Zitao held one of Kris’ hands in his on his lap while they waited in the doctor’s office.

“Why do they make us wait here? Why is there a designated waiting area if we’re also going to wait here?” Zitao asked.

Kris allowed himself a grin. He squeezed Zitao’s hand. “Don’t be nervous, love.”

Zitao inhaled and exhaled slowly, like Kris had been making him do for the past day. When the door opened, he jumped so high he nearly fell off the chair.

The doctor apologized. “I didn’t mean to startle you,” he said as he slid into his seat.

Zitao shook his head and forced a smile. “No, no. I’m just a lot jittery than usual.”

The doctor nodded. He turned his attention to Kris. “Hello. You must be the boyfriend Mr. Huang has told me about. I’m Dr. Park, and I just want to remind you that if ever you have a question about anything, just go ahead and ask it.”

Kris nodded.

“That goes for both of you,” he added. He opened the folder in his hands and took out a packet of charts and forms. He took a deep breath. “Zitao, the blood results have come back. They’re positive.”

Zitao squeezed Kris’ hand. “So I am pregnant.”

Dr. Park nodded. “Yes, you are pregnant. You’re four weeks along, actually.” He proceeded to go over the details: how rare it was for someone to have quit testosterone treatment so recently and still fall pregnant, how having been on testosterone wasn’t necessarily a threat to the baby’s health, and how going through with the pregnancy might increase the risk of gender dysphoria. Zitao hardly heard any of it. It’s why he wanted Kris here, so that he could listen to all of that for him. All Zitao heard was a constant repeat in his head of Dr. Park saying ‘You are pregnant’.

He pictured himself slowly growing a belly over nine months. He pictured having to actually tell his secret to the friends he’d made here--Kris’ friends. He pictured Kris’ humiliation for being with someone like him. He imagined the pain of childbirth and he imagined having to put all other dreams and goals aside for that baby. He could visualize their family’s reaction; the reluctant acceptance, the town whispers. He could even see the horrendously long and difficult process of giving the baby up for adoption. The image of him and Kris fighting daily and losing the love was so vivid it hurt.

Kris nudged Zitao with his knee. Dr. Park had already left the room, for something about a moment to think. “Zitao,” he whispered, “please don’t cry.”

You can’t cry, it’s your fault this even happened. You don’t have a right to cry. You’re a shame, you are a disgrace.

“Don’t cry. It hurts me when you cry.”

Zitao frowned. “How can I not? This baby is the last thing I want. You have dreams to accomplish. I do too. I don’t want either of us to have to give those up. I can’t deal with being pregnant without crying, Yifan.”

Kris pulled his hand out of Zitao’s hold and placed them both on either side of the younger man’s face. “Neither one of us have to give up our dreams, Tao. Will it be difficult? Sure. Was this unexpected? Absolutely. Is it a terrible curse that will ruin our lives as we know it? No! Don’t be so… sad…”

“I don’t think you understand, Yifan. This is a human being that we, or at the very least I, have to take care of for the rest of our lives. Any goals you thought of pursuing are dead, time of death now. Well, that’s the case for me. I’m the carrier of this tumor. You could just up and leave without any consequences. I probably couldn’t even sue you for child support because in a court of law, I am seen as less than human. Some abomination God left in the oven too long. I am a pregnant trans man, Yifan. How is a non-person supposed to raise a person?” The tears in Zitao’s eyes were less sad and definitely more angry now.

Kris stared back with wide eyes. “Do you really think I would leave you?”

“I know my dad did, and based on my mother’s stories, he was a saint of a man.”

“You’re chalking up my hypothetical parenting skills to because of your daddy issues?”

“I don’t get to experience a lot of ‘daddies’, Yifan. I’m comparing you to the only one I had.”

“And what about my dad? After he took you in? You never felt like fathers weren’t inherently terrible?”

Tao sighed. “Your dad was a good man, Kris, but nothing can really make up for a hole that was solidified after 18 years without a father. It’s a cauterized wound, a gaping chasm in my chest. How do I trust that you won’t give up on me after a year?”

“You’re not even going to give me a chance to prove myself to you?” Kris asked.

Zitao gaped. “Do you not realize how risky that is for me? If you fail, what will I do with the baby?”

Kris looked upset. “Well, what about adoption?”

Zitao shook his head. “There are too many babies in orphanages. Besides, you know how easily I get attached to everything.”

Kris sighed. “So what will you do then? You won’t carry the baby, you won’t give it up. What’s there left to do?”

“Abortion.”

“You can’t,” Kris objected.

“Don’t get on a high horse here, Yifan. I’m not killing the baby for the fun of it.”

The older man shook his head. “No, I mean you can’t. Abortion is illegal in South Korea unless the pregnancy poses a medical threat to the mother.”

Zitao sat in silence for a good minute. “I guess there’s only one thing to do.”

Kris grinned from ear to ear. “You’re going to give me a chance at being a great father to our child!”

Zitao stared directly forward. “No. I’m going back home and taking care of it there.”

***

Baekhyun woke up in a cold sweat. He stared at his surroundings. To his left was Joonmyun, sleeping less than peacefully. He’d slept funny so he couldn’t really turn his head much. He had a vague feeling of emptiness inside him, and wondered if he had dreamt something sad. “Joonmyun,” he whispered. When that didn’t work, he said it louder.

“Wha--?” Joonmyun said, looking around. He rubbed his eyes and looked at Baekhyun. “Oh. Baek. You’re up. How are you?”

Baekhyun felt a tear slide down his cheek. “I need to know if last night was just a nightmare I just had.”

Joonmyun sat up with a very serious face, and that was all the answer Baekhyun needed.

“I am the dumbest person alive!” Baekhyun cried. “How could I have sabotaged my entire relationship so easily?”

Joonmyun looked on sadly, watching as his friend cried into his knees. “Baekhyun, I’m sure things will work out. You two have been together for so long. I know that what you did was a grave mistake, but I also believe that with time and constant work you can build things back up.”

“On what foundation?” Baekhyun asked desperately. “I obliterated his trust in me!”

Joonmyun couldn’t really argue that.

“Listen, Baek, I know it’s tough for you right now, but I promise it’ll all be good soon. I promise. I bet you Chanyeol is waiting for you to apologize to take you back.”

***

Chanyeol awoke with fluttering eyes. He stuck a hand across the bed and felt the coolness touch his fingertips. The events of last night returned to him and he was hit with a wave of utter sadness. His chest felt hollow and his head felt so empty his brain must have given its two weeks three months ago.

He turned his head and saw all of Baekhyun’s clothes strewn on the floor from a time before Chanyeol’s world had imploded. It hurt to know that they would never be at the same level of carelessness around each other.

It was out of the question. For the past two years, Chanyeol had gotten comfortable. He had never been in such a long relationship, and seeing it beat his previous records two-fold, three-fold, and so on gave him a false sense of security. He never thought that Baekhyun would do something like what he’d done. He’d completely obliterated the trust he had built up and now it was impossible to build it back.

He picked up his phone to check the time. He didn’t care about going to classes, nor did he care about eating breakfast, so logically he didn’t have a reason to know the time, but he felt like knowing would help him