CHAPTER FIFTEEN

to live without love

It was odd, and a rather difficult thing for Jongin to do just to type “sorry” on his phone. He never knew why it was hard; he always seemed to throw around the word all the time; when he accidentally bumped into a stranger in the hallways or his mind wandered off elsewhere and he got caught by his teacher in class. The word “sorry” was flexible in degree of seriousness, or even use.

Jongin was only familiar to using it on two occasions – out of courtesy, and when whatever he was sorry for, was nothing severe. However, Jongin had never apologized for his feelings. In fact, he had never claimed to have them either. Perhaps his dismissive attitude was affecting people, much to his surprise. It was the exact opposite of why he was dismissive in the first place. Jongin hit the ‘Send’ button and chucked his phone into his bag, throwing it over his shoulder and heading to class.

The day was rather slow and uneventful; some students were missing from class due to sports competitions and other extra-curricular activities. Jongin almost forgot about Soojung until he saw her trotting to class with a carton of orange juice just before class started. She did not seem off-tangent her usual behaviour, so Jongin was even more reluctant to ask about yesterday, and about Jongyeon.

During lunchtime, Rei was nowhere to be seen, and when asked, Sehun merely said, ‘Coach wanted to see her about something,’ and shrugged it off. When pushed further, he said that perhaps he wanted to recruit her for the school swimming team. ‘I heard they’re short on girls,’. Jongin checked to see that Rei had replied his text rather quickly. As usual, she had no grudge held against him, nor was she bitter or angry. Jongin made another request to see her in private.

At 6, Jongin had to go see his client again. He was ordered to meet him in a different place than usual, and hired a cab driver to take him there. He arrived at an unfamiliar location, at small residential area near the coast of the city. There was a small playground, and several identical high-class suite and apartment buildings grouped within a circle like formation. The buildings were all painted in white and of course, it was a gated residential area, but Jongin was permitted access the moment he entered. The interior had the typical features of a costly place; carpeted floors in the corridors, spotless tile floor and a large chandelier hanging on the ceiling of the main lobby.

An took him up to the seventh floor, where Jongin got off alone and was told that his father was in Room 220. ‘Sounds about right,’ he snickered at such a disguise his client had put up for him to get in. Any stranger would know they were not related, for Jongin was tanned with brown eyes and black hair, while his client was pale and had a fiercer look in his eyes than Jongin and a large build. Perhaps he told the staff Jongin was his adopted son. It would have been more believable, maybe.

Jongin knocked and was greeted by the client himself (of course, for the sake of keeping everything private, no one else was to know of their business). ‘That was quick of you,’ he said.

‘The cab driver knew his way around,’ Jongin said, helping himself in.

‘We won’t be meeting in our usual place. Not anymore,’ the client seemed to have just arrived himself. He sat on a couch and pulled off his socks. Jongin took a quick glance around. The interior was large. The moment he walked in, he entered a short hallway and into a large living area. A wall with a small cut-out as a window separated the living area from what looked like a dining room (Jongin did not thoroughly check the place through, he did not need to for now). The décor of the place was a combination of light blue and brown. ‘Frequent check-ins to a hotel isn’t exactly smart when you’re hiding from your wife,’

‘I suppose not,’ Jongin dryly said.

‘So here you go,’ he dangled the suite keys from his hand, and dropped it in Jongin’s hand. ‘You hold on to it. Do what you like with it, so long you don’t get yourself or me caught,’

‘Thanks,’ he said.

The man looked down on his watch. ‘I’ve only got two hours,’ he said, and he ushered Jongin into the bedroom. Like all the other meetings, it was brief, and the moment the man decided he was satisfied, he said ‘I’ll bank in your payment,’ and left. Jongin felt as if that was how he had always lived his life – without emotions, and only for gain. Maybe that was no longer the case, or maybe that had never been the case.

He heard the front door open and click shut before he fell back on the bed in nothing but a towel. He felt the bruises on his back sting from such a hard fall, and he cursed himself. The man had gone quite rough on him tonight, using his belt to ‘experiment’ other ual acts on him and of course Jongin was the one who carried the pain – always had been and always will be. All worth it for the pay, Jongin thought to himself.

Jongin took several deep breaths and then got up again, taking his pants he had laid out on a single couch in the room and pulled his phone from the pocket. Rei replied his message, telling him she was free after 8. It was only half past 7, he checked his phone. He left her another message asking her to call him when she was done. With that, he went into the bathroom to clean up.

He felt a painful strain when he tried to move his back, but was thankful it was not severe. There were no cuts, merely harsh, red marks slashes across his bronze-tinted back. One of the things he liked, switching from ing under an agency and finding one single client who happened to be very wealthy was that he got to enjoy the privilege of using facilities of classy hotels, and now, a high-cost suite. Jongin did not stay long in the large main bathroom, but made use of the expensive shower foam and hot water. He carefully dried his hair and put on his clothes.

It was 7.45.

Jongin did not know where Rei worked that night and did not want to be wandering aimlessly, so he plopped onto a couch in the living room and the television. There was nothing good (or more precisely, nothing he was interested in since he had never been one who had the chance to follow anything on the device) but he kept a cartoon channel playing.

Rei called at precisely 8.01.

‘Daddy leave early?’

‘Thank God,’ Jongin sighed. ‘Hey, Rei-‘ he cleared his throat. ‘I’m sorry about last night,’ he said.

‘Don’t worry about it,’ she said. ‘Where do you want to meet?’

‘Do you want to grab something to eat? I’m starving,’

‘Pick a place, and I’ll see you there.’

‘Great,’

Jongin’s meat cravings took the pair to a steakhouse. The waiter had thought they were a couple, but neither of them were bothered in the slightest. ‘You’re right,’ was the first thing Jongin said to Rei. ‘About yesterday. I do want to know what happened to my sister, but I thought maybe it would be better if I just-‘ he shrugged. ‘-try to let go. She’s gone, so I thought finding out doesn’t really matter anymore.’

‘I understand,’ Rei nodded. ‘But it’s Soojung that’s bothering me,’

‘She didn’t take it well?’ he asked.

‘She’s out a lot more than before, and when she is inside the room she looks distracted.’ She explained. ‘I don’t know if it’s about your sister or something,’ Rei shook her head. ‘But I think it could be,’

Jongin was still trying to digest this. ‘It’s been two months,’

‘Deaths can do that to people. Especially people who relied on you, or you were the only one there when no one else was.’ Rei said, before realizing it. ‘I-I’m not implying anything. It’s just what I’ve seen.’

‘Yeah, I get it.’ Jongin nodded.

‘Anyway, where were you? It took you a while to get here,’ she asked.

Jongin gave a sly smile, then pulled out the suite keys and dangled it in front of her. ‘He bought a place and said I could use it if I wanted to.’

Rei grinned amusingly, almost as if enjoying the show. She rubbed her thumb across her lips.

‘But I guess it’s worth all the-‘ he stopped. ‘-things he’s doing to me.’

Rei’s face changed, showing a sense of pain in the way she clenched her teeth. ‘How bad is it?’ she asked.

‘He used the belt,’ Jongin shrugged, his eyes droopy as if he was more exhausted than he was hurt.’

‘Do you want me to look at it later?’ she offered.

‘If you don’t mind,’ he shrugged. ‘I don’t really like bother about it,’

‘Well, it’s always better to take care of yourself a tad bit, don’t you think?’ Rei smiled warmly.

‘I guess,’ Jongin had never been used to hearing such advice, and it made him slightly embarrassed; perhaps due to Rei being younger than him by two years, and how he saw her like that too – a little sister. As if just in time, the waiter who attended to them returned with their food and drinks. They fell into a mutual silence, picking on the meat dish nicely cooked to their taste. They were indeed rather hungry, but maintained a manner of finesse while they ate. If not for their attire, one would have thought that they were on a first blind date.

As they ate, Jongin stopped, glancing up at Rei. ‘You don’t really talk about yourself.’ He said. Rei looked back at him, not a sign of confirmation nor a sign of denial. She continued eating the piece of meat she is munching before she swallows then clears .

‘You find me interesting?’ she implied, without a smile.

‘You’re the only book that hasn’t opened among us, yet.’ He said. ‘Or should I say, it’s like you’re locked.’

‘I see,’ Rei did not entertain his curiosity.

‘Let me guess,’ he leaned back in his seat. ‘What are you?’ his gaze drifted away as his mind did. ‘You’re smart, but you’re not competitive.’ He crossed his arms, then reversed his gaze back to her. ‘Okay, first guess. You have an older sibling,’

Rei took a sip of her drink. ‘Go on,’

‘You’re trying to stay as far away from your family. Pressure?’

Rei raised a hand to her lips, grazing the back of her index against her lips. ‘Maybe,’

‘Who’s better at this? Sehun?’ Jongin picked up his fork again.

‘He never asked. He likes to watch instead,’

‘Right,’ Jongin nodded. ‘No wonder he stares at you sometimes. I thought he had a thing for you too.’ He said. Rei’s face remained static but Jongin still felt the need to explain himself. ‘I mean, if he does end up liking you, I wouldn’t be surprised. But that was a long time ago,’ he ran a hand through his side bangs. ‘Now I think literally everyone looks at you when you talk,’

‘Quite a flattery,’ Rei smiled, looking barely flattered.

‘It’s true,’ Jongin claimed. ‘You must have noticed,’

Rei hunched her shoulders.

‘Okay,’ Jongin raised his fork. ‘Second guess: you grew up outside of this country.’

Rei kept her gaze.

‘New York?’

‘Accurate. People think it’s a dream to live there.’

‘They read too much,’ he said dryly. ‘And watch too much television,’

‘And listen to too much English songs.’ she agreed. Jongin glanced at her and felt a sense of embarrassment rise inside upon remembering their first encounter. It was all still rather fresh and clear inside his head. They were at their usual favourite restaurant enjoying a weekend dinner together, the five of them when Sehun raised the topic.

The way Sehun described her made them all suspicious, but they decided it would not hurt if they went and saw who this girl was. Maybe she could prove useful in their ordeal. ‘She doesn’t look like a nerd,’ Chanyeol had commented when they all went to the library one day. She was there, as Sehun had told them.

‘She’s pretty,’ Baekhyun said, staring a little too obviously that Soojung had to slap him off so that he did not get discovered. He sighed. Chanyeol cleared his throat, to which Baekhyun scowled. ‘I’m jealous, you .’ He rolled his eyes. ‘I’m still gay,’

‘A bookworm?’ Jongin had pointed out as if it was a derogatory thing they should consider.

‘I swear, she’s not what you think she is.’ Sehun claimed. ‘Come on, talk to her, you’ll know.’ He tugged on Jongin’s sleeve, forcing him to follow to where she had sat alone, a thick book open in front of her.

And Sehun was right; she was nothing that Jongin might have thought she could be. Sure, she was smart, but in so many ways he could not count and exceeding all his expectations by miles. She was not awkward, nor timid. She put up a warm smile, only said what was necessary and within a week she gained his approval.

Rei proved herself an asset to the team, and was more than just a knight piece in the business game. She proved herself capable of being a friend, even more so now at such a critical time such as this. Jongin is not so sure, but he feels as if he could lean on her somehow, even if she remains silent.

When they arrived back at school, Rei insisted he follow her to the resting room, where she made him lie face down with his upper body bare on one of the beds while she took out a first aid kit. She could predict how rough Jongin’s client must have been on him. It was not as painful to the point that it would distract Jongin from his daily matters, but it would cause strain whenever he moved. He would have a hard time if he was not careful with himself.

Rei initially wanted to take a look at him at his own room but Jongin did not want any of the boys to see. ‘This is going to hurt so try your best to relax,’ she told him. Most of the bruises had come from previous meetings with him that Jongin did not find time to treat, and it left a darker scar on his tanned skin. She put on him an ice pack wrapped within a cloth, gently dabbing on his back area by area.

Jongin could feel the chill press against his skin, and he would grit his teeth when he felt them put pressure on his bruises. He buried his face into the pillow and tried his best to withstand it, clawing his nails into them. It was not as bad as what his client does to him but for some reason thinking about money made him feel better every single time.

‘You’re a good brother,’ Rei suddenly said. Jongin turned his head to the side so that he could breathe. She set aside the ice pack then began slowly massaging Jongin where the areas were not critical to encourage blood flow. He felt slightly sad inside, for some reason. ‘Try to take care of yourself a little from now on,’ she said.

Jongin nodded grimly. Feeling Rei’s genuine fingers trying to soothe away his pain made him feel empty. He craved something, and the more Rei rubbed his sore skin, the deeper the feeling was. Something in his heart felt heavy.

Is this what being loved feels like?

Jongin shuts his eyes.