gotten a lot closer. During late night shoots, that's when we talk like no tomorrow. He's such a gentleman as he would finish his filming before mine but still wait for me and take me home. 

It felt like everything was starting to fall back into place until I got the new while filming on this day. 

December 18, 2017

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