CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

the light in your eyes are fading

The leading director of Saint Roche Brewery looked up at the Le Méridien, then back at the lines of buildings on the other side of the street tall against the reddening sky. Briskly, he stepped inside, feeling more nervous than he should be. Zhen, his personal assistant had taken the lead, approaching the front-desk counter at the lobby and muttering quiet words to the woman there.

Zhen advised his employer to sit and the other did so. Certain other guests and staff who were pacing around the lobby and waiting recognized him – everyone did. His silky dark brown hair and deep brown eyes were distinct, and his lack of the typical powerful confidence of a corporate director – despite his still agile, tall build - made people hold their stare for longer than three seconds. He was young still, less than 40 perhaps, with barely any signs of aging except the lines of exhaustion under his eyes.

‘Sir-‘ Zhen gestured a direction with his hand to the director. He looked behind him, where stood a girl with long black hair. He stood up, his tired eyes were awake now, or rather found its source of exhaustion.

‘Papa.’ Rei was still and her gaze registered avoidance.

‘My little girl.’ Ryu came face to face with his daughter. She was hardly little.  It seemed like forever since he last saw her for there was a difference to her that met his eyes but he could not identify what it was. Had she grown? She certainly was taller than the first day he sent her off to Solstis. He could feel a welling pain inside his stomach, an accumulation of all the days he was unable to spend with her in the nine years since they moved to this metropolis.

The distance, the gorge that had grown in between them without their will was apparent in the mere inches that set them apart now, and Rei, she felt sad.

‘I’m sorry I couldn’t see you properly earlier.’ Ryu said, his fists were clenched to his side. Rei did not say anything, nor did she appear to have heard his apology. She had heard it so many times, and yet it was not a matter of hearing the same thing over and over again. Neither of them had made that gorge appear. Neither of them made the shackles that bound either of them to opposite sides, compelled to only stand and see for across the other side for all eternity.

They said no more words, and Zhen drove the father and daughter to a restaurant.

‘The court, they put you under my care.’ Ryu said over a well-laid lunch for two, which neither of them touched. Then there was silence again before he continued. ‘Why?’

Rei had been staring at her food, watching it turn cold. ‘I want to stay with you.’

‘How can you stay for me when I am not there?’

‘You asked Mama to move back home, didn’t you?’

‘Because she has no business here, and you don’t either.’

‘And you? Why do you stay here? Paris makes you sad, Papa. I can see it on your face. You look different at home and here.’

‘There is no more home there, little girl.’ He said quietly. Rei clasped her lips, her gaze falling.

‘No, there isn’t. But you still miss it, just like I do.’

‘Go back to Mama. After you finish school, go back there, or go somewhere else. I’ll send you wherever you want. Just tell me.’

‘I want to stay, Papa.’ She said again.

Ryu resigned to his daughter’s words. ‘Is it truly different in school? Or are the children just the same?’

‘I found honest people. They care for me Papa and I care for them too.’ Her words were firm yet gentle. ‘They are people who are about to lose but can give so much more than the people we are used to. Funny,’

‘They are just like you then.’ He smiled. Rei was taken aback by his reply but did not press onto it further. She had never felt honest, or on the verge of losing. She was a liar to everyone she cared about, or so she thought. She was different and at times she felt out of place, too fortunate, too lucky to ever understand them for they truly are.

‘Are you happy there?’ he asked.

‘I am.’ But like all happy things, Rei knew it would cease to last. It had always been like that ever since she was born. Sad, but Rei had grown accustomed to it. It was the nature of her life and her father, and she was too calm to be swayed by it.

‘Then cherish it. Remember it, keep it and treasure it.’

Rei nodded. Perhaps that was the mistake of the two when they realized their shared happiness was gone, but was it truly happiness if you are aware that it will end? To know that something you lived for was not going to last and that it will never, ever come back? To visit heaven and never step foot in it again? Rei’s world will never be the same, but she was not in control of time or fate. Questions did not matter, not anymore.

Contemplate as she could, and time will still pass. She will still be forced to leave this all behind.

That was what she felt when she watched her father being driven away. He was to fly to New York tomorrow.  Was there another chance she would see him again? Probably, but neither of them were accompanying each other on their separate journeys. That part of their lives was long gone. She would do without or die trying.

Anyone who knew would think she looked awfully calm for someone who had just witnessed her parents separate – parents whom she still loved dearly, but no one did know. She had not been able to see them at all the other evening in Gangnam. Her parents were insistent on stopping the press from following them but her grandparents forbade them from retreating from the public, and Rei willingly withdrew from the scene and demanded to leave without saying goodbye.

She looked very solemn during practice and was unresponsive to the coach’s praises for her. When asked, she told them she was a little tired. She politely declined the other’s invitation to have supper out and instead headed for the Banpo Bridge. It was a quiet walk, it was the last hour the city buses were going around and the crowd was thinning down. She wasn’t particularly fascinated by the lights, but the silence and slight emptiness made her stay.

‘Isn’t it dangerous to be out here all alone?’ Rei lazily turned her head from looking out to the Han river and the sprouting coloured water, to the voice behind her. She was rained in the rainbow and it glowed like a halo behind her.

She turned to the fountain lit water again, her face illuminated. She looked almost unreal, like a spirit that was not really there.

‘Are you alright?’ Jaehyun asked. ‘You looked very distant during practice.’

‘I suppose I was.’

He stood next to her. ‘Did something happen? With your parents?’

‘Nothing out of the ordinary.’ She insisted herself more than she was trying to convince Jaehyun. ‘You’re here because I’m walking alone late at night, aren’t you?’

‘I was worried.’

‘I apologize, then, for making you worried.’

They stood in silence, blankly at the clear glass wall that they have seen too many times to count.

‘Rei, I-‘ he swallowed. ‘-I didn’t know what happened to you until that night in Gangnam. When I told you I didn’t trust Jinwoo anymore, I-‘

Rei looked up at him, her eyes stagnant. Only then I knew.

‘I’m sorry.’

There was a pause.

‘I asked Grandfather to cut them out, at all costs. Every single one of them. You won’t have to see them again.’

Again, Rei said nothing. She turned back and headed for the hotel. Grimly, Jaehyun followed behind her without another word. The silence and emptiness of the streets made him more aware of lights and the wind. For such a young girl, Rei walked boldly enough past the dark streets, not once turning her heads to random men who made odd noises to catch her attention. Jaehyun walked closer behind her and the noises ceased to be.

In the elevator, they exchanged no words and whenever Jaehyun looked at her he felt as if he was not even there at all.

‘Goodnight, Rei.’ He said as the elevator slowed down to a stop on the fourth floor. The doors opened, cuing his leave. Jaehyun refrained from looking back at her. Guilt welled up in him, and he could feel something slipping between his fingers like fine sand.

‘Jae.’ He heard her call softly. She held a hand between the door. She did not look at him, and there was an apparent hint of sadness in her eyes. ‘Did you know all along that they’d separate?’

He could not stand the weight of her question, nor the weight of guilt that now piled on the inside of his guts. He tore his gaze away from him, his lips frowning. ‘I did.’ He swallowed hard. He had known for a long time. ‘Your father made me promise not to tell you.’

‘I see.’ She said, her voice unchanging. ‘Goodnight then, Jae.’ She pulled her hand back from the elevator door.

‘Rei-‘ the doors closed before he could apologize.

How long have you waited, Papa? Rei pondered. Was I too blind or was I never there with you to notice?

‘Oh, Rei. Someone was looking for you.’ Her roommate Mari was lying on her bed, ready to sleep anytime. ‘Oh Sehun . He’s your classmate, isn’t he?’

‘Did he say anything?’

She shook her head. ‘He looked pretty nervous, though.’

Rei thought it was an odd thing to point out. She dialled his number and Sehun  answered almost immediately.

‘You looked for me?’

‘Yeah, I thought we could go catch dinner but I couldn’t reach you.’

‘I’m sorry I was out just now. Have you eaten yet?’

‘Yeah, don’t worry. Maybe tomorrow night?’

‘That’s fine with me.’

‘Great. See you then,’

‘Goodnight, Sehun .’

‘Goodnight, Rei.’ He hung up. Sehun  was straining his breath and he returned to a call he had put on hold.

‘You really sound different when you panic.’ Baekhyun teased deliberately.

‘Shut up, Baekhyun. At least you didn’t have to think about approaching Chanyeol.’ He snapped.

‘Getting asked out by a cute guy makes you nervous too, okay? It’s a two-way thing. Plus, Chanyeol was the school president. If that doesn’t make you nervous, I don’t know what will.’

‘Rei will,’

‘She doesn’t have feelings.’

‘That’s very helpful.’ Sehun  said sarcastically.

‘Well, what do you want me to say? You guys were locked in a room for a whole night, why not talk about that?’

‘We were not locked in a room.’

‘And you were drunk.’

Sehun sighed hopelessly, gazing out onto the empty Paris streets from the roof of the hotel building. ‘She cried that night.’

‘Oh, way to go, Hyde! Making a girl cry the first night you spend with her.’ Baekhyun’s voice was menacingly mocking.

‘No! You idiot!’ Sehun was on the verge of losing his patience with Baekhyun. He reacted before he listened but he was also the only one who could ever respond with a decent advice. Jongin was too emotionless to understand what feelings are and Chanyeol was “as stupid as every other clueless, straight boy” as Baekhyun would describe him. ‘She cried out of nowhere. I mean, we did kind of kiss-‘

Baekhyun screamed. Sehun shut his eyes, feeling the heat of embarrassment rise to his cheeks. He knew Chanyeol was there too, and perhaps so was Jongin and maybe Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo, Sehun recalled. He should have turned to him instead. Kyungsoo was quieter and more attentive and could be trusted not to tell the entire school about Sehun’s secret.

After a while, Baekhyun returned to the phone. ‘Okay, and then?’

‘Wait, so, Rei cried because you kissed her?’ he heard Jongin’s voice from the back. ‘Did you assault her?’

Sehun feared that, but Rei assured him he did not, that she was on the other end too, and if the kiss was to be blamed on anyone half of it was hers. ‘She kissed me back, and then she cried.’

‘Maybe you remind her of her ex.’ Jongin said.

‘Jaehyun? No he doesn’t.’ Baekhyun argued like it was the most absurd statement to be said. ‘Sehun is blonde.’

‘Baekhyun, shut up.’ Chanyeol was getting irritated too.

‘I meant, kissing reminds her of him.’ Jongin explained. Sehun was no longer sure who was talking to who. It was like he was there merely to eavesdrop on their conversation.

‘Wow, Rei is that type, huh?’ Baekhyun shifted into deep thought.

‘Maybe it has to do with her parents’ divorce?’ Kyungsoo spoke at last, as he always did.

‘Her parents divorced?’

‘Just yesterday.’

‘How do you know that?’

‘Her dad’s famous.’

‘Her dad’s famous?’ Sehun echoed.

‘She’s the daughter of the director of Saint Roche, and granddaughter of the chairman of that company. You don’t know this?’ Kyungsoo asked Sehun. ‘They’re like one of the most influential families in Europe.’

‘Why would I know that? She never talks about herself.’

‘I thought maybe you would have done a background research when you asked if she could join us sell candies.’ Chanyeol provoked him further. Sehun sighed again.

‘Are you sure you like her?’ Baekhyun asked.

‘Isn’t that why I’m calling? Because I’m confused?’

‘Hetero boy is con-fused.’ Jongin sang.

‘I despise each and every one of you.’ Sehun said. ‘So, what? Should I talk to her? Try to cheer her up?’

‘Why do you have to think about this? You’d do it in a blink of an eye every other time. Now you think you might have feelings for her, you don’t know what to do?’ Chanyeol laughed.

‘I don’t want to come off too strong! What if I make her uncomfortable?’

‘Just do what you always do. What would you do if Soojung was upset?’

‘Make her laugh?’

‘Then do that! Gosh, straight boys really turn stupid when they start having feelings, don’t they? Just do what you’ve always been doing, and when you’ve figured yourself out, go one step further. But make sure she’s alright with it.’

Sehun turned silent.

‘What’s the matter? Is Rei there?’ they joked. ‘Sehun?’

The air grew cold.

‘Actually, she is.’