CHAPTER 21

kisses that heal

Jongin pulled his cap down his face trying to hide the tears in his eyes. He strode fast past everyone who lurked at the South wing corridor, with his back awkwardly hunched and his shoulders folded into his chest. His teeth dug deep into the skin of his lips and he kept his gaze close to the floor, as if not wanting to see how much distance there was left till he reached his room.

He fumbled his keys and cursed to himself when he dropped it, then pushed himself against the door and into the privacy of his empty dorm room. His hands still shaking, Jongin tore off his t-shirt and threw it to the floor. He pressed his hands against the door and locked the door. He pressed the top of his skull against the surface and began breathing heavily, as if his body was an incinerator and his breaths were nothing but hot, fresh, blazing smoke. He could feel the corroding-like sensation on his back; they stung with such extremity that Jongin felt as if his skull could crack and explode.

He curled his fists and waited for it to recede, or at least, for him to regain control over himself, but it did not come.

The door knob began twisting violently, and Jongin stepped back to open it.

Kyungsoo caught a fleeting glimpse of Jongin’s untidy face, struck frozen for a second as he watched the other walk to the middle of the room. His tanned face was blushed with a deep red and his cheeks were wet. Rei entered ahead of him, carrying a box of first aid items. She and Jongin exchanged no verbal interaction whatsoever. She took one glance at his back, and asked, ‘Where else?’.

Jongin said nothing, and Rei took him by his arm, pulling him to the bathroom.

Kyungsoo watched them from afar, only to find them close the door. The same picture of Jongin’s back lingered in his head. There were red marks all over, and the skin on his back looked as if they were torn like mere cloth.

Jongin was now completely , and he sat inside the bathtub, his back still hunched. The pain was now causing a headache to come through. ‘Just sit still. It’s going to hurt.’ Rei said with barely any sugar coating to her words, rolling up the sleeves of her t-shirt and tying up her long hair. Jongin shut his eyes, pressing his knuckles against his teeth.

Somehow the pain felt more unbearable than when he felt the edge of the leather belt tearing across his skin, like the hoofs of a horse riding faster than the wind crash against the sand of the ground in a steady rhythm. Hard, and never-ending, Jongin’s last resort against the pain that he so unwillingly welcomed was to convince himself that it would end. The man whom had bought this sadistic pleasure from him would be satisfied, and walk out of the door and he would be alone with the rewards he rightfully deserved.

For some reason, the image of paper money and gold did less than soothe him, for his mind became void of any thought. He did not want to move, or to think, or to feel.

Kyungsoo could hear the loud hissing echoing from within. There were occasional grunts of pain, but neither of them were channels to the amount of pain Jongin was going through. Rei’s skilled hands limited the worst of the pain to a mere seven minutes.

Jongin seemed to have lost all control of himself that he was now still as a statue, as he was helpless. ‘Do you want to wash before I wrap you up?’ she asked.

Of course, he did. His body felt sticky and dirty. He could feel the layer of sweat and dirt layering up over his skin. He felt horridly uncomfortable and filthy. He nodded slightly. Rei took a pail of water and a body sponge, mixing it in with liquid soap. He was unresponsive, and when Rei asked something else, he did not hear her.

So she sat down beside him outside the tub and carefully brushed the sponge over his body. She was particular with her movements, taking care not to touch his injured back. Jongin remained static and empty-minded.

As Rei washed the dirt and blood of his body, she was overcome by her own sadness. She learned to say nothing to Jongin of his constant scars and bruises that he was not at fault for, for she knew the reason that lay behind it. It had worn him, now physically and mentally – perhaps even emotionally. When she lifted his hand to clean them, he was in absence of life, just like a puppet.

He and Baekhyun; they were no different to each other. The only difference was one was in hospital and the other was not. Their bodies, they had willingly subjected to what mattered to them most – scraping layer by layer of skin was the cost of their dreams. The skin on their bodies, the skull of their thoughts, and the ribs around their heart, was slowly, willingly peeled off for what they envisioned as their dreams. It hurt, and at times they realize this, but circumstances do not give in.

This was the reality they lived in.

It cost to get something they wanted, more so than what it should.

Some people are given the liberty to run away and find themselves anew. For many people, they are unable to unshackle themselves. Sometimes, people choose to remain bound because of the length of the chains which bind them. What kind of world could be tread with unbound feet was frightening to them, and sometimes, it was.

Sometimes liberty stabs you in the back and throws you into a darker, deeper pit.

Rei spent an hour or so, patiently and tenderly washing Jongin’s body and hair, then bandaging his entire abdomen to keep his wounds safe from too much impact.

‘Kyungsoo.’ He murmured.

‘Do you want me to get Kyungsoo for you?’

Jongin did not respond.

Rei fetched Kyungsoo for him anyway. It was time he sat down with Jongin and find out for himself what was going on. Jongin’s state has not changed at all ever since he went inside the bathroom, except that he looked cleaner. His gaze was aimless and he clutched to his legs inside the bathtub.

Kyungsoo took more time than Rei did to visually digest the image of Jongin that was now in front of him.

‘Are you going to stay in there?’ he asked, though politely. He saw a footstool by the bathtub, which he presumed Rei must have used, and sat on it. ‘What happened?’

Jongin did not answer.

Kyungsoo noticed water droplets falling off the ends of Jongin’s dark hair and seeping into the edges of the bandage on his body. ‘Hey, your hair’s still wet.’

Silence.

‘Should I dry it for you?’ he asked.

‘Whatever.’ He mumbled.

Kyungsoo did not take this as a sincere answer and hesitated as he pulled a towel he saw hanging from the sink. His fingers were stiff and awkward the first few seconds he tried to dry Jongin’s hair, then adjusted himself, feeling a little more comfortable.

‘Ouch.’ Jongin muttered and Kyungsoo noticed he had accidentally pressed his arm against Jongin’s back. He retracted it.

‘Sorry.’

They remained in silence for a moment, then Jongin finally spoke.

‘Kyungsoo.’ He called and waited for him to look at him. ‘Kiss me.’

The other stared.

‘Kiss me. I mean it.’

Something about the tone of his voice made Kyungsoo nervous. Sure, he had always been waiting for the next kiss with Jongin, but given the context and the mess of his emotions, Kyungsoo felt unsure. The grayness of Jongin’s face was uninviting. Beautiful, but uninviting.

Yet, Kyungsoo obliged. He had never initiated a kiss with Jongin before; he had always been led. He tried to keep his gentleness, but found passion instead and he held Jongin’s neck steady as he kissed him to his heart’s content. Kyungsoo felt as if it was fear trembling through Jongin’s lips, for his lips felt so unsure. For once, when they pulled away, Jongin was not flashing his sly smile at him.

‘Will that do?’

‘Yeah.’ Jongin said, then finally rose from the bathtub.

Rei was still in the room, sitting idly at Jongin’s desk. Jongin dressed and expressed his thanks. He shot a knowing glance to Rei before she and Kyungsoo left.

‘Take a walk with me.’ She said. Rei’s “take a walk with me” equated to “let’s stroll somewhere together and talk about something worth our thoughts”, as he continued observing her. Ironically, when they actually began talking, they were not walking at all. They headed to the common room, where they sat on a couch, bathed in the dim light of a single fireplace.

‘How much have you guessed?’ the dark fiery light shaded her face like a half-opened lid.

‘He’s sleeping with people for money.’ Kyungsoo answered honestly. It was no use trying to pretend he never made assumptions on Jongin.

‘A person.’ She corrected him.

‘Why?’

‘Jongin is bound by the responsibilities he subjects himself to. Both he and his sister had always looked for means to sustain themselves, or improve it, if possible. The only difference between them was Jongin had his channels into the black market, and between them both, Jongin was willing to hurt himself.’

Kyungsoo felt nervous.

‘Jongin used to stick with an agent, until he found out he could earn more if he knew how to pick his client, and he found one -  a married man with hidden heteroual fantasies. He knew what he signed up for, and he learned hard to please this client. He’s been with him ever since last year.’

‘But he hurts him. What were those? Whipping marks?’

‘Belt.’

‘Isn’t that illegal?’

‘Is anything Jongin does for money legal?’ she asked, then sighed. ‘To Jongin it doesn’t matter. He gets paid a high rate, and at the end of the day that’s all that matters to him.’

‘But why?’

‘It used to be his sister. Jongin had ambitions for his sister and him, and she had the same.’

‘But his sister’s gone.’

‘It makes you wonder what’s making him stay, doesn’t it?’ her eyes glimmered a mysterious light. ‘Why doesn’t he leave?’ she narrated his inquiries.

‘Why?’

Was it fear of financial instability? Greed? Fear of leaving? Fear of breached privacy?

‘Do you think he might be scared of something?’

‘Fear.’ She murmured, as if some kind of gentle wind slipped off her tongue. ‘Fear makes you do a lot of things, doesn’t it? Or makes you do nothing at all.’

The way she stared further away from him. Her eyes were weighted with knowledge that he did not possess. Kyungsoo knew she had a bigger view of things, and always did, no matter how close she was seeing things.

‘But isn’t it better if he stopped?’

She shook her head. ‘Sometimes people are too used with struggling, Kyungsoo. They feel unsettled just thinking about an easier life. Jongin’s only 18, but he’s so used to working it feels wrong if he doesn’t. He’s not used to having less responsibilities, even if that responsibility has-‘ Rei paused abruptly. ‘-passed away.’

Kyungsoo could not understand it the way Jongin did. In a simpler scenario, Kyungsoo had always been taught to help his mother with chores around the house. He could never feel calm if he went a day without tidying something. It was like that, he figured to himself.

Rei asked how Baekhyun was doing and Kyungsoo told her.

‘I just felt so different.’ His eyes drifted as did his mind. ‘I knew being insecure is a thing but having a disease like that? I knew it existed but I guess I never really understood what it was.’

Kyungsoo’s shoulders drooped as if he was finally defeated by the weight of everything around him. ‘To tell you the truth, Rei, being here scares me. I thought exploring places I’m not used to would make me happier. You know, I don’t think highly about my hometown. To me, it’s ugly as much as it’s home. But I guess, ugly exists everywhere.’

Rei took his hand and pressed it in between her palms. ‘I have fun too, but there are so many things that scare me at the same time.’

‘Maybe it’s time we take a trip.’ She had suggested with such a casual coolness to her voice the suggestion sounded almost too fantastic.

‘Do you really think that would work?’

She sighed. ‘Sometimes hiding for a bit helps. It doesn’t make your problems fade, but it’s less scary when you don’t have to face the monster head-on.’

‘You mean, I should hide from everyone?’

‘Hide from whatever it is that makes you scared.’

‘Go somewhere beautiful and then return to the ugly?’

Rei nodded. The idea was still a hazy one, but Rei’s collected eyes assured him he could trust her, and trust was all he needed to seek a way out. Just like Jongin, he did not mind being lost with her, so long she never let go of his hands.

‘It’ll get uglier, and prettier the more you open your eyes. But you’ll survive, somehow.’

‘You really think so?’

‘I do.’

‘You know, you look pretty close with Jongin.’ He asked, and not in a suspicious way.

‘I’m only there to clean him up.’

‘Don’t you want him to stop?’

‘I say things only once.’

‘But doesn’t it worry you? When your friends hurt themselves?’

‘You can heal scars, Kyungsoo. But sometimes, you don’t get to stop it from happening.’

‘Why not?’

‘People hurt and need to heal but sometimes, they don’t want help.’

Kyungsoo shrank in his seat. The world seemed a little darker to him. Hopeless, and hurting, and refusing any form of help, even when it was slowly being eaten away by time. Kyungsoo grew up believing that everyone wanted a better life, but it only occurred to him that as time bled fast, we were faster to put happiness at stake to keep up with the rat race. Maybe, a better life no longer meant a happier life.

To Kyungsoo, that meant Jongin would keep on calling Rei and she would keep wiping the blood off his body, never questioning, watching him wither away day by day until the blossom of his youth dies and leaves nothing but the remains of what life had made of him.