I’m just a girl. A normal girl and I just want a normal life, having a happy family is what I have been dream since I’m a little. Now, the time has come to me and I was so happy that I can still have the chance, the chance to have a perfect family.

Here I am, in this small ‘welcome to our home’ party for me. I am the new newcomer in this family, I’m glad that they accept me after my mom gone forever, leaving me alone in this world. Yes she died after working too much for our life needs; I’m an illegal daughter for my father that he hates my existence. My father already have a wife and his child, he just make a mistake with my mother who is his secretary that time.

He just leaves us when he knows my mom got pregnant. Although I hate the fact that my father like that but mom still  always back up him and taught me to not hate him. She always said that my father have his own reason. I really want to believe it but for my mom, I will. Even our life is hard but I’m thankful that I still have my mom. But I still jealous am seeing other complete family, having father, mother, brother and sister. I’m hoping someday I can live in family like that.

“Jessica,” I quickly turned my head to someone that call me. It was Top oppa, he is my step brother; 2 years older than me. He looks smart in that casual blue shirt.

“Oppa,” I said smiling, he was just standing in front me with a cute face-dissatisfying with me. 

“Why are you being here alone? Lets me introduce you with others…” he said and trying to pull me along to the guest nearby. I just held it back.

“It’s okay; I just need to be alone. I can’t even remember of their face because they’re too many,” I said giving reason.

“Aish this girl, you need to know more people. Did you love being alone?” he said and was give up with my statement.

“I already felt in my life,” he was a bit shock and was regret; realize that I’m being alone after my mom gone.

“Don’t say that. You have us now. Papa, Mama, me, Sungmin and Taeyeon. You’re not alone anymore,” he was convincing me. I was smiling hearing that.

“Thanks, oppa” I said and looking down at the floor. I’m really grateful.

“Then don’t be sad and alone like this. I’m worried, you know?” he said with the cute face, he lean his face near me and smiling towards me.

“ Oppa I don’t know that you can be cute like this” I was happy looking him like that. It’s cute.

“I’m just doing this for my special sister,” he said and back to the normal posture; standing like a statue.

“I’m so thankful that you treat me so kind. I really grateful that I found you…” I said slowly and tears start to fell. I can’t even manage to held it, it just sudden.

“Why are you crying?” He looks worried.

“I’m just happy, too happy” I was holding my face with my hand, cover from he seeing my tears.

“Save your tears my dear, a happy day should be celebrate with a smile, now smile for me…I want a big smile…” he was holding my hands and wipe my tears. I just chuckled.

“Okay, is this okay?” I said, trying smiling as genuine as I can. He let off my hands.

*When Jessica smile happily, TOP’s heart was beating rapidly, he was mesmerized with how beautiful smile that her sister have. Meanwhile Jessica was smiling happily and at the same time grateful that God still loving her that give her a family that she really want since she was a kid.

“Top oppa” Sungmin was calling him, he is my second step brother and one year older than me but she look young, like a child maybe because he loves doing cute faces.

“Yeah” Top was a bit stutter that time.

“Mom was calling you” he said as walking to us.

“Okay, I’ll be right back” Top said to me and patted Sungmin shoulder before go.

“I’ll wait here” I replied happily. Sungmin was already beside me.

“So Sica, what’s you think about his party?” he asked.

“I like it, I never have been in the party like this” I said cheerfully and watching the party.

“Even a birthday party?” he was curious to know.

“Yes, we don’t have enough money to do it but I’m happy and grateful that I’m having it now,” I was smiling; thinking that how lucky I was.

“I don’t how hard your life before” he said with a bit sympathy tone

“It’s okay, just forget about the past and we enjoy the moment right now”

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I was really happy nowadays, I love my family especially Top oppa, and he really kind and he was the one that encouraging me to study back. But my father and Taeyeon were completely ignoring me. I was kind sad but I hold it; I believe someday they will love me back. My step mother was the best, she always in my side. Sometimes, it reminds me to my mom sad I was sad thinking about her. She was the one that searching for me after she know about my mom died. She was the one to let me join this family even my father disagree, she is the one that I really grateful. She is so nice and too kind.

“Aunty, can I ask you something?” I said as I’m helping her on the kitchen. We are baking cookies together.

“Anything, sweetie.” She said after put the cookies in the jar.

“Can I call you mama too? Like the others.” I said hesitate. She was stop what is she was doing and look at me. I don’t have courage to look at her back.

“Of course you can, my dear” She said smiling to me, I was happy that I hug her.

“Thanks…mama,” I said teary.

“What is happening?” Top oppa ask as he was looking we were hugging with each other once he steps on the kitchen. Taeyeon just look at us a bit jealousy and angry. Then, she left.

“It’s secret,” Mama said and we’re smiling. Top just smiling looking us and left us alone then.

After finish with the tea and the cookies, I was holding the set of classic teapot and a several cup with a big jar of cookies on a tray for an evening tea. When I walk to the garden, I heard something that hurting me.

“I hate her,” Taeyeon yelled frustrated.

“Stop it, taetae. You need to learn and accept all of this,” Sungmin replied.

“I don’t want. My eyes were hurt just looking at her, my heart is already broken to the pieces since she was here,” Taeyeon said, standing, telling her unsatisfied with Jessica appearance.  Sungmin just shake his heads.

“What is the problem, taetae? She was also our sister. Why do you hate her? She’s nice and kind.” Top said and holding his beloved sister shoulder. She just pushes it.

“The problem? There are many since she was here, even Papa hate her,” she said the truth.

“Don’t say that, if she hear, she’ll sad.” Sungmin said and worried if Jessica heard it. They all already know that their father hate Jessica, it’s like Jessica was remind him a big mistake on his life.

“I want her to hear it so that she realizes that no one like her in here,” she was tighten her hands.

“taetae!” Sungmin and Top said. They really don’t know how to coax their own sister to accept Jessica. They know that Taeyeon was feeling unsecured when Jessica was there, she scared that everyone will only love Jessica and forget about her.

“What? Why you two are always back up and help her. Do you love her than me?” She asked with a sad look.

“I love you same as I love Jessica, you both are my sister,” Top said firmly.

“I don’t want. She’s not our sister!” She yelled and leaves angrily.

*When she go, she was clashing with Jessica who is just heard their conversation. She just smirks and intentionally hit her body. All on the tray was fall down. Top when heard the noisy sound quickly look the matter. Jessica was sitting down and immediately tidies it. When Top looking it, he quickly run to Jessica and help her. Meanwhile, Sungmin just look at them with a blank stare.

“It’s fine, oppa. I can do it” I said as keep collect all the pieces of jar and pot that were broken and shatter. I try hold my tears as I keep collecting it and some of the piece hurting my finger; it start to bleed.  I just hold and look it.

“You’re bleeding,” he said and quickly the blood with his mouth. I just look at him and tears start to flow. My heart is more hurting.

“Jessica,” he said when realizes I start crying harder. I just can’t stop myself from crying, he just look at me and accompany me there.

I don’t realize when I stop crying and Top oppa was there with me; sitting at the blanket that on the grass, nearby the lovely garden. We’re enjoying the roses that blooming that time and just sitting there quietly.

“Thanks, oppa” I said looking at him, he was just smile back. Then, I just remember our first meeting.

“Oppa, Sorry if what I’m saying will hurt you,” I said with a bit hesitate.

“Just tell me” he replied without even looking at me.

“I kind have a bad impression on you before this,”

“What do you mean?” he asked and looks at me.

“I thought you’re a cold and mean person…” I said slowly, worried he might mad at me.

“Am I that bad?” he chuckled.

“That just my first impressions when I saw you at first, your cold stare and mysterious eyes make me shiver…” I said the truth.

“I don’t know that I’m such a frightened person” he was laugh and I also laugh with him.

“But I know that my brother is really nice and kind person, the most important thing is you’re such a warm and gentle person,” I said as I looking at him directly to his eyes.

I know that I love Top oppa than others because he was too special for me, the one who always there for me.

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“Do you have any feeling at my brother?” Taeyeon just asked me. I was completely shock with his sudden question.

“What you mean? I don’t understand.”

“Don’t lying to me; I can see what your thinking is…I can see you eyes were shining when you with him, I know you like Top oppa…” she said confidently, pushed me to back.

“It’s not; I won’t love my own brother” I replied firmly.

“He’s not your brother and you’re not our sister…You’re just illegal child that my father hate it so much” She said.

“I never wanted to be hated like this, I just want a piece love from my family…I love all of you” I said sincerely and hold her hands. She just pushes it away.

“You think I’ll believe you? Since you came here, you’re just brought a disaster on our family” she said and turns around

“I never intend to do that.” I said, coming to next her.

“Top Oppa and Sungmin oppa is just thought me as their only sister. You’ll never have been in our relationship and I hate you. You should never think to take away their love from me, “she was seeing me on her corner eyes and folded her arms.

“I never want to take your position” I try to convince her to accept me and believe my intention.

“Don’t act naïve, I really hate a girl like you, acting like a weak and fragile but your heart was full with greedy need” She said in front on my faces.

“No, I don’t” I plead her.

“Furthermore, I won’t let you near me again.” she said before leaving me. I was speechless.

My mind was blank, why she accused me like that? I love Top oppa, I know that I treat Top oppa better but I never have that kind feeling, he’s my brother. I know and somewhat the truth is hurting. I was meeting with Top oppa again, I don’t know that I’ll spontaneously attach to him and I want to tell him everything. Am I such a fool?

“It’s really hurt, why can she accept me as one of her family? I’m a bad person?” I don’t know why I always tell everything to him.

“Just don’t be sad anymore. Taetae may act harsh and saying a hateful word but she’s a nice girl” he said coaxing me.

“I know but I’m sad that she hate me. Do I really a trouble in this family?” I asked sadly.

“Of course it’s not.  She was just not mature yet she just talks without thinking. One day she will accept you and loving you more than everyone…Believe me” he said. We’re sitting together again at the garden.

“I hope so.” I replied weakly and pouted.

“Now don’t be sad, the sky will rain if cute girls like you sad like this” he said smiling.

“I’m not a cute girl” I was blushing hear it.

“Beautiful?”

“Thank you.”I said smiling.    

“You’re such a full of yourself…I’m glad that you’re smiling again” he said and pinched my cheeks.

“Thanks oppa,” I was shy then.

“Ermm?”

“The moon was so beautiful?” I said want to change the topic, I don’t know why I feel like this.

“Yeah.”

We were looking at the moon together and we were mesmerized with the how beautiful are, and when I look at Top oppa back, he was looking at me and I don’t know why I was looking at him back. We’re looking at each other face, his perfect jaw line, his alluring lips, a cute nose and his mysterious eyes. Not to forget, his amazing eyebrow was so attempting. He was so perfect and I don’t know that I was staring him for a long time and He was also like that. Then, his face was closer to mine that I can see he was looking at my lips and I just close my eyes when I can feel his lips on mine.

It was tender and sweet

It was just a moment that he pulled his lips and I was opening my eyes, he was looking me with a bit shock and a regretful.

“I’m sorry,” he said and leaves me. I can’t ever stop him.

What is happening?

I was just sitting there, can’t figure it out what is just happening. At that moment I realize that I love Top oppa.

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I just realize that is so wrong, Top is my brother, my step brother, we have a same father. This is such a wrong feeling. I hate myself for letting me this sin feeling. I know that I should not say but I think I love him, I know I should not fall in love with my own brother, but I can’t stop my feelings.

We have this awkward feeling and I hate it, I hate when he’s completely try to avoid me. I want our past relationship. I don’t know that my feeling will bigger that our brother-sister relationship. But I’m sad that we are far. This is so frustrated. I miss him. I know this love is a sin but I can’t stop myself for loving him days by days. Oh God, please help me endure this. Please help me endure this feeling.

“Oppa!” I called him. I really can’t stand this anymore, I hate when he is ignoring me. I want to face this problem. I want us to be normal back. I willing forget this feeling; maybe I’m the only one feel like this.

“Jessica, I’m busy right now. Can we talk later?” he tries to avoid me again. I hold him back.

“We need to talk,” I said firmly and he just sighed, then following me to our secret garden.

“Oppa, lets just forget about that night. It was just a mistake.” I said as we step in. He just silent and look at me.

“I know you don’t have any intention to that; me too. It just a bad dream, we can forget it and life like before. I hate it when you’re avoiding me just like now,” I said frustrated.

“Please, oppa!” I plead, I don’t why I feel want to crying. I want to tell you how much I love you but I’m scared that if I tell the truth, you’ll leave me.

“So you think is as a mistake?” he asked. His face was I can’t describe, I was speechless. Of course not but…

“Oppa…”

“Do you know how much I try to hold myself?” I was trembling hearing what he want to say is.

“I try to fool myself; but do you know why I avoid you? I want to stop my own feeling, I’m scared that you’ll hate me but you want to forget it? It’s too much…” He was sighing and holds his breath. Maybe he was feeling the same this as mine? His frustrated face is killing me.

“Jessica…I can’t lie myself anymore, I l…” My heart was thumping rapidly that time.

“Top,” someone just called him and our conversation was stop when that girl comes to us. I was looking at him and that girl was looking at Top oppa.

“Tiffany, why are you here?” he asked, shocked with sudden appearance. Tiffany just clings to Top arms. My heart was burn in jealous and I wonder who is this girl.

“I miss you,” she said and kissing Top oppa cheeks. I was shocked look at them. Top oppa just pushed her hands away and looking at me. I was clenching my teeth. That girl was looking at me,

“Hi! I’m Tiffany, Top’s girlfriend. Who are you?” she asked with his smiling eyes. I was wanted to burst in cry when I heard the fact that she is Top oppa girlfriend, why I never know this? I want to look at Top oppa face, want to know the truth but I have no courage to see him.

“I’m Jessica, Top’s sister,” I said, trying my best to not cry.

“Sorry, I need to go now. I won’t disturb you two. Have a nice time.” I said and quickly run away from there, my tears are fall again. I can hear Top oppa calling me but I’m too hurt that I totally ignore him.

I know that it wasn’t supposed to be love and I fooled myself many times before but my hearts keeps on calling him and I hate the fact that I’m hurting for this forbidden love. Tears can’t stop falling and my yearning is flowing. I don’t know what to do? I don’t know why I’m going crazy like this.

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“Why are you ignoring me?” Top oppa hold my hands tightly.

“I’m not. I just busy with my things.” I’m not even looking at him

“Jessica, don’t you miss me?” he asked sadly

“Oppa, what’re you talking?” I push her hands and move a little, getting far for him.

“Don’t say you don’t hear It, you should know about my feeling towards you…I can’t fool myself anymore” my heart was thumping rapidly again.

“I know that you love me as your sister and I love you as a brother.”I replied.

“Do you really think like that? I can’t get hide my feeling towards you… I love you more than…”

“Oppa, I need to go now, Excuse me…” I said before he can tell me. I ran away from there as soon as I can.

“Jessica,”

‘Oppa. I’m sorry’

I know that I’m really a bad person. I’m such a liar and ungrateful person. How can I treat Top oppa like that but my heart is hurting too, too much burden to handle and I’m scared that it will burst out someday. My feeling is hard to hide anymore.

Maybe Taeyeon was right I’m such a greedy person…when I know that Top oppa and Tiffany was already broke up , I was relieved but at the same time I’m hating myself. Hate that I love him so much. I thought I was satisfied as long I have you in my side but I just become greedy and I want you to be mine. This is wrong, Top is my brother. I should not love him this way but I can’t fool my mind anymore.

I always scared this love will vanish from me; I don’t want to miss it I always feel unsecured that happiness will go away from me. But Mama will hate me when she know…Papa hate’s will more deep, Taeyeon will also hating me more and maybe Sungmin will hate me too, I don’t want my family hate me, my dream family,,, this is so frustrating.

Should I let it go? This feeling will only become deep and as Top is always here, we just only hurting each other. Why would I fall in love in my own brother? I don’t know either. But this sinful feeling make me weary.

I decide to go from here, the beginning of my problem. If I don’t accept Mama Wish, I wouldn’t meet Top oppa and I wouldn’t feel love. I don’t regret actually, it just I need to stop this feeling from grow. I know I’ll be sad leaving all the memories with this family but I know if I stay here longer, the more I can’t hide my feelings.

‘Oppa, I’m really sorry. I hope you can meet someone better than me,’

Even I know we love each other but we will just hurt each other more by this forbidden love. It’s the end of our crazy love, I’m happy I loved you and you loved me.

“Hello, Sunny. Can you help me?”