CHAPTER 22

sickness

Baekhyun fumbled over the thought of it for months, sometimes unconvinced with the outcome, and sometimes feeling a sense of trust overcoming him every single time he saw the concerned nature of his friends. It has been a month since he was released by the hospital; they saw “progress” in his weight gain and let him go when he feigned calmness and “control”.

He felt nervous standing in front of the room – one step further and it would begin and remain there without moving and he would dwindle in his own demons.

‘You don’t have to go in alone, you know.’

Baekhyun did not look behind to Soojung. He would not look behind. He could do this. He wanted to do this. ‘I’ll be fine.’

‘You will,’ she agreed.

‘See you then.’ He moved further to the door and looked through the small glass window, finding a group of people sitting in a circle. Most were girls, and there two boys. It was a small group, and something about that made him all the more nervous. Someone caught him standing there, but said nothing, only smiled at him as if saying it was okay for him to take his time as long as he wanted, and that it was okay to walk away.

Baekhyun walked in.

They welcomed him and pulled up an empty chair for him. He sat beside the girl who smiled at him from the door. She looked healthy and well, with a bright smile and happy eyes that looked like eyes that greeted “Good morning!” at 7 am every day.

‘I don’t think I’ve seen you before.’ She said with a grin.

Baekhyun shook his head, shy.

‘Well, if you’re clueless, all you have to do is watch and do what everyone does.’

Routinely, they introduced themselves, stating their names and what were they struggling with, whether or not they had recovered and what they thought about themselves.

‘I’m Lee Mina, and I’ve been struggling with purging disorder for-‘ she paused. -2 years tomorrow.’ She said it quite casually and her smile maintained. ‘I used to purge three times a day every day, but now it’s reduced to once a day and I’m a little proud of myself.’

‘You should be,’ one of them said and they applauded for Mina. Bowing her head in the form of thanks, Mina sat back down and gestured Baekhyun to go. Though there was no found threat in the eyes of his small audience, he could not help but feel nervous.

Mina gave him an assuring glance and he started, ‘My name’s Byun Baekhyun.’ he inhaled. ‘-and I have anorexia.’

They all nodded in acknowledgement, some smiling sympathetically, some smiling attentively as a show of support. ‘I was warded two months ago because of malnourishment and to tell you the truth, I don’t feel any different then than I do now, except heavier because the only way they let you out is if you eat three times a day.’ He laughed, and he could see some of them appreciating his joke. ‘I don’t exactly know why I’m here and it’s my first time, but I’ve finally found the balls to come here and talk about myself, so-‘ he ended abruptly, shrugging before he sat back down after finding nothing else to say.

Baekhyun found it comforting to hear that many of them verbally expressed things he identified with. He feared he would feel isolated even in this group but felt more and more adjusted knowing some of these people cried themselves at night too whenever they randomly felt disgusted with how they looked.

Yet, something did not feel right.

For two months, he could feel himself shrinking into his own space. His friends came and went, said nothing about his disorder and at times it felt as if they never knew at all. Chanyeol certainly never talked about it, though he was terrible at concealing his temperamental spirit every time he was around Baekhyun that he constantly excused himself only after a mere half an hour. While it appeared as if nobody was thinking about his disorder, he knew they did. ‘Drink plenty,’ they would always say.

‘If you’re tired, sit down.’

‘I feel full. Maybe I ate too much.’

‘That’s gas. You haven’t eaten a thing today and yesterday too,’

‘I think I went over my limit.’

‘You barely ate 100 calories, Baekhyun.’

Chanyeol avoided him most of the time. His excuse was often meetings and such, but Baekhyun could not help but feel that the reason he would not be present during lunch break with the rest of them was because he could not stand looking at Baekhyun not eating for a whole 45 minutes now that he knew Baekhyun was sick. Truthfully, Baekhyun was hurt, but he blamed himself. Chanyeol could never control such a temper, even against a disease he had no control over.

Baekhyun was starting to see that it was eating him up, or rather starving him, and indeed he was not in control at all, as he initially thought he was achieving.

After being released Baekhyun lost all contacts with the hospital.

The school sometimes checked on him and he had been offered a counselling session once, all of which he constantly evaded. He stopped eating, more extremely now, being careful with the amount of consumption.

His only reason for eating every day was to not pass out.

After that first meeting, Baekhyun did not feel particularly threatened or anxious, but did not show up for its future sessions, although he kept in contact with Mina. Mina was a grade lower than him and an artist, who was in the same class as Derek.

‘How do you hide purging?’ they met one lunchtime.

‘My parents think I always go to the bathroom to do whatever so they’ve never suspected a thing. Besides, we don’t sit at the table and eat together anymore, so that just makes it easier. Everyone comes home at different times and it’s hard to sit down at just have dinner together.’ Mina said. ‘It’s harder here, to be honest.’

‘Why’s that?’

‘Well, you can’t cook what you want to eat. At least at home I could stick to what I let myself eat, but it’s harder here, and the only food I let myself get away with is salad.’

‘Don’t you get hungry?’

‘Sometimes, but I drink to curb it. What about you? What do you do when you get hungry?’

‘I drink too. Plain water and lots of it. I have this weird imagination where my stomach would expand like a balloon if I drink too much.’

Mina chuckled. ‘My brother told me that too, but I don’t know how true it is. He’s a STEM major though so I trust him.’

Their meetings were often casual conversations shared in their common room at night whenever Baekhyun was done with his homework but felt too awkward to look for any of them. He held her hand and saw dark marks on her right knuckles.

‘Have you ever got warded?’

She shook her head. ‘I get dizzy a lot though and after gym class I get awfully tired, especially if we play outside in the heat. What happens if you get warded? Do they really force you to eat?’

He nodded, then told her all the details about his stay. He talked about the nurses, the other patients who were mentally ill too, what happened every mealtime. ‘I wouldn’t go back there again. Ever. My doctor said I had to meet him after I was released, at least once a week, but I didn’t. I don’t want to.’

‘Why not?’

‘I don’t know I just-‘ he shook his head. ‘-it feels stupid when I imagine going to a doctor and talking about my problems. I like to talk but not to everyone, you know?’

‘I know,’ she nodded. ‘Not everybody understands.’

Mina’s openness and bright manner of speech made Baekhyun feel comfortable and less guilty of the emotions he felt and the things he thought.

Baekhyun hung his head. ‘Do you ever have people who understands you and they really try to help you when you need it but you just can’t run to them?’

‘I do.’

‘I went to that meeting the first time because I wanted to be normal to them again. I feel they don’t deserve me this way, you know? But I just-‘

‘See, you’re putting the blame on yourself. It’s a disease, remember? It doesn’t feel like it most of the time, but you and I? We’re both sick. That’s why they put you in the hospital.’

‘But, shouldn’t I try to get better? I mean, it was all so good when Chanyeol didn’t know.’

‘You’re doing it again.’ Mina sighed. ‘Just because he didn’t know, doesn’t mean you never had it. Were you completely unhappy all those times?’  

‘Well, no-‘

At that moment, Rei and Sehun entered the common room. Baekhyun shrunk in his seat, in vain. Rei shot him her usual acknowledging smile at the both of them, as did Sehun, before they sat in another corner, perhaps to discuss on another class work. They were always talking about class work.

‘Maybe you’re the one who needs to get your normal life back. Stop being so scared!’ Mina hit him on the arm with a rolled piece of paper. ‘Really, promise me you’ll sit with your friends again.’

Baekhyun dropped his head and began massaging his skull.

‘You haven’t eaten today, have you?’

‘I have to get back on track with my weight.’

Mina’s smile faded, and fear gripped the gentleness of her eyes. ‘At least drink water then. Maybe you should call it a day.’

‘I can’t be this weak.’

‘You just used up all your body energy. Like a battery, okay? Get some sleep and recharge and you’ll be fine tomorrow.’ She put her hand on his shoulders. ‘Should we go up together?’

‘No, it’s fine. I can manage.’ He got up pretty easily, shaking up his exhaustion temporarily.

‘Water, and then go to sleep.’ She called out to him before he exited the room.

Water and sleep, Baekhyun kept chanting inside his head. Water and sleep, he walked fast to his room. Water and sleep is all I need to survive.

Baekhyun stopped short when he opened the door to his dorm.

‘What are you doing here?’ he sounded less than welcoming. Chanyeol was standing at his desk. He tried to keep a cool demeanour but began clasping his lips nervously. On Baekhyun’s desk there was a full plastic of green apples.

‘I-I thought you might like these.’ He lifted them up. Baekhyun remained at his spot, still and unmoving. Chanyeol’s eyes flickered and he scratched the back of his head, embarrassed. ‘We haven’t talked for a long time.’

‘No, we haven’t.’

‘I, um-‘

Baekhyun felt restless and turned his head, waiting for whatever it was Chanyeol had to say.

‘Baekhyun, I’m sorry.’ He did not move, nor make an attempt to approach him. ‘I’ve been a jerk. I’m terrible and I was stupid. I said things I shouldn’t have and I wish I could take it all back.’

Baekhyun was taken aback by his apology but was unable to express anything of it. He stood dumbly there, the look in his eyes like a thorny gate that refused any form of humbled verbal regret.

‘Are you mad at me?’ he asked.

Of course he was, but something held his tongue. ‘Who did you get the idea about apples from? Rei?’

Chanyeol hesitated. ‘Yeah.’ He said, ashamed.

‘I appreciate it.’

‘What?’

‘The apples. I like it. You finally believe what’s going on with me.’

‘I’m late but I was stupid. I’ve always told myself I wouldn’t leave people when they get hurt, but I turned my back on you.’

‘Am I different to you? Now that you know?’

‘I-‘ Chanyeol struggled to look Baekhyun in the eyes again and be honest. ‘I’m terrified. I won’t be able to do anything or help. And I’m supposed to help you the most because I love you.’

Baekhyun shook his head. ‘I’m not asking you to help or save me. Heck, Chanyeol, I don’t even know how to help myself. I’m scared of talking to you and everyone. I feel as if I’m a virus and someday I’ll infect everyone and drag them down because I’m rotting inside.’

It was odd that all this while, despite the headaches and hunger pangs he would get, Baekhyun could stiffen his lips and smile and play about with his friends. His stay at the hospital - lying in bed for a large portion of his day, having people in uniforms use the same smile at the exact same time, bringing the same medication and the same words accompanied with it, had somehow cemented inside his mind the words: “You’re sick.”

Chanyeol grasped his fists and grit his teeth.

‘If you ask me I wouldn’t be with you, or with anyone. I’d rather do what I do by myself. I know what it’s like to be the anchor in your team. My whole family made sure I knew what it felt like.’

‘You’d rather be alone?’ Chanyeol’s voice was tinted with grief.

‘If it means making your life easier, yeah.’

Chanyeol paused. ‘Can’t we try again?’ he asked, while his eyes pleaded. ‘Can’t I at least try?’

‘Why? Why do you want to? Why do you want to be someone who’s as sick as I am?’

‘What about you? You stayed.’

‘You’re not sick.’

‘I have issues, and you know that. But you stayed.’

‘It’s not the same.’ Baekhyun turned away.

‘Still.’ Chanyeol was at the end of his wits. He was desperate, and at the same time, on the verge of resignation. ‘Could you let me try just a little while? Until whenever you want me to? And if any of us can’t stand it-‘ he clasped his lips.

‘-we’ll break up.’

Chanyeol’s eyes swallowed sorrow. ‘But I love you.’ He said quietly.

‘I’m sorry.’ Baekhyun cut their conversation short and strode into the bathroom.

Standing alone, Chanyeol felt guilty and a little sad.

Though he had been the careless one, it hurt knowing he was on the verge of losing someone he had never appreciated enough.

For once, he was on the losing end.