I’m really hurt. I can’t believe that my proteges smashed everything that I’ve tried so hard to build up. I did my best to protect and support them. To help them become one again, so I won’t feel their pain anymore. I know their thoughts and feelings and to be honest I’m really tired of it. I’m at my limits… and that’s why the last incident made me disappear for them. They can’t see or feel me anymore. I’m worse than split now. As split, they still were able to see me, but now… I’m no longer visible for them. I'm no longer Cassiopeia, am I? All I wanted was to see them smile again… I wanted to bid farewell in happiness. But now, all I can do’s watch them. I can’t touch them, I can’t… No interactions possible. I miss talking to them. I still share their feelings and I’m still becoming hurt and all when they do, but it’s just… one-sided. I miss Changmin the most…

I disappeared in front of Jaejoong. I turned into thousands of little lights and vanished. I’ve been in the dark for about a week. The dark where I’ve been disconnected… I didn’t feel pain or any kind of emotions of the five. I’ve been… freed, but lonely. Really lonely… My memories rushed through my mind. The day I became Cassiopeia. The day my heart beat. The day… I turned into a spirit. Dong Bang Shin Ki’s separation. All the things that happened in the few months in military… All the painful moments and all the cheerful ones…

Tonight, I came back, but I’ve instantly realized that they can’t see me any longer. Moments ago, they were sitting in the canteen and enjoying their meal. The Super Junior members were also there. It’s been so long since I’ve last seen them happy like this. Finally… but still, they don’t believe in me anymore. I’m gone for them… Where did I go wrong?

They’re all asleep now, prepared for tomorrow’s event. I’m walking up to Junsu and looking at him. His head is covered with his blanket. He’s sleeping silently, still I can hear him breath in and out calmly. Then I’m glancing to Yoochun. His arm’s hanging down making his hand touch the floor. One of his feet’s sticking out too. Above, I can hear Jaejoong snore in ease, silently. He’s suffered a lot… I’m happy for him to have cleared things with Yunho. I’m turning around to check up on him. The leader’s breathing heavily, he’s having a nightmare. Dreaming about the performance being a disaster. Huh, even in his sleep he’s struggling as an idol. Next, I’m climbing up to Changmin. He’s sleeping all reassured. I’m reaching my hand out for his cheek, but I’m not able to touch him as my hand’s going through his face. My hand’s shaking as I feel unconfident. I’m looking at him in sadness. Even though they’re happy now… I feel sad. This’s my personal feeling. The loneliness’s killing me. I’d prefer to be hurt thousands of times worse and getting all my cuts if that’s to make me interact with them again. I… I miss them. They were my family. My heartbeat’s suddenly rising and again, I’m turning into thousands of little red lights. I’m again being shut down in the dark. Living through all the incidents.

I’m in a room where the five of them are sitting separately and discussing about leaving SM. About leaving Dong Bang Shin Ki. I feel them being all angry, hurt, sad and disappointed. I feel Yunho’s heart breaking. I feel him blaming himself for their decision. I feel Jaejoong’s sadness. He doesn’t want to leave his beloved one and Changmin. Junsu’s confident about their decision and Yoochun’s just going with it. Changmin’s pretty mad. The atmosphere’s becoming severe and bad. Then I’m suddenly being pulled out of this dream kind of image. I’m pulled back into the dark. Into emptiness. I’m here for hours or maybe days… I don’t know. I can’t feel anything. Time’s surely flowing in here slowly. I’m so afraid of being alone… I feel so abandoned. My eyes are tearing up and I’m shedding my precious tears. My red eyes are sparkling in the dark. My tears are falling into emptiness. I… I’m so lonely… I… wished to vanish entirely. I don’t want to live like this… My tears are running down my cheeks. I’m not sobbing… it’s just the tears and my heart breaking… Then suddenly, I’m ripped out of the darkness. What’s happening? I can’t see a thing. It’s a different feeling. It’s cold. Am I vanishing now? Is my wish being granted? No… I… I can hear someone sing. It’s a familiar song. It’s… “Backseat”. Wait, isn’t this JYJ’s song? Why… why am I hearing this now?

I’m opening my eyes and suddenly finding myself floating above a big audience. What’s this? What’s going on? How did I get here? Is this…? Holy crap, this’s the New Year’s Event already! The audience’s filled with SM-artists, family members and soldiers. Some’re cheering for JYJ. Why aren’t they performing as one? Why…? My heart’s suddenly skipping a beat. I can feel something breaking in me. What’s this? It’s not my heart. Is this my soul?

Then suddenly Jaejoong’s voice’s cracking as he’s out of breath. His condition… Damn it! It won’t let him perform perfectly! He’s holding his chest and coughing. Junsu’s covering up for him. Phew… But then suddenly Yoochun seems lost on the stage. He’s lowering his microphone and looking at the audience in shock and confusion. Oh no, I can’t believe he’s lost his memories right now. Yoochun’ stepping back and gulping. He’s pretty much scared too and nervous like never before. Jaejoong’s glancing at him and trying to cover up, but his condition won’t let him. Junsu’s slowly becoming overstrained and unconfident. And again, I feel something breaking in me. What’s this? I… I’m scared.

Then suddenly something unexpected is happening. Yunho and Changmin are running up to the stage and covering up for Yoochun and Jaejoong. Jaejoong’s smiling at Yunho thankfully, while Changmin’s putting his arm around Yoochun’s shoulder to make him feel safe. Junsu’s becoming all confident again and singing amazingly. They’re performing together... Believe me, it’s been so damn long since I’ve heard the fans chanting this loud. The soldiers are obviously big fanboys. Cassies. The commander’s starting to grin all over her face, seeing the boys on the same stage. She’s ordering the officers to take care of every single person in the audience, so no one would take a photo or else. She’s really trying hard to keep them safe. I… I feel so different now. I should be happy. Wasn’t it that I wanted them to become one again? So, why am I not happy? Why do I feel odd? As if this were to be wrong… Why? Suddenly hundreds of red lights are turning up above me. Is this a feature of the event? The fans are still chanting loudly, not noticing me or the lights. I’m staring at the five on the stage and that’s when I realize that they’re all looking at me. They’re smiling. Their thoughts tell me that they can see the red lights. They know that I’m here watching them. Suddenly, the red lights become all black, making my boys look a bit confused, still they continue like professionals, except Yoochun and Jaejoong. They lack a bit…

And then it’s the third time I feel something breaking in me. I’m falling, right onto the stage, nearly breaking it through. Yunho, Jaejoong and Junsu are instantly jumping back. Changmin and Yoochun are holding in their breath. The music’s stopping. I’m opening my eyes, which I feel become all black. I feel different. The audience’s shrieking loudly, some people faint and some stare at me in shock.

“Where did he come from?!”, I’m hearing Shura screaming in fear and pointing at me.

I’m standing on the stage, wearing my uniform and my back’s turned at the audience. Jaejoong and Yunho are exchanging glances, Changmin’s shoring Yoochun and stepping up to the other two, while looking at me in shock. Junsu’s slowly approaching the others on stage. They’re standing side by side now, few steps in front of me. The officers are pointing their guns right at me. Someone’s turning on the lights. Now everyone’s curiously staring at me. I feel their gazes in my back. But… why the hell are they able to see me?! I’m not to be seen by anyone else, but Dong Bang Shin Ki. Wait… a while ago Siwon was once able to see me too… What’s happening? Why… am I like this? Where’re all the thoughts and feelings I had moments ago? Why can’t I feel them anymore? Why do I feel so different? What’s this… cold beat in me? This dark feeling... it's embracing me...

I can hear Shura ordering the officers to put down their guns. She probably doesn’t want the audience to panic. Then suddenly Yunho’s pushing me aside and stepping forward, lifting his microphone and clearing his throat.

“Uhm… please calm down everyone! He’s part of the performance! A… backup-dancer…”, he’s lying out of the blue.

In fact, some of the people are reassuring and believing his words. Starting to laugh and clap. Shura’s calling the five down from stage and some other soldiers are stepping up. The officers are grabbing my arms and dragging me down from stage. We’re leaving the celebration hall and submissively following the commander, behind me my boys are walking.

We’re entering Shura’s office and the door’s closed by Yoochun. The commander’s taking place at her desk and knocking her fingers on it, while lifting her brow and glancing at Yunho in unbelieve. She’s signaling the two officers to let me go. They’re instantly releasing me and I’m stumbling forward, nearly falling. The officers are leaving without hesitation. They know exactly what Shura wants.

“So…”, she’ starting to talk to the leader, “I’ve clearly told you guys that no backup-dancers are allowed. And I ordered you to perform as JYJ first and then as TVXQ at the end.”

I’m lowering my gaze, as I somehow feel really pressured. The weird thing is that I’m no longer having these thoughts of the others. I’m glancing at my hands and arms. My cuts are all gone. I feel different.

“Ms. Shura!”, Jaejoong’s suddenly butting in, “We performed as JYJ! It was our song! Yunho and Changmin… they just covered up for Yoochun and me…”

Yunho’s pulling his arm. He doesn’t want Jaejoong to tell her about their conditions, though I believe she already knows.

“The part where you performed together…”, she’s continuing and folding her hands on the desk, “I really felt happy. I saw the bond of you guys. The harmonizing voices… something only a Cassie would understand. I’m not mad about this. I want to know who that guy is!”

I’m lifting my head, as I feel her staring at me. I’m gulping. This’s all new to me. I feel really different now. Changmin’s walking up to me. He seems nervous somehow, looking at me from the corners of his eyes. I wonder what he’s thinking of. Damn it! The ability of being aware of their thoughts... I need it back!

“Ms. Shura, his name’s Cas…”, Yunho’s about to answer, but he’s instantly holding in and covering his mouth startled.

Shura’s lifting her brow and waiting for a proper answer. Jaejoong’s coughing, Junsu’s staring at me in unbelieve and Yoochun’s still not rememberi