“Onew-yah~ I brought food!”

Jinki looked up from his laptop at the sound of the front door opening and saw his boyfriend coming into the apartment with some plastic carriers in one hand.

“Baby I’m so tired… My head hurts.” He took off his glasses and pouted cutely at Key, trying to gain his attention despite the uncomfortable pounding in his head.

Key just smiled, walking over to the coffee table where Jinki had been doing his work, and set the carriers down before moving on to the couch which the older boy had his back against. Jinki was just wondering what Key was going to do when he felt slim fingers massaging his temples slowly in a circular motion, immediately relieving some of the pain in his head.

“Baby…” Key cooed gently, and Jinki felt the younger’s lips press against his left temple before the massaging continued. “You need to relax.”

“Hmm.” Jinki’s eyes fluttered close as he leaned his head back onto the younger boy’s body, suppressing any other sounds he might make from the comfortable pressure that Key’s fingers are applying to his aching head. When the massaging stopped, he opened his eyes to find himself looking right up at his boyfriend’s beautiful face. 

“Better now?” Key brought his face closer, circling his arms around Jinki’s neck.

“No, you have to kiss me to make it stop hurting.” Jinki smiled, bringing a finger up and tapped at his lips suggestively.

Key smiled a bit shyly, but still leaned down closer…

Before their lips could touch, Key disappeared into thin air and Jinki became conscious to the world once again. He woke up feeling rather disoriented and unwell. His mouth was impossibly dry, throat parched, and his lips felt as if it would crack if he so much as stretched it a little.

He felt so sick, even more so when he realised that there was no Key anywhere in his cold and seemingly empty bedroom. Everything was gone before he could even try to hold on to Key’s touch and the much-needed comfort he brought. 

The moment his fuzzy brain registered the too-bright sunlight that was streaming in through the window, however, Jinki knew he was in deep .

His alarm for six-thirty didn’t go off, or maybe he had snoozed it one too many times that it had deactivated altogether, Jinki really couldn’t remember. What matters is that he had slept past his alarm for a whole hour and now he had approximately fifteen minutes or less to get ready and out of the house or he would be late for work.

Struggling to spring out of bed, Jinki let out a groan and rolled his way off the mattress instead.  He desperately wanted and needed to hurry, but he felt so lethargic there was really no strength left in him to speed things up.

Of all days… Why did I have to oversleep today aish… Jinki thought as he stumbled out of the room, thinking about the important meeting he had in the day and how he really could not afford to be late. But of all things that were not going right, he thanked himself for at least having the good foresight to have rented a place that wasn’t horribly out of the way from the company, and his father for giving him a decent second-hand car for his birthday so travelling was less of a hassle.

Having no time for a proper breakfast, Jinki stuffed a piece of bread into his mouth as he scrambled into his jacket and shoes, praying that the traffic will not be against him today. Key was going to flip if he found out that Jinki had skipped a meal again, so he promised himself that he would eat properly for the rest of the meals of the day.

Key.

The scenes of that dream came back and he sighed. Yet another hectic and tiring day begins.

Jinki missed him.

Case after case, presentation after presentation; Jinki hardly ever has any time to relieve the tension he gets from having to complete one task before the next is dropped on his shoulders. As time went by, he began to feel like he had gotten the short end of the stick. The job was putting a strain on his relationship with Key, given his frequent cancellation of their dates and generally just not having enough time for his boyfriend. But Jinki had so much to prove of himself, to show that he wasn’t there merely because he had been given an offer that others didn’t have, and that he was in fact capable.

He knew that some sacrifices would have to be made, and he could only pray for Key to understand and stay with him.

 

***

 

“Kibum-ssi? Kibum?”

“A-ah, ye?” Sooyoung, the council president’s voice summoned Kibum back into the council room, where the main committee members were in the middle of discussion for an upcoming school event.

“Amber said that your sub-committee is ready for presentation?”

Kibum looked to the side of the room where Amber was seated, and sure enough, she was looking right back at him with an expectant face.

“The layout proposal for the carnival, Kibum-oppa?” She asked, and something clicked in his head.

“Oh! Yes, that. Please give me a moment.” Kibum answered hastily and reached for his backpack.

The next few embarrassing minutes were spent with him rifling through his file while the rest of the councilors looked on, searching for that set of papers he has painstakingly drafted with Amber, his assistant-head of committee, and the rest of the members, but which could not be found anywhere.

!

Suddenly, Kibum remembered taking it out the night before for a final run-through. He’d probably left it sitting on his desk back in his dorm room.

“Uhm…I’m really sorry, I think I… I forgot to bring it with me today.” Kibum muttered quietly, not quite daring to meet the eyes of anyone in the room, especially not Sooyoung’s. Kibum had always been thorough and meticulous when it came to council matters, and it was just not like him to screw up in this way. There was really too much on his mind lately.

His eyes darted towards Amber and he thought he caught her frowning and looking away, annoyed. She was obviously upset with him, after all the effort they’d put in to get the proposal done up on time as they both knew how Sooyoung really disapproved of tardy work from her councilors.

“Alright, that’s fine. We can finalise the layout next meeting. Now for Yoona’s sub-committee, please present the event schedule for the day.” The president said as she scribbled a few lines on the notebook in front of her, earning a few raised brows and silent gasps around the room. Everyone knew Sooyoung’s way of doing things and didn’t understand why Kibum was let off the hook so easily, but they knew better than to question her unusual action.

The rest of the meeting passed without any events as Kibum tried his best not to zone out again. When the councilors were finally dismissed, he packed up quickly and left, once again avoiding everyone’s eyes, making a mental note to text Amber his apologies later on.

“Hey, Kibum!” A familiar voice called out to him just as he began on his way back to the dorm. Turning around, Kibum saw Jonghyun coming out of the council room, jogging towards him with a smile on his face.

“Hey.” As if on reflex, he rearranged his features into a smile mirroring the older boy’s.

“Heading back to the dorm?” Jonghyun slowed down when he reached Kibum’s side and began to walk with him when the younger nodded yes.

“Kibum-ah,” Jonghyun started but paused, like he was thinking of how to phrase what he wanted to say, and that made Kibum look at him questioningly.

“Are you okay?” The older boy asked in a concerned tone while regarding him earnestly.

Kibum felt a growing wave of sadness at the question, but he blinked and looked away, careful to not let it show on his face. He didn’t want to have anyone worried, he was sure this is just going to be a particularly tough but a passing phase and he will be fine on his own. That is the way things have been for the last one month or so, anyway. All on his own.

The distance between Onew and him has grown. Is still growing. And he is so tired of trying to be understanding, pretending like his emotional needs didn’t matter, and almost never having his boyfriend around. He had been feeling so fragile, as if a little nudge from the unknowing people around him would break him to pieces. So, how was he supposed to answer Jonghyun’s question, really?

“Yeah, of course I am! Why do you ask?” He said after a brief pause, faking a look of amusement, like it was a ridiculous idea that Jonghyun was even asking him something like that.

The older boy rubbed the nape of his neck a bit awkwardly and said, “No, it’s just that you seemed rather distracted lately. And back there… Sooyoung wanted to talk to you, you know, about that proposal….”

God, he had been so caught up in his own issues he had forgotten Jonghyun had been in the same room as well, witnessing his grand screw-up. And Minho, too. And everyone else. So, Jonghyun had been sent to find out what exactly was the reason he had failed to deliver his usual standard of work.

As Jonghyun’s words trailed off, Kibum felt a sense of dread within. So Sooyoung had spared him from her usual speech about responsibility from a senior councilor earlier on not because she was in a particularly good mood to overlook his mistake, but probably because she didn’t want to embarrass him in front of his fellow peers and a few juniors. Kibum wasn’t sure her thoughtfulness made him feel any better though, it still meant that she’d noted the mistake on his part. As if he didn’t already have enough to deal with.

“I know, I just have a lot on my mind right now… I’ll be fine though, so don’t worry okay? Don’t you have to meet Minho or something?” Kibum attempted a reassuring smile at his friend, covering up his mild annoyance and tried to change the subject. His response seemed to satisfy Jonghyun as the older boy dropped the worried demeanour and switched back to his jolly self.

“Nope, he went off for soccer practice. How’s Jinki-hyung, by the way? Still going strong, aren’t you guys?” Jonghyun started to joke, unintentionally prodding at Kibum’s sorest spot. Even though he definitely hadn’t meant it that way, at that moment what he’d said just felt like immense mockery to Kibum. Mocking his relationship with Onew, as if suggesting that their love wasn’t strong enough to withstand the differences in their lives now. Then again, was it?

“I don’t know. He’s been busy. I’m going to his place now.” He mumbled as he looked down, taking a few quick steps forward, hoping that Jonghyun would take the hint and just fall away quietly and leave him be.

Instead, a hand wrapped around his forearm and stopped him in his tracks.

“Hey.” Jonghyun’s tone softened significantly, picking up on Kibum’s moodiness at the mention of his boyfriend. He opened his mouth to say something, but then shut it again like he thought better of it.

“D’you need a lift?”

Kibum regarded the boy who was slightly shorter than him, his large round eyes seemed to be pleading with him to open up about what was wrong because he didn’t want to have to probe. But it was something no one could help him with, it was between him and Onew and they had to deal with it themselves.

“No, it’s fine Jjong. I have a few things to get on the way. Dinner, and other stuff. You know he doesn’t know how to take care of himself…” Kibum smiled weakly and said.

“I could drive you around; it isn’t too much trouble, if that’s what you’re worried about–”

“Jjong, I just want to walk and think about stuff, yeah?” Kibum gently cut Jonghyun off and said. It was true too. Onew’s place was a little far to go on foot, but he could manage. He could use the time to think about things between them, how to go from here. The fresh air will probably do him some good too. He needed to find the strength to keep going.

“Hey, hey Kibum. If there’s something wrong you got to let us know okay? I know things are not easy with Jinki-hyung right now, but don’t bottle it up and keep it all to yourself. We’re here for you, both Minho and I, and we just want to make sure you’re okay, arasso?” Jonghyun said, the worry resurfacing on his face.

“I know. Thanks Jjongie, really. It’s just that he’s been really busy these days and we can’t spend time together. Don’t worry anymore okay? I promise I’m alright.” Kibum gave him a quick hug, murmuring assurances before the older boy finally left him.

He was amazed by how he could sound so nonchalant saying it, like it wasn’t a big deal, when really it was killing him slowly inside. Maybe to some, being unable to spend time with your lover wasn’t really anything worth fussing over. After all, he knew there were some people who didn’t act like a couple at all, going days or weeks without even talking to each other.

Onew was a working adult after all; the jump from schooling to working is huge and the start is always the hardest. Kibum knew that Onew was struggling hard to make it too. But it was more than just not being able to see each other. It was Onew’s gradual change in attitude, the number of times he starts to forget the things he said he would do, times he just wasn’t there and Kibum feels himself slowly slipping down Onew’s list of priorities.

He had been surviving on the belief that things are going to get better once Onew’s career takes off, and the occasional apologies and assurances from Onew were enough for him to go on for a while more. But the comfort he derives from these was quickly diminishing and he knows that one day it is going to run out completely, and then he was going to be left with nothing.

Kibum understood that there has to be a give and take, that he can’t have it all. But somewhere along the way, he came to a realization that he kept giving and giving, and there was absolutely nothing to take. The point is that a relationship is not supposed to be like this. Love is not supposed to be like this.

All he really wanted was for Onew to show that he still cares about them.

 

The sky was an ominous shade of red with thunder rolling every now and then in the distance when Kibum exited the takeout place with their dinner. He pulled out his phone again to check if Onew had replied to his message asking if he was home yet, and that he was coming over with dinner, but his phone’s screen showed no new notifications. Trying to ignore the sinking feeling in his heart, he was going to keep moving when he felt it again, a strange feeling that he was being watched.

Somebody seemed to be following and watching him, and this has been going on for some time now. But every time he stopped to look behind him, he wouldn’t find anything suspicious.

Just to make sure, Kibum walked a few steps back to look in the alley beside the takeout place. It was too dark for him to make out much but there didn’t look like there was anybody around. Shaking his head, Kibum thought he must really be too stressed up lately that he was imagining things and he hastily continued on his way to beat the rain.

He was still some distance away from Onew’s apartment building when the first, fat drops of rain began to fall. Kibum disliked that cold, wet feeling of raindrops hitting his bare skin, and he quickened his pace to get into shelter. By the time he reached the lobby, though not drenched, he was already uncomfortably wet.

“Key, baby?” Kibum was in the middle of putting the groceries he’d bought into the fridge when he heard the front door open, followed by Onew’s voice.

“Onew-yah!” He quickly shut the door of the fridge and stood up, greeting his boyfriend with a wide smile.

 “Omo, why are you all wet? You got caught in the rain on the way here?” The older boy dropped his briefcase by the door after kicking off his shoes and went into his room. He re-emerged with a towel in his hand and walked up to Kibum, throwing it over his head as he dried the younger’s damp hair.

“You should dry yourself off first, Key-ah. You’ll fall sick like this…” Kibum heard Onew mumbling softly while feeling his fingers massage his scalp and tugging gently at his hair. He shut his eyes and relaxed into Onew’s chest, hugging him close and relishing in their proximity, his warmth, drinking in the smell of the older man’s cologne that was mixed with the rain. Suddenly everything felt alright again, like nothing has changed. It felt like those countless of nights in the past where they would sleep in the same bed in the dorm and be in each other’s arms like this.

Onew pulled the towel off Kibum’s head, running his fingers through the younger boy’s hair to smooth it down again.

“You didn’t reply my message…” Kibum said and pouted when he opened his eyes to find Onew looking at him tenderly, his arms also securely wound around him now.

“I saw, but I was driving. Sorry baby, I’m here now.” Onew smiled lovingly at him and pecked the tip of his nose.

“I missed you so much, baby. So, so much…” Kibum breathed the words out a bit weakly, thinking how just a while ago he had been feeling so lost about their relationship.

“I know. I’m sorry I’ve been so busy. I missed you too…” Onew smiled apologetically before leaning in to kiss him. When their lips met in a gentle kiss, Kibum involuntarily tightened his hold around his boyfriend’s middle. He willed for time to stay still like this, because right now, life is perfect.

A sudden shrill ring broke the comfortable silence in the house and the couple’s kiss. A bit reluctantly, Kibum let go of his boyfriend and watched him reach into his pocket for his phone, a look of irritation flashing across his face when he saw who the caller was.

“Ye, gwajang-nim. Is there something I can do for you?” Onew spoke respectfully into the phone, voice rid of any unhappiness that was otherwise evident on his face. Kibum turned back to the groceries when he saw a frown appear on Onew’s face as the conversation proceeded, feeling slightly like he was intruding on something that he shouldn’t.

“Tomorrow?! …Ye, ye, I got it. Thank you, gwajang-nim. Have a good rest tonight.” He heard Onew’s initial surprised tone that was tinged with incredulity switch to its previous calmness as he spoke.

Kibum turned around to face his boyfriend again when he hung up, noticing how it seemed as if a dark cloud had passed over his face after the phone call.

“Everything okay?” He asked tentatively, as Onew pulled his tie off roughly and sank into one of the stools at the kitchen counter.

“I have to leave for Japan tomorrow evening.” The older boy exhaled a frustrated sigh and said. “I can’t believe this .”

Onew had mentioned that he needed to go over to the company’s branch in Japan to meet with their counterparts, as well as present whatever upcoming project they have to prospective sponsors. It was important, to say the least, and Onew had been thrilled that he was chosen, given that he was still so new in the team. He wasn’t initially scheduled to leave for another two days, though.

“T-tomorrow, so soon?” The words fell from Kibum’s lips without him quite meaning to. It wasn’t like he was complaining or being difficult at all. It was just a remark that came entirely out of surprise.

“I know, I know okay, Key?” Onew said exasperatedly. He stood up again taking off his jacket harshly and walked back into his room.

Kibum stood, rooted to the spot as coldness crept upon him.

What the just happened?

 

There was a tense air hanging over the couple as they ate in silence, the only noises coming from the thunderstorm that was already full-out pouring outside.

Kibum didn’t really know what to say, afraid of unintentionally angering Onew again. As he kept his head lowered and continued to eat, he wanted to cry. When had they become like this? When did the impatient replies and uncomfortable silences come into play in their relationship? Since when did he have to choose his words so carefully around his own boyfriend, like he was threading on thin ice? It didn’t make sense. Nothing made sense anymore.

This was starting to feel like the weariness that was always present in the final stages of his relationship with Jonghyun, and Kibum honestly didn’t know what to think.

“I’ll be missing our day.” Onew said, nearly matter-of-factly, not looking up from his food. His voice sounded cold and distant, and Kibum felt his heart wrench painfully.

It would be their special day in two days, and they had initially planned to have a simple meal together before the older boy went away on his business trip for five days. That won’t be happening now that Onew had to leave tomorrow instead.

“I know.” He answered as stoically as he could. How could he not know? It was the first thing that came to his mind when Onew said he had to leave so soon. “I’m used to it anyway.” Kibum muttered the last part to himself, feeling a bit resentful despite everything.

That, however, did not go unheard. Onew lowered his fork and finally looked up at Kibum, his eyes were dark and it would have been a little intimidating if not for the fact that Kibum wasn’t feeling good himself either.

“What?” Onew said, clearly not too pleased with what he’d just heard.

The younger boy bit back the rising lump in his throat and the souring in this nose. He did not want to start a fight, not when Onew was going to leave him for a whole week. It was only going to make things harder, and if things between them got any worse, it might as well be over.

“You know I didn’t choose this, Key. You heard the call come in and you know I wasn’t happy about it either. How can you get mad at me for something that I have no control over?” There was a definite edge in Onew’s voice as it raised a notch higher.

Mad? Who was the one getting mad now?

“I’m not mad at you. I am only just stating a fact that I have been on my own maybe a little too much to my liking lately, okay? I don’t want to start a fight with you, Onew. You have to stop being unreasonable.” Kibum fought to keep his voice calm, willing his hurt to go back down. But he felt hot and cold all over, his heart thumping hard and fast, and his hands were beginning to shake from the rush of emotions within him, trying hard to keep them at bay.

“Unreasonable? I’m being unreasonable now? Don’t you think that I am getting a little stretched over here? I try okay, Key? I’m trying! And just because I can’t make one date doesn’t mean you can pin all this on me!” Onew threw his fork down on the table, startling Kibum a little and he felt the tears rise up behind his lids again.

But he wasn’t going to cry now. He wasn’t going to break apart like the weakling he always was when he met with adversities, always running back into Onew’s arms looking for his comfort and soothing words. He has got to learn to stand on his own two feet now; he has to try to put his point across to make this work.

“It isn’t even about the stupid date, Onew! Why don’t you get it? It’s about us, this! These temperaments and all the yelling! You’re making me feel stressed just to be around you when it shouldn’t be like this at all! Things between us are changing, can’t you see? You never seem to have time for me anymore–”

“SO I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF TIME!” Onew yelled suddenly, cutting Kibum off mid-sentence, scaring the younger boy into silence.

“Do you quite realize how hard I work? I’m here slogging my ing off every day just so I could prove myself and my capabilities to the sickening people in this sickeningly judgmental company and for what?! It’s all for the both of us! Why can’t you be a little more understanding?!” Onew stood up abruptly, causing the chair to scrape noisily against the floor.

The words he spoke struck Kibum’s heart like the lightning outside. He stood up himself and said in a quiet, almost pleading voice.

“I’m not being understanding? All the times when you cancel on our dates, and when you don’t turn up for my recital even when you’ve promised to and everything else on top of that. I let it all go without so much as making a bit of noise all because I know that you’re busy and stressed up, and you can’t spend too much of your time with me. I try to make things better for you in any little way I can, visiting you, buying you food and making sure you’re properly stocked up because you’re probably too busy to do it yourself. Is that still not being understanding?”

“I know that you’re having a difficult time, but don’t you think it is difficult for me too, not having you by my side? Are you forgetting about my feelings just because I chose not to voice it out? All I need is for you to show me that you care about me, and about where this relationship is going. But here I am, telling you that I don’t want to fight and you go on and yell at me anyway. I am supposed to be someone you love, right? So why are you doing this to me? How much more do you need me to give to you, Onew, huh? Because I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

Onew stood, unmoving, as though frozen by Kibum’s words. After a few seconds passed and Onew still hasn’t said anything or even moved at all, Kibum went to pick up his bag from the couch.

“Maybe we should just take a break from each other.” He said before he opened the door and left the house.

When he exited the building and into the pouring rain, Kibum began to walk ahead aimlessly, not even caring where he was headed or that he was getting soaked to the skin. He just needed to put distance between himself and his shattered heart that was still up there on Onew’s living room floor. He had just suggested to his boyfriend that they take a break, and Onew didn’t try to pull him back when he opened the door. He didn’t say no.

Kibum halted in his steps suddenly, turning his face to the sky, letting the fat drops of rain drench him further. He wasn’t sure if it was the incessant drops hitting so heavily on him that made his skin hurt, made every part of him hurt, or it was just the remnants of his damaged heart that was seeping through all the cracks and pores of him, bleeding and screaming its agony. Kibum forced himself to take deep breaths before exhaling, but he choked on the rain that got into his mouth and finally he let the bubbling heartache, his frustrations, and all the hurt spill over as he doubled over, crying.

“Ottoke…. Na ottoke…”  Kibum clutched his bag to himself as if it was a lifebuoy and he bawled helplessly. He even let out tortured shouts between his strangled cries, too tired to care anymore about holding it in, falling apart in every way.

 

***

 

Jinki stood there in the middle of the living room, minutes after the door closed, absolutely frozen to the spot, as he heard Key’s words repeat again and again in his head.

“…all I need is for you to show me you care about me…”

“…how much more do you need me to give to you…”

“…I don’t think I can do this anymore…”

His head was getting heavy and the room was starting to spin. His heart hurt.

“Maybe we should just take a break from each other.”

“No!” Jinki snapped out of the haunting thoughts and bolted out of the door. He had no idea where he was going, but he just ran where his legs would take him.

“Key!” From afar, Jinki could see a familiar figure hunched over, shoulders shaking. Key stood up again upon hearing his call and began to run away, only it looked more like he was stumbling ahead. The rain was annoying Jinki, blurring his vision and it was letting Key get further away from him by the second. Yet, he only ran faster, his lungs already burning from his lack of exercise and the weight of the wet clothes on him.

When he caught up with Key, he wordlessly embraced him from behind, closing his arms around the shoulders of the younger boy tightly. The rain continued to fall relentlessly, but the both of them already no longer have any dry spots on their bodies. He could feel Key trying to struggle out of his grasp, he was squirming and letting out choked sobs and whimpers, and it broke Jinki’s heart to no end. But he kept his arms firmly locked, refusing to allow Key to get away from him again.

“Don’t run away from me, Key. Please don’t go. Don’t leave me. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything, for yelling at you and being a jerk that never thinks for you. I love you, I love you so much. Please don’t go, please. I’m sorry.” Jinki hugged Key tighter; pressing his chest to Key’s back and said everything he should have from the start. How he was sorry for so much, how much he really did love him, and how he just couldn’t not have him.

Key gradually stopped struggling with every sentence said and fell weak back into Jinki’s chest, his shoulders starting to heave again with his crying. Jinki slowly turned him around, and was stricken to find Key’s horribly swollen and bloodshot eyes. He let Key rest his forehead on his shoulder and he felt the younger boy’s arms around him, holding on to him for dear life.

“Ottoke… I am so tired, my heart is so tired. It hurts every time I think about us and it makes me scared because you’re all I have ever known. You’re supposed to be my safe harbor, Onew, but look at us now.” Key’s muffled words came between his sobs and Jinki pressed his lips to Key’s neck in another unsaid apology. His own tears were flowing down his cheeks, unnoticeable as it mixed with the rain. Jinki pursed his lips together, not allowing himself to show that he was crying, because he didn’t deserve to. Other than holding Key, he didn’t know what else he could do or say to take back the damage done.

 

What have I done… Jinki lay awake in bed that night with Key already sound asleep in his arms, snuggling close to his side. He must have been so worn out from all the crying earlier and emotional stress accumulated all these time.

He Key’s hair softly, thankful for his forgiving, his presence here next to him tonight when he was feeling so weak and useless. At the same time, though, Jinki was immensely guilty and disappointed in himself for having hurt the one he held dearest so badly.

He was of course aware that he had been compromising too much on his relationship, but he honestly didn’t know what came over him just now to have taken out his frustrations and angst on his boyfriend who didn’t deserved it one bit. He was unhappy with his job, the system, and had misdirected that anger onto Key. What Key had said was right; he had been there for him every step of the way, showing up on his doorstep with piping hot food, fresh groceries, and a warm hug. Jinki realized that he had taken all that for granted and now he ended up hurting the only one who really mattered.

“I just want you to know that your mere presence is not enough to make up my whole world. It is not enough to make me feel important and loved. I need more than this; I need you to show me sometimes that you care about me and about us. I need you to understand too that there are moments when I am weak and I can’t be strong again on my own, that I need you to make things alright again… Can you do that? Can we try to become better together?”

Key had asked of him in a quiet voice before he fell asleep, his eyes rather soulless as he lay there by Jinki’s side. He had picked up Jinki’s hand, lacing their fingers together weakly, and brought their joined hands to his lips. Every action was done without much strength, and it felt like some sort of a final salvation on Key’s part.

He is so exhausted. Jinki thought as he regarded his boyfriend, and for the first time noticing how weary he looked, how different he was from the cheerful and lively Key he once was whenever they were together.

What have I done… Jinki thought to himself once again, turning his body towards the sleeping boy and subconsciously tightening his arms that were around Key’s shoulder, shielding him in an almost protective manner.

He had nodded then only after a brief pause. His eyes locked on Key’s, he promised himself that he would really try to be there, that he will never make Key so upset like this again. And Key had smiled and nodded, scooting closer to hug him.

“I love you.” The younger boy whispered feebly, before closing his eyes and finally submitting himself to his fatigue.

“Mianhae…” Jinki whispered into the night, as he kissed the top of Key’s head and closed his eyes as well, this time with a new resolve in his heart. “Jeongmal mianhae.”

 

***

 

Kibum pulled Onew’s worn hoodie – which the older boy had given to him when he moved out of the dorm, so you can feel like I’m hugging you when you wear it, he’d said – closer around his body as he dug deeper under the covers, feeling the fever burning his senses while his fingers and toes were cold as ice.

He had been down with a bad flu for the last couple of days, which he knew was a result of him rashly running into the rain that day he had a fight with Onew. It only escalated into a full-blown fever just today after practice, when he thought it might be a good idea to try and dance the virus out of his body.

Which backfired. Kibum thought and scoffed bitterly at his stupidity. How he wished Onew could be here beside him now. Even if he couldn’t make the fever or the throbbing in his head go away, it would still make him feel better.

Despite all the discomfort he was feeling, Kibum smiled thinking about his boyfriend, who was in Japan right now on his business trip. Things between them are fine now, after that horrible fall-out he never wanted to happen again. Kibum had said his piece, laid all his cards on the table and he thinks that Onew understood where he was coming from, realized where he may have neglected him, and they will both now try harder to be better for each other.

And this is what a relationship should be about; working out differences and ultimately trying to become a better version of yourself for the one you love.

The morning after, Kibum woke up with his eyes stinging painfully and an empty space beside him on the bed where Onew should be. He groaned and covered his puffy eyes with an arm when he felt that they couldn’t even open fully.

“Up already?”

He lifted his arm when he heard Onew’s voice, and saw his boyfriend walking towards him with that dazzling eye-smile that he so loved. Onew sat down by the edge of the bed and instantly found his hands something to do by caressing the side of Kibum’s face.

“I need a thousand frozen metal spoons for my eyes now to make the swelling go down, Onew-yah…” Kibum whined, covering his eyes again, feeling rather unattractive at the moment.

“I’m so sorry, Kibummie. I really am.” Onew said, gently pulling Kibum’s arm away. The older boy leaned down and kissed each of his swollen lids, then his lips.

“It’s okay now baby.” Kibum offered a smile as he squinted through his half-open eyes. “We’re okay now, aren’t we?”

Onew nodded immediately, and pulled on Kibum’s hands until he was sitting up.

“Give me a second.” The older boy said, and quickly left the room.

When he returned again, it was with a small foldable tea table that seemed to carry his breakfast. There was a plate with plain sandwiches and scrambled eggs, a plastic box that contained a selection of breads and cakes and what looked like kimchi stew in another container.

“So… I made you breakfast to say sorry.” Onew looked a bit sheepish then, scratching his head and looking down at their hands. “But uhm… I only know how to make the basic sandwich and scrambled eggs so… I bought the rest, which means I didn’t really make your entire breakfast but–”

Kibum cupped Onew’s face in his hands, effectively cutting him off on his rambling. It was all very endearing to Kibum that Onew had done all this for him, and now even seemed nervous talking about it.

“Don’t worry about it, baby. I’m sure it is all very good, and I really appreciate this. Whatever you do, as long as it comes from here, it will be the best to me.” He touched a hand to Onew’s chest and said, feeling really moved at the effort his boyfriend had put in.

Onew seemed to relax at hearing what Kibum said, biting his lower lip and smiling. Kibum had pulled him closer and pressed their lips together, being just unable to resist that cute shyness on his boyfriend’s face and as a way to show his thanks. It was going to be the start of better days for them, he could feel it.

“Come try it and tell me if it’s any good!” Onew said excitedly when they broke apart from the sweet kiss, his cheeks slightly flushed.

They had spent that afternoon in each other’s company, him helping Onew pack the last bits of his things and they found themselves in each other’s embrace, kissing more than anything else. There was a need for them to show assurance; an affirmation of their relationship that Kibum now felt had grown stronger from the setback, and a little farewell for having to be apart for one week.

Kibum kept thinking back on that day, how truly wonderful it felt then, and that made him long to have Onew with him even more. The older boy had called just a while ago, just like he does every night before sleeping, and had gotten worried at hearing Kibum’s condition. He’d blamed himself, of course, and only after Kibum had told him several times that it wasn’t his fault and that he had taken some medicine so the fever would go down soon that he finally stopped beating himself up. Instead, he told Kibum to make sure he gave his classes a miss and stay in if he still feels unwell tomorrow.

“I wish I could be there to take care of you, Key-ah. I already haven’t been around so many times…” Onew had said over the phone, and Kibum could just imagine that guilty look on his face.

“Aniya, I know you can’t help it too… I will be well by tomorrow morning already, so don’t worry anymore, arasso? Go to bed now Onew-yah, you still have to work in the morning.” He had said, even though he also wished that Onew could be here. But he knew that the older boy didn’t need to worry about him even more than he already was, and so he left that unsaid.

“Goodnight baby. I love you so much.”

Pulling on the hoodie again, Kibum closed his eyes; breathing in Onew’s comforting scent that surrounded him and hoping to fall asleep quickly to at least spare him from this pain.

 

Kibum checked his watch and saw that there was still a bit short of an hour before the time he’d agreed to meet Taemin for self-practice at the old performing arts block. His illness had taken a little longer to recover than anticipated, which forced him to miss practice yesterday to make sure the fever doesn’t come back. Kibum had nothing better to do, and since he’d already had enough of being cooped up in his room for the last few days, he was really itching to hit the studio and flex his limps for a bit. It wouldn’t hurt to throw in an extra hour of freestyle dancing before the younger boy came along to help him with whatever he’d missed out from yesterday’s session.

Stepping into the rather dingy dance studio, the smell of the scratched and overused wooden floorboards filled Kibum’s senses. Even though it wasn’t a particularly pleasant smell, it gave him the feeling of familiarity and comfort.

The old performing arts block was all the way over at one end of the older wing of the university and had been around for much of the school’s history. Kibum had always had a strange liking for the old dance studio rather than the much bigger and brighter one at the new block. Maybe because this was the first studio he had stepped foot into and practiced in, the place where he had spent his toughest hours as a freshman honing his skills, he couldn’t really explain. The new studio seemed a little too spacious, its lights a little too bright when he wasn’t there with his entire club. Nobody really came into this one anymore, he could tell from the musty smell in the room. The air-con and lights still worked though, and no key was needed to access the room and all these made it convenient enough for him to choose to practice here instead.

Unfortunately, it had only been about half an hour since Kibum connected his iPod to the speakers and put his ‘Dance’ playlist on shuffle that he started to feel rather tired. His body that had just recovered from the virus probably couldn’t handle strenuous exercise at the moment and Kibum gave in, stopping the music as he took deep breaths to steady his heartbeat.

“Urgh, stupid weak body…” He grimaced, wiping his sweaty face with his towel as he sat with his back against the wall.

Habitually, Kibum whipped his phone out of his bag and slid it open, at the same time lying down on the floor with his bag propping his head up. He summoned up the message from Onew he’d received just this morning and read it once more.

Text Message: Onew baby (09-04-11 7.23am)

Baby, are you fully recovered today yet? Just one last day to go and I’ll be coming home! Less than 24 hours until we meet again ^▽^  I miss you so badly Key baby )’: I have to attend a company dinner tonight so I won’t be back till late. Sorry that I can’t call you tonight, don’t wait up and sleep early so you get enough rest, arasso? I want you well and healthy when I come back so I can bring you out and we can spend quality time with each other :) I love you baby, I’ll be seeing you soon <3

Every time Kibum read that text, it made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Onew was definitely getting more and more naggy, but he sure wasn’t going to complain. He loved the way his boyfriend pampered him, and he hasn’t felt it in such a long time too.

Feeling lethargy wash over him, Kibum’s eyelids fluttered close with his phone still in his hand. Taemin will wake him up when he arrives, he should take a little break now, just to make sure he won’t wear himself out. Onew had said that the company will give him two days off in lieu of the trip being brought forward and the last thing Kibum wanted now was for him to fall sick again and ruin their plans.

He was sure he hasn’t closed his eyes for long when he felt his phone vibrate in his hands.

Incoming call…

Hyoyeon-noona

 

Kibum stared at the display a little blankly, partly because he was still feeling sleepy. The blank stare on his face was replaced by a confused frown when he finally processed the situation with the insistently vibrating phone. He hasn’t heard from Hyoyeon since graduation, so why was she suddenly calling him now?

Mustering some courage, for what he didn’t know, Kibum slid the phone open and pressed it to his ear.

“Yeob–”

“Kibum! Where are you right now?! Are you in school?!” Hyoyeon’s breathless voice burst into his eardrum before he could even greet her properly, stunning him momentarily.

“E-er yes, I am. Is something the matter, noona? What–” Once again, Hyoyeon cut him off before he could finish his sentence. She sounded really flustered but he didn’t understand what was going on at all.

“Listen, Kibum! You need to listen to me! If you are in your room at the dorm now, stay there and call for security right now. Wherever else you are, go somewhere–”

“Ah!” A cry of pain left his lips before Kibum even realized that he had been hit from behind, a piercing pain shot through his back and the impact knocked him forward and his phone right out of his hand.

There was no time for him to react, to even turn around to look at his assaulter before he was dealt another blow, this time in his left leg, with incredible force that exceeded that of the first blow. He fell flat to the floor, tears flowing against his own accord because the pain was so overwhelming.

“Be thankful I only broke one of your legs, dumb little . I didn’t know it would be this easy to get you.” A semi-familiar voice sounded from behind, making him whip his head around, and he gasped in horror when he saw who it is.

“M-Mingu-ssi…”

“Oh, so I see that you remember me. Did that stupid boyfriend of yours tell you about me then?” Mingu raised the metal bat that was in his hand and Kibum flinched reflexively, afraid of receiving yet another blow, but Mingu only threw it to the ground with a loud clatter.

Kibum curled up on his good side, his breathing becoming laboured because the pain in his leg was driving him crazy and rendering him immobile. Mingu, on the other hand, seemed to find the scene of him suffering funny, because threw his head back with a loud laugh and looked right back in his eyes, deadpan. 

“Just look at you, writhing on the floor like the pathetic little that you are. That Lee Jinki guy must have been ing blind to have chosen you. What are you anyway? Who are you to make my noona cry like that, huh?!” Mingu spoke to him in a mocking tone, taking steps forward until he was looking down right at Kibum, the latter not daring to move a muscle for fear of inducing more physical harm.

He was trapped. There was nothing he could do; he couldn’t even try to run with a broken leg. His only hope was on Taemin, who should be here soon, but Mingu was obviously not right in the head, what if he harmed Taemin too?

“W-what do you want?” Kibum said shakily, trying to stall for time as he inched backwards, hoping to by some miracle get his phone that must be on the floor behind him somewhere.

“What do I want? I don’t know man… For following you around for two whole months, memorizing your every schedule, all the places you go and people you meet, before I finally get to trap you here and while your boyfriend is out of the country… d’aww. What do you think I want?” Mingu pretended to look thoughtful as though he was seriously considering the question while immeasurable fear struck Kibum. Those feelings he’d had of being followed and watched all these weeks, it was actually real and not a fragment of his stressed-up mind. Still, he didn’t have time to brood, trying to seek help was key right now. He continued moving as inconspicuously as he could, pretending to turn to lie on his back so he at least had one hand to work with that was out of Mingu’s view.

“Why are you looking so surprised? I know everything that I need to know about you now, and I know where your dumb boyfriend lives too. I’ve heard all your conversations and seen enough kissing. You lovebirds bathing in your own happiness, not giving two s if it was built on the pain of others. Disgusting things, the both of you. If not for the fact that my noona is so in love with that nitwit, I would love to destroy him too.” Mingu rolled his eyes and scoffed.

D-destroy…? Kibum froze at that word, not even daring to wonder what this man with a twisted mind was thinking to do to him next.

To his surprise, Mingu turned around and walked towards the entrance of the dance studio, and Kibum took this chance to search for his phone. Wincing as he pushed himself into a sitting position, he caught sight of the black device that was only a small distance away, under the stack of tables at the side of the room that the school had disposed of there.

He tried to move towards the direction of his phone in a half-sitting position without hurting his broken leg, using both his arms for support.

“Nuh-uh, you’re not calling for help.” Kibum was shocked to hear Mingu’s voice again and before he could turn, the other boy had already pushed him back on the floor with a nudge from his foot and delivered a swift kick right at his stomach, making him clutch his stomach and shout in agony. “Nobody can save you this time.”

Kibum felt a dash of cold liquid on his legs that seeped through the fabric of his sweat pants, some on his torso and arms, when he saw that Mingu was holding a glass bottle of clear liquid. From the smell and the lighter in his other hand, it didn’t take a genius to know what Hyoyeon’s brother was planning to do to him.

“No! What are you going to do?! Don’t, please! STOP!” Kibum was a rambling mess of incoherent and disjointed strings of ‘don’t’ and ‘please’ and ‘stop’, but none of which Mingu cared for. The redhead emptied the bottle around the studio, mostly around the back half where Kibum was lying, even whistling a tune while he was at it like he was just casually painting a house or washing his car.

“Goodbye, Kibum-ssi.” Mingu said with a coldblooded chuckle and threw the lit lighter to the floor. He turned and left the dance studio with his hands in his pockets as the kerosene swiftly carried the fire around most of the studio.

“ NO!” Kibum yelled in desperation. He was just a palm’s distance away from his phone now, but who could he call who could get here on time before he got burnt into a crisp? Mingu was right, wasn’t he? Nobody can save him this time.

Stretching his arm as far as it could go, he managed to grab onto his phone, the tongues of fire only raging more fiercely around him, at every corner the kerosene could reach as the seconds passed. The heat was unbearable; the fire was like a sea surrounding him and the fumes and smoke were choking him and making his eyes tear.

I’M NOT GOING TO DIE LIKE THIS! NO! Kibum’s mind kept screaming at him to get out of here, and he gathered what little energy he had left to focus on pushing himself towards the door. He was having difficulty breathing through the thick clouds of smoke and his vision was starting to blur, he felt too weak, too beaten up to go much further.

He was beginning to see why Mingu had broken one of his legs. So he couldn't try to run away, and he would have to watch himself getting swallowed by the flames.

Sliding his phone open with shaky hands, Kibum dialed Taemin’s number and prayed for him to pick up, and fast.

“Hyung, I’m sorry, I’m on the way right now!”

Hearing the voice of someone close made Kibum start to cry. The decades-old dance studio was beginning to disintegrate bit by bit around him. Holes were appearing in the floor as the wooden floor boards burnt behind him; the headboards were falling down and crumbling into pieces on the floor around him.

“T-Taemin… Fire…. Help… Ah!”  Some of the falling headboards hit Kibum repeatedly, the metal parts scalding his legs and pinning him to the spot. His clothes were beginning to catch fire as well. He was getting dizzy from the pain and smoke and had no strength left to struggle anymore.

“Help….h-help….” The words escaping him were but mere whispers by now. The burning sensation on his legs and arms slowly went from excruciating to a dull throb, and then it was like he couldn’t feel much anymore.

As if feeling his life drain out of him, several images came to Kibum’s mind. There were his parents, grandmother, Onew, Jonghyun, Minho, the first time he stood on stage to perform, when his teacher had praised him in front of his class for his detailed sketch, the first time Onew held his hand. All the images began to meld into one huge, ugly one that he could no longer make out.

Ah, so this is what it feels like to die... Kibum thought, as a lone tear slid out of his eyes.

He prayed that he will be saved. He didn’t want to die yet, he can’t die yet. What about all the things he had yet to finish, his half-done projects? What about his family? What about Onew? He had been a good boy and made sure he got well; do they still get to go on their date?

Help.

The last thing his foggy mind registered was somebody lifting him up, removing him from that burning hell. There was water all around but his body still burned. Maybe he was already dead, Kibum couldn’t tell anymore. And then all that was left was infinite blackness.

 

***

 

Text Message: Key (09-04-11 9.38am)

Baby! I’m all well today already whee! ‘ㅂ’ Can’t wait for you to get back Onew-yah, I miss you so much too :/ Don’t worry about calling, I will sleep early and stay well! You’re getting more naggy you know old man~ ㅋㅋㅋ Hwaiting at work today baby, I love you :* <3<3

Jinki lowered his phone as he walked out of the glass sliding doors of Arrivals with his luggage, a silly smile on his face as he thought of seeing Key, being able to hold him in his arms again any moment now.

Instead, what greeted him was the ashen face of his cousin, Taemin. The younger boy immediately went up to him and enveloped him in a tight hug when he saw Jinki.

“Oh, Taemin-ah… Why are you here? Where’s Key?” Jinki hugged him back, mildly surprised and looked around the airport hall trying to spot his boyfriend.

“Kibum-hyung… He…he’s in the hospital.” Taemin looked up at him and said quietly with a pained expression.

Jinki felt his heart drop and his eyes widened. Didn’t Key say he was well already? Did he fall ill again?

“Did his fever come back? Did it get so bad? How is he now?” Jinki asked, feeling rather worried. Having to be hospitalized from a fever had to mean that it was really serious, right?

“I… Hyung, it wasn’t the fever. K-Kibum-hyung…he was caught in a f-fire.” Taemin said without looking at him, fidgeting uncomfortably.

For a while Jinki didn’t understand because the whole thing just sounded so absurd. What fire is he talking about? Why would there be a fire?

“What? Did he send you to tell me this? He’s not really in the hospital is he, that cheeky boy. Is he preparing something nice for me at home?” He laughed and ruffled Taemin’s hair. Key should really have thought of a better reason because this was way too far-fetched for him to believe.

“Hyung, please don’t make this harder for yourself than it already is.” Taemin looked up then, and it was when Jinki saw the tears b in his eyes that he felt the blood draining from his face and his hands gradually turn cold.

“Jinki-hyung, you’ve arrived. Jjong went to get the car, we can go in a while.” A deep baritone voice reached Jinki’s ears and he looked up to see Minho, who’d joined Taemin’s side, his expression also a solemn and sad one.

The weight of the truth finally hitting him, Jinki felt his knees go weak as he fell forward, but Minho caught him before he could hit the floor.

“W-what… I just talked to him yesterday! H-how?”

Somewhere in Jinki’s confused thoughts, he heard Taemin quietly sobbing and Minho tried to hold on to the both of them at once.

What the hell actually happened? 

 

---

 

A.N.: So somehow after I announced my hiatus a few months ago, many people started subscribing to this story (which made me very puzzled indeed), and when the subscriber count finally hit 100, I guess it was time to start writing again. I am back, but not for good. I'm going to have to disappear again after this update because I have to study for my finals considering the amount of I am in for university so. 

So... TADAH! Finally the drama! Sorry that after so long of hiatus this chapter turned out to be mega-angst but I don't even know how long I have been waiting to write this part of the story.The fire scene turned out a lot harder for me to write than anticipated, so I hope it didn't too much.

I promised myself I would never write such ridiculously long chapters anymore since that last time, but here we have it: 10k words. This chapter was initially scheduled to be completed and posted by Christmas, but since I had been really busy working at that time, I couldn't do it. And then I tried for New Year's day, but I failed my own expectations again =_= So it only came now, after countless nights of staying up till 4 or 5am to write.

The next update probably wouldn't come in a few months and I'm sorry because I think the story is just starting to pick up now but it can't be helped. I'm sure like always, you guys will understand.

Comments about this development (I'm sure I caught you guys by surprise ;)) is very much welcomed. I was having a really hard time with my own emotions as I wrote the Onkey quarrel scene :/ In any case, I'm rather happy with this chapter, if only for the fact that I finally finished it. 

 

So: HIATUS RESUMED. 

xoxo.