Chapter 12: Why do I care about you?

(Lucy relating)

The weather is so cold today. I’m wearing the scarf that Minwoo gave me yesterday. It’s so warm, and it still smells like Minwoo’s perfume, sweet and masculine. Minwoo was waiting for me outside the school when I arrived. “Today I will protect you from the crazy girls” he said smiling,

Youngmin still looks… depressed. I would like to know what’s going on and help him. Minwoo asked me to go out with him after the school, but then his manager called him and Kwangmin to go to practice their rapping to the entertainment, so I will stay alone in the school.

I said goodbye to Minwoo and Kwangmin. It started to snow, so I will get in the school. Suddenly, I saw someone was on the balcony sleeping; so I went up stairs to find out who was and tell him to get in the school.

When I went out on the balcony I saw that the person who was there was: Youngmin! I woke him up, but he looked weak for getting up. His face was so pale, so as his lips.

-       Youngmin, it’s cold outside, and it’s snowing, get in the school, you will freeze, if you stay outside. You can catch a cold. – I said shaking his shoulders trying to wake him up.

-       I’m fine, just leave me here. I want to be alone. Didn’t you suppose to be on a date with Minwoo? – He said quietly.

-       His manager called him and Kwangmin to go to practice his rapping. Just get in and I will leave you alone; but don’t stay here outside. – I said desperately. Then I touched his forehead and it was warmed up, but his hands were so cold.

-       Omo! You have fever. C’mon I will help you to get up and get in the school, you can’t stay outside. – I said concerned. I helped him to get up (I had forgotten that he’s so tall) and went in the school. I took out a blanket from my backpack and put it around him.

-       Wait here, I will go for some medicine. – I said.

-       Thanks, Lucy, but you don’t have to do this. – He said with a weak voice.

-       Just stay here and try to rest Ok? – I said.

-       Yes.

I went to the nursery for some medicine and I turned back to where Youngmin was.

-       Here it is. Take these pills with this tea and you will feel better. – I told him giving him the pills on his hand and the tea on his other hand.

-       Thanks. – He said, and he took the pills.

I pressed slowly his forehead with a moist towel for getting down the fever. He was closing his eyes, looking so weak, with his always baby-angel face, my heart couldn’t avoid beating so fast, and my chest ached by shortness of breath. So I decided to sit next to him, with a considerate distance, so I wouldn’t be able to look at him.

Why is this happening to me? It supposed that I shouldn’t feel this for him anymore. Now I like Minwoo, he’s my boyfriend; it supposed that I just wanted to be Youngmin’s friend. Maybe is because I’m still his fan; it was like a starstruck, yeah.... that was. I tried to calm down before looking at him again. Even when I wanted to leave because I was feeling uncomfortable, I felt that I needed to take care of him, to protect him.

I stood in front of him, and took his forehead.

-       The fever has gone down. – I said relieved.

-       I thought that you have left. I told you that I wanted to be alone. – He said.

-       I would have left you alone if you wouldn’t have had the amazing idea of sleeping outside on the balcony while it was snowing! – I said a little bit angry because he was being still rude to me.

-       That’s my problem, not yours. I was punishing myself.– He said

-       What? You’re crazy. Why were you punishing yourself? And, what kind of punishment is that? – I said upset.

-       I was punishing myself, because I’m so stupid. – He said.

-       What? Youngmin, you’re not stupid, stop saying that things.

-       Yes, I’m stupid, because my heart doesn’t hear what my head says. My heart doesn’t want to obey me. So please leave me alone, because you’re making this more difficult. – He said.

-       I definitely don’t know what are you talking about, but if something is wrong you can tell me what happens and I will help you Youngmin. – I said sympathetic.

-       I can’t tell you what’s going on, so just leave. Thanks for everything Lucy. – He said.

-       I promise you I won’t tell anybody this time. Please Youngmin, I want to help.

-       It’s not that, I really can’t. Just leave, please. – He said.

-       Ok, I will leave, but promise me you will wrap up outside and take care. I don’t want you to get sick again. – I said like in my mom’s tone, it was scaring.

-       Yeah, I promise. – He said.

I left the classroom and waited on the hallway until my dad picked me up. When I came back home I couldn’t stop thinking in what happened today. I started to make a questionnaire of my thoughts on my diary to clear my mind.

1.     Did I help him only because it was Youngmin?

A= No, I would have helped to anyone that was sick. Not only to him.

2.     So, why did I help him?

A= I helped him just because I’m a good person.

3.     If the person who was on the balcony wouldn’t have been Youngmin, Would I have felt the same?

A= No, I wouldn’t have felt the same.

4.     Why did my heart beat faster than when Minwoo holds my hand?

A= Because he broke my heart when I saw him so weak and vulnerable.

5.     So, does that mean I’m in love with him?

A= No, I’m in love with Minwoo; that might means that I’m being grateful for all the times that he helped me when I was depressed because of my grandpa’s death.

6.     Does he hate me? If he does, why do I care so much about it?

A= Because I’m his fan, and he’s my boyfriend’s best friend. I want to have a good relationship with all Minwoo’s friends.

7.     Minwoo is my boyfriend, but… do I really love him?

A= Of course, I would never hurt him

I’m here, lying on my bed, trying to sleep. I can’t sleep, I don’t know if what I wrote on my diary were the truth answers, or what I want to believe that are the answers. I can’t stop thinking about Youngmin, if he’s fine or not, if he doesn’t have fever right now, if he's feeling great. Also, I think a lot about Minwoo, I don’t want to hurt him, but my feelings are not cleared.

I mean…. I spent more time with Minwoo than with Youngmin, maybe I feel this because Youngmin in so mysterious all the time. If I really knew him, I would probably prefer Minwoo instead of Youngmin. That’s right, the one that I love is Minwoo, he’s so sweet and cute; the best boyfriend I’ve ever had.

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