The last time someone confessed to her, the poor guy was stuttering so much she couldn't understand what he was trying to say. When the guy was telling her "I love you" (those were the only words she can make out of his stuttering) she simply replied with a "why?" The guy couldn't say anything because how could he when he didn't even know why. When you love someone you just know you do without knowing the reason.

Of course she turned the man down because although she was still young she knew she had to feel something for someone before she accepts the feelings he was willing to offer. She tried to do it in the nicest way possible because she didn't want to hurt the guy’s feelings. Nevertheless, the guy must have been hurt pretty badly because he went home crying.

Back then she still couldn't understand why people cry because of that thing called love. But now after having experienced the same thing, she finally understood.

“I think I love you,” she decided to tell him after weeks filled with sleepless nights. Her feelings were overflowing that it feels as if she would go crazy if she didn't tell.

She hoped Taemin couldn’t hear the frantic beating of her heart although it’s very unlikely with them being too close to each other. She was still in his arms and Jiyeon wanted to stay that way forever. She will never get tired of the wonderful feeling from being wrapped in his arms like fragile porcelain which might break if he ever lets go.

She felt him stiffen a bit and an awkward silence ensued. Jiyeon almost forgotten how to breathe and she felt her heart almost stopped from anticipation. After a whole freaking minute he said, “Don't.”

It was just a simple word but enough to break her heart. She straightened up and moved a little further from him. “What do you mean?” she asked although she knows pretty well what he meant. She’s not allowed to love him. It’s as clear as that.

“Don’t fall in love with me.”

Too late. She already did. He should never have saved her that day at the park, he shouldn’t have took her home and shared drinks with her that night when she was feeling like crap, he shouldn’t have shown concern when her head was torturing her and he shouldn’t have saved her that day when she almost got hit by a car. If he didn’t want her to fall in love with him he should have stopped being himself a long time ago.

“How am I supposed to do that?” she asked sounding more desperate than she intended. Taemin was asking the impossible. How could he make her fall in love with him then leave her frustrated afterwards?

“I don't know. Just try.”

Jiyeon gave him a sad smile. “You know, if you’re going to turn me down, just tell me you don’t feel the same way about me. I’m not forcing you to like me back. I just… wanted you to know I guess.” She was avoiding his gaze while fumbling with the hem of her shirt, a habit she does when she’s anxious. She was trying to think of ways on how she could make this confession less painful. Maybe she could at least save whatever pride she has left.

“Please don’t feel burdened. I’ll deal with this on my own so…” her voice faltered with uncertainty. Honestly, she had no idea how she’s going to deal with it. It was the first time she felt something like it. It was new and scary, wonderful at some point but also painful at the same time.

That was all it took for Taemin to lose whatever ounce of restraint he had left. He let out a sigh before pulling her back in his arms and claiming her lips in an urgent kiss. He decided to be selfish for once. He would probably regret it later but right now he didn’t want to think about anything else. He needed this before he goes insane from too much yearning and longing.

He deepened the kiss wanting more of her forgetting everything else and letting himself have its way for once.  His kisses were screaming ‘I love you’ and ‘I miss you’… words he wanted to tell her but couldn’t. He gently lay her down without taking his lips off her soft ones. His hand wanders to places he wouldn’t have dared touching if he was still sane. Yes, this must be insanity. He lost his mind the moment she told him those words she shouldn’t have said.

Jiyeon could feel her heart pounding in a more frantic rhythm. With every touch, every kiss she feels burned. It felt more wonderful than she imagined. Taemin was gentler than she thought. He was showering her kisses… on her lips and on her neck. His kisses were soft but demanding, insistent but patient. The contradictions make her go crazy and she wanted more.

Taemin knew he had to stop. When she raised her arms and wrapped them around his neck pulling him closer until there was no more space left between them, Taemin knew they were going too far and that they have to stop.

With much difficulty he pulled away. He avoided his eyes because he was about to tell a lie and he couldn’t do it while staring at her eyes. “Whatever you feel for me right now… It isn’t love.”

“What is it then? If it isn’t love what is it?” Jiyeon was thinking that if there is someone who understands her feelings the most if should be her and not anyone else. How could he have known what it was? The fast beating of her heart, the tingling feeling every time he’s near, the pain after his rejection… if it isn’t love Jiyeon didn’t know what else to call it.

“Whatever it is, it will pass. Someday you’ll realize you never really loved me. Don’t waste your time on me.”

Jiyeon understood what he meant. He kissed her not because he likes her. He kissed her because he wanted to prove something. He wanted to show her that what she feels for him is nothing but lust and even if he probably feels the same way it doesn’t really mean anything for her. If it isn’t love then it doesn’t mean anything.

“Just… go,” she said. She didn’t know if she should feel angry, frustrated or hurt. Maybe she was feeling all of it at the same time. She can’t really tell. With the excruciating pain in her heart, she couldn’t tell if it was because Taemin thinks of her as some ually frustrated girl who would confuse lust with love or if it was because of his rejection. Whatever it was, all she knew is that she was in pain.

Taemin left afterwards. She remained seated at the couch with her arms wrapped around her knees and her head buried on top of it. She didn’t notice when the tears started falling. He said it wasn’t love and she hoped to God he’s right.

-------------------------

“I screwed up,” Taemin muttered. He was banging his head on the table while muttering incoherent words while Jonghyun who was sitting beside him somehow managed to decipher his meaning and was able to put the pieces together.

“You sure did,” the dino said.

“She can't fall in love with me.”

“Yeah, coz you're a jerk.”

“I broke her heart.”

“Yeah, the most stupid thing you ever did. Dump the cutest girl you had the pleasure to set your eyes on.”

Key who couldn’t just stand by and watch the dino bully Taemin spoke up, “Jjong, stop. You're not helping.”

“I'm just trying to make him realize his mistakes,” the dino argued.

“I think he already knows it even without you trying to make him realize it. Can't you see he's suffering enough?

Taemin had been acting weird since that night when Jiyeon confessed. They noticed him acting weird even before then but this is by far the worst. They were all worried that Taemin would suddenly do something crazy like hanging himself, cutting his wrist or jumping off a building. And the worst part is that they didn’t know why.

“Let me handle this.” Jinki said. Jonghyun stood up to make room for the leader. If there is anyone who could put some sense into Taemin that would be Jinki.

“Taemin, what's up with you lately?” he asked.

Taemin momentarily paused his self harm, lifted his head from the table and stared at the leader, “Nothing. Why do you ask, hyung?”

“Oh I dunno. It’s just that I noticed you're hitting the table with your head as if that's normal and you've been talking to yourself for the past hour.”

“itsnothing,” he mumbled before going back to banging his head on the table. It didn’t look painful but doing it repeatedly doesn’t seem so harmless in Jinki’s opinion.

“So Taemin, why didn’t you?” Jinki asked trying to distract the maknae again.

Taemin lifted his head again and asked, “Didn’t I what?”

“Date her.”

“Because I’m a jerk and she deserves someone better.” He said it as if it was obvious and that there was really no need to ask.

“I think you both like each other. Why make things complicated?

Taemin gave it a thought but he couldn’t find the right words to explain to Jinki why he was behaving like a jerk. He couldn’t just tell them he’s going to die one day without freaking them out if not convincing them he was going mad.

“Taemin, falling in love isn’t a bad thing. As long as you both like each other and you’re not hurting anybody then you don’t have any problems,” the dubu preached as if Taemin was a teenager who was experiencing love for the first time. Taemin feels grateful for the effort his hyung was putting on it and he was also grateful to everyone for showing genuine concern but unfortunately no one can do anything about it. He’s screwed and no one, not even his hyungs, can fix the mess he made.

“Why didn’t you?” Jinki asked more persistent than ever.

“Didn’t I what?”

“Agree to date her?”

“Damn it, hyung. Aren’t you even listening?”

“Yeah, yeah, I heard you but I still don’t get it. Why refuse her when you obviously like her too?”

“Even if I tell you, you wouldn’t understand,” Taemin said before leaving.

Jonghyun and Key gave Jinki a questioning look and the leader just shrugged. It’s going to be much harder than they all thought it would be

-------------------------------------------

The rest of the days went by like a blur. It had been months and Jiyeon had never set eyes on Taemin even once but even so the pain was still there, fresh as ever. She goes to school, work part time at the café, goes home, sleep and eat. She was basically the same for the most part and except for her broken heart, she was still in one piece.

It was definitely love. Absolutely. Undeniably. unquestionably. If it wasn’t it wouldn’t have been that painful. If he doesn’t like her the way she does he should have said so. Why come up with silly ideas? It wasn’t love? How the heck did he even know that? Stupid jerk. He doesn’t even know how to turn down a girl properly. How dare he call her ually frustrated? She’s not desperate to find a man. She lived her life independently without having to rely on any man, even her father who doesn’t know how to act like one.

“You ok?” Minho who was sitting beside him on the passenger seat asked.

She managed a nod and he smiled. He was such a gentleman unlike that stupid jerk Taemin whom she was about to meet in a few hours. Why did she even agree to this? What possessed her to do something as stupid as this? Well, whatever it is, there is no going back now.

“Let’s go though the plan once again.” Minho said.

“Alright. I’ll just be myself and make sure Taemin notices me.”

“Right. I’ll handle the rest.” He gave her hand a sqeeze. She didn’t notice it was shaking until Minho wrapped his hand around hers. She gave him a smile letting him know she was grateful.

She was convinced their efforts were useless. Taemin doesn’t feel anything for her. It was clear as day. But those four dorks doesn’t seem to agree with her. They believe Taemin just needed a little push. And so there she was on her way to a party as Minho’s date.

She was totally against it at first. For one, she hates parties. Two, she hates being around celebrities who usually have fake smiles plastered on their faces. Three, Taemin would be there and that fact makes her nervous. And four, she’s scared of what could possibly happen after this. She really had no idea why she agreed. Maybe she’s going crazy or something.

They reached the venue and Minho helped her out. The music filled her ears and she realized there really is no going back. Her nerves were slowly taking its toll on her. She took a deep breath before entering the hall with Minho walking beside her.

She instantly spotted Taemin with drink in hand and having a conversation with a gorgeous celebrity. They met eyes but he looked away almost instantly. She was suddenly filled with jealousy and she cursed herself for being so pathetic. He was supposed to be the one feeling jealous, not the other way around. At least that was the plan.

If it weren’t for Minho’s arms wrapped around her waist she would have fallen on the floor and embarrassed herself. She could feel her legs giving away any time soon and Minho must have noticed it too because he led her to a high chair near the bar and made her sit. A waiter passed by and Minho took two glasses of wine and he gave one to her.

“Stop staring.”

“What?”

“You’ve been staring at him since we arrived.” She didn’t realize she was doing it and she blushed in embarrassment. “You looked pretty tonight especially with that blush on your face.”

Feeling awkward and embarrassed she said, “Stop saying things like that. It makes me feel uncomfortable.”

Minho mischievously smiled as if that was all part of his plan. “Can I kiss you?”

“What?? No!” Whatever gave him that crazy idea?

He chuckled. He seemed to be enjoying every minute of it. Jiyeon decided this is the first and the last time she will be doing role-plays with Minho.

“Alright alright. But stay still. From this angle, Taemin would think we’re kissing.” His face was too close and she felt more uncomfortable.

“He’s not even looking our way. This is useless”

“Believe me it’s not. I can feel him glaring at me right now.”

After a while Minho finally move a little further but his arms remained on her waist.

Minutes passed and she was slowly getting used to her surroundings. Minho was with her being supportive as ever so it was ok.

“Hi, hyung.” Someone said and Jiyeon searched for the source of the sound. A few steps away she saw Taemin walking towards them with a girl clinging on his arms. It was still the same girl she saw with Taemin from the moment they arrived. For some reason she was starting to really hate the girl. Not just for being too clingy but also probably because the girl was everything she can never be: gorgeous, beautiful and confident.

“Hi, Taemin. Hi, Krystal.” Minho greeted them with a smile. Jiyeon tried to imitate him and self-consciously forced a smile on her face hoping it didn’t look too awkward.

“Hi oppa. You haven’t introduced your date,” the girl named Krystal said.

“This is Jiyeon, my girlfriend.” Minho said introducing her.

Girlfriend? Isn’t he being too much? Krystal was surprised for a second but she smiled sweetly and offered her a handshake. “Nice meeting you Jiyeon. I’m Krystal.” She seemed nice and friendly and Jiyeon feels bad for hating the girl when she wasn’t really doing anything wrong. Just the fact that Krystal was with Taemin and that she wasn’t made all the difference.

Jiyeon took her hand and accepted her offer of friendship. “Nice to meet you too.”

She had no idea how Taemin was feeling at the moment. If the news affected him in some way, she couldn’t tell. But Minho could. He saw how Taemin clench his fist as if he was trying his best to get a grip of himself. Minho was mentally congratulating himself for doing a great job.

Taemin and Krystal left afterwards to mingle with the other guests. Minho asked Jiyeon to dance in which she accepted. They danced once, drink some more, and continued with their pretense of being in a relationship. With Minho being the good actor that he is, they were pretty much doing a good job.

“I wish Onew hyung, Jonghyun hyung and Key were here. That look on Taemin’s face was precious. Too bad those three have schedules.”

Jiyeon wasn’t listening. She was hurting pretty bad. She just realized she really doesn’t mean anything for Taemin. Even if she fell in love with some other guy it wouldn’t matter to him. That’s how insignificant she is.

“Oppa, can we go home now?” she asked. She was feeling stressed out and she badly needed some air.

“Okay. Tired already?”

She nodded and Minho smiled with understanding. They were on their way out when Minho received a call from the manager.

“What? You want me to be there in 30mins? I can’t hyung.” Jiyeon heard him say. “I have to take my date home first. I’ll be there in an hour.” He paused listening for awhile before speaking again, “Hyung, it’s late I can’t just make her take a cab. Look hyung-“

He heard a beep and the next moment the manager was no longer on the line. “Aish.” he snapped before angrily placing his phone back in his pocket.

Jiyeon smiled at him to assure him she’s fine. “I’ll be fine. I can just take a cab.”

“But…” he was still hesitant. It’s late and he can’t just leave her on her own.

“It’s fine. I’m not a kid. I know where my house is.” She grinned to make her point.

Minho finally relented. “Alright. Message me when you get home.”

“Ok. Now, hurry. You’re going to be late.” After muttering apologies he left.

Jiyeon was waiting for a cab when suddenly she heard a familiar voice ask, “Where’s Minho?”

She looked on her right and saw Taemin standing next to her. Krystal was no longer with him but looking at him now she could still feel the pain and she realized it wouldn’t be going away any time soon.

“Something came up and he had to leave,” she explained although she’s not sure why she had to.

“And left you here? What kind of boyfriend does that?

She gave him a questioning look. Why does he even care? How dare he say bad things about Minho when he was the one being inconsiderate?

“If I were him I wouldn’t have left you here alone.”

If… such a painful word. It means things which could have happened but didn’t. She turned and they met eyes. Her gaze was challenging. Searching. Begging.

“Then why not be my boyfriend instead?”