Her

One week earlier

Jiwoo woke up with wrecking headache and sudden urge to throw up. However, when she tried to get up, she noticed there were two arms wrapped around her waist tightly. She looked around and realized she wasn't in her room in Seoul, but in the living room of one-bedroom apartment in New York.

"Hey...", she attempted to call out the person above herself, but her voice would crack mid-word.

"Wake up... I need to use the toilet...", she said a little louder than before, though was hurting with every breath she took.

Matthew's eyelids finally fluttered open, due to the sun coming through the window. The first thing he saw when he looked down were two dark-colored sleepy eyes staring back at him.

"What...?", he asked, expecting rage outburst or shy blush at very least. But instead, Jiwoo simply replied "move". He obeyed and raised himself off the couch to let her pass. Blonde jumped and ran to the bathroom, locking the door from inside.

Jiwoo's attempt to neutralize vomiting sounds by turning on the shower was a fail. Matthew approached the door and knocked enough for her to hear.

"Hey, are you okay there? Should I bring you anything, like clean clothes or a glass of water?", he wondered, trying to sound as polite and worried as possible.

She didn't reply, but toilet flushing was enough for him to be let known she didn't faint inside.

Jiwoo raised herself from cold floor, her legs a bit sore because of long sleep and kneeling. She was putting toothpaste on her toothbrush when she heard Matthew again.

"Judging by the sounds and the way you looked, I suppose you either binged drinking or never had a hangover... Or both?"

Although he couldn't see her, Jiwoo rolled her eyes at the reflection in the mirror and started brushing her teeth thoroughly. Of course, she doubted it was any of the three; she was told morning sicknesses are very common with brain tumor, but lately it's become almost impossible for her to handle them.

She stopped brushing for a moment and took blonde lock in free hand. Maybe she was exaggerating, but her hair felt strangely weak and fragile. Doctor told her not to worry about the hair loss for now, but it was his job to not stress her and she was the suffering one.

"For real though, are you sure you're fine? I can't really hear you...", her roommate's voice stopped her train of thoughts that was passing through dark tunnel in that moment.

"Everything's fine, Matt, please don't come in!", she yelled when he grabbed the door handle on the outside. "If you want to be of help, could you please get my beauty bag? It's somewhere under the bed."

She never really took care of where her makeup was, so one bag filled with finest brand names lost under bed shouldn't be a surprise for anyone living with Jeon Jiwoo.

Murmuring something that was supposed to be a "yes", Matthew runs to her room and finds chic colorful makeup bag on the floor under bed. He stares at it for a few moments, curiosity taking over him, his rational side telling him to leave it.

Taking a look won't hurt, he thinks to himself and s the bag. Foundation, mascara, setting powder, lip gloss, contours, inside was everything guys like him would never understand the use of.

This is the brand Somin used to brag about, he suddenly remembered while looking at red lipstick.

She sounded calm and collected over the phone, but Matthew also knew how good she was at hiding her emotions.

His hand reaches deeper into makeup bag and his fingers get ahold of roller-shaped box. Taking it out, Matthew freezes at what he just discovered. It was half-empty bottle of pills. His eyes went over white name-tag and he read "antidepressants".

Matthew frowned, disturbing chills passing down his spine. Does this have something to do with her recent visit to hospital and fainting? He looked through bag again and found another bottle, this time filled with tablets for headache.

Jeon Jiwoo, what the hell have you gotten yourself into?

Just as he thought that, Matthew heard his name being called and key clicking sound. He quickly tossed bottles back into bag and threw the bag under bed, then got up and pretended to look for something.

Jiwoo appeared on the doorway a few minutes later and stared at him in confusion. He gave her a goofy smile.

"What exactly are you doing?", she raised her eyebrows.

"You said on the bed..."

She sighed. "Under the bed, Matthew, under."

"Right", he nodded and knelt down to pull the bag out. He cleaned the non-existent dust off high-quality leather. Jiwoo snatched it from his hands without a word. Watching her back as she went back to the bathroom, Matthew froze for a second and wondered if he should've said something supportive or significant to let her know that he knows. But would it even be worth it?

He noticed that his roommate was acting stranger then usually. She obviously lost some weight, even though she didn't have any special diet, at least not that he knew of. There were dark circles under her eyes and she was paler than what he remembered.

Something bad was about to happen. Matthew sensed it, and realized it's his duty to prevent it. Although his instinct was right, it was his miscalculation and unexpectedly expected confession that made everything go down the hill in the matter of seconds.

***

After Jiwoo was done showering, Matthew asked her to go somewhere with him. Actually, he informed her that they are going somewhere together. Without waiting for refusal, he took her by the hand, picked up her shoes in the hall and went outside, where his motorbike was parked.

"At least let me wear my shoes...", Jiwoo complained, but how she had no energy to argue, nor she had anything smarter to do, she let him take the lead for now.

They rode through usual New York traffic. Though it was only middle of the week, everyone was hurrying to get to their destinations as soon as possible, whether it was warm home or second shift at work. Jiwoo only then realized it was past noon when she woke up, so she tried to remember what happened last night and how did she end up on the couch next to Matthew. Disturbing thought passed through her head but she shook it off before picturing it.

After roughly 40 minutes, Matthew entered the non-asphalted road where there were no crowds, so he was free to speed up, ignoring unstable terrain and dust his tires left behind.

Soon they were far from the crowds, deep inside the park that Jiwoo was seeing for the first time. For all she knew, it could also be a forest, since there was nobody but them around. She was even more curious about where they were going, managing to stay quiet and patient until Matthew stopped the vehicle.

The trip wasn't over, as Matthew started pushing the bike and they walked in silence for the next five minutes. He stopped once they reached the nearest bench, made of three wooden boards and four metal legs to keep it steady. It looked like it was renewed multiple times.

Jiwoo let out a deep sigh and looked somewhere in the horizon, which wasn't much, since they were surrounded by wild nature and trees, grass and flowers were all there was to see.

"Okay, so what are we doing here?", she finally asked, as Matthew hasn't spoke first.

"Nothing", he replied simply. "Nothing at all."

"So you brought me here to do nothing at all?"

Jiwoo's tone was annoyed as she scoffed. It was now Matthew's turn to sigh.

"Why do you always try to make things complicated? Isn't it more interesting to not know what tomorrow will bring us instead of planning ahead? Let it go and enjoy the moment."

He already had his eyes shut and his head thrown back to take in warm sun rays. After thinking about his words for a little, Jiwoo followed his example and closed her eyes, attempting to calm down. Her heart was beating disturbingly fast and her breathing pattern was uneven even after she took deep breaths in and out.

Maybe he was right. Maybe she needed to let go of unnecessary stress and questions and enjoy the moment, even if only for a day.

But it's harder than it seems when you're missing someone and they posses your mind.

"What if I still want to plan ahead or... expect?", she asked a few minutes later.

"Then expect the unexpected."

That hit harder than she thought. It didn't help that he was, again, right. When she opened her eyes, Matthew was staring back, trying to figure out what kind of worry could be behind this woman's eyes if it made her take prescription pills. What if she was addicted or collecting them for something way worse than addiction?

"You didn't go to evening lessons last night, is it?"

His half-question made Jiwoo avert her eyes, making reply even more obvious. "I just didn't feel like it..."

"So you decided to spend some time at the nearby bar and call him while being influenced by liquor and feeling of loneliness."

Matthew didn't have to say the name for her to know who's he talking about. She remembered calling Taehyung and speaking some nonsense, after which one of them hung up. Everything after that was a blur and blackout.

"How do you know about that?", she lowered her voice, unsure whether she wants to hear the reason.

"You were banging and scratching on the front door at one in the morning and managed to scare the hell out of me, so I think that alone would be enough to leave very clear memory."

They both laughed for a moment to lower the tension.

"And then you cried...", Matthew continued. "You screamed out how you wanted to hear him saying that he doesn't love you anymore

"I'm sorry you had to see me in that state, I really don't know what's gotten into me", Jiwoo admitted, speaking the truth only partly, because she was really embarrassed because of what happened, but knowing the reason of her melancholy very well.

"No, it's alright. If anything, I'm sorry for not being there for you. We could've gone out together and I'd stopped you from doing something you would regret later... I realized, after what happened, that you are a deeply scarred person, and that I don't want you to cry even a tear because of him anymore."

Last words almost made her laugh again. Little did he know that was impossible.

Just as she was about to speak, Matthew took her palms in his and looked at her with the most gentle stare she's ever seen.

"And I want to be the one who will make sure you're smiling every day of your life."

This was exactly what she was fearing would happen. That's mainly the reason why Jiwoo pulled her hands out and got up as quickly as possible.

"Matthew, I...", she was about to say but he cut her off.

"Don't worry, I know what you're going to say. And I get that you're still confused about the last night and the fact that we kissed, and so am I. But I think you'd be healthier and happier next to someone who knows how to return your feelings."

He spoke with so much hope and reason that anyone would melt on the spot. But to Jiwoo, those were unneeded words that would get to her ears, but never to her heart.

During the time they spent together, she learned there was more than what meets the eye in Matthew. He looked rough and threatening, but he was actually really caring and sometimes he could be really funny. But that all couldn't compare to what she felt towards Taehyung.

"Matthew... You do know that you are very dear to me...", she started, feeling like a teenage girl who was about to break a boy's heart. That's actually all she's ever done in the past two months. "But, truth to be told, we barely know each other and I don't think it would be right if I lied to myself and told you that I feel the same way."

Matthew's eyes went from soft to suspicious. "So? You barely know him as well, and you claim to some eternal love."

"I got to know him over the years. He made me mature as a person and realize my emotional state. Which is being in love with him."

"Even so, he pushed you out of his life. You know there's no way he would take you back now. A man on his level could have any woman he wants, maybe he's cheating on you right now while you're mourning over your past!"

Jiwoo was already pissed off and every new word only pushed her a little more towards the edge. That's when she finally burst.

"Don't compare him to yourself, because you're not even half the person he is."

Matthew's face clouded as he raised himself off the bench slowly. His eyes were so dark that blonde took a step back unconsciously.

"You're the one to talk about comparing. Killer..."

Jiwoo froze. "What did you just say?"

"Don't worry, you're going to find out very soon. Hopefully never", Matthew smirked, rationality he had left already gone after what she said.

"I never should've picked you up that night in Sokcho..."

Jiwoo didn't bother chasing him after he left on his bike, alone, because his eyes were as cold and as blank as that night in Sokcho.

Present day

Jiwoo thought she would leave the apartment as soon as she comes back, but it wasn't that simple. She had to send in a detailed letter on why she's leaving the college. Ironically, she mentioned incurable illness.

Jiwoo wanted to leave as soon as possible, but then new problem came up.

For some reason, all her transactions were blocked. She couldn't believe her own eyes when she saw $0 on ATM. For a moment, she wanted to ring up her mother, but the thought of being lectured annoyed her. Besides, if she heard the reason why she's asking her to send her money, not only is she going to send it, she will make sure to come as soon as possible and pick her up, then go back and lecture her husband, then his parents are going to find out and it could result with her and Taehyung getting divorced and him hating her even more...

That's why she had to stay in empty apartment for the next few days and figure out how to find the money.

It's been a week and Matthew still hasn't came back, at least not when she was awake and home. Jiwoo got used to it, though she couldn't help but wonder if maybe she was too harsh back then. At times, she would worry about him having nowhere to go, but then she would remember his last words to her.

I never should've picked you up that night in Sokcho...

If only she hadn't met him that night, Jiwoo would've ran away on time, without being able to see Taehyung on bed, in coma and change her mind, regret what she's done and realize that she loves him. Lies are less painful than the truth.

Her illness was also getting worse, making her rethink going back to Korea often. Morning sicknesses were longer, headaches so painful that not even medicines could help. She found herself forgetting where was she heading and why; while checking the resignation letter she could barely understand the words and had to repeat it in her head five times before sending it. Her muscles were weaker than usually, which is why she didn't go out unless it was urgent.

On seventh day of Matthew's disappearance, Jiwoo's whole day was strange in a way. Her head was heavy and she felt as if all energy was out of her body overnight, which, after all, wouldn't be that strange based on how fast tumor was proceeding - she didn't need a doctor to tell her obvious.

But maybe she should've went to the hospital, otherwise that night wouldn't have been her last.

Jiwoo went back to bed early and woke up around 1 am to take medicine. It's become a ritual in a way. She knew exactly when headache and nausea will strike, so she had her alarms set.

Just as she entered the bathroom, she heard another door being unlocked and stopped the running water. She hoped to hear Matthew's footsteps, as big as himself, but there was something wrong. This wasn't one pair of shoes, but two. Intruders shut the door and started arguing loudly enough for her to hear them.

"Idiot! I told you he wouldn't be here...", one hissed and other complained.

"Maybe he's in other room, waiting for us!"

"Big M never leaves the door locked unless he's out of the house!"

"But still, we should check every room..."

Hearing those words, Jiwoo hides behind the door and kneels down so no one could see her in the mirror just across the door when they check the bathroom. She held her breath and waited.

Not even five seconds later, the door handle moves and a head pokes inside, looking around for barely a moment, then goes back and shuts the door.

Jiwoo sighs in relief, but stays in her hideout just in case someone double checks. She actually wasn't sure how many people were outside, but if she stays still and is lucky enough, they're going to find whatever they're looking for and leave soon.

Five minutes later, all she hears are glass breaking sound and things being torn apart. Either what they needed was buried in the ground or they were making mess on purpose.

But why?

Then everything went quiet, raising the tension again. Expect unexpected, was first thing that raced through Jiwoo's mind. What she certainly didn't expect was Matthew to appear, calling out her name. She immediately recognized him by the walk, then remembered there were more people than he could handle alone. And she didn't even have a cellphone to call the police.

"Oh, if that isn't BM", one of the voices said.

"I see you're re-decorating", Matthew replied, not hiding sarcasm and annyonace.

"Just a little", they confirmed. There was clicking sound and Jiwoo immediately realized - they had guns. "Enough playing around. Tell us where is Kevin."

tightened at the mention of that name and her stomach twisted. Why does that sound so familiar?

"I think the garbage collector took his remains to incineration. If we're lucky enough, he won't notice the horrible smell and let the cops know."

"You son of a..."

Then Jiwoo remembered. Once, around the same time of the day as now, a man named Kevin also came over and fought Matthew about some "failed deliveries". Then they started using fists and Matthew's life would've been at risk if she...

Jiwoo had to bite her lip to restrain from screaming, because it all came back in a moment.

It was because of her that Kevin was dead, and she didn't even know who he was. She was lead by an instinct and it was pure accident when the knife sliced his neck.

She had to do something, as quickly as possible. Otherwise Matthew could be punished for her mistake.

"By the Family's codex, rule number 10, I am allowed to adjudicate on the spot! Matthew Kim, you are sentenced to death for the murder of Kevin Kang!"

Jiwoo suddenly got adrenaline rush, as her heart felt like it was going to jump out of her chest and she started sweating abnormally. Ignoring the headache and muscle pain, forgetting about ever fighting with Matthew and pushing fear to side, Jiwoo grabbed the door handle, nearly jumped outside and grabbed Matthew by the shoulder, covering him with her body milliseconds before trigger was pulled.

She opened in sync with bullet piercing her lower back. Suddenly she had no more energy and she would fall if Matthew hadn't grabbed her by the waist to keep her steady. Her hand was still gripping his shoulder.

The bullet didn't hurt as much as she imagined, but the pain that came afterwards was thousand times worse. Her stomach was burning, but she couldn't scream.

Matthew's white shirt was smeared with blood, but not his own and if Jiwoo could see that, she would've smiled with relief but instead, her eyeballs rolled back and she out, this time for definite.