I’m still sitting in the corner of our restroom. My friends have been around me for too long. They asked me again and again… “What happened?” “What happened?”…

Why didn’t they just leave me alone? Yunho left first and Jaejoong followed him. Few moments after we heard soldiers shouting in fear and Yoochun ran off to check up on the other two. They left me alone… finally. I didn’t want them to know… To know that the… commander laid hand on me… That he… touched me… and pulled his… He pushed it into me… forcefully. I didn’t want this… It hurt. It… really did. I’m crying again as thinking of it… of the gruesome moments, I can’t help but wince and feel disgusted. Disgusted by myself. I… I still can feel his hands on me. His lips on my neck… All this rubbing… All the pain… My heart’s aching so much. I want to die. I want to die right now! I need to die… I… I can’t live on with this… I’m scratching my neck and arms and drilling my nails into my skin. I’ve already been bleeding for a while now. But it’s not enough. I… I want to go… I don’t want to be here for any longer. I…

Suddenly I’m hearing a hella loud siren howling. I’m briefly looking up and listening to the sound of it. Something bad must have happened. I… I hope my friends are alright… But to be honest… I don’t care about them much… I can’t… I’m… in no position to care for anyone. All I am… is disgusting. I’m used. I’m trash… I’m sobbing and breathing in and out loudly. Now and then I’m even screaming in pain and fear. Shaking a lot. I’m pulling my legs to my body and pressing my back on the wall, while surrounding my legs with my arms and grabbing them tight. My face’s buried in my arms, as I’m continuously crying. Sitting like this… it hurts. But…, I can’t… handle myself anymore. Every time I sob, my shoulders and my upper body’s shaking a lot. I could suffocate due to it. After a while, I’m reassuring a bit. Still… I feel ugly, disgusting, in pain and hatred, sad, broken, hurt… Simply worse.

I’m hearing someone opening my room’s door and stepping in slowly. I’m not looking up, continuing to burry my face in my arms and cry. I don’t care who it is. I don’t want my friends to ask me again and again. I want them to leave me