“It’s me.”

Those only two words could get his heart slamming against his chest, and he had to hold onto the railing of the balcony to prevent him self from falling. Who was he kidding? He already fell. He fell hard. His whole body trembles, weak, and his soul savours the sound of his former lover’s soft breathing on the other line. And it hits him. Baekhyun missed him—so much that it felt like dying. He hated it.

 “C-Chanyeol…” His voice wavers. “Hi.”

“H-Hi,” He hears Chanyeol chuckle. Baekhyun decides that he despises it. “Hi, Baekhyun.”

When was the last time he had listened to Chanyeol’s voice? Of course—they had talked, merely, when they had an appointment for said man’s upcoming wedding, but when was the last time they had talk to each other, just the both of them? Now, an awkward silence fills the atmosphere; Baekhyun realises that he has to speak, and to stand up for himself. But he could not do so. The last time they talked was when Chanyeol told him that he was ashamed of having him by his side.

Though back in 2011, in December, he had received a letter—obvious handwriting from his former boyfriend—the man of a few words. A short “I miss you” was written on the crumpled paper; crumpled as a result of Baekhyun crushing it with his hands. He did not reply to any of those letters, even if they were from an anonymous person who Baekhyun knew, was his ex’s.

“Why—I mean, is there something wrong?” Baekhyun tries to sound calm and composed, to sound unaffected. He finds himself failing miserably.

“No, uh, my fiancée—” Chanyeol stammers, and Baekhyun winces at the mention of his ex’s soon-to-be wife. “—I mean, I received an email from your secretary saying that the next appointment is postponed. So my fiancée told me to call you and uh, ask if you’re okay.”

“Oh,” Baekhyun says in disappointment. Of course Chanyeol would not have called him out of the blue. Of course he wouldn’t. Baekhyun was the only one who has been thinking about him—while he, he… He was getting married. “I’m fine, Yeol. Thank you for asking.”

“Baek…” He hears Chanyeol say, and he knew him. He knew Chanyeol was going to say something wrong.

“I need to go now,” He croaks. “Goodbye, Chanyeol. Have a good night.”

He hears Chanyeol breathe, and he hears Chanyeol groan, and he could practically see how Chanyeol’s expression is—and he finds himself wanting, still. Baekhyun finds himself longing for the father of his children. But then again, he was not his. He was never his to begin with. “Goodnight, Baekhyun-ah.”

And Baekhyun shudders at the informal callings of his name.

The moment he hangs up the phone, though, he quietly pads back to his room and shuts the French windows closed. He holds on the phone, the grip of his hand getting tighter as he tries to calm the swift beating sound of his heart. Jaehyun begins to stir in his sleep, and Baekhyun stands by the foot of the bed. His son rests his head on the pillow, staring back at him with his eyes that Baekhyun soon finds hard to stare at. They were too familiar. He smiles. “Jae.”

His son smiles back at him, sleepy, and he reaches his chubby hands out to his father. Baekhyun, in return, climbs onto the bed and lies beside his son, who hides his face in Baekhyun’s lap and continues to sleep. He runs his fingers through Jaehyun’s hair, thinking about what ifs. What if Chanyeol did not find him embarrassing? What if he stayed? What if his brother did not pass away? And what if… What if Chanyeol knew about Baekhyun’s pregnancy back when they were in college—what if he looked at Baekhyun in shock, before he burst into tears and thanked Baekhyun for his sons? For once, Baekhyun wanted it to be normal.

Being sad and depressed during his pregnancy, he had never realized it could affect his sons once they were born. It’s not like he didn’t acknowledge Jaehyun’s lack of speech, and how he cried, but no sounds were erupted. Jaehyun could never hear him calling for his name, not when he did not read his father’s lips. And Baekhyun blames it all on himself. He was a terrible parent—he still is. He remembers when they were toddlers, at the age of one, and Baekhyun cried for knowing about his son’s disability. He ran away, left his sons at home with his parents, and cried by the lake at the countryside. He was a terrible, terrible parent.

What if Chanyeol was there for him?

Baekhyun shakes his head, reality slapping him off his trance as he listens to his sons’ steady breathing. It was all in the past.

For the first time in four years, Baekhyun, once again, cries for Chanyeol.

“Where are you going?”

Is a common question that Kyungsoo finds himself asking his boyfriend every single day. Sehun would’ve shrugged, saying that he needed to go to work—on a Sunday—and he smiles, walking nearer to Kyungsoo before kissing him by the forehead. The smaller man clenches his fists. Did Sehun think he was that stupid—that oblivious? He wonders if Sehun still loved him. If he does, then why was he cheating on him? If he doesn’t, then why is he still keeping Kyungsoo by his side?

Is it because Kyungsoo cleans up the house? Is it because Kyungsoo cooks for him when he comes back home from being unfaithful? Then again, Kyungsoo tends to receive messages from his boyfriend in the middle of the night—saying that he was stuck at work a