With Onew’s feelings for him affirmed, Kibum doesn’t respond right away. Even though his feelings for Onew had been steadily blooming over the last few months, he still wanted to be 100% sure of them before jumping headfirst into a relationship like he had the first time round.

Admittedly, it was so easy to just fall into it, especially when Onew’s confession was nothing short of sweetness and more than anything he dreamed of. But he couldn’t be sure these feelings were that of love, and not plainly out of his reliance on Onew or just something he would feel for a close friend. More importantly, he wanted to make sure it wasn’t because he just wanted to be loved, to be somebody’s everything again. That is because if this is anything less than his wholehearted love, he wouldn’t be fair to himself, and not to mention to Onew, who’d already bared his entire soul to Kibum, giving him the power to make him or break him.

Kibum was looking for that breakthrough that could tell him clearly this is the truth, this is love.

The morning after his birthday, he found himself standing in front of Onew’s door. 

It was still early, and Kibum happened to know that Onew didn’t have any morning classes on a Friday in his new timetable. Since they grew closer, it became a natural thing for the both of them to more or less memorise each others’ timetables so that it was easier for them to meet up. Kibum raised a hand to knock when his eye caught sight of the bunny sticker he’d stuck on some time ago. It was still there. He it softly, lips curled up in a tiny smile at the memory of his surprise before knocking on the door.

He wasn’t really expecting Onew to be awake, given how late they’d gotten back last night but Onew opened up only shortly after.

He looked so lethargic. There were faint dark circles around his eyes and his face was slightly pale. It looked as if he hadn’t gotten any sleep all night. However, Kibum could see that Onew perked up immediately at the sight of him, and he stepped back to allow the younger boy in with a tight smile on his face.

Nothing looked out of place in his room, Kibum noted as he sat down on Onew’s bed while the other boy took his seat by the desk. Kibum doesn’t know why he’s looking for signs that Onew wasn’t okay, as if his tired face alone wasn’t already enough indication. Onew doesn’t look up nor say anything from his seat, as if he was waiting for Kibum to speak first.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me before?” 

Kibum broke the silence first like he was expected to, asking Onew the one question that had been on his mind the whole time since he’d learnt about his feelings. Onew didn’t mention about it in his letter and it really puzzled Kibum as to why he chose to keep it inside and hurt himself for so long. 

Onew doesn’t answer immediately. He continued to look down, playing with his fingertips before he took a deep breath and said, “I know you don’t feel the same way about me then. And even after we grew closer, I still couldn’t be sure. I just didn’t want to even lose you as my best friend.” 

He sounded so genuinely heartbroken that Kibum hated himself for being the cause of all his pain. 

“Onew.” Kibum’s voice came out so soft and it trembled so slightly that Onew finally lifted his gaze to meet Kibum’s. 

His usually bright eyes were now an ocean of broken hearts. 

“You could just keep it to yourself and hurt alone for so long, just to wait for me to come around?” Kibum asked. He really wanted to continue, to ramble off the entire cloud of thoughts that were on his mind, or even to berate Onew for his foolishness but instead, he kept his mouth shut. He was afraid that if he began to speak now, he would completely lose it and cry.

Slowly, Onew nodded, eyes not leaving Kibum’s. 

“What if I never came around?” 

There was a sort of bitter laughter coming from the other boy. One end of his lips went up in a half smirk as he dropped his gaze down to his hands in his lap again and said, “Then, we continue like this. Until you come around or until I can finally stop feeling anything for you.” 

When there was no response from Kibum, Onew continued, “Did I do it wrong, though? Should I not have said anything to you?” 

Kibum couldn’t take it anymore. He reached for Onew’s hands and held it tightly. 

“Listen Onew, look at me.” Kibum placed his other hand on the side of Onew’s face, making the latter look up at him right in the eyes. 

“I need you to help me on this, okay? I do like you, I really like you. More than a friend, more than my best friend. I need you.” Kibum’s voice was urgent. He needed Onew to understand where he was coming from, and that Kibum has not yet accepted him not because he wasn’t good enough or even because Kibum was still not over Jonghyun. That wasn’t the case at all. 

Onew looked at their hands that were pressed together in a tight knot on his lap and uttered in a voice so soft and rejected, “But you don’t love me, is that it?” 

“Don’t interrupt me Onew, look at me! I can’t live without you, okay? And I really want to be with you. But before we go any further, I just need to make sure that all these feelings I have inside of me, for you, is really truly love. Not because I feel lonely or unwanted and just need anyone there, or that I am reliant on you. This is to be fair to both of us. Can you allow me to be selfish for awhile more while I figure out my heart? Can you wait for me?” Kibum squeezed Onew’s hands even tighter, his eyes besieging Onew to believe in him. 

He saw life reignite ever so slightly in Onew’s eyes and he nodded again. 

“You can never be unwanted, Key. I’ll wait forever for you if you need me to.” 

It won’t take that long, I promise. I don’t need forever. Just wait for me, Onew. Wait for me. Kibum thought as he enveloped Onew in a tight embrace. 

In the following couple of weeks, with an important block exam coming up, Kibum spent his time half revising and half trying to confirm his feelings. He talked to everyone who could help, his umma, Minho, and one or two of his closer friends. The people who knew his heart and actions like his umma and Minho told him firmly that he was in love, while the rest couldn’t give him a definite answer.

Every night, Kibum listened to Onew’s song for him that he’d copied into his iPod until he fell asleep. He would read the letter Onew had written for him again and again, feeling the same dull heartache every time.

The two of them still met up, now more for studying purposes than anything else. Things between them weren’t much different, other than Onew seemed to be more open with showing his feelings now than ever. Kibum wasn’t sure if that was true, or just that he became more receptive to them after knowing Onew’s feelings for him. He was just glad there wasn't any awkwardness or distance between them since the confession. 

***

1 New Message: Key (04-10-10 3.50am) 
I really wonder what got into me when I chose to take this module, math is so not my thing =.= What did you say was the formula for the Z-test again? 

Jinki sat bolt upright on his bed, staring at the message on his phone screen.

4am?! How do you do math with so little sleep?! Wait, did he even sleep? Jinki thought to himself. Key had a math exam today and he must be crazy to still be awake at that kind of time. Jinki got out of bed after replying, not forgetting to chide him for not giving himself rest when he really should. It was just 7 in the morning, an hour more to the start of Key’s paper and Jinki’s first class.

Jinki got ready quickly and headed out. It was still early for class, but he wanted to get Key a coffee to get him through the grueling 3-hour paper. There was no way he could think properly with so little rest, and then all the effort he’d put in for this paper would go down the drain. Jinki would know. He’d seen the amount of determination Key had put in to this subject that he was weaker in, just because he wanted to prove that there was nothing he couldn’t conquer if he set his heart to it.

As he was queuing at the counter of the café, waiting to place his order, his phone vibrated showing that it was Key calling him.

“Ne, Key?”

“Onew-yah, are you still in your room? Can you get me a sweater from your wardrobe or something, please? It’s really freezing cold in the exam hall and it’s raining too heavily for me to go back and get it.” Key’s sounded worried. 

Jinki glanced out, and sure enough, it was raining. It wasn’t even so much like rain; it was more like a storm. The kind that could get you completely soaked in 3 seconds even with an umbrella.

“Yeah, sure. Just wait there for me, okay? I’ll be just awhile.” Jinki hung up, feeling a little thrown. He has a jacket in his backpack, but not an umbrella of any sort.

“Um, I was just wondering if you have any spare umbrellas that I can borrow?” Jinki asked the cashier when he got his order.

“I’m so sorry, they have all been borrowed by our customers.” The cashier looked at Jinki apologetically.

Well then, I really have no other choice. Jinki thanked the cashier and made towards the door, bracing himself for the rain as he adjusted his backpack on his shoulders.

“Oh no, Sir, you can’t! It’s raining too heavily, please just wait awhile!” The cashier called out to Jinki with shock as he pushed the door open, and several people in the café turned to have a look at the crazy man who wanted to get out in this heavy downpour.

“Thank you but I’m running late!” Jinki hastily replied and bolted out of the café towards the direction of the university, holding the bag that contained Key’s coffee close to his chest.

Oh yes, challenge Lee Jinki. I don’t care if it’s a downpour or a volcano eruption, I’m going to make it back on time.

He was sopping wet by the time he got back to school. The paper bag was going to tear from being wet, but thankfully, the coffee cup didn’t topple in his great hurry.

“Oh my god, what the hell did you do Onew? You ran in the rain?!” Key, who just caught sight of Jinki, walked towards him with a look of horror on his face.

“Yeah, kind of. I got coffee for you. You can’t think with a clear mind with so little sleep, okay?” Jinki brushed off his questions and handed the cup of coffee to Key. He began to reach for his backpack, swinging it off one shoulder.

“And here’s the jacket.”

Key was still staring at him with his mouth agape. Then he finally said “You ran in the rain to get coffee, for me?”

Jinki laughed. “It was unplanned, Key. It only started to pour after I got there.”

“Why didn’t you tell me then? That you weren’t already in your room? I would be fine without the jacket, you needn’t have ran here in the rain, my god…”

“Hey, Key, I’m fine. Don’t worry. I would have been caught in the rain either way. Just… Don’t worry okay? I’m fine.”

Key shook his head then and pushed the jacket that was still in Jinki’s hands back to him. “Keep this for yourself, Onew. You’re all wet!”

“Take it please, Key. I’ll head back and change.” Jinki lied. He didn’t have time to go back but he knew Key would never let it go if he didn’t say that.

“Finish that up quickly okay? I need to go now. FIGHTING!” Jinki ruffled Key’s hair and pushed him lightly towards the entrance of the exam venue before walking away.

He was already shivering before he even stepped into the air-conditioned lecture hall, but there was really nothing he could do about it with just 15 minutes left to class. He rubbed his arms repeatedly in hopes of creating any minimal warmth, wishing that nobody would poke fun at him for being so ridiculously drenched.

***

Night had fallen and they were studying again, in Onew’s room this time, because the older boy had felt too tired to leave his room. Kibum had wanted to leave him to rest properly but Onew had insisted he was fine. Moreover, Kibum needed his help for the next exam coming in a few days for his compulsory economics module that all arts students had to take.

Bored from trying to make sense of his economics textbook, he looked up to find Onew with his eyes closed and his head resting in one hand. He looked so drained all of today, and he had been sneezing non-stop since they met up. Kibum felt bad remembering how he’d ran through the downpour in the morning, more or less because of him.

“Hey, Onew. Do you want to rest for awhile? You look really tired.” Kibum said worriedly as he looked at Onew who was slowly opening his eyes again. His eyes were unfocused and it looks like he didn’t realize he had fallen asleep.

“Oh. Yeah, okay. I think I might just sleep for a little. Just wake me up when you need me, okay?” Onew smiled and got up from his seat.

However, he only took one step before he stumbled and collapsed to the floor with a loud thud.

“Omo, Onew!” Kibum thought Onew tripped and fell again at first. He got up in an instant and squatted down, trying to help the older boy up but began to panic when he gently shook Onew and got no response. The older boy had lost consciousness and his body was too hot to the touch as well.

“Goodness, you’re burning!” Kibum ran the short distance to the emergency phone that was stuck on the wall near the door and rang for reception.

“Get someone up here quickly, please! Lee Jinki has fainted in his room!” Kibum was no short of yelling into the phone and he slammed it back after hearing that medical help will be sent up shortly. He hurried back to Onew’s side and heaved him up, his heart thumping wildly in his chest as he tried to lay the older boy down gently on the bed.

“Please don’t scare me, oh my god, Onew. Please…” Kibum clasped Onew’s hands tightly; rubbing it repeatedly in some kind of random pattern with his thumb for what seemed like forever when knocking came at the door.

Kibum flew to the door and swung it open and a pair of paramedics piled into the room.

“You are Lee Jinki’s…?” One of them asked Kibum as they approached the bed that Jinki was lying on.

“Erm. Friend. I live two floors down. He's having a fever. He got caught in the rain this morning, I think that's the cause of it…” Kibum answered.

“Alright, why don’t you go down and freshen up? I think we’re okay from here.” She smiled at Kibum reassuringly.

“Can I come back later, to look after him?” Kibum asked. He just can’t leave Onew alone like this.

“Of course! Less work for us, isn’t it?” She answered slightly wearily.

While the pair began checking on Onew, Kibum headed back to his room after a last lingering look back at the older boy. He placed all his books and papers back in place on his desk and leaned on it, taking a deep breath, trying to steady his nerves.

The guilt eating away at him right now was almost too much to bear. He knew it clearer than anything else that it was his fault that Onew had passed out. Shaking his head, he sighed and tried to get rid to those thoughts as he walked over to his wardrobe to get something more comfortable for the night.

When he was done with a quick shower, Kibum reached for his phone and iPod that was on his desk, preparing to head back upstairs when his eyes fell on the box that had been sitting there since his birthday night. Opening it, he was once again captured by the beauty of the bracelet that was in his hand. He gripped it tightly, with too many thoughts about Onew running through his mind and he put it into the pocket of his pants.

“He’s having a high fever that’s near 40 degrees. Thankfully you were around when he fainted. We’ve given him a shot, and the fever should go down after awhile.” One of the paramedics said to Kibum when he got back to Onew’s room.

They left Kibum alone after they were done and he sat by the bed watching Onew sleep.

40 freaking degrees, you heard that? You crazy man. Kibum scolded Onew in his head while holding the older boy’s hand close to his face. Why are you always like that? Why do you always have to make me worry? Didn’t I already say that I can’t live without you? Are you doing this to me on purpose?  

The familiar, gripping fear of the possibility of losing Onew surfaced again, since that time he got stabbed because of Kibum. He can’t help but wonder why Onew always put himself in harm’s way because of him. Kibum looked at Onew, his hair and his face with his free hand. His skin still felt hot to the touch and suddenly Kibum didn’t want to be reminded that he’d caused all this.

He got up and began clearing up Onew’s desk, stacking the books neatly and gathering his stationery to return them to his pencil case. He picked the pile of books up and was about to place them in the plastic tray at the corner of his desk when he saw a black leather-bound book lying in it. On the cover, there were the words “Jinki’s World ^▽^” written in silver ink that had faded slightly with time. Below it, in clearer letters, read “Onew” and a small heart was drawn beside it.

Kibum put the stack of books down and reached for that instead, curiosity nipping at him. Should I not be looking? Kibum debated with himself, knowing it was wrong to be peeking into the private diary of Onew without his permission. Nervously, he threw a glance at Onew who was obviously not awake before he opened it with slightly shaky hands. He decided he wanted to know all of Onew’s innermost thoughts and feelings. It had always been Kibum going to him for help, but almost never the other way round. Kibum wanted to know about his feelings too, to be there for him like he'd been there for Kibum all along.

He flipped through it from the first page, dated some time back in 2007. Kibum could see that Onew didn't write in it very often. But as he flipped on, he saw that the days between each entry shortened when it reached 2009, and it was almost all about Kibum. Feeling overwhelmed, he turned to the last entry of the diary, deciding to read it from the back.

It was dated about a week ago, on Kibum’s birthday.

23^rd September 2010
Today is Key’s birthday, and I just got back from dinner with him. Wahhh~ Do you know? My plan went perfectly. I surprised him first outside his room and he looked so shocked, it was really cute. I wonder if he really did worry for me so much at my prank call? I would like to think so ^^

Then we went to that restaurant I picked out all those weeks ago and sang him that song, One. You know how hard I worked on that song right, my dear diary? I wonder if I did the right thing by confessing. He hasn’t given me an answer, of course. I guess it’s just too much for him to handle at once. All I can do now, is what I do best: Wait. I can only wait and pray at the same time that he will come around. 

Although I feel better that I’d finally confessed to him, now I am so afraid that he wouldn’t feel the same way and would begin to avoid me. I really don’t think I can live without him, you know. If only anybody knew or cared about how terrified I am at that idea.

…I guess I should just try to get some sleep now.
 
4^th September 2010
Today, I’ve decided that I should really do something real about the elusive idea of a confession that has been on my mind since I got back from Moscow. 

The song I’d been writing finally has its tune today. I really like it, and I want him to hear it too. I never thought I might actually put them into action, but here goes nothing. Tomorrow I’ll be going to Joon-hyung’s friend’s studio to record it. He’s been such a great help to me for this. Hopefully the scene of me singing it for Key will become more than a part of my imagination. Wish me luck.

Jinki, fighting! ^▽^
 
2^nd July 2010 
I’m leaving for Russia in just a few hours’ time. It’s yet another sleepless night as I lay awake here, missing him too much for my own good. I’m missing my entire share for the next 6 weeks in hopes that I can have a better time there. ㅋㅋ God knows that’s not possible though.

6 weeks is a long time. But I guess, I should be happy that I at least I have that picture, right?

How I wish that his attention for me is more than that for his best friend. But then again, that’s just my wishful thinking, again. This is terrible. I haven't even left yet and I'm already feeling like this. I think 6 weeks will be just about right for me to go crazy.
 
Tonight, I really feel so empty…

Kibum felt his throat tighten as he read the entries one by one. He couldn’t believe how much Onew had suffered in silence for him, and what an he was for being so completely oblivious to all these emotions. There were so many, uncountable, entries that followed, writing about what Kibum had said or done that made him happy or upset, about Kibum and Jonghyun, questioning his importance to Kibum and so much more. He skimmed through them until he came to an entry that was undated.

Sometimes, I am really so tired from trying to be strong all the time. Can I just break down, hug my knees to my chest and cry? Can I not be there just once today, not pick up when he calls to talk about Jonghyun again? I want so much to be selfish just for once, but I know I can’t. He needs me to be strong. 

Every day I get up, wondering whether this day will be the day he would finally see that I’ve been here right beside him since the start and never left. That I will never abandon him for anything in the world. That no matter what happens, even if the sky was falling down and I can’t hold it up for him, I would lay myself down right beside him and get crushed together.

When will I be enough for you, Key? 

My heart is tired, so tired from all the hurting. It is empty and cold. I feel myself fading into nothingness. I want so much to be fine, to just stop feeling any emotions at all. 

But I love him too much to let him go. 

Kibum closes the diary, unable to bring himself to read on anymore. Tears were blurring his vision and his mind was in a whirl. There was so much pain in the words that he’d read that Kibum could feel his own heart breaking.

He thinks about the times Onew had been there whenever he needed him, never pushing him away even when he was busy, or tired, or heartbroken himself. He remembers how Onew’s texts are always waiting for him to reply in his phone, never without something cheerful or encouraging to perk him up after a long day. Kibum never had to be the one to do any chasing when it came to Onew. He thinks about all the times Onew had thrown his own safety to the sidewalk and protected him, held him together when he was falling apart, loved him without ever asking for any returns.

He held Kibum together while he was falling apart himself, bit by bit.

Without realizing, Kibum’s tears were already streaming down his face. He felt his heart aching so much, he thinks that he would really not be able to survive if he were to lose Onew just like this. Remembering the bracelet, he pulled it out from his pocket and put it on. He brought his wrist close to his chest as he sat down beside Onew's bed again. 

I want to be with you, oh god, I am the world’s biggest idiot but I want, no, I need to be with you. Please tell me I’m not too late…

Kibum felt like the heartache was too much to take. He turns on his iPod and plugs his earphones in, selecting Onew’s song to be played on loop. He needed to have Onew's soothing voice singing to him to lessen this pain, and to reassure him that he was still here, it was not too late.

He wanted to stay up all night to watch over Onew, or simply just to punish himself. But his head ached from all the crying and his heart ached from all the yearning and his eyes stung so badly that he finally, reluctantly closed them. He lay his head on top of their tightly clasped hands and drifted to sleep.

***

The first thing he felt when he came around was the dull throbbing in his head. Next, was that there was something heavy weighing down on his hand. He twitched his fingers, thinking that his hand had fallen asleep and the feeling would go away when the circulation returned to it, but it didn’t.

Jinki opened his eyes, the familiar ceiling of his room greeted his eyes and the walls were painted a dark purple from the sky that was slowly lightening outside. He felt like there was something different about this day that he’d woken up to, but he couldn’t put a finger on what was different.

He tried to sit up, but began to feel dizzy so he lay back down. Besides, the weight on his hand was still holding him down, so he shifted his gaze down to his hand, only to see a mop of brown hair lying by his bed.

Is that Key? Am I dreaming? Why is he here? His movements seemed to have woken the younger boy up as he stirred, pulling his earphones out of his ears with his eyes still closed.

Then Jinki remembered. They were studying in his room, and he’d gotten up to get some sleep, right? But why was Key still here and sleeping by his bed?

“Onew, you’re up! How’re you feeling?” Key looked and sounded really relieved. Jinki didn't miss the look of worry in his eyes along with... Was that a flicker of longing?

“Hey. Um, I’m fine. Did something happen? Why are you still here?” Jinki said as Key got up and helped Jinki to a sitting position.

“You fainted, don’t you remember? The nurse said you had a high fever near 40 degrees. 40 freaking degrees, you pabo! Do you know how worried I was?!” While Key was fussing all over him, Jinki noticed something hanging from his left wrist. It was that bracelet he’d given to him as his birthday present and he wondered why he suddenly put it on.

“Er, Key?”

Key turned his attention to him and he raised his eyebrows in the direction of his wrist.

“Yes, about that. Onew. I…” The other boy was rendered speechless for a moment, sitting back down on the floor beside the bed before looking at Jinki.

“I think I love you.”

Jinki’s heart stopped for one second as he processed the words, his eyes widening. He wanted to laugh, to get up and dance or just run around screaming with happiness, something. But just as he opened his mouth, his head throbbed again.

“Ow. Ow, my head.”

Key quickly got up again and said, “Oh god, just lie down and rest, okay? I’ll be here. It’s my turn to take care of you now.” A warm smile came from the younger boy and Jinki sank back into his pillow, contented.

“Thank you, Key. For letting me love you.”

The younger boy just smiled shyly and kept rubbing Jinki's hand with his thumb.

“So are we, you know, together for real now?” Jinki asked, then wanted to slap himself as the words left his mouth, realizing how stupid that sounded.

“Nope, not yet.” Came Key’s reply. He stood up and motioned that he wanted to sit on the bed, so Jinki scooted over to make space. Key sat with his back against the headboard, one leg crossed and the other down the side of the bed and patted at his lap, signaling Jinki to lie on it.

“No? Why not?” Jinki settled in comfortably and pouted up at Key. It felt so right, the closeness of their actions right now, it was as if they’d both been just waiting for it to happen. Then he realizes that they probably have.

“I think I still owe you a confession.” Key was playing with Jinki's hair, twisting locks of it around his slender fingers.

“I don’t need a confession, Key-” Jinki’s words were cut off by Key’s finger on his lips.

“Shh, Onew-yah. Just let me say this, okay? I need to say it.” Key smiled.

Jinki nodded his head, curious despite himself as to what Key’s confession for him would be like.

“I don’t know from when, and I don’t know how. But somewhere between our coffee dates and laughter, I found my emotions tied to yours the way I described to you on that freezing cold winter night out on the field. I found that when I was around you, I always felt so free and unburdened. You always made me feel so safe.”

“Somewhere along the way, I began to cry for you when you got injured or sick, especially when it happened because of me. I got afraid that I would lose you. I miss you when you’re not around me, and I found out that not anyone will do, because I really only wanted you.”

“Somewhere along the way, I found out that I get disappointed when you don’t text, jealous when you put others before me. And when I think of all that you’ve been through for me, I wonder what took me so long. Somewhere along the way, Onew. I found out that I, too, am hopelessly in love with you.” Key held Jinki, and smiled so softly down at him. 

“Now, we’re together for real.” Key said as he leaned down and pecked Jinki’s forehead.

Jinki couldn’t stop grinning, his heart feeling like it was going to explode from too much happiness. So this is what it feels likes. I am finally in my personal paradise.

“These feelings didn’t just blossom and come out of nowhere, you know. It wasn’t only when you confessed that I realized I had feelings for you too. It had been growing through all the time that we spent together, all the months together, and apart. I was just unsure and too afraid that it would go wrong again… I’m sorry I took so long, leaving you hanging there and hurting because of me all the time. But now I know so clearly that I love you. I love you, Lee Jinki.” Key buried his face in Jinki’s hair and cradled him close.

“I love you more.” Jinki answered, thinking that it feels like a dream, it was almost too good to be true.

“For now, maybe. But don’t be too sure that will always be the case, it could change.” Key smiled again and there was some colour in his cheeks. This was much more than Jinki ever asked for.

“Now get better soon so I can kiss you.”

A.N.: And happily ever after! Woohoo ^^ Nah, just kidding. I'm a er for drama, so they won't be happy for too long (?) LOL. Comment/subscribe if you liked this, more goodies coming up :) 

<3!