CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

drowning

‘Are you sure?’ Chanyeol’s gaze pierced deeper into Baekhyun’s soul than a demon could.

Baekhyun pasted a shaky smile. ‘I tried to eat it last week with Kyungsoo and I didn’t purge.’

‘You’re not doing this for me are you? Because I don’t want you to force yourself to do something you don’t want and then regret it.’

Baekhyun shook his head. ‘I can do it.’

Chanyeol laid a hand over Baekhyun’s and lightly squeezed it. He had hope, and he knew Baekhyun did too.

But it did not work out.

It took less than ten minutes for Baekhyun’s face to turn pale. He tried to hide it, tried to fight it, but his hands trembled so much he could not stand it. It made him sick and Chanyeol told him it was alright even when Baekhyun refused.

Chicken.

Baekhyun tried to eat chicken.

He had not eaten any for so long he might as well call himself a vegetarian. ‘I’m sorry.’ Tears were already hanging at the edges of his eyes and his face was growing red. He ran to the back of the restaurant where they ate and into the restroom. Chanyeol went blank, then he got up to follow Baekhyun.

‘I’m sorry.’ Baekhyun kept apologizing with red eyes. ‘This was supposed to be a proper date and I ruined it.’

Chanyeol did not say anything, only rubbed Baekhyun’s back. ‘Do you feel better?’

‘Honestly? Yes.’ He did not look happy. ‘I keep ruining everything.’

‘You didn’t.’ Chanyeol said. ‘Come on, let’s take a walk instead.’

Chanyeol paid the bills, after Baekhyun insisted him not to, then led Baekhyun out into the streets.

It was weird. Baekhyun was so sure of himself that this will work out, just once with Chanyeol at least. He was convinced that it would be alright. He felt alright. But his demons consumed his mind when he least expected them to.

It was like poison. You feel fine one minute, and like you’re about to explode the next minute.

Baekhyun did not know how else to make it up to Chanyeol. They had spent the last week together again, doing the things they loved to do, talking about even more things they never thought they would talk about. Chanyeol talked about his family, about the things he loved to do as a child with his older brother. Baekhyun talked about his own personal interests when he was younger and when his only window to the glorified modelling world was the internet.

They were happy.

He was happy.

Baekhyun thought maybe this could work somehow if he tried. Whispers kept telling him that it was unfair for Chanyeol. If you love him, can’t you try?

He told Mina about it, but all she said was to not force himself. Kyungsoo told him not to force himself. Chanyeol told him not to force himself. So why did he? He was not sure.

All that he was certain of was that he had failed terribly – failed at being a good boyfriend.

‘Hey.’ Chanyeol finally stopped. ‘Baekhyun.’

He could not muster the courage to even look at him. ‘Come on, let’s sit down for a bit.’ He pointed to a bench. They had entered a small park.

Baekhyun did as he was bid, still guilty, still solemn. ‘Baekhyun, I-‘

‘I’m terrible, aren’t I?’

‘No,’ Chanyeol shook his head, and took Baekhyun’s hands into his own. ‘It’s alright. What happened there. I know you’re trying, and I’m grateful, but-‘

He sighed. ‘I don’t want you to push yourself and then hurt yourself. If you’re not ready, that’s fine. It doesn’t change anything.’

‘It changes everything! We used to be so different-‘

‘You think we used to be happy because I didn’t know you enough. That’s not how dating should work, and I want to be serious with you. I can’t love you completely if I cannot love you for who you really are. Do you understand?’

‘But if I never…’ Baekhyun choked on his own tears.

‘Then I will still love you the same. If I don’t, I’m not the one for you. If I don’t, then I don’t deserve you. I’ll be the bad person.’

‘You’ll stay with me?’

Chanyeol nodded. ‘So, do you want to go to an arcade? It’s only 7.’ He looked down at his watch.

Baekhyun nodded.

‘Come on then.’ He pulled Baekhyun’s hand.

Baekhyun was not the only one who was afraid. After Chanyeol kissed him goodnight and made sure he had calmed down from the earlier ordeal, Chanyeol could feel his heart completely collapse. He called Rei, asking if she had any cigarettes with her, interested in buying a packet. Rei did not question him, as often her reserved inquiries were often a result of her own accurate intuitions.

She met him on the roof of the South Wing.

He looked disoriented and confused.

She did not say a word, only lit the cigarette for him and turn him away when he wanted to pay.

‘I saw him do it.’

Rei merely stood aside, twisting her two hands together.

‘He tried to eat something and he forced it back out. And I’m the one who got scared.’ He laughed pathetically at himself. ‘And I’m the one who has all these stupid dreams about being there forever with him.’

Rei remained silent.

‘Are relationships like this?’ he asked her. Rei solemnly nodded. ‘What if I never get to save him?’

‘You can’t.’

Chanyeol felt hopeless. ‘So I just…watch him?’

‘It’s a sickness. What can you do? What do you do when someone’s sick?’

‘Stay by his side.’

Rei nodded. ‘You stay by his side. Understand him. Understand what it makes him go through. And don’t blame yourself for something none of us can do. It doesn’t make your feelings for him any less than what it was before.’

‘What if he dies?’ he found himself blurting out, much to Rei’s quiet surprise. He hated to admit it, but the question had been toying inside his mind ever since he found out. It was a disease, they said, and Chanyeol knew diseases could kill. At the end of the day, Baekhyun was still a sick boy, never mind how loud he laughed or how often he talked.

‘He will die loved.’

Rei felt the emptiness of her words. It was useless, she felt, but she could say nothing else. Chanyeol smoked in silence, and Rei stood by the ledge. The wind was stronger on the roof, more satisfying to experience.

‘Have you ever fallen in love, Rei?’

She shook her head.

‘I’m not surprised. So, Jung Jaehyun, who is he? Another rich boy?’

She nodded.

‘You really come from that side of town?’

‘What? The side where underaged kids ride out around town at night in expensive cars?’

‘I was thinking of arranged marriage and political scandals. “Feelings are petty” kind of people. “Money makes the world go round.” Know what I mean?’

Rei lifted a corner of her lips. ‘You’re not entirely wrong. There are the partygoers, and the over-achieving heirs and heiresses. Either way, they all live in a different world made of diamonds and gold.’

‘And where are you in this world of diamonds and gold?’ he wondered.

Rei looked up to the sky, then back down to the field in the distance, where all the big, bad boys were playing out late at night.  Within and without.

‘Sometimes there, sometimes hiding.’

‘Sometimes you’re with them, sometimes you’re just watching from afar.’

Sometimes I’m in the corner with my eyes closed, Rei thought to herself. ‘So many different worlds on this lonely planet.’

‘Hm.’ Chanyeol agreed. ‘Truthfully, the first time Sehun mentioned you, I was sceptical. In my mind, you were this filthy rich girl who has all the nice things in the world. I thought maybe you thought this whole drug business thing was a playground. You know, like riding a pony.’

Rei smiled, amused.

‘It turns out, I was wrong. Sometimes I wonder if we’re alike. Pretending to be two people at the same time but never really perfectly one or the other.’

‘We’re always made up of more than one identities.’ She said.

‘Like a pie?’

‘You could think of it that way.’

‘Well, thanks for the cigarette and the therapy.’

Rei shook her head and hid a laugh. ‘Go kiss him goodnight.’ She said.

‘I will.’ Chanyeol flashed a confident smile, then retreated back into the building. Rei looked down at her watch. It was almost 10, which meant that the swimming team would be done with their practice, and she could go for a swim.

She hurried downstairs. She waited inside the ladies’ changing room while the boys of the swimming team took their time to shower and make fun of each other. They were loud and it was irritating if Rei focused on what they were talking about.

When at last they left the pool area, she came out and dominated the waters. It always felt good to swim again, and she never noticed how long time ticked. Before she knew it, she had to stop because she was panting so much and if she had not she could lose her breath and hurt herself. She stopped at one side, pulling her swimming cap off and kicking her feet underwater.

It was then her phone rang.

Rei lifted herself out of the pool.

Someone was watching from behind.

She answered the call. ‘Rei?’ it was her father. Her face lit up. He always called at odd times. He was always in different time zones. She had gotten used to it.

‘Hi, Daddy.’ She sat by the poolside with her legs in the water.

‘Hi, sweetheart.’ She could hear his usual light-hearted voice. ‘What time is it over there? 12? You’re still awake.’

‘I had a late-night swim. I’ll be up soon.’

‘Hm. It’s cold at night. I don’t want you catching a cold.’

‘Yes, Daddy.’

The person watching her had his back leaned against the wall just near the entrance where he could not be seen. He heard very faint laughs coming from the girl. She spoke in a very soft, quiet voice.

Minutes later, he heard her enter the water again. So much for I’ll be up soon, he thought.

Rei felt empty. Distant. Detached.

Maybe it was the time, or maybe it was the fact that she was alone. Everything suddenly felt aimless. Rei swam but felt nothing. Her body did not feel hers and she found herself drowning in her own thoughts.

She looked down into the depths of the pool, into the darkness that stared right up back at her. Darkness; she liked darkness. It was what made hiding possible, and she loved hiding. As if possessed, Rei swam towards it.

If only this was the sea, she thought.

If only this was as deep as the sea.

She touched the floor of the pool and stayed there. She stayed there for a long time. She stayed there long enough for the darkness to swallow her whole.

And then everything went blank.

When she saw light again, she was coughing out water from her lungs. Her chest felt tight and her breaths were short. She was being carried away and her head was above the water surface. Jaehyun was carrying her to the edge of the pool. He lifted her out of it before pulling himself out. Rei collapsed to the ground, her vision blurry.

She was not sure whether she was suffocating from drowning or from crying.

Jaehyun rubbed her back, helping her cough out anymore foreign remains. ‘You need help.’

Rei shook her head. ‘I’m fine.’ She said in a weak voice, then forced herself to sit up. ‘I’m fine. I’m sorry.’

‘What happened?’ he sat down in front of her, his white t-shirt and jeans completely soaked.

She shook her head. ‘I’m sorry. I made you ruin your clothes.’ Her eyes were red and her lips were pale. He was not sure whether she was crying or dying.

‘It’s just water.’

Rei pressed a hand against her chest, trying to stabilize her breathing. ‘I’ll get you a towel.’

‘Rei-‘ he stopped her. She looked back at him with eyes that showed nothing but cluelessness. She had no intention of showing him what he wanted to know. Jaehyun let her go. He knew there was no way he could make her talk. Once her lips were closed, there was no making her open them.

Rei did not completely abandon him however, and she helped him dry his clothes and hair. She was silent and all traces of what had happened merely minutes before were banished now that her face was dry and her breathing returned to its usual calm pace.

‘So you heard.’

‘Hm.’ Rei was less than interested to elaborate. She was using a towel to dry Jaehyun’s hair. Her fingers were gentle and careful, much like it had been two years ago. He felt warm sitting idle while she care for him.

‘Are you alright?’

‘I am.’ She said, her voice now sternly solid. Jaehyun was not convinced.

‘What did your father say?’

‘He said I have to go meet someone this weekend. Someone who will ask me about him and my mother.’

‘Rei.’

She looked at him in the eyes, her eyes still solidly ambiguous.

‘You’re not okay, are you?’ he stood up, looking down at her. He raised a hand to her face, brushing a thumb against her cheek. It was cold, and raw much like a child’s.

Rei’s eyes still would not stir. She placed a hand over his and pulled it away from her face. ‘I’m sorry you had to dive in to save me.’ She said. ‘Will you be alright?’

I’m not the one you should be worrying about, he thought.

‘You should go back to your room.’ Was all he said. ‘I’ll walk you.’

No more words were exchanged and they returned to the state they were once in before she drowned; the state of silence. Although Jaehyun had a lot more to say, he held his tongue and saw her to her dorm room. She apologized again before bidding him goodnight and he watched her disappear.

‘You really haven’t changed at all, have you, princess?’ he murmured under his breath.