Chapter Seventeen
Confronting the Faceless 💀 CompleteDecember 21, 1997
"The fact you can feel pain like this is your greatest strength"
The worst part of Azkaban, Farrah eventually concludes, actually isn't the cold, or the Dementors, or the absolutely terrible aesthetic of gray on gray on gray (really, that alone was torture enough without the soul- wind-sock guards).
Those things are all, obviously, horrible, but she's heard from some of the prisoners who were there before all this that the Dementor presence is almost non-existent these days, and the thing about cold is that you actually do get used to it. It's never comfortable, but it becomes bearable.
No, the worst part is the complete disconnect from time passing. Farrah's cell is either on the inside of the prison, or else none of the cells have windows - which actually wouldn't be too surprising. Either way, she has no way of knowing where the sun is at, so she can't tell how many days or weeks or months (or years?) she's been stuck in this cold miserable place.
She was able to keep some track at first, when they brought in the people in the cells around her. They'd tell her the date, keep her in tune with her circadian rhythm to some extent. But by the end of September the no new people were brought in - the only new faces to come into their cell block after that were guards with meals, and they weren't particularly interested in making small talk (not that Farrah hadn't tried a the beginning).
One upside of being left alone so often is she's gotten to know her neighbors. There are five cells in the area and four of them are occupied. Across from Farrah is Hazel Onayami, a fifteen year old who'd been dragged off the Express and separated from her best friend in the process.
The cell next to Hazel houses an older man, Timon Lindberg, who had been the third to arrive in their block. He enjoys bragging about his two fully grown kids which Farrah thinks is really cute. He's come down with a cold recently though, so the stories have been fewer and father between for a while.
The cell to Farrah's left is empty, but on her right is Henry Davies, a former Apparition instructor who is possibly even more twitchy than Farrah feels. She gets it though, Henry thrives on gossip and there really can't be any in the cells of Azkaban.
All four of them are former (or in Hazel's case, current) Hufflepuffs, which is a point of conversation quite often. Being from mostly different generations of Hogwarts students (Henry is only a two years older than Farrah, so their experience was generally the same) they have fun comparing stories about their House as well as others, and of course they all bragged about their seventh-year welcome party for the first years.
That particular badger tradition - the seventh years throwing some sort of surprise for the first years after the first week of school has finished - seems to trace back to the Founder herself considering it was old when Timon was in school.
It's actually a pretty fun group to be with all things considered, but it doesn't take away the chill, or the nightmares, or the complete disconnect from the rest of the world.
None of them sleep at the same time either so that doesn't help with trying to determine the time. On the rare occasion that Farrah is the only one awake, she'll often close her eyes and try to pretend she's back home, maybe doing Yoga with Clara, maybe preparing for a date with Christian.
The first thing she's going to do when she gets out of here is confess to him properly, she'd decided that some time ago. She'll come out of this and declare her love and he'll sweep her off her feet and it will be magical. She's gone over the details in her head so many times she's almost half-convinced it's a memory at this point.
She shares her fantasies with the others a lot when it's her turn to speak, telling them all about Christian: how they met, how they became friends, and how completely wonderful he is.
"He sounds perfect." Hazel notes one day as Farrah talks about some of their past outings together. "Even Tangi isn't that perfect and I say that with plenty of love."
(That's another thing - when all you have is conversation and time truths tend to come out. From Henry's admission of never getting over his school-time sweetheart to Timon's fretting over his poor communication with his son, all of them have made confessions in the past however-long-it's-been, and the biggest was Hazel abruptly blurting that she's in love with her best friend.
"I didn't even notice." She'd said, tone vaguely awed. She hasn't said much on the subject since, but it comes up in little ways here and there. For her part, Farrah is just glad the boys had taken the confession well. She knows how badly coming out can go.)
"My wife isn't that perfect and I've been married to her for over twenty years." Timon puts in his own two cents lightly only to double over in a coughing fit. Hazel awkwardly tries to reach between their cells to pat his back but can't quite reach.
"You alright buddy?" Henry asks with a frown. "That one sounded worse than the others."
Timon waves his hand feebly. "Took a big breath of cold air is all." He says, giving another cough shortly after.
"Alright, your talking privileges are revoked for a bit, focus on not choking on air." Hazel instructs with some light amusement. "So Henry, anyone out there you know who's that perfect?"
Henry laughs. "I knew a girl who was absolutely brilliant in school but I'm not sure perfect really applies."
Farrah leans against the wall between her and Henry's cell, grinning. "Oh, who is this 'her' then?" She asks teasingly.
Henry splutters a bit. "Same her as ever Farrah, I haven't dated since school." He groans. "She was Ravenclaw and she liked animals more than people so I guess that's a flaw."
Hazel sighs. "You really need to get her off that pedestal Henry, you'll never move on otherwise." She says pointedly. "Timon, back me up here, he can see you nodding."
Timon nods solemnly and a moment later all of them are laughing (or grinning in Timon's case - Hazel will lecture him if he makes any noise).
The merriment is cut off abruptly when the door to their block slams open.
"Food time already? Feels early, I usually nap between meals." Henry says cheerfully. He's the only one who still attempts conversation with the guards, despite never being successful.
As usual he's ignored, but none of them are paying attention to that. Rather, all eyes are focused on what the guard is dragging in with him. Or rather who. A slim blonde is being pulled along roughly by her bicep, and she's carelessly shoved into the empty cell to Farrah's left.
They all wait until the guard has left again before Farrah speaks up. "So hi! Welcome to Cell Block H."
Their new neighbor hauls herself off the floor where she'd been thrown and attempts to lean around the wall separating her cell from Farrah's. "Cell block H?" She asks curiously.
Farrah can't see the newcomer at all, but across the way Hazel looks startled. "Luna?" She asks curiously. "Luna Lovegood, right? No offense, but aren't you a pure blood?"
"Oh I don't keep track." The newcomer - Luna, Farrah supposes - says airily. "Why cell block H?"
"We're all Hufflepuffs." Farrah offers, and Luna giggles.
"Oh that makes sense! I'm Ravenclaw though."
"You can be honorary Hufflepuff while you're staying with us." Henry offers magnanimously, his tone alight with amusement, and Luna hums happily.
"Sounds good to me!"
Proper introductions are made after that, with Hazel introducing the still-silent Timon who waves shakily and coughs.
"So tell us about the outside." Henry encourages hopefully. "What's going on? Why are you in here? Sounds like you aren't their usual fare."
"If you're comfortable talking about it." Hazel adds quickly, shooting Henry a look that he gives no verbal reply to. Knowing him though, there was probably an eye-roll.
"Well, if I've been counting the days properly it's December twenty first." Luna says slowly. Something in Farrah's gut clenches at that knowledge.
It's been almost four months then. Four months in a cold stone cell. Somehow that makes her feel worse than if it had been longer. It's felt longer.
"It's almost Christmas then." Hazel says quietly. "I wonder if my mum is making the figgy pudding yet. She always does it a few days ahead of time so she's not overwhelmed the day of." Her voice tightens a little. "I was supposed to help her this year. I'm going to take over hosting Christmas when I'm older. My brother tried to fight me for it until he realized he'd have to make all the food." She laughs, but it sounds forced.
"My dad probably has the tree up." Henry says after a moment. "It's just the two of us at home but we used to make a game out of decorating."
"You still live at home?" Farrah can't help asking. Henry is older than her, it's a little weird he doesn't have his own place in her opinion.
Henry snorts. "Yeah, we have a farm that he can't exactly run on his own. I do chores in the morning and then go to work during the day."
Farrah immediately feels bad for judging. "Oh, that makes sense. I live with my best friend to save on rent." She adds, unsure of what else to say. She doesn't really have any Christmas traditions since her parents kicked her out all those years ago.
"My father and I often go hunting for Nargles during the holiday. They infest mistletoe you know, so this is the ideal time for it." Luna says cheerfully. "They're nasty thieves, it's why so many things go missing around this time period."
Farrah raises an eyebrow at Timon across from her, and he shrugs, clearly just as confused.
"I don't recall learning about Nargles in Care of Magical Creatures." Henry pipes up. "And I took that through NEWTs."
Luna hums. "Yes, well, unfortunately the curriculum refuses to cover creatures discovered by people other than Newt Scamander." She says with a sigh. "I respect him of course, he was the first real Magizoologist you know, but we must be open to other discoveries! There are so many creatures no one knows about because we're not looking!" She huffs. "Mind you, the Ministry is hiding some of it. I never trusted them."
"Hey." Henry says, the pout evident in his tone. "We're not all bad!"
"Oh of course not, just the really high-ranking ones." Luna assures him lightly.
"How did we get to Ministry conspiracies from Christmas traditions?" Hazel asks with a slight laugh.
"Hmph. They are real, I've seen them." Luna says firmly. "If you keep your mind open to the possibilities you may be surprised."
Hazel holds up her hands. "Sorry, sorry, that was a super judge-y thing to say. So how does Nargle hunting work?"
Farrah leans against the wall separating her and Luna's cells and closes her eyes slightly as the new girl begins eagerly sharing details on how to handle Nargles and what to look out for when hunting them. Apparently they're very hard to spot as they can disguise themselves as mistletoe berries, so counting how many berries are on a plant right away is very important.
"Do you think they choose mistletoe because of the kissing tradition? People will be distracted either from the kissing or being embarrassed by the kiss so no one will notice things being nicked?" Timon asks. He's been released from his enforced silence since his coughing had calmed down and is now the most eager to encourage Luna's stories.
Luna sounds delighted when she responds. "Oh, that's a very good point!" She agrees. "We never really did that in my house but it would certainly make sense!"
"I never liked that tradition, count yourself lucky you didn't have to deal with it." Hazel declares with a shudder. "Someone put mistletoe up in the Hufflepuff common room a couple years ago and it was just a mess. The older kids had fun but I avoided going in there for the entire month except to sleep."
"I think we did that at one point while I was there too." Farrah adds in thoughtfully. "Henry, do you remember? Was that when you were still at school?"
There's silence, and then a laugh. "Sorry, forgot you couldn't see me. I don't remember anything like that but it's possible I just didn't notice." Henry admits. "I spent a lot of school, um..." He trails off and Farrah realizes he might be less comfortable talking about prior things confessed now that Luna is here. Presumably he spent a lot of his school days chasing the girl who shattered his heart later on, so he wasn't in the common room that often.
"Oh don't censor yourself on my behalf, I believe we should all be allowed to speak our minds without judgement." Luna declares lightly.
Henry laughs awkwardly. "Oh, um, yeah, sorry. I just spent a lot of time befriending this girl from Ravenclaw is all. So, you know, not in the common room much."
Luna hums in an unnervingly knowing way - she can definitely tell that's not the whole story, but she lets it go and instead starts talking about a special pie her mother used to make during the winter holidays.
"She was raised Jewish, so she used to spend days in the kitchen combining traditional Christmas and Hannukah recipes." Luna giggles slightly. "Most of them caught fire or tasted absolutely terrible, but the gelt pie was amazing."
"What's in it?" Farrah asks curiously. She's always up to learn new recipes.
"It's really just chocolate pie, with a Christmas meat pie crust filled up with melted chocolate coins." Luna laughs. "It was so simple, but so good. Mum and I used to make tons at the beginning of December and then eat them all over the course of a week."
"You think she'll still have them made this year?" Farrah asks, watering slightly. She does love chocolate, especially dark chocolate. Maybe she can switch out the coins for some top-shelf 70% cocao.
There's a pause before Luna replies. "She died a long time ago, so I haven't had that pie in a while." She admits. "I remember how to make it though. I tried once but my father was rather upset. He's never stopped loving her, and her death has never stopped hurting him." She sighs. "I wish I could help him more."
"It's not your job to take care of him Luna." Timon points out quietly. "Parents take care of their children, not the other way around."
Henry makes a slight noise next to Farrah and both Hazel and Timon glance over at him.
"You disagree?" Timon prompts.
Henry clears his throat awkwardly. "Well, I mean, to a certain point absolutely the parents take care of their kids. But, you know, when the kids are grown up it's fine to treat them as an equal. My dad is one of my best friends, always has been. I don't think that's wrong?"
Timon smiles. "Of course not, it's great you and your dad get along so well. But children should be able to go to their fathers about anything."
Farrah is thinking that this isn't about Luna or Henry's dad anymore, and more about Timon's strained relationship with his own son. "Sometimes children feel like they need to do things on their own." She points out. "It's different for everyone. I haven't talked to my parents in years, but it doesn't really bother me anymore. I've got Clara and Christian, and they're family now. That's what really counts around this time of year, don't you think?"
"And the team optimist swoops in to save the day." Henry jokes. "Say, do you have anything special you do at Christmastime Farrah?"
Farrah hums idly. "Not really? Just the usual stuff honestly; presents, stockings, Christmas pudding, all that jazz. I do get to do all the cooking since Clara is just awful at it." She grins at a memory of her best friend forgetting she was boiling water to make pasta and burning the bottom of the pot.
They keep talking for a while longer before Henry starts to yawn.
"Alright, we're past my nap time." He declares. "Farrah, kick my wall if food arrives."
"Sure thing." She says lightly.
The group falls silent after that to give Henry a chance to knock out, and Farrah feels the light mood they'd managed to create beginning to sap away as the silence takes it over. Azkaban may have fewer Dementors these days, but that doesn't mean joy gets any sort of long-lasting presence either.
It's several minutes - maybe an hour? Who ever knows in here - before Hazel speaks up softly.
"I'm scared." She admits. "I'm scared that Tangi is... I didn't see her in the waiting room with the other Muggleborn students. If she wasn't there what if they..." She doesn't finish the thought, but Farrah knows what she was going to say.
What if they killed her?
That's a common thought in Farrah's mind as well, though she doesn't like giving it attention. It's hard to think about anything else in here though, especially when the others aren't awake to talk with.
What if Oxford has been attacked since Farrah's arrest? What if the whole village has been razed? What if she gets out of Azkaban and Clara and Christian are gone?
She shakes her head violently, as if that could throw the images of a burning house from her mind.
She's so caught in her own head she almost misses Luna responding to Hazel.
"That's probably the wrackspurts." She says firmly, a little less lightness in her tone now, and Farrah wonders if she's feeling the effects of Azkaban already. The gloom does work fast.
Hazel blinks. "Wrackspurts?" She asks, looking and sounding quite skeptical.
"What are wrackspurts?" Timon seems a little more genuinely curious, though it's possible that he just wants the silence refilled. Farrah doesn't blame him, she wants the oppressive bleakness to air out as well, and just talking generally can do that for short periods of time.
Luna clears and Farrah can hear her shifting in her cell. "Well, wrackspurts are small, invisible creatures that like lingering in places like this. Gloomy." She adds, as if that needs clarifying. Not may words can describe Azkaban after all. "They get into your head and scramble your brain." She pauses again, almost seeming to be bracing herself.
She really is getting affected by the atmosphere in here quickly - Farrah wonders if that's a Ravenclaw thing or if all of them had been like that and she's just forgotten after all this time.
"The thing is though, wrackspurts only show you things that aren't true. So your friend must be okay, right? And you need to focus on happy thoughts to scare the wrackspurts out of your brain."
Hazel looks skeptical, but Farrah actually wonders if there's some truth to that. She tends to focus all her energy on thinking about Christian and their future together, and as such mostly manages to shake off any negative ideas that try to worm into her head. Maybe there's something to wrackspurts. Maybe there's something to Nargles.
Maybe she's going insane having not seen the sky in several months, but that's to be expected.
She shakes her head again. Wrackspurts, she thinks with a wry smile.
"So, focus on what you'll do when you get out. Does your friend know how you feel?" Luna says encouragingly. "You know, lots of people have escaped being caught and sent here, I bet your friend is one of them. Tell me about her?"
Hazel hasn't really spoken much of her friend Tangi to this point, just the mention here and there when sharing stories to pass the time. But there's something about Luna that's honest and open, and Hazel seems to sense that as well, as she clears and starts speaking quietly.
"We met first year. She figured out how to rig a radio to get Muggle channels and we had the same taste in music." She smiles slightly and Luna makes a noise of encouragement. "I dunno, it just sort of went from there. She didn't have many friends so I introduced her to mine. There was always some tension though - she's a Slytherin." She pauses and glances up at the three opposite her.
Farrah keeps her face carefully neutral - she can't say she approves of Slytherins but she figures that if Hazel could fall in love with this one she must not be so bad. And she's a Muggleborn to boot, so the chances of whatever messed up brainwashing goes on in that House didn't affect Tangi.
When there's no reaction, Hazel cautiously continues. "Well, we ended up mostly just hanging out together without anyone else, listening to music and talking. She wants to change the world you know, it's really inspiring to listen to her talk about it."
Farrah wonders, as Hazel goes on, getting more animated as her list of facts start turning into stories, if that's what she sounds like when she talks about Christian. She smiles faintly at the thought - Hazel is cute ranting about her crush, so Farrah must look amazing when she's talking.
Luna manages to coax Timon to talk about his family as well, a less arduous task but still an appreciated one. He shares stories about his daughter Adeline and her best friends, about his son Channer and his accomplishments at the Ministry, and his wife Linette and her absolute brilliance.
"Addie definitely gets it from her, I flunked the Arithmancy OWL and now my little girl is a professional Arithmancer." He says proudly, and Farrah grins. Timon almost makes having kids sound worth it.
She voices that thought aloud after a moment, and Timon laughs.
"I'd say they are." He agrees. "You don't want children then Farrah?"
She makes a face. "Not particularly. Loud, messy things that stop you from doing much and take up all your money."
Timon chuckles again. "Fair enough, it all depends on your priorities."
Farrah doesn't like the way he phrased that - her priorities are just fine - but she lets it go. He didn't mean anything by it, and all parents think everyone will want to be them someday.
They go quiet again after that, and Farrah leans back against the wall opposite her cell door and closes her eyes, letting her imagination take her up and out of the chilly cell and back towards Oxford. She imagines that there's snow on the ground now, and the local theatre is putting on productions of classic Grimm stories for anyone who wants to stop in and watch. She goes to see them with Clara every year, but this year she'd been planning to beg her best friend to get lost for a few hours so she could watch Snow White with Christian alone.
The Christmas flea market will be open as well, and the streets will be lit up 24/7 by multicolored lights. Shd and Christian would stroll through the stalls, looking for presents for their friends, and Farrah would have to try and distract him when she finds something for him, and he'd know exactly what she was up to but let her get away with thinking she'd tricked him. He wouldn't want to ruin the surprise either after all, it's no fun if you know what's in your presents.
He'd be much better at distracting her when he found her present - she wouldn't even know it had happened until she unwrapped the gift on the twenty-fifth and puts it all together.
Her fantasy is interrupted by Timon coughing violently. When Hazel doesn't immediately check on him Farrah reluctantly cracks open an eye.
The teenager has fallen asleep in her cell, curled up in one of the corners and breathing fitfully. Farrah doesn't envy her - nightmares are common here, and it's clear that Hazel is having to work through one now. Still, sleep is a luxury in these icy cells so no one tries to wake her.
Timon's coughing dies down and Farrah hears Luna shuffling in her cell.
"Are you alright?" The new girl asks.
Timon waves while the last of the fit passes and then nods. "I'm alright, just a cold. It is winter after all." He observes wryly.
"And they don't seem to have heating installed in here." Farrah adds dryly, her eyes still shut. "Which doesn't help. We're probably all going to have colds before spring arrives."
"Tell us more about what's happening out there?" Timon request quietly after another moment of silence. "Our last bit of information is from September tenth, when Henry was brought in."
Luna shifts in her cell and clears . "I can't really say." She admits after a moment. "I was in school. Snape is awful, and the Carrows are worse. Oh, but we're fighting back of course. My best friend Ginny and my other friend Neville are leading Dumbledore's Army to resist the Deatheaters."
"There are Deatheaters in Hogwarts?" Farrah finally cracks her eyes open, feeling a bit ill at the news. If Hogwarts has been infiltrated, then there really is nowhere safe-
She shakes her head. Wrackspurts.
"They aren't very smart though." Luna observes, and Farrah forces a laugh at that because it is funny. And in here, laughter is sorely needed.
Luna giggles as well, and Timon manages a smile. "Well," Luna says, "It's worked out for us, mostly. We have a lot of students joining the DA now, from all the Houses except Slytherin." There's a brief pause, and then, "Slytherin seems to be siding with the Deatheaters. They have extra credit sessions to practice Unforgivables on students who have gotten detention. The only plus side of that is that Seamus has gotten in trouble so often that he's learning tricks on how to resist the Imperious Curse and is teaching all of us during meetings."
"Then you don't know what's going on in the Ministry?" Timon says quietly after a moment. Farrah bites her lip and thinks about Eloise Taylor down in Records and thinks she understands Timon's concern.
Farrah can't see Luna's reply as it's non-verbal, but that in and of itself says plenty. She'd been in school - of course she doesn't know what's happening outside of it.
"Did you keep up with the Prophet? I know they're probably printing lies but..." Timon sounds a bit desperate, and Farrah winces a little on his behalf.
"No, I read my father's paper the Quibbler! He mostly writes updates about Harry Potter though, not the Ministry."
"Harry Potter." Timon grumbles. "Too much pressure on a child."
Farrah has heard that one before - she actually hadn't known much about Harry Potter outside of a vague idea of how he ended the first war against Voldemort when he was only a baby but in their time stuck together the others have filled her in on the so-called "Chosen One" as well as their opinions on him.
Farrah's Hogwarts years did actually overlap with the boy for her sixth and seventh years, but she hadn't really paid him much mind since NEWTs were the main focus for her. Well, NEWTs and that awful monster her final year targeting Muggleborns. She'd been about five seconds from dropping out like Clara had and forgetting about taking the NEWTs altogether (it had been a bad year in general, really. Those were the years her adoptive parents had disowned her, but she doesn't like thinking about that so she just focuses on the NEWTs).
"He's very mature though." Luna observes idly. "I think he and Ron and Hermione will succeed, as long as they stay together."
Farrah doesn't reply, simply leaning back and closing her eyes again so she can get back to picturing her and Christian and Christmas. Maybe Clara and her boyfriend Jackson would come too. Farrah would make dinner and they'd all sing carols and-
"Was what you said before true?" Timon's voice, soft and uncertain, breaks through her imagination once again. She reluctantly cracks an eye open before she realizes the man is speaking to Luna. "About Wrackspurts?"
There's hesitation before Luna finally responds. "Which part? They do mess with your brain you know, and they are invisible."
"But." Timon says heavily, and Luna shuffles in her cell.
"But I may have made up some of it." She admits. "It's not good to lose hope here you know. Most people don't bother to learn about creatures not covered in Newt Scamander's textbook so I thought maybe I could help Hazel calm down a bit. Wrackspurts just make your brain fuzzy, and they can show up anywhere."
"So the things we're dreading could very well be reality." Timon concludes with a cough.
"Sorry." Luna offers, sounding genuine. "I just wanted to help, and sometimes a little lie in the short term can be good. Ginny taught me that."
They go quiet again after that, and Farrah tries to settle back into her fantasy.
But now when she closese her eyes she just sees Oxford in flames, the Muggle residents moved down by Killing Curses while her friends are tortured and arrested. She sees the rubble of her flat smoldering angrily and hears Christian angrily demanding why she would let this happen, why hadn't she warned them?
Farrah pulls her knees up to her chest and hugs them close, wishing she still believed in wrackspurts.
Author's Note: UGH not thrilled with this one :( But it gets the job done I suppose OTL Anyway, for everyone wondering how Farrah is doing, here you go! She's... alive.
Next Week: The best intentions aren't always the right ones
So I'm thinking I might do a final 'afterwords' chapter to share my thoughts and feelings on writing this story, if that's something people would be interested in? I'm also open to answering any lingering questions people might have there as well!
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