CHAPTER FOURTEEN

some things are better not known

He’ll look for you.

Baekhyun has never felt his heart beat so fast, thumping hard against the inside of his ribs. Something felt tight inside his chest as he ran, keeping his feet constantly moving, off the ground in a pace he is struggling to keep constant. The floodlights were near-blinding and bright and Baekhyun had to blink several times to wear the stinging sensation off. He was no longer breathing, but gasping as he tried to finish the last of the field track. His cheeks felt hot, his legs were growing numb.

Just a little more, he told himself.

He tried to distract himself with the music he had put on using his MP3 player, but it was hard with the exhaustion demanding his bodily attention.

But at last, Baekhyun reached the finish line, and his legs was about to snap from his body. He slowed down at once and stopped, bending over to catch his breath from the cold air. Once his breathing stabilized, Baekhyun cooled down and headed back to his dorm room. Sweat was trickling like running water down his entire body and Baekhyun wanted to just wash and lie down to end the day.

‘You look pretty beat,’ Jongin greeted Baekhyun as he entered the room, wiping the sweat off his neck with his arm. He was lying down on his bed with a book in his hands.

‘Maybe my stamina’s deteriorating,’ he smiled, though it was saddening to think of. Baekhyun, however, did not want to show it.

‘Did you eat at all today?’ Jongin placed an arm behind his head. Baekhyun was taking off his t-shirt to put in their shared dirty laundry basket, his back on Jongin when he said this, and he cautiously raised his gaze. ‘I mean because cardio needs accessible energy source,’

Baekhyun turned around, curious. ‘Really?’

Jongin nodded. ‘That’s what Sehun told me anyway,’ he shrugged. ‘Muscle training burns more fat. What he said,’ he emphasized. Baekhyun tightened his brows. ‘How far did you run anyway?’

’10 kilometres?’ Baekhyun answered.

‘Wow,’ Jongin breathed loudly. Baekhyun tried to hide the embarrassment on his face, then pulled a towel hanging from the metal frame of his bed and hung it over his shoulder. With a pondering look, he entered the bathroom and closed the door, to Jongin’s watchful eyes. Jongin then expressed a pained look and lied back down, thinking himself dumb.

Baekhyun hung his towel on the towel rail and stood in front of the sink, catching the last of his breaths. He took a good look at his own reflection; and he saw a less than average boy, a sickly pale skin colour, dull and almost greyish. He saw excess skin and flesh hanging from every limb, a bloated stomach and sick eyes.

To every other person, Baekhyun would have been just someone with bad eyesight, or the delusions of a perfectionist. For in the mirror, stood a sad looking boy with pale skin, ribs that were slightly protruding below his chest and sagging shoulders.

He sighed, then took off his running pants and walked into the shower cubicle. When he got out of the bathroom, Jongin alerted him of repeated missed calls. Baekhyun took his phone and checked his notifications.

‘,’ Baekhyun turned frantic.

Jongin watched him try to call the caller again.

‘Yeah, it’s Byun Baekhyun.’ His voice sounded anxious. ‘Are you serious?’ his eyes lit up. ‘No, of course not. Thank you!’ he tried to contain a laugh. ‘Thank you so much,’ he dismissed the call.

‘What is it?’ Jongin was curious.

‘I got it. I got a modelling contract.’ it was a turn from how demotivated Baekhyun looked just a short while ago. ‘I got the contract,’ he immediately dialled Chanyeol’s number, announcing the news. Midway the conversation, however, Jongin noticed Baekhyun’s face change. The latter bit his lips with an expression of regret. ‘Okay, I’ll be there.’ He said. ‘Chanyeol ordered pizza,’ he told Jongin.

‘Neat,’ Jongin instantaneously sat up. No wonder he had that look on his face. Jongin figured that Chanyeol, being the supportive boyfriend he was must have been overjoyed at hearing the news. After all, Chanyeol loved pampering his boyfriend.

After Baekhyun dressed, they went to Chanyeol’s room together, and had found the two inhabitants already on the floor in the middle of the room, seated on a carpet. There was quite a number of pizza boxes stacked in front of both Kyungsoo and Chanyeol. There were also two bottle of carbonated drinks. ‘Hey,’ Kyungsoo was already drinking.

‘Congrats, babe.’ Chanyeol took Baekhyun by the waist as the latter sat down beside him. ‘For how long?’

‘I didn’t ask, but they asked me to come down tomorrow.’ Baekhyun replied. ‘Where’s everyone else?’

‘Rei’s working and Sehun has practice. I couldn’t reach Soojung,’ Chanyeol shrugged. Jongin noticed Kyungsoo looking at him but he was far too distracted to pay attention to him.

Rei’s words rang loud in his head.

He’s wired to think he must do it.

Isn’t doing it the healthy way better?

Yes, but this isn’t about what’s better. It never is.

Why not?

Rei had waited for a while before answering.

It’s not a diet. Disorders are illnesses. She said, looking unsure, but Jongin did not push her. Rei said Baekhyun must have been pressured to lose weight, especially since he entered the modelling industry, despite the fact he was already thin to begin with.

‘Come on, let’s eat.’ Chanyeol opened the first box. ‘Baekhyun?’ he offered a slice. Jongin noticed Baekhyun’s face slightly change but he accepted the offer anyway.

‘The pizza arrived fast,’ Jongin commented, helping himself to a serving.

‘We actually ordered it because Lawson got two of his artwork sold at a fair,’ Chanyeol explained., his mouth full. ‘And then Baekhyun got his contract, so-‘ he shrugged. Jongin was interrupted by his phone vibrating from inside the pocket of his pants, and upon seeing Rei’s name and photo flash to life on the screen, he took it quite comfortably in front of the rest.

‘Are you outside?’ she asked, which was odd of her. Then Jongin remembered that it was Monday – usually he would be out “working” tonight, but the man who was paying was out of town, so he had the night off.

‘No, why?’

‘Any idea why Soojung would be at the café where your sister worked?’ Rei’s question made Jongin reflexively knit his brows and blink twice. His gaze accidentally fell on Kyungsoo, who had been observing him for quite a while. Preferring not to hold such a personal topic with his friends as audience, Jongin got up and left the room.

‘Are you sure?’ Jongin could hear his voice echo lightly into the darkening void of the dormitory corridor.

There was a long pause, as if Rei was deciding what or how she wanted to say what she was seeing to Jongin. ‘I’ll talk to you later. I’ll be back pretty soon. Wait for me,’ she said.

‘Where?’

‘The roof above our common room. I’ll text you once I get into school compounds,’

‘Okay,’ Jongin consented, a question still lingering in his head. It sounded coincidental, but the way Rei asked sounded as if maybe there was more to it than that. Rei slipped her phone back into her pocket and took the drink that she ordered from the counter of a café she had stopped by.

If Rei could spare time, she would have maybe gone to find a different café than the one that Kim Jongyeon last worked in, but Rei could only think about going back to the dorm and completing a project paper. There was an exchange of awkward glances when she found that boy whom she and Soojung questioned was also the one who attended to her at the cashier.

He had a frail smile, but was genuinely polite nonetheless. She ordered an iced peach tea with honey instead of sugar. ‘You’re meeting with your friend again?’ he asked.

Rei raised an eyebrow, obviously clueless to what he’s asking.

‘That’s your friend over there, isn’t it?’ he tilted his head in the direction of a table placed way at the back of the café, with benches. Rei gave him the money for her drink and while she waited for him to return her change, she took a quick glance in that direction. She could make out the figure of a customer seated there. She was small against the rather large backside of the bench and was wearing an overall shorts with a white t-shirt underneath. Her short ginger hair said it all. ‘Here’s your change,’ Doyoon gave Rei her change back and Rei, her eyes still on the customer, went to find a seat.

Soojung was not alone.

Rei spotted part of a man’s backside – the broad figure and clothes hinted her as much – sitting in front of Soojung. It was rather far from where Rei was seated and she did not intend to observe her for that long. Soojung looked sober and less happy as compared to her usual self, but nothing out of the ordinary had happened, as far as Rei had seen her.

Still, her expression, although small and too far for Rei to accurately decipher, looked grim. Normally, Rei would want not to disturb Soojung’s privacy, but something told her that she needed to be particular. Who was that man? Why was she in the café Kyla worked in when there were plenty of other cafes to be at? Why does she look grim?

That was when she had called Jongin.

Rei was not exactly sure what she wanted to ask or tell him, and decided it best be kept till they could talk about it face to face. When she heard her “name” – she had put ‘Sophie’ as her name, considering she knows Doyoon does not know her name. He called her and she went to the counter to pick up her drink.

‘Enjoy,’ he smiled.

‘Thank you. And um-‘ she bit the corner of her lip. ‘I’m sorry about the other day when we came.’

‘It’s no problem,’ he shook his head. ‘Maybe we can talk again sometime?’ he said. Rei knew he was more than just suggesting; he wanted to talk to her another time again. Rei put a hand on the counter, pressing a small piece of paper onto the surface.

‘Call me,’ she said, with a voice that was not too quiet, grabbing her drink and heading out of the café. Doyoon saw a torn piece of white paper on the counter, then quickly took it. Another one of the staff pressed Doyoon’s shoulder and gave him a knowing smile and Doyoon watched Rei disappear elsewhere.

Rei took another bus ride down to a street close to school, then used the usual technique in – by sneaking. As she had expected of Jongin, he was where they had agreed to meet by the time she got there. Rei had always admired how the school took great care and designing and managing the infrastructure provided to the students.

The roof of the South Wing had been turned into a mini rooftop garden, with benches for students to make comfortable use of them. Jongin was sitting at a canopied sitting area, a lit cigarette clasped between the fingers of his left hand and his right busy on his phone. Rei heard the small mewls of a cat, and saw a lean, brown-furred one climbing up to Jongin’s side.

Jongin looked down when it began rubbing its side against Jongin’s bare calf. ‘Don’t come near me. Secondary smoking is bad for you,’ he said, its small head. ‘You don’t want to die at 35 like I do, do you, Pixel?’ he looked down at it. Pixel merely head-butted against Jongin’s skin. It was a scruffy looking cat, very hyper but well-cared for, especially by Jongin. ‘But you won’t really get to live that long, anyway, huh?’ his voice was low, barely sad.

Jongin looked up when he heard Rei’s approaching steps, and she laid down her bag and sat down beside him. ‘So how’s life as a careered woman?’

‘I wish my student’s dad would stop staring at me,’ she said, to a slight rise of Jongin’s eyebrows.

‘Interesting,’ he merely replied. ‘You don’t look like a tutor much, though. I mean, not as mature as you usually would when you go teaching.’

‘My student tonight was a 9-year old. Piano,’ she said. ‘The dad is in his thirties, I think.’

‘Is he doing anything to you?’ Jongin did not like the sound of Rei being goggle-eyed by an older man; a husband and father not to mention.

Rei shook her head. ‘He tried to get me to stay for dinner once. But he can’t really do much. The mother stays at home all the time and she always watches me teach her daughter. So what about you? How was the pizza?’

‘The boys were loud,’ he exhaled. ‘While we were eating, like maybe half an hour into it, Baekhyun got up. He said he suddenly remembered he had work to do, so he left with a piece still in his hand. And then I pretended that I had work to do too, so I went out of Chanyeol’s room. I see Baekhyun running all the way back to our room. I waited until he got in first. When I entered, he was in the bathroom, and the pizza piece he carried? He had thrown it into the bin. , Rei-‘ he shook his head. ‘The vomiting sound was so loud and clear. You know how the bathroom echoes noises, right? He took a long while in there. I heard enough. I went out and just-‘ he shrugged. ‘-I don’t know what I was supposed to do.’

He had a concerned and guilty look in his eyes. ‘He was actually-‘ he gestured with his hands. ‘-throwing everything he ate back out. That’s got to hurt I don’t even like it when I vomit by accident.’

‘It does,’ Rei said.

‘What about Soojung? You said you saw her?’

Rei nodded, sipping her peach tea. ‘I have something to tell you.’ She said warily. Jongin waited. ‘The other day Soojung and I went out to find out more about what might have happened to your sister.’

Jongin’s face changed. ‘Why?’

‘Wait-‘

‘Do you think I want you to be running around trying to find out what happened to my dead sister?’ he demanded. ‘I’m not pushing the cops because I’m trying to let go!’ His voice was stern.

‘It’s not about you!’ Rei answered back, only because she needed Jongin to listen. He tore his gaze away. ‘Soojung did not do it because of you. And I helped her because I was trying to help her, not you.’ She said. Jongin’s face was stubborn and intolerant. ‘I want to know how important your sister is to her,’

‘Why?’ Jongin finally looked at her. Rei exhaled.

‘Because she’s emotionally disturbed by her death, maybe even more than you.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘She said she was close to her as well. She really wanted to know what happened to your sister,’ Rei responded. She then recounted exactly what happened the day they talked to Doyoon. ‘I know you take her to see your sister all the time, but how close could they be if all she did was accompany you to visit her?’

Jongin’s brows tightened, and his lips pursed. He does not think Soojung and Jongyeon could have had so much of an interaction without him. Even though he was close to her and he sometimes asks her advice regarding his sister, Soojung never particularly showed like she knew Soojung better than Jongin did. ‘I don’t know,’ he surrendered.

‘You want to find out too, don’t you?’

‘Leave me out of this,’ Jongin fumed again. ‘And tell Soojung to stop going after the truth,’

‘I’m not asking you to get into it,’ Rei said calmly. ‘I’m asking if it’s true or not,’

‘So what? She’s in a better place now,’

‘You feel bad,’ Rei added. Jongin, clenching his fists, immediately got up. He could not hear another more of Rei’s revelation on his emotions. He walked farther away from her and towards the entrance back into the building before he could punch himself. He hated hearing accurate narrations of things he never wanted to confront.

Rei let him leave. She knew Jongin has always wanted to know what happened to Kyla, but with a heavy guilty conscience did not. Clearly, “moving on” was not working for him right now.  

Jongin tried his best to remain composed so that he did not expose himself in front of Baekhyun. The latter was perched at his desk, doing his homework. Jongin remembered the initial ordeal of which he had earlier discussed with Rei regarding his roommate. Jongin opened his mouth, wanting so badly to just say something to him, but nothing came out. He sat down at his bed, watching Baekhyun from behind.

‘Hey,’ he finally called after a while.

‘Yeah?’ Baekhyun’s voice was the same, normal uplifting voice he had always possessed. He did not turn to Jongin.

‘A-are you okay?’ Jongin asked. Baekhyun did not detect any oddness in Jongin’s question.

‘Uh-huh,’ he replied. He then found himself stopping his hand from writing. ‘Why do you ask?’

‘N-Nothing,’ Jongin cleared his throat. ‘You look a little tired sometimes,’ he said, then cursing himself for not having a better way of expressing his thoughts.

‘Really?’ Baekhyun twisted his body to face Jongin. Jongin felt all the more nervous with his eyes on him.

‘I-I just-‘ he stuttered. ‘-I mean,’ he sighed. ‘Take care of yourself,’

Baekhyun raised an eyebrow. ‘Uh, okay.’ He shrugged. Jongin’s eyes wandered elsewhere.

‘I-I’m going to sleep,’ he got up and went to the bathroom in a hurry. Jongin exhaled loudly upon entering, leaning his back against the closed door.

You feel bad, he could hear Rei say to him. You want to care but you can’t because you’re afraid. Jongin hung his head low.

His mood in a slump, Jongin proceeded to brush his teeth and wash his face before heading to bed.

‘Jongin,’ Baekhyun called. Jongin paused to look at him. ‘Thanks,’ he said. Jongin felt heat rise to his cheeks.

‘Sure,’ He nodded emotionlessly before hiding himself under the sheets of his bed, deliberately facing the windows. Maybe she is right. Maybe I am scared. Jongin tries to shut his eyes.

You know you are.