He wanted to be known. In order to be known, he had to be accepted. And in order to be accepted, he had to be perfect.

Chanyeol had planned it all from the start. He was going to have the most perfect life—a rich, loving family, well-known name and fame, scoring the hottest girl in school and getting good grades. People look up to him, admire him and idolize him. He felt powerful, as if nothing would bring him down. At least, that was what he thought.

He would not deny the foreign feeling he felt when he saw those dazzling eyes. It was too foreign—perhaps that was one of the problem that he knew Byun Baekhyun would be the most beautiful mistake he had ever chosen in his perfect life. Ever since he saw the small librarian who laughed and smiled at him, he felt scared.

He had never liked changes. No—in fact, being the total perfectionist he was, he despised changes. Knowing Byun Baekhyun was a risk, staring at him was a mistake, falling for him was a sin. Chanyeol wouldn’t want to be criticized for liking a boy, not when people look up to him. He knew how his friends were—and if he were to admit that he had fallen for Byun Baekhyun when he first saw the boy smile back at the library downtown—he knew that his friends wouldn’t accept him as their clique any longer.

Still, he wanted Baekhyun, too. It was selfish of him for wanting fame and a first love. The adrenaline of being with Baekhyun was addicting as Baekhyun, himself, was addictive. He wanted Baekhyun—he desperately yearned and craved for Baekhyun, emotionally and physically, so much that he felt so pathetic at times. Though when he kissed Baekhyun, all he felt was bliss and perfected imperfections.

Kris Wu was one of his main problems; the one who controlled and dominated people’s minds. As his best friend, Chanyeol knew what was wrong and right in Kris Wu’s game of judgements. He knew that if he revealed his knowledge of the existence of Byun Baekhyun and how deep he had fallen for the boy—he would no longer be accepted. Chanyeol didn’t want that to happen. Not because of some boy.

Thus, when Baekhyun caught up to him that day, right in front of Kris and his other friends—Chanyeol felt humiliated. He felt his friends’ piercing gaze when he dragged Baekhyun away and at that moment, he knew he had to end it all. He could lose all the fame he had. He began to spite Baekhyun with words, words that he, himself could not even forgive himself for saying. He was out of control, crossing the lines and beyond boundaries. The look on Baekhyun’s face and features screamed pain and all Chanyeol wanted to do was kiss him and tell him that he loved him so much that it hurt.

“But you said that you love me,” His regret whispered. “Why are you so ashamed of me?”

Chanyeol wasn’t ashamed of Baekhyun—he was ashamed of himself. He was a coward and he risked his fame by loving Baekhyun, but he risked his love by defending his fame. He didn’t respond to Baekhyun’s questions. He didn’t kiss Baekhyun’s forehead like he wanted to. All he did was glare at the boy and walked away, out of the storeroom and without him even knowing—out of Baekhyun’s life.

A few days later, Chanyeol found himself kissing another girl, who was trapped in his arms. Chaeyoung was the perfect girl—she was the captain of the college’s cheerleading team and she was the smartest girl in her course. She was a pretty girl and she declared herself as Chanyeol’s girlfriend when they kissed under the dim lights of Kris Wu’s party, sloppy and drunk.

The next morning was a mess. Chanyeol woke up feeling empty, confused and he had a woman’s arm draped all over his self. Chaeyoung was sleeping beside him, and she was looking so pretty, and for a moment; Chanyeol had a vision of the future—of waking up in the morning beside a woman and feeling calm—instead of waking up beside a man, feeling contented. Still, he knew it was all just a mistake. He couldn’t just go around sleeping with people, and he still had Baekhyun—of course—or does he? He was not sure.

Chaeyoung gave him a sleepy smile and kissed his neck. “Good morning, boyfriend.”

And Chanyeol knew what he has done.

When Chanyeol returned home that afternoon, his first instinct was to take out his phone and dial up Baekhyun’s number—which he had remembered by heart. He didn’t even bother to change out of his uniform before he sat on his bed and listened to the irritating beeping sounds on the other line. Baekhyun wasn’t picking up his phone and Chanyeol was worried. He panicked, knowing that he had messed everything up and Baekhyun might not want him anymore.

“Pick up, damn it,” Chanyeol pleaded, voice broken.  He was one step away to losing his universe. “Please...”

By the sixth failed call, Chanyeol shoved his phone away and hid his face with his hands. The last time he had talked to Baekhyun was 12th July 2011. A day that he would never forget; a day that he had lost the other half of himself.

On 14th July, he tried searching for Baekhyun again as the boy was nowhere to be seen in campus. Chanyeol rarely spent his time with his friends—he’d wait for Baekhyun on the rooftop and rush to Baekhyun’s classes to check up on him. Baekhyun’s friend, Kyungsoo, was the only person that he saw.

He tried asking the said boy if Baekhyun was doing all right and he had prayed for Kyungsoo to reply, saying that Baekhyun was doing fine—at least that could make Chanyeol feel better. Baekhyun took a part of him away and he had to make sure that Baekhyun is taking care of the half of his heart just fine.

His heart shattered when Kyungsoo shook his head and gave Chanyeol a bitter smile.

“He’s not doing really well,” Kyungsoo said. “His brother passed away a few days ago, you see.”

Chanyeol struggled to breathe; all the guilt and remorse hitting him at once and he had to hold onto the railing of the rooftop to get himself together and prepare for the worst. “When did this happen?”

“July 11th, if I’m not mistaken.” Kyungsoo replied. “He told me that he was going to tell