And then, that time finally came. A month had passed and it was time for Mir to come back to work. It was still not good to exert his back but he was able to start dancing lightly as start.

          Mir went straight to the practice room instead of going back to the dorm since his mom had been all over him, telling him to stay in their family apartment for another month until he was truly healed for he needed nutritional 3 times daily homemade meals cook by his mother for a good recovery.

          Mir didn't resist for long.

          Staying with his family was always better. Well, he did have to travel an extra half an hour to the company and practice room but if it was only for a month, surely he could drive himself to the scheduled event without his manager.

          When he reached the practice room, it was still early in the morning but the other four members of MBLAQ were already in the room, all are already dolled up for the performance of their new song today in music core.

          "Good morning." Mir greeted quietly, averting his eyes from the look the other four shot him and went to his usual corner and dump his bag there, stretching up himself, being extra careful of his back.

          It was damn awkward as Mir could literally felt the stares on him, knowing his hyungs were just as uncomfortable as him. Being here, again, all five of them, it just reminded them of that day when Mir suddenly make a scene.

          They probably were hoping I would never come back here anyway.

          The negative thought suddenly popped up and Mir gasped, shaking his head slightly. Why must the whispering in the back of his head came haunting him again? It had been peaceful while he was resting but now that he was back, the thoughts of how useless, how untalented, how out of place he was easily invading him and messed up with his mind again?

          "Cheolyong."

          Mir jolted when he felt hand gripped tightly over his shoulder it almost hurt. It was more out of shock than pain when Mir automatically slapped the hand away, turning around to lock gaze with a hurt Seungho. "Oh." Mir made a small noise but didn't apologize, simply taking a step back.

          It was not the same. When Seungho came to visit him at home, accompanying him to watch TV, eat or simply just resting, it had been comforting but now it was somehow different.

          This was not what Mir was comfortable with.

          Seungho cleared his throat, noticing the troubled look on Mir's face and decided not to push the maknae. "Are you okay? We have been asking how you want to do the performance today?"

          Mir's eyes flickered once to Seungho and the others. Did he tuned out the others while fighting against the negativity building in him? "Urm. I won't be able to dance. I still have my orthosis on."

          Seungho turned towards Cheondoong, the one who had been majorly responsible for their choreography for this album. Cheondoong shrugged with a light smile. "He can just came in for his part and left when he's done. Just like what Changsun hyung did when he sprained his ankle."

          "Yea. I can do that." Mir decided and tried to turn away again but Seungho caught his arm.

          "It's better not to overwork."

          "It's just a simple warm up." Mir reasoned, looking at the hand on his arm with a frown.

          "Still." Seungho raised his brow. "You should just watch for now. Just rehearse the moves mentally."

          Mir shook Seungho's hand off. "It's okay. I know my own limit. I'll stop before I reach-"

          "No. You will only stop once you collapse. We can't have that again."

          There was an unbearable silence for a while as Mir looked up at Seungho questioningly and only then Seungho noticed his slip up.

          "I-I mean... It's just..." Seungho trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck, not even bother to try explaining himself.

          "What did you mean?" Mir looked slightly pale at this point, it was worrying.

          "I..." Seungho let out a long quiet breath. "I always saw you practicing past your limits before."

          Mir let a disbelief smile tugged on his lips, taking another step back from Seungho. He shook his head slowly. "So you know." He breathed out, his words, one by one came out painfully. "You know yet you pretend like you don't."

          "Cheolyong. You look pale." Cheondoong frowned, afraid for the maknae.

          "You know yet you still say a lot of cruel things to me." Mir continued, Cheondoong's words didn't even reached him. "You know yet..." Mir stopped himself when his eyes clicked open in realization. "Oh. I get it. It's not about me trying. It didn't matter how much I try. It will never be enough. I am not enough. It was because I am... Me..." Mir's body trembled and he hugged himself, feeling icy coldness crept up his legs and spread all over his bodies.      

          "No, Cheolyong. It's not like that-" Seungho tried to explain before Mir misunderstand even more but Mir blocked him out, pushing past him and tried to leave the room. "Cheolyong! Listen first!" He tried to catch Mir but the maknae shook him off.

          Mir almost made it to the door when GO blocked his way. When Mir steered to the right, GO did the same, when he steered to the left, again, GO blocked him. "Get out of my way." Mir hissed, his nails digging into his own arms, trying to get control over himself.

          "Can you at leave listen to us for once?" GO pleaded.

          "LISTEN FOR WHAT MORE?" Mir shouted, breathing heavily and finally his tears rolled down his cheeks. "What more of hurtful words would you still want me to take in?" Mir's lips quivered. "Just leave me alone." Mir whispered painfully and tried to push past GO but instead he was trapped in GO's strong embrace, unable to escape no matter how much he struggled.

          There was no use avoiding this issue. If they leave it hanging this way again, MBLAQ would be done for sooner than they wanted to.

          "We're not trying to hurt you, Cheolyong!" GO assured, tightening his hold on Mir.

          "You already did!" With a new found strength, Mir pushed against GO's chest, ended with the older stumbled behind, falling onto the floor harsh.

          Before they could even recovered from the shock of Mir's words and action, Mir was yanked around and a hand met his cheek.

          Everyone stopped still.

          Mir touched his warm cheek from the slap he received. He looked back to the one that had hurt him. It was one he would have never expected and so it just hurt him even more. Not his pulsating cheek, but deep inside his chest. It hurt so much there.

          "Have you always been this rude to them?" Eunah yelled. She came here because she was worried that Mir might still be stubborn and join the practice even after being advised not to work too hard. But what she found was rather disturbing. She had acted out of impulse when she witnessed Mir yelling and pushing GO until the older male stumbled. She had known Mir must have his own reason but it made her angrier because Mir wouldn't tell her anything.

          Mir trembled even more, he bit the inside of his cheeks so hard he tasted the metallic blood. "You know nothing, noona."

          "Because you won't tell me anything!" This time the tears escaped Eunah's eyes. She was trembling as well, looked just as broken as Mir. "You won't tell me anything. How was I supposed to know? How am I supposed to help you? How am I supposed to stop losing my little brother?" She sobbed loudly and fall on the floor, crying there.

          Mir felt his chest tightened, he was barely able to breathe. Everything is wrong.

          Everything...

          How was he supposed to make things right?

          No one know the answer.

@@@@@@@@@@@@

Mir stared at the light blue sky and slowly his eyes trailed down at the far away ground down there. The world in motion. People were moving, living their life like usual and there he was on the roof of the company building watching as the world revolve and he stayed frozen. Only his right hand fiddling with his flip phone.

          Opening... Closing... Opening... Closing...

          With a sigh, Mir closed his eyes, resting his face inside his free hand. Nothing was right anymore. Mir wondered if he should just quit by this time.

          It was a daily question to him. Every single sleepless night, he asked himself if he should have just quit already. But they were mostly just a passing thought since he was having a hard time.

          But this time...

          This time, he is seriously contemplating, considering...

          Mir was too deep in thought he never realized someone joining his unmoving world and stand next to him until the other person spoke.

          "Are you thinking of quitting MBLAQ?"

          Mir stiffened at that voice. He accidentally let his phone snapped shut quite harshly. But instead of inspecting the screen for any crack, he pushed the phone into his pocket. He knew well voice belong to Joon. What he didn't know and understand is why Joon was here, talking to him? Joon, despite the aloof image behind the camera, the other male was one who lack of words. A silent presence yet bigger than anyone.

          "You always have that look on your face when you scribbled inside your journal at night." Joon continued with his deep almost quiet voice. "I saw your journal. I thought it was a normal journal and I thought of reading it and teasing you about it, who knows, it would make us closer but what I found only pages of words quitting being scribbled messily over and over again. Then I realized, no wonder you have such look on your face when you were writing."

          Mir didn't dare to look up and kept his face buried in his palms but he heard each and every words. He let those words soaked deep under his skin.

          "Do you know what kind of look you have when you write those words?"

          Mir remained quiet but when Joon didn't continue, Mir finally looked up, only now noticing how pale and exhausted Joon looked with his sunken cheeks and eyebags, not to mention his chapped lips.

          "Just like now. As if someone stick a knife into your heart."

          Mir bit his lips, taking his eyes off of Joon and continued to watch the world down there with a longing eyes.

          "It will be painful either way. But only you have the answer if the pain worth it all." Joon added. "To me, this is worth it."

          Mir gasped when he felt Joon's head over his shoulder and he would have stepped away from the older but he felt the older slipped from him and collapsed on the ground with a 'thud'.

          "Hyung!" Mir kneeled next to Joon, shaking the fragile frame. "Hyung!" Mir shouted again. He was lost when he saw Joon started sweating and his breath came out laboured. Mir cursed under his breath and took out his phone. However the screen was black no matter how many buttons he pressed. It was broken.

           Knowing he was going to make it worse on his still healing back, he still pulled Joon's limp figure into his arms. Joon, despite had been skinnier than before, still a weight that strained Mir's little power. Yet, Mir didn't let go.

          With what little strength he had, Mir carried unconscious Joon down the stairs and towards the practice room for help. Once he burst into the practice room, he noticed the other three sitting separately, staring into the space until they noticed Mir crumbled right in front of the door, Joon's limp body rolled away from Mir.

          "Cheolyong! Changsun!"