CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

petals fall

They all anticipated her absence.

‘You can’t blame yourself.’ Kyungsoo saw the unsettling look in Jongin’s eyes. He was withdrawing into his own mental corner again, from everyone around him.

‘Yeah, Jongin, you did what you could.’ Chanyeol agreed. ‘At least she told you all those things.’

‘Yeah, but maybe I could have just told her it was alright.’ The blame in his voice was clear. ‘But I didn’t. I didn’t say anything when I should have.’ He wiped his face hard with the palm of his hands.

No one said anything else.

After what Soojung had said, Jongin fell into solemn silence. He was surprised and confused but not at all angry. Taken aback, he was unable to string out words to say to her, and in the end, she apologized and told him she was ruining everything before she left the room. When she returned, Jongin was gone.

Of course, there was no intention behind it – Jongin simply did not know what to do in her interest. Would staying make her feel worse? Is leaving her alone the best course of action? Jongin was not sure, but he did what he did, and he could understand if Soojung misunderstood him; he assumed she misunderstood him and felt more distant than ever.

She came to class but disappeared somewhere else during lunch and ran out of the classroom before Jongin could stop her when class ended. He followed her to her dorm, attempting to talk to her again, but Soojung did not open the door. She did not make much of an effort to hide her presence in the room either.

Jongin expressed this concern to Rei, who had only returned two hours before but assured him she would do her best to help Soojung.

Soojung was unresponsive to Rei and politely refused her invitation to go down for dinner together, but Rei remained persistently calm with her effort – until her effort touched on Soojung’s curiosity.

It was when Rei placed a mere can of coffee on her desk, Soojung voiced out her thought.

‘Why are you being nice to me?’

‘Well, I thought you’ve been busy lately and you keep sleeping late.’ She pulled her chair and sat down next to Soojung. ‘What’s this project you’ve been working on so much that you don’t eat?’ Rei peeked at the open book and scattered papers on Soojung’s desk.

‘I, um, I asked my groupmates to pay. I said I’d do all the work.’

‘Is something urgent going on?’ Rei turned to her.

Soojung shook her head solemnly. ‘I’m just planning to get out of this country after I graduate. I’ve not got long left, you see. I might as well prepare as soon as I can.’

Trying to get out.

Jongin’s trying to get out, Soojung is trying to get out.

She understood, or perhaps she did not really. There was an unseen promise enshrouded in attractive lit up clouds somewhere on the horizon of time, or maybe where they stood was a land bound to be carried off into dust. Was it escape or was it pursuit?

Rei cocked her head – Soojung appeared to be running away from something; from all of them. She had built glass walls around herself and she was watching her like an encased piece of artefact. Knock as she could on those walls and Soojung would not turn her way.

It took a painfully long time, and only Rei had the patience and care to penetrate into those walls. She would decline Sehun’s invitation to dinner with the boys or any other people to have dinner in the room with Soojung – regardless of whether or not she would eat with her.

Soojung did finally regain interest in her surroundings, in the people she was trying to hide from.

‘How’s Jongin?’ she asked. She could sit comfortably next to Rei on her bed now, without feeling the need to create an invisible barrier between them. ‘I said something the other day that might have made him mad.’

‘He’s not. He’s scared he might have made things worse.’

Soojung said nothing in response, but Rei could tell she felt uneasy knowing Jongin was carrying some form of guilt for her. ‘You won the swimming competition, didn’t you? I heard you’re going for Nationals.’

Rei was less than interested.

‘You should try talking to Jongin again. He’s terrible at attention but he cares.’

‘But I said something horrible.’

‘And you probably feel horrible too. He knows that.’

‘I don’t think I can talk to him yet. I can’t forgive myself for what I said to him.’

There was a pause. ‘I’m sorry I asked you to kiss me the other night.’ Soojung was embarrassed.

‘It’s fine.’

‘It’s uncalled for.’

‘You asked permission. A lot of people don’t.’

They were interrupted by three knocks on the door, and it flung open before either of them could call out to the unexpected guest.

‘You have a minute, Rei?’ a tall blonde stood at the door with no less than a rude form of intolerance sprawled all over her face. ‘Don’t worry, I won’t steal her for long.’ She said to Soojung.

Soojung was slightly taken aback by the lack of grace in Yoori’s words – not because of Yoori herself but because no one else had used such lack of gentleness in words when speaking to Rei. Soojung was used to visitors; Rei had plenty of them, which was why Rei was rarely in the room at all. The dorm room was their private space and Rei forbade herself from making it otherwise so she resorted to spending many of her nights in the library or the common room, sometimes even outside.

‘So he did it to you.’ Yoori’s words were predictable.

‘I’m not interested in refining what you’ve heard.’

‘Of course not.’ She rolled her eyes, crossing her arms tightly as if cramped amidst a crowd. ‘You’re not pressing charges against him either.’

‘It sounds like you didn’t hear everything.’

‘Oh, I heard well. Jaehyun is the one making a ruckus, over you.’

Rei had nothing to deny, and kept her amusement hidden tightly within the creases of her lips. ‘Of course. And how is your case?’

Yoori seemed to be contemplative, then answered quietly, ‘There’s a high chance we’re winning.’

Doubt and fear tinted her face and Rei looked at her closely. ‘You don’t seem too pleased.’

‘Fearing justice sounds odd, doesn’t it? Like a concept of a dystopian future – but in truth a lot of it already exists now.’ She hung her head low.

Equality and justice were merely ideals men blindly believed in, and both Rei and Yoori have seen enough to fear what lies beneath empty words of dreams. ‘Jinwoo has never been particularly patient. A classic model of a boy.’

Rei understood her worry. ‘I’ll keep my eyes and ears open.’ She ran her hand through her raven hair. ‘But I want something in return.’ She clicked her feet on the ground.

‘I’m listening.’ Yoori’s gaze was cautious. Rei had rarely asked for anything in return. Sly and cunning as she might be but if they needed crucial help she never turned them down. Of course, if it was the more common case of undone coursework, she set a small charge for it

‘Jung Soojung. I want a thorough profile check.’

Yoori formed a sly grin. ‘Never asking for herself. I thought you were better at this than me.’

‘I have limited resources right now. And I trust you.’ She merely replied. Rei had did her initiative of breaking into the school office at night to look for Soojung’s profile, but it was unhelpful and a waste of time. She needed to do better if she wanted something fruitful.

‘Trust?’ she scoffed. ‘Don’t fool yourself.’

‘You know you don’t hate me, Yoori.’

There was a sense of amused acceptance on Yoori’s face.

‘All right then.’ She lifted her brows. ‘Don’t be overambitious, Rei. You’re a target too.’ She reminded her. A girl’s always a target. She learned that very early and some might even find it sad how emotionally oblivious she has become to that fact.

Jaehyun was in the gym when he saw Rei looking down at him. A small smile of courtesy greeted him. ‘I’d like to talk to you.’

‘Now?’ he sat up, sweat pouring down on his skin like water.

‘Whenever you’re done. I’ll be at the garden behind our wing.’

‘I’ll meet you there in half an hour.’

‘I’ll be waiting.’

Her professionalism caught several eyes, who associated her better as the girl Jaehyun was romantically involved with. Such monotone in her voice was prominent, and Jaehyun could not help but feel hurt.

Rei was pacing around trees with her head low as if watching the fine flowers dance around her legs when Jaehyun arrived. ‘Have you never considered not being alone at night in a place like this?’ he joined her.

There was no sign of acknowledgement of his implied advice. ‘I’m not longer alone now.’ She pointed out.

Jaehyun held his tongue and dropped the topic. ‘What is it?’

‘You asked grandfather to cut ties with Jinwoo’s family.’

‘As we should.’ He said. ‘You disagree with me?’

‘Only curious.’

Jaehyun was quiet for a while. He watched her bend down to look at the bushes that line the stone paths, spotted with bright red flowers. There was little light to rely on. Tall lampposts showered orange beams in uneven spots across the area but it was dim nonetheless.

‘I was angry at him for taking so long to understand.’

 ‘It sounds like a bad argument.’

‘It was an argument, all right. It was almost like he didn’t know you.’ He said but the peacefulness on Rei’s face suggested she already knew. Perhaps she did. Had someone told her? Of the words Jaehyun hurled to his own grandfather? Only he had the guts to throw such words.

‘Why?’ her voice was quiet, as soft as the wind.

‘Why?’ he echoed.

‘You know you needn’t do it.’

‘Maybe, but I wanted to. It’s only right.’ His voice was adamant. She did not respond, and he added. ‘Would you rather see him more often?’

‘I’m used to it.’ She lifts her dark, gentle gaze to meet his. You know that.

‘Is that why you rarely come back? Home doesn’t feel much like home?’ he was trying to peer into the depths of her eyes – where he believed she kept her secrets. ‘Is that why you chose to be here instead?’ nothing gave her away. ‘Because it’s safe?’

‘I choose the lesser evil. That’s the best a person like me can find.’

‘And if I can give you better? Would you come back?’

‘Even if you don’t, I won’t be able to avoid it.’

‘You’re so cynical.’ He gave a failed laugh, one that sounded almost sad. ‘Can’t we be the way we were in the past? Don’t you like it then?’

‘We can’t have the past, Jae.’ Her voice was soothing and painful. ‘No matter how much we want it.’

A breeze blew and petals separated from one another danced all around them. Beautifully they pranced in front of their eyes, but only fleetingly, before retreating to the sad cold ground or into the unknown dark.

Jaehyun picked up a whole flower that had landed near her feet. He was not sure what flower it was – he had always been terrible at naming them. It was white with flushes of peach-like pink at the bottom of its petals. It reminded him of a time, a moment that had Rei in it. What was it? A dress?

He gently tucked Rei’s hair behind her ear and placed the flower neatly in its curve. He remembered then. She had her hair braided loose and looked like someone dressed in a garden woven into threads of expensive silk.

It had been two years since.

‘I’ll still try.’ He said. Then he kissed her short on the lips. A goodnight kiss, perhaps. He used to give her them all the time.

Jaehyun turned around then and left her, and behind his back the flower fell and Rei returned to where she was, alone, in the dark – with his back turned towards her.