A/N: ALRIGHT!!! To start off, you MUST play Taengsic's forever theme song which is Kim Bum Soo's Diary which can be found here so clickity-click on that link and it will direct you to the Youtube video of the song. Play it on the background or however you want but it is most recommended to do so as with any of my fics that are inspired by certain songs. Anyway, enough with the chit chat, let's go!

THIS IS ALL WORKS OF FANTASY, inspired by true events

TW to those sensitive to 0930

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"Here, take it."

"What is this?"

"My diary."

"For what? Do you want to hurt me this much?"

"No, it's to prove that I love you."

It's been years since that day. I never read that diary she gave me when she left me like trash. If anything, I wanted to throw that away or even burn it so I may never think about her. But here I am, stuck into that farewell that shouldn't have happened. At this moment, this song reminded me of her. And now I can piece together why she gave me her diary.

"Diary by Kim Bumsoo..." I muttered as I looked at my playlist, reading off the song that was playing. I couldn't believe this is still on my playlist.

That was probably why she gave me her diary. After all, she was the one who even recommended me this song while I was down. Kim Taeyeon... clever and deep as always.

I decided to finally clear off the cobwebs of my past and dug through my boxes of stuff to find that diary, the one she so wanted me to hold onto.

"... it's to prove that I love you..."

Do you still love me? I wonder.

I finally found her diary, leather-wrapped and intact just as when I received it. It looks a bit weathered down because of how long this diary has been around but it doesn't look as damaged as I expected it to since it was at the bottom of my pile of books that I've kept in the closet. The ribbon that held the pages were still also intact, the ribbon that she properly tied. But now, I should not get distracted. I'm utterly curious what she's written in this diary of hers.

"... I love you..."

Those words that so resonated to this day is kept within the pages of this diary. Should I really open up the past? My own curiosity killed me anyway and I opened up the book to read the first entry to her diary.

{ Dear Diary,

There was someone practicing their vocals. Curious to see who it was, I found an angel. Her name is Jung Sooyeon from what people around me said. }

I wonder when this was? We've been trainees for a long time.

{ Dear Diary,

I'm here again to talk about Jung Sooyeon. Did you know she came from the US? I didn't know she was a foreigner. No wonder she had a different vibe to her. }

Was this when we were introduced? I wonder.

{ Dear Diary,

I talked to her today. She seemed pretty nice and snobbish at the same time. But she's so enchanting. I wonder why... }

I wonder if this was the time when she started crushing on me. But at the same time... the beginning entry of this diary was when she heard me sing.

{ Dear Diary,

I feel like I'm going to be talking solely about her and I might annoy you with daily events involving her. I hope you'll be patient with me. But I just started practicing with her. We started practicing together, by the way. Sounds exciting doesn't it? I wonder if we're going to be put in a group together. }

The diary seemed to have skipped some dates as the next entry was about us debuting as Girls' Generation together. I guess we were too busy for her to even make an entry for the dates she missed. This takes me back to our humble beginnings... as Girls' Generation...

{ Dear Diary,

I think I'm crushing harder for Jessica. It doesn't help that we're both in the same dormitory. It doesn't help either that we're mostly on the same schedule when it comes to vocal practices. We're both the main vocals, did you know that? Our vocal teacher said that our voice compliments each other well... I just felt my heart skip a beat after that. }

Ah... yes... those times when we would do vocal training with each other seemingly non-stop. In all honesty... I liked those times as well. I was oblivious, but I knew I loved hearing Taeyeon's voice and how it complimented mine... as if we were meant to be... anyway---

{ Dear Diary,

Sorry I've been slacking lately. I feel a bit down. Maybe it's because of all the hard work we've been doing and the scrutiny we've been under. But Jessica is always there to cheer me up. "Our Taengoo~" those words... give me strength. I saw her feeling down today as well and asked if she's alright. In the end, we just listened to my playlist. Did you know we were so close together, listening to my playlist. One earphone on my ears and the other on hers. It's like in the dramas... Also, I recommended her a song. I hope she likes it. }

I think it was this time that she recommended me this song. The irony... I wonder if she kept this song to her heart afterwards. After all, I'm reading her diary now... and I hate her for this. The song seems very appropriate at this time... maybe I should just keep it on repeat for now...

{ Dear Diary,

I mustered up the courage to convey to you... I like Jessica. Is it too much to ask to be with her forever? In this world we live in, maybe it's a bit too much. }

Oh Taeyeon... I think this was around the time she started getting even more shy around me.

We were at the dormitory alone, just Taeyeon and I. Seemed like perfect timing didn't it? But the girls were busy with other schedules and personal affairs. It was just Taeyeon and I that managed to take a break after non-stop vocal trainings left and right. I went over to Taeyeon's room to see what she was up to as I was hungry. She knew how to cook and I... wasn't really good at it.

"Taengoo-ah!" I yelled as I opened the door to her room.

She looked quite a bit shocked as if she was trying to hide something from me.

"What's up?" she asked as she pushed something underneath her pillows from behind her.

"What are you up to?" I asked her back as I walked towards her and sat on the foot of her bed.

"N-Nothing... did you need anything?"

"I'm just hungry... but you seem to be hiding something from me," I grinned, "what's that underneath your pillow, huh?"

"None of your business..." she looked away, still trying to hide whatever was underneath her pillow.

I glared at her and immediately tried to reach whatever was underneath her pillow, but she seemed to really protect it well. She pushed it farther away and pushed me away with her other hand. Taeyeon was very resistant.

"If you don't give me it, I'm going to tickle you," I warned her.

"Can I just have some privacy around here?" she sighed.

"Not when you're around me," I grinned. I always knew I could get away with anything when it comes to Taeyeon. Little did I know...

"Okay, fine!" she yelled with her eyes closed, "I freaking like you a lot Jung Sooyeon. So leave me alone!"

{ Dear Diary,

I... said it. I finally said it. I thought I would just be met by regret... but she reciprocated back it seems. How am I this lucky? }

It was from then that we started hiding our little bond, our relationship. Little did we know, we've got people supporting us from behind... but we both knew, nobody else could know about what's going on behind our closed doors. It was our little secret, Taeyeon and I...

{ Dear Diary,

I don't understand girls at all. Why am I cursed to liking girls, especially with the likes of Jung Sooyeon? }

We started fighting often. Call it immaturity I guess... We were at our prime. We were really stressed about work, schedule, and pure emotions going through puberty. I don't think we were well equipped back then. But thankfully we would always make up.

{ Dear Diary,

The girls finally found out about our little secret, Jessica and I. They were quite confused about the situation but seemed to have accepted it, thankfully. My heart was racing the whole time. I guess we couldn't keep our secret for too long... }

Right... it was around that time when the girls were growing very skeptical about our relationship. It was mainly my fault. I'm too vocal and too clingy, as Taeyeon have said it. The girls finally found out about our secret relationship but I'm glad they had at least accepted it... but of course with a warning.

Sunny and Tiffany have grown skeptical about my relationship with Taeyeon. They thought it was a bit weird that I was always close to Taeyeon more than the others. I catered to Taeyeon and vice versa. Even if we tried to display mostly friendly gestures, Tiffany and Sunny saw through the wall.

"Taeyeon, I've always been suspicious about you... are you gay?" Sunny blatantly asked Taeyeon, "it's not that I'm opposing to it. I'm just curious."

"W-What are you talking about," Taeyeon giggled nervously, "how does a gay person even act?"

"You and Jessica have been sharing so much time alone, haven't you?" Tiffany interrupted.

"Can't close friends hang out a lot together?" Taeyeon tried to defend herself.

"It's alright if you can't admit it right now... but I just want to let you and everyone else know..." Sunny patted Taeyeon's shoulder, "... I am here to support you one hunred percent!"

Taeyeon turned towards me and I tried to look away. I knew, by then, that we were caught red-handed. The fact that Taeyeon turned to me for reassurance or question if we should reveal to them or not already gave away our little secret.

"I knew it!!!" Tiffany shouted, "Taeyeon and Jessica are together!"

"Dammit, keep it down!" Taeyeon smacked Tiffany's forehead.

"I can use it to blackmail you now," Tiffany grinned.

Tiffany and Taeyeon always had a close bond since trainee days. Taeyeon was an introvert and Tiffany was very outspoken. I feel like Tiffany was one of the only people that gets Taeyeon out of her little cave or introvertedness. But this just created space between us.

{ Dear Diary,

What is going on again? Tiffany wanted to hang out with me, my best friend! Can I not hang out with my best friend?! Jessica needs to get over the fact that Tiffany is my best friend and that's it! }

Jealousy... was my immature trait. I was utterly jealous of Tiffany's relationship with Taeyeon. I thought Tiffany had a crush on Taeyeon although I knew deep down that she only liked men. Maybe it was the attention that Taeyeon had been giving her, but I just don't know why I'm irritated whenever Taeyeon would want to hang out with Tiffany instead of me.

{ Dear Diary,

I love Jessica. I really love her. But if this keeps on going, I don't know if we should stay as it is... This may affect how we do group activities. I'm the leader. I should do what is best for the group. }

It was about this time when Taeyeon decided it was over between us. I remember crying so much... but she didn't even last a day. We got back together again.

{ Dear Diary,

I expressed how much I love Jessica, right? I can't stand to see her down. I decided we should stay together, like I intended it to be. }

Just how long did that last, huh?

{ Dear Diary,

We are getting busier and busier with our activities. We're getting more popular as well. We were even held as nation's girl group, can you believe that? But with this newfound popularity comes competition. Not just when it comes to work, but also my relationship. How dare she flirt with them! I should understand... but still... }

We were on a variety show called Idol Army Show with the boy group 2PM. The variety show didn't include Taeyeon and a few other members much to my disappointment but it was probably for the better looking back on it since it involved us getting paired with the 2PM members. It wasn't up to us to decide. It was work. It must be done as per the show's request to spice things up even more for the audience.

Jaebeom became my partner. As awkward as it was for me, I just went along with the whole routine throughout the show. Of course, I have to play it cool, right? I have to act... this is what variety shows consisted of, us acting as much as possible for the viewer's delight.

As soon as the show aired, Taeyeon watched it to see how well we did. She noticed the part where we were getting paired up and it was pretty obvious she didn't like the fact that I was paired with a 2PM member. Taeyeon didn't talk to me much for the rest of that day, no matter how much I tried to.

"What's wrong Taengoo?" I asked her as I tried to wrap my arms around hers, to which she immediately moved away.

"I'm fine. It doesn't matter."

It was plain obvious she was jealous over what happened in the show. She should have understood that it was all an act. But it's also a good thing that she's jealous.

{ Dear Diary,

Again, I've been skipping my logs. We're busier than ever and we're in high demand which is good. As for Jessica and I, we're still going strong with a few hurdles here and there, but it's nothing that we couldn't push through. I surprise myself how much we could stay in this relationship for so long no matter what set backs we have had. I also learn more about her day after day. If I had a simple crush on Jessica before, I can confirm that I am in love with this woman. What's not there to love? People say that she's an ice princess but they don't know the kindness in her heart that seems to be overshadowed by her signature cold personality when it comes to being on screen. It's alright though. They don't need to know how loving she really is. What a lovely person... }

Things were getting deeper about us it seems. After all, at this point, we've known each other for so many years. At this point, I believe we were at our two or three year mark... somewhere around there, right? Our past issues have been resolved when it comes to jealousy. We've grown more mature and we made sure to reassure each other that we love each other and nobody else... well up until to the next point skipping on...

{ Dear Diary,

It was a weird request. This day was just really weird. Dispatch just revealed Baekhyun and I's relationship... if you even call it that. Now Jessica's really mad at me over it. I don't know if I could repair it this time. }

Right... it was that day when I just discovered all over the news about Baekhyun and Taeyeon's apparent relationship. It was all a blur and I remember crying myself each and every night after that fact. How could she hide it from me if it was all an act?

"But it really is all an act! They told me to do this and obviously I couldn't do anything about it! I just abided by it!" Taeyeon defended herself.

"And you couldn't give me a courtesy?!" I scoffed.

"Look, I was told not to tell anybody. They want it to be a shocker for everyone," she sighed, "you know I love you right?"

"This..." I held out the newspaper containing images of Taeyeon and Baekhyun's secret date, "... is not love!" and threw the newspaper in her face before walking away.

It was a really hard situation back then. I don't think I could forgive myself for doing that. I didn't believe Taeyeon, not one bit. I mean, after all the Instagram secret messages that they seemed to have, of course. Why would I believe that it was all an act? I felt really cheated by her!

Days after that went on so long. Taeyeon and I barely talked to each other. If we even did, it was all work-related. Soon enough, I met Tyler. He was of a business background and knew a lot of connections. Due to my dream of owning my own fashion brand, I decided to befriend him, to get closer to him. Nothing was going to stop me from going after my dream.

I started hanging out with Tyler more on my free time, still no contact with Taeyeon. I learned a lot on how business works with Tyler accompanying me with every step of the way. But I didn't know that it came with favors in the end.

{ Dear Diary,

How should I put this?... I haven't really talked to Jessica for a while ever since that incident... but now this... I just don't know if I could ever talk to Jessica anymore after this point. }

It was then when it was revealed to the public about Tyler and I's relationship. I know, it was wrong of me, but I assumed that Taeyeon and I were already over after not talking casually for so long. Tyler is one of my best assets, and he's here to help me reach for my dreams. But with the accomplishment of one dream cost another part of my dream...

{ Dear Diary,

It's final. She's leaving us... me... }

Around this time, I'm assuming, was when SM Entertainment decided to kick me out of the group. I couldn't believe it. How could they kick me out when I just signed another contract with them under their label? For so many years that I worked hard being in Girls' Generation, I'm just tossed like I was nothing. But why? I didn't do anything wrong to defame the name of Girls' Generation. I was able to make the schedules despite my busy schedule building up my company. It was this time that I felt resentment towards the company. I knew from then that my time with the girls cannot be taken back. SM Entertainment is too powerful of a company.

Before packing my bags to fly off to the US to focus more on my company, I received a message from Taeyeon saying that she wanted to meet. It baffled me that she wanted to talk after so long but I had to meet her... maybe to get some last goodbye... some kind of closure before I close the book I was a part of here in South Korea... here as Girls' Generation... here as Taeyeon's girlfriend.

We met at a garden somewhere on a rooftop. It was quite a secret location that nobody really seemed to know so it was a perfect meeting spot. I was the first one to arrive so I waited for Taeyeon at the bench, waiting patiently and nervously.

Soon enough, an entity appeared from the corner of my eyes. It was Taeyeon, looking beautiful as ever but there was something about the way she stared at me. I couldn't put words into what it was, but it was... saddening.

Taeyeon walked towards me and stood in front of me as she handed me a brown, leather-covered journal wrapped in a pretty ribbon.

"Here, take it," she muttered.

I was dumbfounded as to why she was giving me this journal as it seemed pretty personal but I accepted it eitherway.

"What is this?" I asked her, examining the journal she had just given me.

"My diary," she coldly replied.

What is she giving me her diary for? It was pretty weird. Out of all things... why something so personal like a diary? Did she want me to look back on the memories she had entered through this diary?!

"For what?" I spat, "do you want to hurt me this much?"

"No..." she said meekly, "it's to prove that I love you."

Taeyeon... out of all times...

"I-I should go now," she quickly turned around.

"Wait!" I stood up from the bench and rushed to give her a hug, "Taeyeon, you should know that I really loved you as well."

"Loved..." she chuckled, "... that's the thing. It's in the past, isn't it?"

I stood frozen. That wasn't what I meant to say, but I know it's too late to even do anything.

"Read it if you would please. But my last request, if you would abide by it, is to hold it dear to you..." she muttered before walking away.

The last entry page had water spots. It seemed to have been dried up after being wet. But now I'm just adding to it... why am I crying?

{ Dear Diary,

I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to end this with a final note. I loved Jessica with all my heart. And still, to this day, I couldn't move on even though I need to. Through all that we have gone through, things always have an ending, do they? No matter how much we tried to hold onto each other, something just has to happen in order to test our love for one another. But something did win and now our love for each other is over, is it? I cannot deny for myself that I still love Jessica no matter what is going on, no matter who she's with. I can't bring myself to hate her. Why is that? I love her. It's because I still love her. I wanted to convey that one last time in this entry... I love you, Jung Sooyeon. If there's still a chance someday... tell me. I'll be waiting for you, my love. }

Goddammit Taeyeon, why are you like this? You still know how to get through me until the end...

Suddenly, someone was knocking on my door. But before I could even say anything, the door was opened.

"Unnie? Why are you crying?" Krystal comes in, closing the door behind her, "are you listening to sad songs again?!"

"I can't help it! The song was playing!" I bawled my eyes out.

Krystal took my music player and looked at the screen. She sighed in disappointment.

"You have this on repeat? Did you want to be sad or something?!" she scolded me. But she noticed the diary that I was reading, "what's that?"

I tried to hide it but my sister was too quick to grab the diary. Now she's going to see my little secret.

"Y-You and---"

"Yes..." I nodded.

"Damn, what did you do to her," Krystal laughed.

"This is not a laughing matter," I glared at her.

"Alright, alright," she nodded her head and placed the diary down, "look, I'm your sister that supports and loves you with all my heart, right?"

I nodded as I sobbed.

"Do you still love Taeyeon?"

Do I still love Taeyeon? I don't think I really ever stopped...

"If you still love her, why don't you go for it?" Krystal questioned with a smile, "you're free from the hands of that wretched company. All you have to do is make a move and see if she still feels the same way."

Sometimes, I cannot believe this girl is younger than me.

"But what about Tyler? What about my company?" now I'm confused.

"You've just been using Tyler for your company all along and I know that he knows you don't like him as much as he would like you to," Krystal explained, "I'm sure he'll understand. But are you going to keep repenting on the past or would you like to keep moving on with your company and an empty heart?"

Seriously shocking me each and everyday this girl...

"I know that you have the right answer. I say, go for whatever you decide. I shall be here supporting you eitherway," Krystal smiled as she turned around and continued before leaving the room, "I'll leave you alone now but food is downstairs whenever you're ready."

I'm quite a bit hesistant if I should really go for what my heart wants. Taeyeon is always on my mind. No matter how busy I got, she still managed to cross my mind. No matter how much I tried to forget her, everything reminded me of her, even if I was miles away from where she is... from where I met her.

I guess it doesn't hurt to see what's going on with her...

"How's it going, Taeyeon?" I decided to send to her before immediately throwing my phone on my bed.

Now to wait... the time difference over there is a lot and it's daytime here so she's probably over there sleeping already---

*Beep*

Spoke too soon?

I reached for my phone and much to my surprise... Taeyeon is awake?

"It's been a while..."

What should I even reply after that?

"It really has been..." I replied and tossed my phone once again... only to hear it beep almost immediately.

"I'm guessing you've read my diary?" I gulped as I read her message, "if you haven't it's okay. I'm just happy to see your message."

Kim Taeyeon never fails to make my heart skip a beat.

"Actually... I have and I still do..."

"Still do what?"

"Get a hint, Kim Taeyeon."

"Want to call?"

Goddammit, now she wants to call? What time is it there and why is she not asleep yet? She's having one of those nights again I'm guessing...

I decided to go for it and give her a call, to which she picked up almost immediately.

"So..." she started.

"You're really going to make me say it?" I sighed.

"To be honest, it doesn't matter what your answer is... I'm just happy to hear your voice once again through my ears. Just like the sweet melody when I first heard you singing back then."

Kim. Freaking. Taeyeon.

"Damn it," I sighed, "first off, I want to apologize for everything that has transpired between us. And I want to convey in reply to your diary entry... that..."

"I still love you to this day, Jung Sooyeon."

Stop it Kim Taeyeon.

I couldn't help but bawl my eyes out once again. This girl really does wonders to me.

"I just want to tell you that before you give me your response. Every little thing reminds me of you. Even if you're with Tyler... I still love you."

"Stop it, Taeyeon. You already know the answer that I still freaking love you, okay?" I snarled and threw the phone across my bed once again.

"Is that... our song?" I heard her mutter. Ah... that's right. Our song is still playing in the background.

I picked up the phone once again and held it close to my ears. All I hear was her melodic voice singing our song to me.

"Kim Taeyeon," I interrupted her.

"Yes?" she responded.

"I love you."

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A/N: Damn I haven't updated this in so long. But best believe I have two drafts prepared here. Just wasn't in the mood or had the time to fully write them. I was more-so swayed by this song and reminiscing Taengsic moments on Youtube. Hope it was worthwhile. Thanks for the support!