Chapter 16: What do I feel?

Jealous? Me? No way. I just hate that little devil because she laughed at me, but… I have to accept that I felt angry when she was with Youngmin. Does that mean that I’m jealous?

I have to go out to clear my mind.

-       Dad! I will take a walk to the park. – I said.

-       Ok, but don’t come back late and wrap up, its cold outside. – My dad said.

I went out and I took a walk in the park. I felt better when I saw all the children playing around and some young couples holding hands. Also, the park was decorated with Christmas ornaments and lights. I was so concentrated watching the beautiful view that I stumbled with a rock and fell down on the floor.

-       Ouch! – I said.

-       Are you ok? – Someone said extending his hand with a deep manly voice.

-       Yes, thank you. – I said taking his hand and getting up. But… when I raised my head to see who was… he was YOUNGMIN! I got surprised almost in shock and he looked surprised too.

-       Lucy? – He said surprised.

-       Youngmin… what are you doing here? – I asked him.

-       I was buying the Christmas presents and then I decided to take a walk in the park. – He said quietly.

-       Oh… I see. – I said putting my hands on my head.

-       Oh! Your elbow is bleeding. – He said pointing a bloodstain on my sweater.

-       Really? – I said moving my arm to see my elbow. – Blood! – I said scared.

-       Its ok, sit down here I will go for my first aid kit in my car, don’t move. – He said sitting me on a park bench.

-       Thanks. - I said shyly.

Damn! What I needed. I was trying to clear my mind and Youngmin appears from nowhere making my heart beats so fast. Why suddenly he is being nice to me? Normally, he’s cold with me. What’s going on with this world?

-       This will hurt a little, but it will heal it. – He said bending and putting some medicine on my elbow, my heart is beating so fast. I hate this.

-       Ouch! It hurts. – I said.

-       I’m sorry I have to be more careful. – He said apologizing.

-       It’s good that Eun Bin is not here, she had probably laughed at me. – I said.

-       I see you don’t like her. I didn’t know you like teasing. – He said laughing.

-       Uh… I normally don’t do that but she is just so….

-       Annoying. – He said standing up and sitting next to me.

-       Exactly! – I said smiling.

-       She’s just like you when you moved out here. – He said laughing.

-       Really? I was like that? This is embarrassing. I can’t believe I was so annoying. – I said.

-       Yeah. But you’re not that annoying anymore. – He said smiling. – I have to accept that the joke was funny. – He said. We both laughed and then stayed in silence for a few seconds.

-       Youngmin, can I ask you something about Minwoo and you? – I said nervous.

-       We’re not gays. – He said.

-       What? No, it’s not that. – I said laughing.

-       Well, in that case, you can ask me whatever you want. – He said smiling. My heart beat faster when I saw him smiling in that cute way.

-       Well, you don’t talk to me because you think I’m annoying or because of the promise you made to Minwoo of staying away from me? – I asked him nervously, I need to know the truth right now or my heart is going to explode.

-       What? How do you kno… I mean, what are you talking about? You know why I don’t talk to you; it’s because you don’t know how to keep a secret. – He said nervous.

-       I promise you I learned the lesson. I apologized with you for that, Christmas is closer, it’s time to forget and forgive. Please forgive me I want to be your friend. – I said.

-       I’m sorry Lucy. I have to go. – He said standing up.

-       Wait… please answer my question. I need to know it. – I said begging.

-       Why do you want to be my friend? – He said with his eyes filled of tears… maybe of anger.

-       Because… because…. I don’t know but I can’t stop caring about you and if we were friends I could help you. – I said desperately with my eyes filled of tears.

-        I didn’t ask your help so stop caring about me; I can take care of myself by my own. I’m sorry but I can’t be your friend. – He said.

-       Why? – I said.

-       Because…. I can’t be with you. Because you don’t know how to keep a secret. – He said coldly.

-       If you hate me, why did you help me? – I said.

-       Because you took care of me when I was sick. I’ve already paid my debt with you. – He said.

-       So it was just that, you just hate me; that’s all. – I said crying.

-       Believe me Lucy. I would like to hate you. – He said crying and left running away.

What? What does that mean? What do I feel for you? Why am I crying? I stayed there on the park bench crying. I don’t know what I’m doing, I can’t continue with this. I need to think the things clearly because I don’t want to hurt Minwoo.

The truth is that I think I fell in love with Youngmin, but he would never give me a chance. Also, I feel something for Minwoo, no one ever had treated me in the way he did. Of course, I feel something for Minwoo but I doubt that feeling is stronger than what I feel for Youngmin.

Ottoke! My heart is so confused. It was better when they were just idols for me. I don’t want to hurt anybody, specially Minwoo, he has been so nice to me, but I can’t continue ignoring this feeling anymore.

(Youngmin relating)

I can’t believe I cried in front of her. She almost noticed what I feel for her. “I would like to hate you” What the hell was that Jo Youngmin? Do you want her to know you’re in love with her?

What I hate the most is that she is such a good person that cares about me instead of ignoring me she just tries to help me. Lucy, please open your mind and stay away from me because you’re hurting me; you’re the reason why I am always sad, but I can’t tell that to you.

-       Hyung, why are you crying again? – Kwangmin said when I got into the car.

-       Kwangmin, please help me. I need your help. – I said crying.

-       Sure hyung. What happens? – He said worried.

-       But please promise me you won’t tell anybody about it. – I said.

-       Promised hyung. – Kwangmin said putting his hands on his chest.

-       I…. think I fell in love with Lucy. – I said with a nervous voice.

-       What? How did that happen? – Kwangmin said surprised.

-       I don’t know how, but I don’t decide Kwangmin, my heart just felt it. – I said.

-       Ottoke? – Kwangmin said worried.

-       I just want to forget her. You know that Minwoo is crazy for her and she’s in love with Minwoo too. – I said.

-       Yeah, you’re right. It must be difficult for you to see them together every day. – He said.

-       Yeah, it is. – I said.

-       So, what are you going to do? Do you want us to be apart from them? – He said.

-       That would help a lot. – I said.

-       Ok, from now on there’s only going to be you and me, brothers forever. – He said smiling.

-       Thank you Kwangminnie. - I said hugging him.

-       Hyung, you know I will be always here for you. Please don’t cry anymore. – He said.

We arrived to our department. Everyone was having dinner and we joined to them.

-       Youngmin, Kwangmin come here to have dinner with us. – Donghyun hyung said.

-       Yes! I’m hungry. – Kwangmin sat down and started to eat. I sat down next to him

-       Youngmin. What did you buy me for Christmas? – Jeongmin asked.

-       It’s a surprise I won’t tell you. – I said.

-       Yeah, you have to wait until Christmas. – Hyunseong hyung said.

-       But at least you can give me a clue. – Jeongmin said.

-       If you want to know what it is, open it. It’s right there in the kitchen. – I said.

-       No, don’t open it hyung. It’s for Christmas. - Minwoo said replying.

-       Of course I won’t. I was just kidding, but Youngmin takes everything seriously. – Jeongmin said.

-       Awww – Hyunseong yawned. – I’m tired I will go to sleep.

-       Yeah, me too. – Donghyun said. – Good night guys.

-       Good night hyung. - We all said in unison.

We finished eating and everyone went to bed, except me. Normally, I sleep a lot, but when I’m worried or stressed I can’t sleep; so I’m here playing games on my iPad.

-       Hyung, you can’t sleep either. – Minwoo said going down stairs with his teddy bear.

-       No, I can’t. – I said.

-       What happens? Hyung usually don’t sleep when something is wrong. – He said.

-       That doesn’t matter. But, why can’t you sleep? – I asked him.

-       I don’t know it. My heart isn’t pretty well. – He said sad.

-       Why? Lucy and you are together. What’s the problem? – I asked him

-       Hyung, when you love someone, you want that person to be happy, right? – He said.

-       Yes, Minwoo. – I said.

-       Even when that happiness is not with you, right? – He said sad.

-       Well, yes, but that’s not your case. – I told him.

-       Honestly, I don’t know what she feels for me. I don’t know if she’s with me because she doesn’t want to hurt me or because she really loves me. – He said hugging his big teddy bear.

-       I think she’s in love with you, you’re a good guy. – I said comforting him.

-       Hyung, I think I made a mistake. I didn’t let her decide. I was selfish. I regret about it because I feel that I forced her to be with me. – Minwoo said guilty.

-       Minwoo, I think you’re overreacting. You should talk with her to clear everything. – I said.

-       I’m afraid, hyung, I don’t want to lose her but I don’t want to force her to be with me if she’s not happy either.

-       Minwoo, don’t be scared. Everything will be fine. – I said.

-       Thanks hyung, for supporting me always. He said hugging me.

-       You know we will always be friends. – I said.

-       Well, I’m going to sleep. Good night hyung. – Minwoo said.

-       Good night Minwoo. – I said.

-       You also have to say good night to Bosy (his teddy bear)

-       Good night Bosy – I said.

-       Good night hyung. – He said imitating Bosy’s voice with a pitched voice and waved Bosy’s hand.

I didn’t know Minwoo and Lucy were having problems. I hope they can fix it. I don’t want anyone of them to be hurt.

We are getting closer to the end.

Who do you think she will choose?

It’s a difficult decision, right?

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Thanks for reading! <3