CHAPTER 26

bittersweet

They laughed.

They all laughed.

It was the kind of laughs that was genuine, laughs from near-adults who forget for several hours the ambitions within reality that they are expected to meet. They forget about that one mistake they might have made during their Algebra exam. Or perhaps that person who hurt their feelings. Nobody brings up a serious conversation. Nobody talks of sadness. Nobody mentions anything for deep thinking. For now, they escape that pressure. For now, before they go to sleep, before they cry of loneliness, of grasping insecurities, they laugh. And we shall let them be.

There was only one person who was not laughing as hard as the rest.

She was the only one who could hear grief tinged behind their loud laughs. Grief combined with alcohol, and this is what you get. This was their escapism. They deserve to let themselves loose tonight, she knew. She did not sympathize; she felt more glad that they could channel all the pressure welling inside themselves the way a balloon inflates when air is pumped into it.

They paid their respects to Jongyeon earlier that day with flowers and silent prayers. Jongin was too embarrassed to say anything, and only muttered the things he wanted to say to her under his breath.

For a moment after all the hard laughs they all fell into synchronized silence. ‘Do you guys ever think about what you guys would be when you grow up?’ Baekhyun broke the silence, as always.                                                                        

Sehun groaned. ‘Boring,’ he mocked, throwing his head back. ‘Can we not think about it now?’ he pulled an irritated expression.

‘Excuse you, some of us are finishing school in a few months.’ Soojung said with a glare. They laughed again.

‘Right I forgot,’ Sehun nodded. ‘You guys are old,’ he said as an insulting joke.

‘Shut up, Sehun.’ Baekhyun threw a pillow at him, who laughed again with the rest. ‘Who knew you could be such a pig with beer,’

Sehun put on a proud smirk, shrugging his shoulders, annoying everyone else further.

‘You’re drunk aren’t you?’ Jongin asked, also grinning far too oddly.

‘He’s wasted,’ Kyungsoo spoke up. ‘See?’ he lifted Sehun’s chin and Sehun obliged. ‘It’s red. You’d think someone did that,’

‘Is that how you tell if someone’s drunk?’ Soojung had her eyes wide.

‘Cool, right?’ Kyungsoo nodded.

‘I know I’m drunk.’ Soojung rolled her eyes. Rei noticed Baekhyun staring at her, then curved his lips into a smile. Then he laughed.

Pointing at Rei, he said. ‘Rei looks like Sehun’s shy girlfriend who doesn’t drink and doesn’t talk with his friends because all they ever talk about is and she’s an abstinent.’

‘What?’ Soojung looked at the pair, and so did the rest.

‘Doesn’t she look so innocent?’ Baekhyun added. Rei grew slightly uncomfortable with the stares and turned to Jongin, who lifted his eyebrows at her.

‘And what do I look like?’ Sehun asked out loud.

‘Like the boyfriend who’s going to throw up in front of her.’ Baekhyun answered. Sehun felt bummed. This was followed by another round of laughs.

‘I’m not drunk, I swear.’ He stretched his body forward.

‘Gosh, do you athletes never take a break?’ Chanyeol exhaled loudly on purpose.

‘Now that you said it-‘ Kyungsoo yawned. ‘-Rei does look good with Sehun. I mean, they’re wearing matching clothes.’ He pointed out.

Rei hung her head low, shaking her head and smiling an amused smile. ‘Kyungsoo, just how much did you drink?’ Jongin turned to him. Baekhyun was already chuckling to himself.

‘He’s even more wasted than I am!’ Sehun snapped.

‘What?’ Kyungsoo looked to his left and right with a clueless expression.

‘What colour am I wearing?’ Jongin teasingly asked him.

‘Black?’ he answered, his eyes squinted like a child blinking from dust.

‘Thank God, he didn’t turn colour blind.’ Sehun commented.

‘Okay, what about Soojung?’ Jongin continued asking. Baekhyun had his head on Chanyeol’s lap, trying his best to supress a laugh.

‘Black,’ Kyungsoo repeated, still unaware of the game being played on him. ‘Is this a trick question?’ he scratched his neck. Baekhyun snickered.

‘I think you better take him to bed,’ Soojung told Jongin.

‘I think I should.’

‘What? What’s going on?’ Kyungsoo was still questioning.

‘It’s time for you to sleep,’ Jongin gestured him to stand up. Kyungsoo obliged like a child, stumbling as he followed Jongin into one of the rooms.

‘Are we sleeping together?’ he began asking again. Jongin shook his head, pushing him lightly from behind. ‘Aren’t they going to go to sleep as well?’ he pointed at the group. His questions only chained from one to another, and died out when Jongin closed the door behind them.

‘He’s a bad drunk,’ Baekhyun sniffed, tilting his head to one side.

‘Really bad,’ Sehun added. The five of them sat in silence, each thinking of what else to say (except Rei).

‘Does this place have Netflix?’ Baekhyun got up, his feet quite unstable and he walked towards the large television screen in the living area, slumping onto the futon couch rather comfortably. He picked up the remote and began browsing the available channels.

‘Let’s tidy up a bit,’ Chanyeol said.

‘Can you?’ Soojung sipped the last of her wine.

‘I’m not drunk,’ Chanyeol sternly announced, much to her amusement.

‘Sure, sure.’ She side-eyed him. Rei stood up and began picking up the glasses, carrying them over to the sink so that she could wash them. ‘I’ve never felt happier this entire year,’ Soojung said as she threw away wrappers and small bits of package plastic.

‘We should do this again,’ Chanyeol agreed.

‘You guys are finishing school right?’ Sehun sat back down after stacking the wine bottles back in its place. ‘Go on a trip or something,’ he suggested.

‘A road trip?’ Soojung was rather taken by the idea.

‘We’d have to bring you along,’ Chanyeol rolled his eyes in a humorous manner.

‘Only because I know where to go,’ Sehun boasted.

‘Well, I see you’ve been out on annual road trips around America,’

‘Knowing people have its perks,’ Sehun laid back in his chair.

‘Hey,’ Baekhyun called from across the apartment. ‘There’s a horror movie on. Do you guys want to watch it?’

‘Good choice since we’re wasted,’ Soojung remarked.

‘Is anybody using the room over here?’ Rei pointed to a door at the end of a hallway.

‘Take it.’ Chanyeol told her. Rei took two bottles of wine and a glass before she made her way into the spare room. Sehun watched her casually walk, wondering why she was carrying so much alcohol. He followed after her.

When he entered the room, she was standing by the window. There was a sag in her shoulders. She looked like she had just attended the funeral of a loved one. Sehun knocked on the door. ‘May I come in?’

‘Of course.’ She smiled sweetly, instantly stripping herself of her initial solemn thoughts. ‘How are you?’ she asked.

‘I might be drunk, but I don’t really feel it.’ He joined her standing by the window. The immediate scene that emerged was of the sea, dark and loud under the dark sky. ‘I was actually about to ask you the same question.’

‘Why is that?’

‘You don’t usually walk away first. I see you’ve brought two wine bottles with you too.’

Rei continued looking out of the window.

‘Let’s see. You won’t talk about it?’

She looked at him. ‘Do you want to drink with me?’

Sehun was growing more and more curious at her odd behaviour but decided it would be sufficient to observe, and he accepted her unlikely invitation. So they sat on the carpeted floor and drank. Sehun was the first one to talk, and sometimes Rei would provide her simple responses.

‘How’s your mother?’

‘She moved to her apartment. She had one kept just in case something like this came up and it did. My grandparents started asking and my dad tried to meet with her again, but she threatened to call the police on him if he does. Tomorrow she’s going to file for divorce.’

‘That’s a relief.’

‘It is.’ He smiled. ‘He’s a boy, my dad.’ he said with a passing casualness that sounded as if it was not derogatory, when Rei knew it was. ‘He’s always competing with someone about something, no matter how stupid and unnecessary it is, especially with his brother. I already hate people who pit themselves against people for no reason, but the worse thing is that he drags everyone along in his competitions.’ His tone increased. ‘It’s like he built his entire life around competing against everyone, you know?’ he paused, taking another sip of wine. ‘Ever since I was a kid, I remember how he would always want to show off to my uncle. Before Christmas or whatever, he would get my mum these expensive dresses and handbags and get me cool shoes and toys. He would have this pissed off look on his face whenever my uncle gave me money, and he would hand out more to my cousins. It was so, so stupid. Remembering about it and how they looked at each other-‘ he sighed, looking into the distance inside his room. ‘-they’re just…a pair of stupid boys.’

Rei waited.

‘They’d compliment my mother and my aunt, and my aunt likes it. She’d talk about her son was doing really well, and then she’d ask me about my grades. I always did better than her kids, and I skipped a grade, and they’d just keep quiet until they had another thing to poke at. I liked my cousins. They were fun to play with and all but whenever our parents came into the scene it would get very irritating,’ the look on his face showed slight disgust.

‘Do you still talk to them?’

‘My cousins? No,’ he frowned, as if it was no loss. ‘They’ve turned into that flock of proud children. Very classy and they liked compliments, so it was hard to even hold a simple conversation with them without ending up talking about where we were and what we’ve done and what we were going to do in life, you know what I mean?’

Rei nodded.

‘Once we move away and get the divorce over and done with, I won’t ever have to deal with that ever again.’ He had a positive determined look on his face. ‘It won’t be so bad anymore,’

‘Hm,’ she agreed, smiling.

‘It’s not even so bad now,’ he remarked.

‘Yeah?’

It was not so bad. It was good. A silenced pause proceeded, and Sehun was come over by a sense of peacefulness – that he was here, and he was happy. Nothing could ruin the prime of his life, and no petty drama had come about to disturb the cycle of his high school days besides everything that makes it one.

And maybe, just maybe, there was an additional part of the play he would only be able to spectate now.

The wine was finally working its magic on him. He could feel a surge of confidence arise, after days of constant worry and suppressed concern. Sehun cherished this moment, being free of worry.

‘What’s your story?’ he looked at her. Rei fixed her skirt and her loosely tied hair bun, arranging words inside her head.

‘I want to temporarily shift to another reality for tonight.’

‘To escape?’

She nodded. He watched her gracefully tilt the edge of the wine glass to her lips.

‘Say, do you want to dance?’ he asked. She looked at him.

‘Dance?’

‘Yeah, dance.’ He realized it was the most unsuitable thing to do. Nothing about that moment in time made dancing the perfect thing to do, but Sehun was too mesmerized to care. Rei giggled a little.

She pulled her hand away from her face and rose from the floor, and for a moment Sehun thought she was going to turn away and leave the room. But she did not. ‘What dance?’ she asked, raising her hands open so that Sehun could take them. A smile escaped his lips.

 ‘I’m not a good dancer, to be honest. I only remember the steps for the Winter dance.’

‘That should do.’ She said, and naturally they stood in position, with Sehun’s hand around her waist. Any spectator would either feel second-hand embarrassment or feel nothing at all. The room was unlit and the sound of the sea outside clashed with the playing music.

Still, neither of them cared. All they looked at was each other, and that was what made any pair dance beautiful. Their obliviousness to everything else around them created a different atmosphere only they experienced, and soon they began laughing with each other.

‘Maybe next year we could go together for that dance.’ They changed to a slow dance.

‘I’d like that.’ she hung her arms around Sehun’s neck and he tightened his hold around her waist. They held their gazes to each other as if it was the most natural thing to do.

‘You look really beautiful.’

‘It’s the wine.’

‘Maybe. But people tell me I tend to be a bit too honest when I’m drunk.’

‘I can see that.’ She smiled.

‘I thought you’d be the type to talk after drinking, but I’ve misjudged you, as always.’

She laughed. ‘I’m not drunk yet, sadly.’

‘High alcohol tolerance?’ he was a little surprised. She did drink a lot with the group but did not appear to be affected at all.

‘I suppose.’

Sehun slumped his head over Rei’s shoulder all of a sudden. ‘Are you alright?’ she asked.

‘I feel a little, dizzy.’ He said. Rei helped him up and Sehun leaned his back against the backside of the bed. He looked slightly flushed and feverish, and when Rei place a hand on his forehead, she could feel his temperature rapidly rising. ‘It’s really hot in here.’ He commented. ‘Do you mind?’ he was about to take his shirt off. Rei shook her head.

She did the basics -  found him some painkillers and dabbed wet cloth gently on his forehead and body. ‘It’s just a fever, you know.’ He said as he watched her nurse him. Rei said nothing, only remained looking sweet and gentle. ‘I meant what I said earlier, you know.’

‘I know.’ She assured him. ‘You need to get some rest.’ She slowly moved away from him.

‘Rei.’ He called. ‘Can you stay?’

Rei glanced once at him, and saw a deep, welling sense of loneliness and fear in his eyes. She agreed and sat on the bed next to him. ‘I’m sorry, you must be tired as well. Forget what I said.’ He said.

‘I don’t have anywhere else to be. I’ll just stay here. You should try to sleep.’

‘What about you?’

‘I’ll sleep right next to you, if that’s alright?’

‘Of course, it is.’

He looked at her. The peace in her eyes and her steady smile had not changed at all. While everyone else became too happy or too sad from alcohol, she remained there, smiling at everyone as she always had and seeing that everyone else was alright. Why did she ask him to drink with her? Was she even alright to begin with?

He was not sure, but he saw her smile fade at one point and contract into an empty pair of lips. Her eyes turned deeper from the meagre light streaming through the window. Sehun reached his hand to her face, making her turn.

He kissed her.

Rei reached a crossroad inside her head, mulling over whether or not she truly did lose self-control. She closed her eyes, then kissed him back. Neither of them expected an emotional equivalent of fireworks, nor did their senses heighten dramatically – instead they drowned in what felt like a sea of peace. They both felt a warm tingling sensation, and nothing else, the way one feels safe under a blanket in a cold room.

Sehun gently urged her onto his lap and held her tight.

All thoughts were put on hold, then banished. The hands which she had used to hold walls around her emotions wore out and her wall collapsed. The sadness, the grief, the tears – they returned to her. They demanded to be acknowledged, to be felt.

Her lips trembled against his, and Sehun stopped. He was startled inside, afraid that he might have done something inappropriate to her somehow. He tried to capture her expression, but Rei hid her face with her hands.

He could hear her quiet sobs, faint and soft, almost easily inaudible. Sehun felt his heart twist and he tightened his lips. ‘Rei?’ he lifted her chin, and saw the tears trickling down her eyes. It was gold melting down her cheeks.

Sehun pulled her in, and she cried into his chest till silence overcame her and she fell asleep in his arms. He caressed her hair at an attempt to comfort her and they both fell into a long silence. When he cast his gaze on her sleeping face, he swore he had never seen anything so raw and innocent. It frightened him to think that this person could not be Rei at all but he knew it was. He grazed his fingers across a tear still hanging from the lashes of her eyes.

It was the first time he held something ever so fragile.

It was the first time he had nothing to say.