It was summer time in Moscow, but the temperature was still relatively cool. Jinki’s body ached from the 8 hour flight and he was glad that he was finally up and about. The group of them collected their luggage and was going to board the coach arranged by the Russian partner school to their hotel to rest for the night before visiting the research facility tomorrow.

Jinki his phone again once he boarded the coach. His phone started up, and the first thing he saw was Key’s smiling face. He felt a pang in his chest as he was reminded that he was already miles away from that beautiful face, and this was just the start. If this was Key’s way of making Jinki remember him, it was definitely working well.

The time on his phone’s screen showed 3:45am, not a good time to be calling Korea. So he composed a text message to his parents, saying that he’d arrived safely and would call at a more appropriate time.

He was just about to summon the "New Text Message" page to text Key about his landing when his phone vibrated. His parents can’t be awake at this time, surely?

1 New Message: Key (02-07-10 10.20pm)
I am going to sleep now Onew-yah, so tired today ㅠㅠYou’re still on the plane right? What’s the time difference like? Text me when you land, okay? Good night! ‘ㅂ’

It was a delayed message from Key. A smile crept its way onto Jinki’s face as he remembered the goodbye hug. It was nice to know that he’d crossed Key’s mind before he went to bed. He sent out a reply, flipped his phone shut and closed his eyes, the smile still on his face.

“I just landed awhile ago, Key-ah. We’re on the way to the hotel right now ^^ It’s nearly 11pm here and 4am in Korea, so I’m 5 hours behind you. Hehe good morning Key! Have a good day alright? ^▽^”

***

Kibum rolled over on his bed and hit the snooze button on his alarm clock, burying his head deeper into his pillow and lazing for just a little while more. School had just let out for summer break yesterday, and this morning he was prepared to return to Daegu to spend the next month with his family.

He was about to get up when his alarm began to ring noisily again. The snooze button was mostly unnecessary for Kibum since he could hardly ever sleep through the first alarm. He switched it off and reached for his phone that was sitting on his desk.

It’d become a habit since Onew left for Moscow.

He always woke up to Onew’s good morning texts, telling him briefly anything interesting he might have done, and wishing him a good day. The time difference made it hard for them to have a real conversation, and Onew was busy most of the time at the research institute. Good night for Onew was good morning for Kibum, but whatever it was, it was a good way to start each day for him.

The past 2 weeks without Onew around had been just barely tolerable. There were times when Kibum has had a bad day, or that time when he got a distinction grade for his latest sketch that he wanted to show and there was no one else he wanted to go to.

There was even once, the day after Onew left, when Kibum received some freshly-made kimchi from his family and he wanted to share it with Onew, only to go up to his room and knock at his door before remembering that he wasn’t around. The short messages they exchanged in the days were what kept him collected on the bad days, and remember that they weren’t that far apart.

Sure enough, there was Onew’s message waiting for Kibum, as it was every morning without fail.

1 New Message: Onew (16-07-10 5.03am)
Good morning Key! It’s the last day of the semester isn’t it? Finally going back home! Lucky you Key-ah, I miss Korea… D: Anyway, did you get it yet? I hope you did keke. ^▽^

Get it? Get what? Did he mail me the pictures already? Kibum thought as he quickly booted his laptop up. He had been checking his email regularly for the pictures that Onew had promised, but it has been 2 weeks and still nothing came.

He didn’t have a lot of time to spare, so he quickly logged in to his email, anticipating his best friend’s smiling face which he’d missed terribly but also didn’t have anyone to admit that to. But there were only some junk mail and a newsletter from the school regarding the university’s performance in the last semester. Nothing from Onew.

What… There’s nothing! What’s he talking about? Tsk, this boy. And he didn’t even wish me a good day. Kibum frowned, thinking it was already not so good a day without the customary wish from Onew, then wondering why he even got upset at something so trivial.

Despite being disappointed, there wasn’t time to brood. He went to wash up quickly and packed his laptop as well as the last few bits of things he would need for the month-long holiday into his backpack before he headed out of his room, locking the door behind him.

Kibum was just walking past the reception desk of the dorm when the manager on duty called out to him.

“Kim Kibum! Ah, there you are! I was beginning to think I’ve already missed you for the summer break!”

“Ne? Is there something I can do for you?” Kibum asked with slightly raised brows and walked towards the reception desk. It was unusual for the manager to be looking for him, since he hasn’t been in any trouble as far as he knew. He couldn’t think of any reason for this encounter. 

“There’s post for you that came through yesterday. Most of the student helpers have already returned home last night, so we took longer to sort it all out. Here you go!” The manager on duty smilingly handed Kibum an envelope and turned back to his business.

“Thank you, I’ll take my leave now!” Kibum thanked the man politely and continued on his way out of the dorm, examining the envelope in his hands.

Kibum could tell from the red and blue stripes bordering the envelope that it was airmail. A smile began to grow on his face when he saw the stamp of “AIR MAIL SERVICE – MOSCOW, RU.” And it grew even wider when he saw the familiar handwriting beneath the stamp that wrote each letter of “Kim Kibum”, followed by the university’s address so perfectly. Onew’s handwriting.

Kibum gripped the envelope tightly in his hands, feeling a kind of fluttering in his heart as he finally understood what Onew’s text message had meant.

Silly bunny, who still sends anything via the post these days? Kibum chuckled but he was in fact so happy to receive something that was solid and could be held and kept in his hands instead of only seen through his laptop screen. It’s been a long time since he’s had an envelope addressed to him, and there was always the promise of surprises that lay beneath the seal of the envelope.

Once he got on the taxi to take him to the train station, he opened the envelope with much care, and a photo fell out onto his lap.

It was Onew alright, standing in front of a magnificent structure topped with colourful onion-shaped domes. He was smiling so much it looks like the photographer had made him laugh just before snapping the picture; his eyes were mere slits and his mouth was wide open showing the top row of his perfect teeth. The structure and colours of the monument was so picturesque that Kibum thought it made Onew look out of place and as if he was photo-shopped into the background.

It was clashing of two types of heaven. He was beauty on a different level.

The sight of that familiar face brought him infinite comfort; Kibum was smiling like an idiot by now as he stared for awhile more at Onew’s face in the picture.

Knowing there was more; Kibum fished into the envelope again and retrieved a letter that was about the size of the photo in his hands. It was covered in Onew’s handwriting, a sight that was not strange to Kibum who was used to studying with the older boy and had seen enough of his messy print which had a characteristic slant to them.

He ran his fingers over each line, taking in the feeling of how the paper depressed with each letter written, his heart feeling a yearning so strong that it even hurt for a second. The lines of words sat there like a pretty cake ready to be eaten; Kibum dug in eagerly.

Dear Key :D

I’m taking a huge risk by posting so late but I really hope, with my superb math calculation, that I managed to catch you before you leave for home, or else this letter is going to be sitting in the dorm’s office for a whole month before it gets to you! ㅠㅠ  I know I haven’t sent you anything for the past 2 weeks and that’s because I decided to get this picture printed and airmailed to you instead of sent through the net. That’s the St. Basil’s Cathedral I’m standing in front of; a famous landmark of Moscow. It’s beautiful, right? Do you like it? ^^

Moscow is a lovely place in summer, it isn’t too hot and I’m glad I don’t have to face the harsh freezing cold of the country! There are lots of great places to go to, or so our Russian friends here have shared with us. We haven’t had the chance to roam the place too much since we’ve been so tied up at the research institute, but all I have seen of Moscow so far is beauty. I think it’s a place you’ll really like! :) 

How have the past 2 weeks been, Key-ah? The short messages we receive from each other every day hardly tells us much, doesn’t it? ㅠㅠ I hope all’s been fine for you, of course! This photo shall be for your keepsake, I’ll send you more through the net when I have the chance to get out of the lab!

Enjoy your return home, Kibummie~ I’ll be seeing you soon :D

Love,
Onew ^^ 

There’s still 4 more weeks to go, Onew-yah. That’s not soon at all…  Kibum shook his head, smiling at the older boy’s silliness. This was certainly a pleasant surprise for him. He pressed the letter to his face and closed his eyes, inhaling in the familiar scent of Onew and feeling a kind of peace blooming within him that had been missing for the 2 weeks that Onew hadn’t been around.

Putting the letter and photo carefully back into the envelope, Kibum placed it safely between the pages of a novel he was carrying in his backpack and hugged it to his chest.

Kibummie. I like the sound of that. He was still smiling.

***

Wish you were here
But you’re there
And there doesn’t know how lucky
It is.

Kibum read and reread the few lines he wrote down in his long-neglected diary that was sitting in the drawer of his old bedroom. He was rummaging around his own things, picking up forgotten items and playing with the random things he found when he came across the diary again.

He had the habit of keeping a diary since he was a child. The entries used to be of the variety of “Today is Tuesday. It is a sunny day. Umma bought me candy. I am happy today :)” and he would write in it every single day without fail. As he grew older, however, the frequency of the entries decreased. It became only a place for him to seek solace in whenever something big happened.

Flipping through the book in his hands, he saw that the last entry, dated February 6 this year, was about Jonghyun.

I am feeling quite terrible tonight. I have been feeling quite terrible the whole of today. I don’t know what more do I have to do for it to be enough. What more do I have to do until I will be okay? 

A part of me is ready to move on. It recognises that I have not lost anything, and I should move on to greater things in my life. A part of me refuses to. It dwells in those hateful memories that keep pulling me back. I am so frustrated, and I am truly sick of being affected anymore.

It didn’t start out as a bad day. Onew brought me out for a nice breakfast before sending me to the train station despite being down with a bad cold (my fault) and there was a girl who was smiling at me the whole time on the ride back here. She even asked for my number afterwards. Too bad I’m not interested in girls, but that’s not the point. 

It just makes me wonder why of all the people in the world who could see something good in me, you didn’t and yet chose to let me go. I tried my hardest to make it stay and last, but in the end it still fell apart. I also wish that I could just turn my back on all these broken pieces and walk away. But somehow, I am stuck here and every time I take a few steps forward, I also move backward. 

Pain. Tonight I feel so much pain, but I am thankful that I always have someone to fall back on. I need to live my own life, love my own life, and be convinced that I am better off without you. I am almost on my knees. Please just set me free.

I want to be free. 

For some reason, reading back on that now made Kibum chuckle, remembering how he honestly thought it was the end of the world then. 5 months later, now, Kibum was glad that he had at least moved on from all that emotional turmoil. He doesn’t know when or how he did it. But as time went by, he’d tucked the last remaining photo of Jonghyun away into his photo album, to be written off as just another memory of him and a friend. He changed the name in his phone from Jjongie! back to Jonghyun. He no longer woke up thinking of him, no longer cried for him or wished he would come back.

Trying to let go of Jonghyun hasn’t been easy at all, but through all the hard times there was another pair of hands holding him up, giving him comfort and making things better. My wonderwall. Thanks to you, Onew-yah, I am finally free.

Tonight, his comfort was so far away, in another time zone altogether. Tonight these feelings gnawing at him are a whole lot different from what he experienced that night, 5 months ago. It was a different kind of longing. Kibum knew he would miss him, he just didn’t know it would be this bad. He was still struggling to figure out his heart.

His eyes skipped over to the small glass bottle that was sitting on his desk. It was filled with paper stars that he’d folded himself over the last 3 weeks at home. There was no occasion, or any real reason why he did that, other than he wanted to give it to Onew when he finally came back.

What is he doing right now? Is he doing well? Is he staying up late again? Is he able to get used to the food there? It was just part of the thousands of questions that Kibum asked himself almost every day while thinking about Onew.

A knock came at his room door and he spun around on his chair, surprised. It was nearly 3am and he thought his entire family had gone to sleep long ago.

 “Umma. Why are you awake? It’s late now and you have to work in the morning.” Kibum said when he saw that it was his mother, dressed in her night gown, who just peered into the room.

“So you know it’s late too huh, Kibum-ah? I came down to get a drink of water and saw the lights in your room still on, so I came to check on you. Are you alright? Why are you not asleep?” His mother didn’t look sleepy at all, and she slowly opened the door until it was wide enough for her body to slip through.

“I- I can’t sleep, umma.” Kibum said, as his mother walked over to sit on his bed. She looked at him, then at the open diary on his desk.

Kibum doesn’t hide it away. There was nothing he hid from his mother, and he reckons she knows everything anyway, from the meaningless entries he used to write, to his latest heartbreak.

“Are you thinking about that Onew boy?” His mother looked at him again; her words came out soft and measured.

“Wh- How... How did you know?” Kibum’s eyes widened in shock, wondering if his mother was actually a secret mind-reader.

“Silly boy. You don’t even realize that since you got back, whenever I asked you about school, all you’ve been talking about was Onew this, Onew that. And I saw the letter and photo you left on your desk. Such a good-looking young man, isn’t he?” His mother looked unabashed that she’d been snooping around his things, but Kibum wasn’t one to mind that. In fact, he was glad that he had someone to confide in about this whole issue.

Onew had always been the one he would go to if he needed a second opinion. But of course, now that the issue was about him, Kibum couldn’t look to him for help and he’d been feeling so lost all on his own.

“Umma!” Kibum said, shooting his mother a look half of incredulity and half laughing. Well, she was right about that, at least. Onew is good-looking.

“Things are complicated, umma. I don’t know anything.” He continued, furrowing his brows and feeling confused beyond anything else.

His mother walked over and cupped his face in her hands, “If you miss him, just give him a call. I’m sure he’d be delighted to hear from you as well.”

“Just follow your heart, my boy. It already knows what it longs for.” His mother smiled at him, ruffled his hair and left the room.

Her answer was so simple, and so natural that Kibum wondered why he hadn’t done it yet while at the same time, knowing it's because he was too afraid to admit that he longed for Onew to be near. Even though that wasn’t exactly an answer to his problem, but it was what he’d wanted someone, anyone, to tell him outright to do.

***

Jinki and his course mates sat in the boarding area, waiting for the green light from the airport authorities to board the plane. They were finally heading back to Korea after 5 weeks.

The last few weeks had passed by in a blur as he zipped in and out of the labs and seminar rooms of the research facility, attending lectures and doing up his senior thesis, getting just enough sleep every night in the comfortable hotel room. They were allowed to roam the city every night after the work for the day was done, but there was never enough time for a proper look-around on those days.

Jinki liked the weekends the best, of course. On Saturdays, classes ended by noon and they had all of Sunday free. He would go around the city with his friends, and sometimes even the professors, to absorb the sights, sounds and tastes of the beautiful city. He took a few pictures so that he could send them to Key, and as he walked around in his free time, his eyes were always looking out for something that Key might like.  

Being so far apart from Key for such a long time might have been too hard to take, but Jinki secretly felt thankful that their schedules in the past weeks had been tightly packed. In the days, he has various matters to attend to, deadlines to meet such that he doesn’t really have the time to miss the absence of the other boy. It was only when night fell and Jinki lay awake on the hotel room bed, staring at his phone’s wallpaper long after his roommate had fallen asleep, that he felt a dull longing in his heart.

The only times of the day that he look forward to would be when he wakes up in the morning and when Key goes to bed. That was when he would receive the too-short text that made him feel like maybe Key wasn’t that far away from him.

He thought perhaps this trip could help him take his mind off of his emotions for Key and focus on what was important. Yet, it worked the opposite for him. Being apart for so long only made his heart grow fonder, and he willed for the days to pass faster.

He’s had better rest last night than for the few weeks he had spent here.

Key called last night, just as Jinki was preparing to go to bed. 

It was 10pm in Moscow. They just got back from the farewell dinner thrown by the Russian partner school, and Jinki decided to have an early night so he wouldn’t be exhausted for the flight the next morning. He lay on his side, phone open in his hands as he looked at his wallpaper like he does almost every night after sending Key his good morning message and before he fell asleep. 

Just as he felt his eyelids grow heavier; his phone vibrated continuously, the screen showing that there was an incoming call. 

Incoming call…
Key 

Jinki jolted awake, partially from the vibration, and the other part due to the name of the caller. 

Key? But it’s like 3am in Korea! Jinki was shocked, but quickly pressed the green button and held the receiver to his ear.

“Key? Is that you?” Jinki spoke anxiously, wondering if the call might be accidental after all. Maybe Key rolled onto his phone while he was asleep and it called Jinki somehow. 

“Yes, Onew-yah, it’s me! Who did you think it was?” Instead of hearing the sound of breathing, or gentle snoring like he was expecting, Key’s voice and soft chuckle flooded his eardrum instead, albeit sounding a little far off and fuzzy.

Jinki felt the knot in his chest loosen up, his lips involuntarily parting into a wide smile. That familiar voice had such a soothing effect on him; he can’t say how much he missed hearing it.

“N-no. Just that… Isn’t it a really crazy time in Korea right now? I thought maybe you rolled onto your phone in your sleep and it called me accidentally.” Jinki admitted sheepishly. 

There was laughter from the other end of the line. A laughter so crisp it sounded like bells ringing but it was so uniquely Key at the same time. It tugged at the corners of Jinki's heart; he missed that laughter too. 

“Onew, you silly, I keep my phone on the desk when I sleep. Something like that wouldn’t happen.” There was more chuckling.

“How was I supposed to know that… What are you doing still up, then? Is something wrong?” Jinki pouted slightly before asking Key in a concerned tone. Key sounded kind of nervous, and he thought it might be some kind of emergency for Key to have to call him at 3am.

“No, nothing’s wrong. Erm…” 

There was a brief moment of silence. Jinki didn’t speak since Key had not finished his sentence. As things always were between them, Jinki never rushed Key to speak what was on his mind. Yet, as the silence dragged on for a few seconds longer, Jinki opened his mouth, wanting to ask Key again if there’s something bothering him. 

Before he could do that though, Key beat him to it. 

“You’re coming back tomorrow aren’t you?” 

“Ne, finally. I’ll touchdown in Incheon probably around 7pm. My parents will pick me up there and we’ll go for a nice dinner before heading back home. I miss Korean food sooooooo much…” 

They chatted for awhile more. Jinki forgot about his sleepiness, his flight at 6 in the morning or even the expensive phone bill he was sure to receive at the end of the month. He felt more alive than he had for the past few weeks and he was more than happy to let that feeling last for a few minutes more.

Jinki wished that they could talk some more, but it was such a late hour to still be awake in Korea and he knew the boy was badly in need of some rest. 

“Key-ah, go to sleep now, okay? It’s a really crazy time, you need to rest. I’ll text you again when I get back alright?” 

“Onew.”

“Hmm?”

“I miss you.” Key’s answer was so soft, Jinki thought he could have imagined it.

His heart skipped a beat and his brain worked fast. Did he really just say that? Did he mean it in that way? Does he miss me like I miss him?

“Hello? Onew, are you still there?” Key sounded worried now, and it snapped Jinki out from the questions that clouded his mind. 

“Ah, y-yes, I am.” 

“Alright, I’ll be getting to bed now. Have a smooth flight back, Onew-yah. Text me.” 

“I- I miss you too, Key.” 

Key chuckled again.

“Goodnight, Onew.” 

 Jinki snuggled into his sheets and fell asleep with a silly smile on his face and a warm feeling in his heart. 

Jinki spun his phone around and around between two fingers. He caught it in his palm, flipped it open and shut it again. He does this a few times, then eventually leaves it open, smiling to himself as he stared at their picture yet again.

“Who’s that, Jinki-yah?” The girl who was sitting beside him leaned over to stare at the screen, curious at what was making him smile like that.

Jinki jumped from the shock because he was so absorbed in their smiles in the picture that he didn’t notice somebody else was looking until she spoke.

“Woah Taeyeon, you scared me. He’s my best friend, Kim Kibum.”

“Mianhae, it’s just that you were staring at that picture for the longest time and smiling to yourself like somebody deeply in love…”

Jinki froze. Was he being that obvious?

His action did not go unnoticed, since Taeyeon went “Are you?” with raised eyebrows and a slight smirk on her pretty face.

Jinki flipped his phone shut, not answering.

“You are. Aren’t you?” Taeyeon probed some more.

Jinki quickly weighed up the pros and cons of sharing this secret with her. She’s a nice girl and he reckoned she was trustworthy as well, so he might as well let her in on it. Jinki didn’t think she would judge him. Who knew, she might have some advice for him which he so needed at this time.

“Y-yes. I… I love him. I really do. But he doesn’t know…” It was hard for Jinki to say it. Hearing it out loud made everything so real, so confirmed somehow. It hurt a lot more to have to say that than when it was in his head. Having Key being so exceptionally nice to him was one thing, but the truth remained that they were nothing more than best friends.

“Why doesn’t he? You don’t want him to know?”

“Ani. Of course I want him to know but I don’t know anything right now, really. He broke up with his ex-boyfriend awhile ago and he always comes crying to me about him but lately he’s been more… Proactive in expressing his feelings for our friendship, which he’d never did before. He even called me last night!” Jinki broke into a smile again, remembering the conversation.

“I don’t even know… Just… Urgh I don’t know anything right now.” Jinki gave a resigned sigh and leaned back in his seat, head drooping.

“Confused now, are we. Well, from what you said it sounds like you’re a very important person to him, important enough to call from all the way back in Korea. Anyway, I always believe that chance and hope exists as long as he doesn’t hate you. And he definitely doesn’t, right?” Taeyeon sounded confident.

“Y-you really think?” Jinki lifted his head again, hope clearly written all over his face.

“Jinki-yah! Don’t you know girls have instincts that have been proven to be dead-on? I say if you really love him then be a man and go for it!” Her eyes twinkled merrily as she smiled.

There was an announcement that boarding commences.

“Jinki, FIGHTING!” She patted his back as they picked up their bags and joined the queue to board the plane.

I don’t know if what any of them have said is true, Key-ah. Is your behavior lately telling me something? When I can finally get over this fear that I could lose you… Maybe, just maybe, I can make you mine. Maybe we can work it out. Maybe we’ll be good together. If there is hope yet, I will stay by your side. 

No. Even if there is no hope, I will still be with you. I am coming back for you right now, Key.

Wait for me.