Minhyun was the first to wake up the following morning. JR in his arms, just like old times. And just like old times, Minhyun was tempted to bury his head in JR’s bushy hair, but he didn’t let himself do that. Circumstances have changed a lot since he was allowed to that.

He took out his phone to see the time. 6:00 am. He had woken up too early, and Minhyun guessed it had to do with how alert he was of the person sleeping beside him again. Even as Minhyun slept, a part of him remained conscious of JR in his arms, which made him sleep quite lightly that night.

Hard as he tried, he could not fall asleep again.

He read a few messages on his phone, including one he received from Seongwoo last night.

“I love you,” read the text.

Minhyun always felt uncomfortable whenever Seongwoo said that. He knew all too well the reason Seongwoo that said it– he was nudging him to say it back… but Minhyun never did.

And he felt awful about it. Minhyun was the kind of person who couldn’t even break eye contact with someone for fear of being rude, but this was a sincere love confession that Minhyun almost never acknowledged. It was always brushed under the rug, and Minhyun knew that Seongwoo was hurt every time that it was.

This ‘I love you’ made him feel far worse than any ‘I love you’ before it though, mostly because Minhyun read while he was in a bed with his ex.

This felt like a scene from a drama, when some with a girlfriend or wife was laying beside some girl who was not his girlfriend or his wife. And of course, he felt like the said .

He didn’t think this was cheating. It wasn’t. It was purely platonic friendship that led to this arrangement, he told himself. Maybe the guilt would go away if Seongwoo knew, thought Minhyun. And he so he decided to tell him, but not through text. Minhyun felt like he owed it to Seongwoo to come clean face to face.

Seongwoo, I end schedules at 7:00 pm tonight, and tomorrow I’m free until noon. Do you want to go for dinner? And then maybe we can get a hotel or something? My treat.

-

JR tried very hard that day to go back to “normal” like Minhyun had asked the previous night, but he quickly realized that what was “normal” then was not normal now.

It was hard mostly because JR was afraid of getting too close and comfortable with him and falling for him all over again. His heart was already starting to fail him, and he often found himself caving to everything Minhyun: tall and slender Minhyun with the pretty fox eyes and the pink lips, with a kind smile and hearty laugh.

It was hard to have such thoughts and still act like a “friend.”

And at the end of their schedules, Aron invited them for dinner, but Minhyun said he had a date with Seongwoo. JR’s heart hurt.

“You still have feelings for him, don’t you?” Baekho said as NU’EST W was having dinner together.

“Don’t be silly,” JR said. It was a half-lie. Or maybe a full lie, JR wasn’t exactly sure at this point. “I’m over him. I dated a whole girl after him, remember?” JR somehow felt he was telling himself that more than he was telling Baekho.

Baekho rolled his eyes, not buying it. “Sure, dude. Sure.”

Ren narrowed his eyes at JR. “You are over him, right?” He held direct eye contact with Jonghyun and stared him down. JR could not lie looking straight at someone; Ren had learned that very well over the past eight years with him.

JR tried to hold eye contact, but failed, looking down when he said: “I am.”

It was too easy to tell when JR was lying. Aron sighed. Ren frowned. Baekho shrugged.

“What?” JR muttered, but he knew that all of them had seen right through him. He felt like it was pointless to insist; he needed to stop lying to himself as. He still had feelings for Minhyun, and that made living with him and sharing a career with him very, very difficult.

“How are we gonna solve this?” Ren groaned, rubbing his head in frustration as he tried to think of solutions to this dilemma.

“Look, I’ll be okay,” JR told them all. “But please don’t tell Minhyun.”

“Minhyun’s an idiot for not seeing it,” Baekho scoffed.

“He shouldn’t know.”

“But why not?” Baekho challenged. “He needs to know that you still have feelings for him and that it’s hard for you to be ‘normal’ with him again. He needs to understand where you stand, and he needs to make a decision based on that.”

“I don’t want to put him under that kind of pressure–”

“Oh come on, JR,” Baekho rolled his eyes.

“He’s right, you know,” Aron told him. “You have to be honest with him. Last time you weren’t honest with him, it didn’t end too well, remember?”

Of course, JR remembered that awful night­– the night when JR told the truth about Jooeun and it all blew up in his face in the form of a really bad heartbreak and Minhyun’s disappointment in him.

“Tell him, Jonghyun,” Aron advised calmly. “I think Minhyun would appreciate it more if you did.”

JR dwelled on that thought for a while. It was true that Minhyun was a person who valued transparency and honesty. And it was true that keeping things from Minhyun had ended dreadfully last time. Aron was right. Perhaps it would be best if Minhyun knew. It would put a lot of pressure on him, and it might upset him a lot, but he needed to understand why JR could not heed his request to go back to “normal.”

-

Unfortunately, the restaurant that Seongwoo chose did not give them the privacy that Minhyun had hoped for. It was loud and crowded, and everyone could hear everyone’s conversations. Minhyun would also see the women in the corner filming them. He wouldn’t be surprised if their pictures got posted on the Internet tomorrow.

Still, Seongwoo talked to Minhyun about his new dorm and the new trainees in his company that Fantagio was planning to debut him with. He also told Minhyun that there were talks with MMO Entertainment to create a joint group, but Seongwoo was not too keen about that idea. Last time Fantagio debuted a group with another company, it did not end too well (“Pledis,” Seongwoo coughed. “Hello Venus,” Seongwoo coughed twice. Minhyun just laughed).

Even though the restaurant environment wasn’t ideal, the food was good, and Seongwoo was happy, and that made Minhyun happy too.

It had been a long time since they went on a date like this, just the two of them. With Wanna One disbanding and Minhyun’s readjustment to NU’EST, there was barely any time for dates like this. He had forgotten how much Seongwoo made him laugh.

“Hotel?” Minhyun asked as they walked through the streets. He was eager for them to finally be alone so that Minhyun could tell him what was in his heart right now. He needed to get it off his chest soon or it would torment him for longer than it needed.

“Let’s just walk for a bit more,” Seongwoo suggested. “I think there are a few girls after us. Don’t want to end up on the tabloids tomorrow for renting a love suite with Hwang Minhyun!”

Minhyun laughed, and nodded in agreement. They walked silently together for a while turning many corners, hoping to lose the girls that were following them. At one point Seongwoo took Minhyun’s hand and intertwined their fingers.

“What if this ends up in the tabloids?” Minhyun asked, happily taking his boyfriend’s hands.

“Breaking! Hwang Minhyun and Ong Seongwoo seen holding hands on the streets!” Seongwoo exaggerated, making Minhyun laugh, again.

Seongwoo loved making Minhyun laugh.

“I love being with you, Seongwoo,” Minhyun told him. “I hope you know that.”

“I do,” Seongwoo replied. “But I don’t want you to love being with me. I want you to love me.”

And there it was again. The guilt came back and felt heavier in Minhyun’s heart than ever before.

“Sorry,” Seongwoo apologized softly when he saw how Minhyun’s face fell. “Didn’t mean to put a damper on our date…”

“No, no. I needed to hear that. And there’s something you need to hear from me too.”

“Ah, a serious talk. I expected we’d be having one during this date, but I was hoping it would come after the . But this is fine too! Let me hear it!”

Minhyun laughed again. “You should lower your voice,” he said. “What if the girls planted recording devices on us or something?”

“Then they should know that Hwang Minhyun has an absolutely wonderful body and they will never get to experience it like I did!” Seongwoo said out loud with a grin on his face.

Minhyun shushed him, and looked around to make sure there was no one who heard that. “Seongwoo, just be quiet until we get to the hotel!”

Seongwoo grinned. Even though it was dark outside, he could see Minhyun’s flushed pink cheeks. He loved making Hwang Minhyun blush, and he was confident that he was the only one in the world who was able to do that.

After making extra sure there was no one following them, Minhyun checked into the hotel. One person at a time, they went up to the room, just to be sure that there were no sasaengs ready to make a scandal out of it.

As Minhyun was going up to the room in the elevator, he realized that he would have never done anything like this before Seongwoo. Never would he have rented a hotel room just for one night, risking a very serious scandal that had the potential to ruin both of their careers. Seongwoo had really brought out the adventurous side of him, and for that, Minhyun was actually very, very thankful.

Minhyun only had to wait a couple of minutes before Seongwoo also came to the room. Minhyun was seated on the bed thinking about what exactly he wanted to tell his boyfriend.

Seongwoo immediately put down his duffle bag on the floor, took Minhyun’s chin and kissed him, ready to deepen it.

Minhyun pulled away before it got too deep and he wouldn’t be able to get out of it.

“Seongwoo, can we talk first. Please?”

Seongwoo let out a hearty sigh but nodded, pulling away from his boyfriend’s lips and sitting down on the bed beside him. “I’m just afraid I won’t be in the mood after we ‘talk.’ You spent a lot of money on this room; I just want you to get your money’s worth!”

“The money will be worth it if I get this message across to you,” Minhyun said.

“I have a feeling I won’t like it. But I’m listening.”

Minhyun hesitated. He realized he hadn’t properly planned what exactly he wanted to say, and how he wanted to say it. He also realized that he was afraid of losing Seongwoo’s trust and love. Maybe it was selfish of him to revel in the love that Seongwoo had for him, even though, hard as Minhyun tried, he couldn’t return it in the same intensity that Seongwoo wanted from him.

The words didn’t come easy, but they came, and Seongwoo listened. “Yesterday, after the dinner with you and Daniel, I confronted Jonghyun. I told him that I couldn’t have him act like a stranger in front of me anymore. I was very emotional, to be honest. A part of me felt like I wanted to cry, and maybe I would have. I don’t want to lose Jonghyun, Seongwoo, and I don’t want to lose the comfortable relationship we had with one another, and I need you to know that. I want you to accept that and–”

“I accept,” Seongwoo cut him off quickly. “I won’t lie: it’s true that a part of me was happy to see you two drift apart, but if it makes you so unhappy, then I accept.”

“I slept beside him last night,” Minhyun finally confessed.

Seongwoo was visibly upset by that. “Is that what having a ‘comfortable relationship’ entails?” was his response.

“It was how things were before.”

“But before, you were more than friends,” Seongwoo reminded him. “Would you randomly slip into Dongho’s bed and sleep beside him when you have your own?”

The answer was no and Minhyun knew it. “I­–”

“You don’t have to answer that,” Seongwoo cut him off. “I just want you to think about it. I know that you’re telling yourself that it was an innocent act of friendship, and maybe it was, but I have a feeling that a lot more than that was involved. And I know you’re not ‘in love’ with him, Minhyun, but I also know that it’s so easy to regain those feelings. And when you do things like sleep beside him, you make it even easier.”

“Seongwoo…”

“Look, if you can say with 100% confidence that doing things like that will not sway your heart back towards him, then by all means, be as ‘friendly’ as you want with him. But if you can’t guarantee that, then please, please don’t do anything like that again. For my sake.”

Minhyun just looked down at the floor, and Seongwoo knew that that meant guilt. It meant that Minhyun could not confidently say that his heart would be loyal, and even though Seongwoo had always know it, it still hurt.

“I’m going to trust you to do the right thing from now on,” Seongwoo added, feeling his lower lip tremble. “Whatever you decide to do, I trust you. And I love you.”

“You should stop saying those words to me. Clearly, I don’t deserve them,” Minhyun mumbled halfheartedly.

“I can’t help it. I wish I didn’t have to be stuck in an unrequited love relationship, but here I am.”

“You know, I now understand why you wanted to break up with me at the beginning of 2019. At first I thought it was a stupid and reckless decision, but you really thought ahead, didn’t you?” Minhyun really had underestimated Seongwoo’s ability to predict outcomes. Seongwoo seemed to have predicted very well that Jonghyun would come into the picture and change the nature of their relationship.

“Of course I thought ahead. And I knew this would happen,” Seongwoo replied. “There’s a reason that exes usually never stay friends after a breakup. It’s because when you end it with someone, you have to end everything with them so that all the feelings go away. But I knew that Jonghyun is not that kind of ex for you. He’s like family to you. He’s your brother and your leader and your friend and your past lover, and you would have to see him every day. He’s a part of your life forever, whether you like it or not. He can’t just be a normal ex-lover. And to make it worse: he’s Kim Jonghyun. It’s like… our relationship was doomed to fail since the start. I always knew that. And it pains me to know that I’ll probably end up being the kind of ex that Jonghyun could never be…”

“Why are you saying it like that?” Minhyun finally lifted his head to face his boyfriend. “That’s not going to happen…”

“Oh please, Minhyun. You and I both know that what we have is not going to last forever,” Seongwoo’s voice cracked when he said that, revealing a vulnerability that Minhyun almost never heard from him. It felt like Seongwoo was about to cry, but he gulped it all in.

Minhyun struggled to find the right thing to say, so he didn’t say anything. Instead he just pulled Seongwoo into his arms and hugged him.

Seongwoo hugged Minhyun back for a few second, but then nudged himself out of Minhyun’s arms by standing up.

“I’m sorry, I know you paid a lot of money for this room, but I don’t think I can spend tonight with you,” he kissed Minhyun’s cheek, grabbed his duffle bag, and left.

Minhyun considered running after him. Grabbing his arm in the middle of the hallway and turning him around to face each other. Telling him that he loved him. And kissing him, just like it would have happened in dramas.

Real life was not like the dramas though.

-

Minhyun was back at the dorm at 1:00 AM that night. The hotel room had gone to waste, but Minhyun had felt that it was pointless to spend the night there alone.

Of course, Jonghyun was catching up on his anime that night.

“Minhyun, you’re back early,” JR said, pausing his anime and taking off his headphones, looking toward Minhyun with concern. “You said you were spending the night out.”

“I was supposed to, but… things… happened,” Minhyun wasn’t sure how to tell Jonghyun what happened, and he wasn’t sure he was even supposed to.

“Do you want to talk about it?” JR asked.

“I just want to say that what happened last night was a mistake. I shouldn’t have slept beside you, and I won’t anymore.”

JR just nodded in understanding.

There was an awkward silence between them as Minhyun sat with a pensive expression on his face. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to act with Jonghyun anymore, and he was still trying to figure it out. He didn’t want to betray Seongwoo’s trust.

“Can I tell you something now?” JR asked cutting Minhyun’s trail of thought. He looked nervous all of the sudden, and Minhyun even noticed that his hands began to fumble uncertainly.

“What?” Minhyun asked him.

JR took a deep breath. Whatever it was that he wanted to say, it was obviously taking a lot of courage to come out with it.

“Remember that night you met Jooeun?” JR began. “When you got angry at me because you realized I had been lying to you?”

Of course Minhyun remembered. But Minhyun didn’t remember it as the night he realized that JR lied to him­– rather Minhyun remembered it as the night that JR had revealed that he still loved him and the night that Minhyun had to fight all of his impulses to reject him, even when JR nearly begged him. Minhyun’s heart hurt to remember JR’s face when Minhyun turned him down. It was really the hardest thing he had ever had to do, but Minhyun did it because it was necessary for both of them finally get closure. But now that JR was bringing it up again, Minhyun felt an uncomfortable knot in his stomach; that night was in the past, and he was afraid of it coming back to haunt him again. Especially not now.

“I don’t want a repeat of that night,” JR said, “and so I decided that I want to be honest from you from the very start. And the truth is that I can’t be ‘normal’ with you like before, because I can never see you as a friend. Because I still have feelings for you.”

The confession was soft and sincere, with JR’s gentle eyes poring holes into Minhyun’s. Minhyun felt numb when he heard them. He suddenly felt like he was under severe pressure, and he couldn’t deal with it on the spot, so he just froze.

“Unlike last time, I’m not going to plead for you to come back to me, because I already know that will never happen,” JR continued with a sad smile on his face. “But I will ask you to give me space, until I can sort out my own stupid heart and be your friend again, just like before.”

Minhyun broke eye contact and look down in shame. He just felt so stupid now that he knew this. He was stupid for not realizing it earlier, stupid for thinking that JR had moved on from him, stupid for not realizing that JR himself wanted to distance himself, stupid for thinking that Seongwoo was being overly paranoid, and stupid for believing that what he and JR had could just die out and everyone could go back to being happy friends again.

“Do you understand, Minhyun?” JR asked. “Please say something.”

Minhyun couldn’t look at JR, but he was able to reply: “thank you for telling me. I needed to know that. I see things a lot more clearly now. And I’m sorry.” Minhyun didn’t specify what exactly it was that he was sorry for. It was a lot of fragmented things all at once. It was only now that Minhyun had begun to see how hard it probably had been for JR. Now that Minhyun was aware of JR’s heart which never seemed to have moved on from him… everything was clearer.

JR’s feelings for Minhyun had not faded or changed, and that meant that Minhyun had understood everything all wrong. It meant that JR was never as interested in women as Minhyun had thought. It meant that JR loved him a lot more sincerely than Minhyun had thought. It meant that Minhyun had probably caused a lot more pain to his leader than Minhyun had thought.

“I’m so sorry, JRie,” Minhyun repeated this time with more ardor. It was all he could think to say to acknowledge all that JR had suffered because of Minhyun’s oversights. He was just sorry, and there was nothing else he could do but offer that weak apology.

“I’m the one who’s sorry, Minhyun,” JR replied. “When you wanted intimacy, I couldn’t give it to you. And now all you want is friendship, and I still can’t give it to you.”

“You’ve given me everything, Jonghyunnie, and I don’t ever want you to believe otherwise. When we broke up, I want you to know that it wasn’t because of Seongwoo, or because of , or because of you. We broke up because I was stupid, and I didn’t appreciate or even realize the love and care you had for me.”

“Then it’s my fault I didn’t communicate it to you well enough,” JR insisted.

“You did…”

“I didn’t, Minhyun,” JR cut him off. “Looking back, I should have kissed you more often; I should have told you ‘I love you’ more often; I shouldn’t have suggested an open relationship; and I shouldn’t have accepted our break-up as easily as I did. I now know that all those things probably made you feel like we were more like brothers than lovers.”

“You always take the blame for things, and you’re the one whose always hurting in the end,” Minhyun told JR. “I really wish you’d love yourself a little more. I wish you’d get angry and hate me…”

“I could never hate you, but I will stop being in love with you. Soon.”

“I would like that,” Minhyun managed to say, but he unintentionally sounded quite hesitant, the words falling from his lips in uneasy fragments.

JR did not read into the tone of Minhyun’s voice though. He accepted that verdict with a nod of his head.

“I’ll give you the space you want,” Minhyun told him. “And I’ll tell Seongwoo to not come to the dorm, and I won’t meet him when you’re around. Is there anything else you want me to do?”

“Yes, actually. Can you tell me something? Honestly.”

“Anything,” Minhyun answered.

“Is there nothing at all left from when we were lovers?” JR nearly mumbled, his eyes on his lap.

“What?”

“No lingering feelings for me?” he clarified. “Have they all really gone away?” JR finally lifted his head to face his former lover.

Minhyun looked directly at him when he answered the question, “of course they haven’t all gone away. I want them to though, and I’m working on it.”

JR was so relieved to hear that. He could almost feel himself sigh in relief. He knew he shouldn’t be happy about this– all it meant was that Minhyun’s heart was being unfaithful, and it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to Seongwoo that they were even having this conversation. But still, JR decided to be happy about it, even if that happiness was selfish.

“Does Seongwoo know?” Jonghyun asked.

“Why do you think I came home early tonight?” Minhyun asked.

“Oh,” JR muttered, starting to feel bad again.

“But I’ll move on. You and I will move on together.”

“Do we really have to, though?” JR asked the question that was on his mind. It was a selfish question, a desperate scramble to salvage whatever it was that had been lost between them.

Minhyun offered JR a small, sympathetic smile, “it’s not that easy.”

JR nodded and accepted the answer, however vague it was. “It was worth a shot. Sorry if it was selfish to ask.”

“Kim Jonghyun? Being selfish? I think you deserve be as selfish as you want,” Minhyun told him.

JR laughed at that assertion. “Really?”

“I want you to be more selfish actually,” Minhyun declared. “So keep being selfish, Kim Jonghyun. I like this look on you.”

“Okay,” JR said. “If that’s what you want. I am going to do something selfish right now.”

Minhyun didn’t have more than seconds before JR had stood up, took Minhyun’s chin, and closed the distance between their lips. He kissed Minhyun’s lips once, and pulled away for a second to see Minhyun’s startled eyes, and then took Minhyun’s lips in his again, and moved them against Minhyun’s in tender and slow indulgence.

When Minhyun gathered the willpower to stop him, he turn his head so that JR’s lips ended up on his cheek instead.

“Jonghyun… come on…” Minhyun managed to say in a slight stammer, pushing his leader away lightly. “Don’t… don’t do this to me.” Minhyun was a hot mess at this point. JR’s kiss had stirred up his insides, making his heart beat so fast that it left him numb.

JR stood up and pulled away from Minhyun. “Minhyunnie, you’re the only thing that I am ever willing to be selfish about.”

Minhyun still couldn’t talk. His body was still frozen and recovering from the butterflies in his stomach.

“I will take full responsibility for this,” JR promised. “I will come clean and tell Seongwoo I stole a kiss from you. He can beat me up if he wants; I deserve it. Also, I won’t do it again. I’ll keep my distance, and you keep yours. Maybe this kiss will make you hate me enough to not want to speak to me again anyways. So… good night for now.” With that, JR turned and went to his room.

When the shock of JR’s “selfish” deed wore off, Minhyun found himself drowning in confusion, anger, guilt, and self-hatred.

Why did that stupid kiss feel like that?

Since when had Kim Jonghyun ever kissed him like that…

A/N: I really am sorry for how long this update took, but this story has been kinda hard for me to write and it literally terrifies me to update it so I’ve been putting it off ^^; thank you for the patience!